


Finding Zen

by LemonSuccubus



Series: Zen Series [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Anthropology, Blow Jobs, Bottom Harry, Bottom Louis, BoyxBoy, California, Chaptered, Cutting, Dirty Talk, Drinking, Dubious Consent, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fading Zen, Fainting, Fainting during sex, Finding, Fingering, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Fluffy Smut, Gay, I guess that's kind of fitting, Kink Negotiation, Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M, Manipulation, Massage, Mental Instability, Power Bottom Harry, Power Bottom Louis, Rimming, San Diego, Self Loathing, Sequel, Sex, Slash, Smut, Tattoos, They both Top and Bottom, Top Harry, Top Louis, Toxic Relationship, anal penetration, anthropologist!harry, axolotl salamander, behind-the-knees kink, couples tattoos, dark themes, dubious drinking for information, fading, finding zen, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, massage au, massage therapy, masseuse!Louis, more dubious due to personal morals but whatevs, self hatred, zen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-05-03 02:44:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 103,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5273534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LemonSuccubus/pseuds/LemonSuccubus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Fading Zen</p><p> </p><p>Harry is in Arizona.</p><p>Louis is in California.</p><p>Harry is ready to change that.</p><p> UPDATES ARE MONTHLY</p><p>Warnings: Very dark themes, manipulative behavior, toxic relationship, emotional abuse, dubious consent, angst, mental instability, insinuation of rape, mention of past sac-religious acts, alcohol abuse, self-harm, language, smut, occasional neglect of one Axolotl Salamander named Gary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

A/N: Heyyy friends! No schedule for this. But here is the first chapter, so... Enjoy :)  
                     
~~~

The bar is one that is a hole-in-the-wall, sandwiched between a few nicer hotels.  It smells familiar and comforting. 

Oh, and it is the first one he could see.

He sits at the bar with a glass of amber liquid in his hand.  His reflection stares back at him in the rippling liquid, mocking him.  Mocking him for being here.  Mocking him for what his life has come to. 

He still isn't convinced that this isn't all just a terrible, terrible dream. 

Harry laughs in spite of himself.  He's become his own worst nightmare- not even able to live by his own philosophies- and drinking out of self-pity. 

He drinks the alcohol, praying that it will burn away the guilt and hurt.  Guilt that may be uncalled for, but that he definitely feels anyway.  Guilt over having sex with Niall- thinking for a half second that it was a good idea.  Guilt over not being good enough for Louis. 

And hurt that Louis chose Zayn over him.

He empties the glass, praying for it to burn away the embarrassment.  Embarrassment for begging.  For thinking that Louis felt half as much for him, as he did for Louis. 

And then the embarrassment melts into anger in his throat.  Anger because Louis fucking Tomlinson is the most selfish, insensitive, manipulative, and spineless dick he's ever met. 

Anger because he's so fucking in love with Louis Tomlinson.

He knows there's a lot of drinking that's going to take place tonight; a lot more emotions to connect to incidents and put names to.  He knew it from the second he stopped bawling on Louis' porch an hour ago.  He's been here before, back in his younger days at college when he was drinking all the time.  He's come full circle, really.  It's only fitting.

He orders another glass and is working on drinking away his consciousness when the bartender, Tony as his nametag reads, asks for his keys.

"This is only my second rum, I think I'm fine to drive."  Harry clips.

"You're telling me you're leaving after this drink?"  Tony raises both of his eyebrows.

Harry tenses his jaw and shifts around so he can pull his keys out of his pocket.  He tosses them at Tony.

"You gonna want a taxi?  Or do you have a friend you want me to call instead?"  Tony puts his keys in a dish behind the bar.

"That would require me to want to be around any of my friends at the moment."  Harry picks at the napkin to the side of his drink.

"Do you need to talk about it?"  Tony walks around the bar to sit next to Harry, flipping his auburn hair from off his forehead.

"You're so bored that you're asking me why I'm here?"  Harry scoffs.  Not that he isn't a naturally open person, but he feels a significant amount of righteous self-pity at the moment.  He'll allow himself to be a little spiteful to strangers.  No sense in letting this opportunity go to waste. 

"Seeing as it's a Thursday night, two days after Christmas and we're deader than Elvis, yes I am asking.  Unless you don't want to talk about it."  Tony reaches over the bar to grab a Blue Moon for himself.

Harry tries not to wince and think about the first night he met Louis and Louis gave him a sip of his Blue Moon to take an anti-inflammatory.  Louis' stupid irresponsible adult choices that are absolutely, completely endearing to Harry.

He needs to stop thinking about Louis.  Romanticizing what they had will only make it harder for Harry.  Maybe he thought times used to be happy and fun between them, but it's so starkly opposite of things now that he may as well forget the happy times' existence.

But.  He likes talking to people, and Tony is a nice enough guy.  What's the point in self-pity if there's no one else to validate his feelings?

He plays it off because nobody likes a desperate person searching for sympathy.  "Nothing I'm sure you haven't seen before.  Been in love with my straight best friend since before I hit puberty.  Fell stupidly in love with another guy.  Then fucked it all up.  The usual."  He doesn't want to lay it on too thick if Tony is going to dismiss him, but he thinks he's reeled him in.

"So your friend never knew you were gay and you finally told him?"  Tony asks.

Harry breathes a sigh of relief, because Tony's given him the okay to unload.  Really, that's all Harry wants.  Just to talk.  Just to fucking talk candidly.  And Louis never gave him that prerogative.

"Nah.  My friend's known I've loved him for years."  Harry swirls the liquid around in the glass.  "Then I fell in love with someone else because I was sick of waiting.  Then I slept with my friend, and my love interest decided he'd rather be with his abusive, controlling, fucked up ex-soul-mate who abandoned him in a foreign country over me."

Tony nods slowly.  "That's... definitely not something I hear often around here."

"Which part?"  Harry finishes off the glass.

"Well... I mean, did you really expect your boyfriend to still want you after sleeping with someone else?"  Tony makes his way back around the bar to get Harry another drink.

"He was definitely  _not_  my boyfriend; and he slept with his ex-boyfriend too.  I wasn't the only perpetrator here."  Harry says icily.

Tony squints his eyes at Harry.  "So he didn't love you then.  You love and slept with two guys who both don't love you."

Harry wants to throw something at Tony.  Preferably something heavy.  "What the fuck?  I thought you were supposed to help people feel better about themselves?"  So much for sympathy.  This is going just about as productively as his conversations would with Louis.

God, Harry feels bitter.

Tony slides another glass of rum to Harry.  "Nah, that isn't in my job description."

Harry grabs the glass indignantly.  "Well, for your information, they both love me."

Tony laughs heartily.  "So you're just an idiot then.  A narcissistic idiot.  Slept with two guys who love you, and thought you could keep both of them."

"Fuck you."  Harry mumbled half-heartedly into his drink. 

He honestly couldn't disagree with Tony on that point.  Out of everything though, he just hoped it would have ended differently.  In his brain, things were happier.  Everyone had the benefit of the doubt.  Everyone wanted to get along with each other and be happy. 

Harry understands a little better now where Louis and Niall were coming from if they felt anything like how he feels now.

There was a moment (many moments actually) when he was at his house on Christmas Eve, and thought of Louis and how his actions could affect him.  Harry sat at the computer trying to remember his Skype password.  He had just gotten the email to reset his password when Niall had interrupted.

_"Hazza, can I talk to you for a minute?"  Niall shuts Harry's bedroom door softly behind him._

_Harry pets Meeko on his desk, her reindeer antlers going crooked on her head.  "Sure.  Has my mum gone to bed already?"  He really hopes she has, otherwise he's going to have to keep his virtual sex quieter than he was planning for.  Having a room in the basement has its perks, but the kitchen is only up the stairs and around the corner._

_"Yeah."  Niall scuffs his foot on the carpet._

_"Is everything okay?"  Harry hopes when Niall says a minute, he really just means 'a minute'.  But based off of his body language, Harry thinks this might take longer than that.  He should probably text Louis to let him know he hasn't forgotten about him._

_"Not really.  I just wanted to apologize about how I've been acting.  I'm really sorry that I caused problems with you and Louis."  Niall paces over to sit on his bed and stares up at the twinkling Christmas lights._

_"'S fine.  We're working through it."  Harry dismisses._

_Louis, obviously, was not completely over it, as much as he tried to tell Harry otherwise.  Yes, Louis had trusted Harry enough to be in control of their love making several days ago, which was one of the most meaningful things Louis could have ever given Harry.  But Harry knows Louis better than that.  He knows that when Louis physically acts out, he's expressing what he wants internally, but doesn't know how to get at the time.  He knows that because Louis trusts him externally in the bedroom now, Louis is figuring out how to internally trust Harry more._

_Or just trust himself more fully with loving Harry._

_There had obviously been texts.  Texts from Harry to Louis asking if he needed to talk about their minor falling out regarding his and Niall's sexual promiscuity with each other.  Louis, obviously, changed the subject- tried to distract with sexting- and brushed it under the rug as he does when he's not ready to address something._

_So finally, Harry stopped apologizing and decided to wait until he got back to try and have a conversation with Louis about it._

_But_ God _, that thought gives him a headache.  Trying to productively converse with Louis is more difficult than herding cats._

_Which Harry also has experience in, since he's owned several cats at the same time._

_But Louis did promise.  He promised conversations.  They would be able to sort out their concerns with one another (or well, Harry's concerns with Louis), and have a real relationship.  Harry has so much hope for them.  He knows they can become something great.  He wouldn't have gone to see Jake two days ago if he wasn't sure about them._

_Niall breaks him out of his reverie.  "You two are pretty tight knit then.  If he's willing to forgive you for getting off with me in between when he had his dick up your ass."_

_"You don't have to be so crude about it.  He's a person with feelings."  Harry rolls his eyes.  "And I think he'd forgive me for most anything.  He just sometimes needs a few days to realize it."_

_"Because you get everything you want, right?"  Niall sneers._

_"It's not like that.  I just meant he needs to cool down after things happen.  It's a good and normal thing."  Harry swivels his chair around to glare at Niall._

_"Good and normal because it gets you what you want."  Niall raises his voice.  "You told me the night you met him that you would end up fucking him.  You got it mate, congrats.  What's next?  You already have the 'boyfriend' part in the bag.  You just need to ask and he'll say yes.  So maybe you're going to jump straight to a proposal then?"_

_Harry stands up and balls his fist at his sides.  "God, what is_ wrong _with you lately Niall?  I swear, I don't even know who you are anymore!  I'm happy, why can't you accept that?"_

_Niall stands up face-to-face with Harry.  "Because you fucking twat, I'm in love with you, and you're making me stand here and spell it out for you because you're too busy with your boy toy to even give a shit about me anymore!"_

_Harry's mouth runs dry.  "Don't fuck around with me Ni."_

_"I'm not."  Niall's face softens ever so slightly.  "Why do you think I've been having such a hard time with Louis?  Why do you think I've been drinking so much?  Do you think I like thinking about you and him together?  I don't, and I did what I had to do to deal with it, but I had to tell you sometime."_

_Harry's fists go from clenched to sweaty and cold.  "I think you're just trying to keep sabotaging my relationship with him.  If you loved me, you would let me be happy.  You wouldn't have waited until I was serious with someone else to tell me how you feel."_

_"So what if I am still trying to sabotage it?"  Niall counters back.  "Why would I do that anyway?"_

_"Because!  You're-" Harry bites his tongue.  Jealous.  Because Niall is jealous.  Niall is jealous of Louis because he really loves Harry.  That's why Niall can't let Harry be happy.  Because he's jealous.  "Why did you wait until now?"_

_"Sometimes you have to realize what you're losing before you recognize how badly you want it."  Niall says._

_Harry swallows.  "That doesn't sound like love.  It sounds like desperation."_

_Niall takes a step closer.  "Haz, the only kind of desperate I am is desperately in love with you.  I just didn't realize it till now.  I've always loved you.  I always have been, and I want to be here for you.  I would do anything for you, and you know it.  I just- I didn't realize the pit in my stomach when I saw you with him was jealousy, because I didn't realize I could love you as more than a friend."_

_Harry bites his lip.  "No.  No.  You can't do that Niall.  There've been too many other people- Louis isn't the first person you've known I'm sleeping with- you had to have figured it out before now-"_

_"But he's the first one you've loved!"  Niall runs a hand through his hair.  "And Harry, seeing you love someone else- I just... I've loved you this whole God damned time and didn't even know it.  I love you so fucking much Harry.  So much, and I want you so badly..."_

_Niall steps closer to Harry to pick up his hand.  "Since we were kids Haz.  I've always loved you and wanted you.  Then a couple years back, you- you told me you loved me.  I was too dense then.  In denial.  But I loved you then too."_

_And no, this is not right.  There's no way this is happening to Harry's life.  He's just figuring things out with Louis.  He loves Louis.  He loves Louis so much, more than anything-_

_But he's loved Niall for so much longer.  His love for Niall has always been there like a part of his identity that will never change.  Louis would understand.  Louis would forgive him._

_This isn't right though.  Not like this._

_"Niall, no.  You can't- I can't-" Harry takes a step back.  "I'm with Louis.  I love Louis.  I'm so sorry Niall."_

_Niall laughs lightly.  "You're not with Louis any more than you're with me.  It's your life Harry.  You get to choose what you want.  Louis hasn't been making any decisions for the two of you."_

_It's like a dagger being twisted in his gut to hear it, but Harry knows it's true._

_"Just not- not now Niall.  Please don't do this to me."  Harry really needs to end the conversation.  He'll go up to the kitchen for a quick glass of orange juice to clear his head, then come back down to his room to have awesome, virtual, birthday sex with Louis._

_"When then?"  Niall's voice strains.  "When you break up with Louis?  When you're trying to make him jealous?  When he dumps you and you're heartbroken?  Or are you going to wait for me to try and move on from this, and want me once I'm in love with someone else?  You're not even going to give us a chance?"_

_Harry pulls at his roots.  "Stop, Niall.  Stop please."  He can't think about this.  He's already allowed himself to feel too emotionally compromised to have any kind of good result come from this conversation._

_"Just kiss me Harry!  Kiss me and tell me you don't feel anything for me!"_

_Harry looks around for any kind of escape from the situation.  He can't tell if his heart pounding out of his chest is telling him to run to Louis or stay here with Niall.  It's just a kiss- just a kiss and it's not a big deal.  Just a kiss to get it out of his system.  To get over his teenage crush, his first love-_

_Harry grabs Niall by the lapels and kisses him with everything he has to give.  All the_ years _of angst, of wanting and crying and sweating because he's is love with his best friend.  And Niall is kissing him back and it's everything he's dreamed of for the last decade._

_Just, he just... has to get it out of his system._

_But the wanting didn't stop._

Harry laughs, snapping out of his memories, and Tony gives him a look.  "Except I didn't think the ordeal would end in me wanting- I thought, I thought..."

Tony nods his head appreciatively.  "Naturally, you want the one who is still in love with his ex-soul-mate-lover-boyfriend."

Harry pushes the cup back to Tony.  "Draft Blue Moon please.  And you make me sound so fucking shallow.  It's not like that." 

"You only wish it wasn't like that."  Tony fills the glass under the tap.

"It's  _not_."  Harry argues.  "I knew I didn't want Niall halfway through when I had my cock up his ass.  I didn't even  _know_  Louis had slept with Zayn then.  I didn't know I didn't want Niall that way until I knew that I didn't want Niall that way.  And by that point I figured I may as well finish the fucking."

"So now it's awkward between you and Niall. And Louis?- no, Zayn- is running off into the sunset with your true love, Louis."  Tony slides the overflowing beer to Harry.

Harry snorts.  "There's no such thing as true love."

"Sure there is.  You're just heartbroken right now.  You'll come to accept it soon enough."  Tony pats the counter twice.  "Till then, you're welcome to drink away your pain here with me."

Harry rolls his eyes and slurps up the head of the beer.  "Drink away my sexual frustrations too.  God, I was getting laid so good-  _so fucking good_  Tony, you don't understand.  Then Zayn takes away my man and his heart and his cock and every part of him.  If I ever see Zayn in my lifetime, I swear to God I will beat the fucking will to live out of him."

Tony opens his mouth to say something, but the door chimes as another customer walks in.  He welcomes the guy, and Harry buries his face in his glass of beer.  He doesn't regard the guy until he sits a seat away from Harry and throws his card on the counter.  "I'd like to get so drunk tonight that I don't know my name anymore and hopefully burn off this fucking cold sore I've had for days."

Harry looks over at him, and  _fuck_ , he's breath taking really.  Tony quirks an eyebrow at the both of them.  "Looks like you and Harry can keep each other company then.  Are you also here on account of being jilted by a lover?"

The guy laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard.  "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Harry is intrigued now and smirks at the guy.  "Well now you have to tell us." 

"Your strongest tequila please."  He says to Tony.  "Well it all started probably before you were born, young, curly one."  Harry glares at him in retaliation.  "But it all ended tonight.  After I flew my ass from New York to find my boyfriend who I couldn't find for years.  I thought he was fucking dead- he never could properly take care of himself alone.  Then I finally find him, we have some fantastic make-up sex, then he calls me two days later telling me to fuck off.  So now I'm here, talking to you."  He eyes Harry up and down.

Harry wonders if his morals are lowered enough to where he could consider having pity sex with this guy.  He's older, but not so old that Harry would feel weird about it at all.  Maybe bringing him back to his flat could get Niall to lay the fuck off him for a few days.

Harry smiles behind another drink of his beer and can't help the nagging feeling that he knows this guy from somewhere.

"You look familiar.  Did you ever go to ASU?"  Harry asks casually.

"No.  Been in New York for the last couple years, and before that, was traveling.  Never been here.  The hotel I'm staying at next door just had their AC unit break and I needed alcohol and air conditioning.  Fucking hot as hell."  The guy takes the Patron from Tony, who has busied himself on his phone.

"Traveling?  Where to?"  Harry cocks his head.  The nagging feeling is turning into butterflies in his stomach because he's not sure if this is the start of something great, or a complete mockery of his inability to progress in life.

"Thailand mainly.  Just about everywhere in South East Asia.  But Thailand is like my second home by now."  The guy drinks his tequila and the butterflies are laughing their asses off at Harry from inside his stomach.

"'S ironic."  Harry laughs into his drink.

"Ironic?"  The guy lifts an eyebrow.

Harry shakes his head.  "Nothing.  Too long of a story."

"Then tell me a short story.  Tell me more about you Harry.  Why are you here tonight?"  The guy asks.

"Just feeling bad for myself because I fucked and lost my best friend, then lost my not-quite-boyfriend because he'd rather fuck his ex-boyfriend into the sunset."  Harry gives him the summarized version because he realizes the gorgeous stranger probably doesn't actually care and is waiting for the part where one of them invites the other over.

Which Harry is really debating doing, except the guy addresses him again.

"Sucks mate, I'm sorry."  He motions for Tony to fill his cup again.  "What do you do then?" 

"As in for work, or...?"  Harry trails off.

"So you're a college kid then."  He says with a nod.  "Definitely the athletic type, and probably a job at a posh fashion store of some sort?"  The guy flutters his charcoal black eyelashes at Harry.

Harry's eyes widen.  "And you know all that... how?"

The guy shrugs.  "Normally when people are asked what they do, they respond automatically with their career or greatest passion.  If they don't, and they're  _young_ ," he gives Harry a pointed look, "it's safe to assume they're in the middle of lots of things.  College because of your age.  Athletic because, have you seen yourself in the mirror?"   He gives Harry a wink.  "And posh fashion because nobody wears their collared shirts buttoned all the way up unless they have hickies or understand fashion.... Or both."  He tacks on at the end with a smirk.

Shit, it reminds him of that time he was sitting in the Greek restaurant with Louis and Louis whipped out a damn near perfect analysis of that night Harry had gotten drunk with Niall. 

Harry chuckles.  "God, you're like,  _really_  good.  Where'd you learn that from?"  

The guy smiles.  "My mentor.  I could teach you if you'd like."

The butterflies start gnawing at the lining of Harry's stomach and he thinks it's probably because he's a little tipsy and a lot flattered.

"Mentor... What did you say you do?"  Harry shakes off his flurry of feelings.

"Massage therapy.  My mentor taught me... more than just massage therapy."  The guys laughs like it's an inside joke with himself.  "Kind of a tradition in my particular line of mentorship."

And Harry.  Well, the butterflies feel like they've all been dipped in acid and are screaming to get out of his body.  Harry feels like this is probably a very, very sick deja vu that is punishing him.  Or he's dreaming.  He's definitely still dreaming.  In reality, he's in bed with Louis, wrapped tightly in his arms, and soon he'll wake up and make Louis a healthy breakfast.

And then there's the other feeling that Harry tries so hard to sort out.  To find through the fog in his brain.  To clearly see where he's seen this guy before.  Maybe not him.  Maybe a younger brother of his...

Harry runs a hand through his curls.  Regardless, he can't do this.  There's no way in hell Harry is going to touch anything vaguely relating to Louis or massage therapy or Coldplay with a 10 foot pole until he's had another couple weeks of binging on alcohol.  He'll just apologize to the too-sexy, too-kind guy and excuse himself. 

Except, Harry goes to address the man, and realizes he doesn't know his name.  "Sorry- what did you say your name was?" 

"Zayn.  How rude of me.  Good to properly meet you Harry."  Zayn smiles and holds a hand out for Harry to shake.

"Well Zayn- I'm really-"

Fucking, what?

"Zayn Malik."  Harry's eyes widen like he's just been possessed by another being.  "Zayn.  Oh my fucking-"

No.  Nope.  Harry is insane.  He is asleep.  Or on drugs.  Maybe he accidentally took some of Louis' ecstasy.  Does one hallucinate while on ecstasy?

"What did you see my full name on my credit card?"  Zayn laughs cautiously.  "I was going to just stay on first name basis, but..."  He trails off.

"Louis Tomlinson."  Harry says it like it's the password for the Pentagon.  Because he  _has_  to know.  He  _has_  to make sure because this makes absolute no sense.  'Zayn' Zayn should be with Louis right now.  'Zayn' Zayn is the Zayn that Louis wants instead of Harry.

It takes Zayn a moment to compute what Harry had just said, and when it hits him, his face slowly squints into a look of complete confusion.

"I- he... I know him from ASU.  He's the massage therapist for my swim team.  You're Zayn.  He- he's mentioned you."  Harry's heart is beating a thousand miles a minute and he's seconds away from killing Zayn.

Tony is watching with a deer-in-the-headlight look and starts to dial a number on his phone, and Harry gives him a steely look.  Tony shakes his head at Harry and Harry holds up a finger to Tony, begging for just one minute.  Tony slowly pockets his phone.

"Louis Tomlinson is the selfish, insensitive, helpless, asshole of a reason why I'm here.  The one I flew from fucking New York to come find then tells me to fuck off."  Zayn's hand tightens around his glass of tequila.

Harry all the sudden feels like he has too much information and too much power and he has no idea what the hell to do with all of it.  "No.  He didn't tell you to fuck off, he- he picked you."

Why in the hell is Harry having a conversation with Zayn Malik in a bar?

"Sorry curly, you've been misinformed.  My information is hot off the press from about 30 minutes ago."  Zayn gives a pained look and downs the rest of his alcohol.

"So he's alone?"  Harry reiterates.  This makes no sense.

"You know what?  I hope he is.  I hope the bastard dies alone like he deserves.  He's never known what's good for him."  Zayn scoffs.  "Especially when it comes to me.  Always thinks he's better off choosing someone else."  Zayn rolls his eyes and carries on animatedly.  "Why?  Are you a friend of the other guy?  The other one he has 'feelings' for?  You can tell your friend that Louis will never be anything other than selfish and stupid.  He'll pick himself over anyone else every time."

Harry's fist is in Zayn's face before he can say another word.  Zayn swears while Tony yells at Harry.  Harry caught Zayn off-guard, so he gets another good three punches in before Zayn gives him a sharp elbow to the rips.  Harry's back is slammed into the edge of the bar and he cries out in pain.  He blindly throws his fists and feels hard bone against his knuckles.  Harry takes another hard punch and then feels his head slam against the ground.

Black.

~~~

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

A/N: Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments on last chapter! I'm excited you guys are excited for this :) 

Twitter: [@LemonSuccubus](http://www.twitter.com/lemonsuccubus) follow me and I'll follow back <3

 

~~~

Harry jolts awake and immediately presses a hand to the back of his head.  "Fucking shit."  He winces as his teeth graze his busted lip.

He opens his eyes and he blinks away the blurriness only to see white.  And it smells like throw up.

There's bright fluorescent lights beaming down on his face and he's lying on cold concrete.  He sits up slowly and looks through a wall of metal bars.  To his left is a man who looks homeless, to his right, a girl several years younger than him.

"Good morning sunshine."  The old man says to him.

"How long have I been in here?"  Harry pats his pockets to see if maybe his phone didn't get confiscated.

It did.

"Longer than me."  The girl huffs.

"Jeez, I... I haven't been in a drunk tank since I was probably your age."  Harry laughs, and it hurts his head.  He probably had only been just barely over the limit- if even at all.  The cops probably decided it was just the easiest course of action.

"Well then welcome back."  The old man gives Harry a grin that shows off his apparent lack of teeth.

"There was another guy... Zayn.  Tall, dark, and handsome.  Was he here?"  Harry asks the man.

He nods solemnly.  "Ah yes.  Mr. Cheekbones.  He has quite the temper.  They gave him a citation, but his level wasn't high enough for them to lock him up."

"Do you know- did he say anything else?"  Harry rubs at the back of his neck.

"Nothing of importance.  Just a lot of bitching."  The old man yawns.  "The po-po's should be making another round here soon.  Should be about morning."

There's a loud 'click' and then a door opens to reveal two police officers.  "Rise and shine.  On your feet."

Harry stands up along with the girl and old man. 

One officer has a clip board, and the other one has a breathalyzer.  It gets held it up to the girl first.

"Blow."  The officer instructs. 

She does and the other cop writes down the number on the paper.  "You're good to go.  Your things are at the desk in the other room."

Harry's turn is next.  He gets cleared and gathers his things.  He predictably has a lot of missed calls from Niall.  He ignores them and decides to walk back to the bar since he's only a couple minutes away.

It's 8am, so luckily it's not too hot out yet.  When he gets to the bar, he realizes that of course it's closed.  It's 8am.  He sits down on the concrete and stares at his Harley that's still parked in the lot.

Why the hell did Louis lie to him?  He didn't pick Zayn...

He calls Louis.  It goes straight to voicemail.  He calls three more times, and it sends him to voicemail every time.

Harry thinks he probably turned his phone off so he could get high in peace.  Or maybe he's at work.  Harry has no idea what Louis' schedule is like at this point. 

If he had his key ring he could use Louis' spare key to break into his house.  Not that it would be breaking in, since Harry technically sort of has permission to do so.  But his keys are 10 feet away from him, behind the locked doors of the bar.  He could always walk to Louis' house and bang on his door until he opens it.

It's either that, wait until noon for the bar to open, or go home and deal with more Niall.

He walks to Louis' house. 

By the time he gets there, it's 8:30 and Louis' car is in the driveway.  Harry knocks a couple times, then without waiting for an answer, walks to the backdoor to see if Louis has a hidden key anywhere he doesn't know about. 

He just hopes the neighbors recognize him by now and won't call the cops on him.

All the doors and windows are locked.  Harry tries calling Louis twice more, frustration boiling up with each ring that isn't answered.

After a while of pounding on the door, he heads to the spa, hoping that if Louis is at work today, he chose to walk for whatever fucking reason.  Even if he's not there, Harry can just ask Kara what's going on.

Harry's sweating profusely by the time he walks through the doors.  The strong smell of perfumes, oils, and soaps fill his nose and make his heart clench.  Everything smells like Louis and their memories here together, and Harry half expects Louis to come sauntering down the hall from his office and drag him back there for a heated make-out session and morning blowjob.

"Excuse me?  Sir?"  A girl with black curly hair sits behind the reception desk.

Harry squints at her.  He thinks he recognizes her.  Maria?  The new girl Louis recently hired.  "Where's Kara?"

"Sorry, who are you?"  Maria looks at the computer and back up at Harry.

Harry feels a little affronted, mainly because he's used to having V.I.P. access to anywhere he wants in the spa.  But Maria is new.  She'll learn quickly.  "I'm Louis', erm... person.  Friend.  Louis' best friend.  And Kara's friend."  He waves his hand in the air.  "Is Louis here?"  His heart pounds out of his chest a little more at the thought that Louis could be just down the hall from him.

Maria gives him a suspicious look.  "You're their friend?"

Harry is definitely not feeling the least bit patient at the moment, but knows he won't get anywhere without some tact... and charm.  He internally sighs and leans forward against the counter, hoping he doesn't still smell like alcohol.  He gives her his best smile.  "Best friend actually.  I just need to talk to Louis about his salamander.  I'm watching Gary today you see, and I just have a couple questions I had to come ask him.  He, um- I think his phone is off, so he said to just stop by if I have any questions."

It's quite possible... definitely possible, that it's the worst lie Harry has ever told in his entire life.  He's always been a shit liar.  But he hopes it will pass as believable.

Maria's eyes go twice their size.  "Um, just one moment... Sorry, what was your name?"

"Harry Styles."  Harry gives her a warm smile, completely contrary from the icy impatience surging through his veins.

Maria scoots her chair back and leaves to go to the main floor where most of the esthetician's booths are.  Harry sighs, wondering if he should just surpass her jurisdiction and head back to Louis' office. 

Louis' words from last night bounce through his brain.   _"This isn't about you Harry.  It's about me.  Stop trying to make everything about yourself.  I'm choosing this."_   He never said he picked Zayn.  He explicitly said it was about himself.  But he didn't deny the multiple times Harry insinuated it was a choice between him or Zayn.

Is he trying to make it easier for Harry?  Is he going to be satisfied letting Harry believe it?  Is that what he  _wants_  Harry to believe?

Harry looks from side to side- making sure the coast is clear- and heads down the hall, planning on barging in and demanding answers from Louis.

"Harry!" 

Harry swivels around so quickly he almost falls over.  "Lexie?" 

Fuck. 

Lexie is  _not_  going to be happy to see him.  Niall had apparently called her over the weekend telling her he can't see her anymore because he was with Harry now.  Harry only figured this out by walking in on the tail end of their conversation, and then giving Niall a verbal lashing over it.

Fuck, this is all such a mess.  Niall ruined everything.

No, Harry ruined everything.

"Sorry, you can't be here right now."  She paces up to him in the hall and grabs his arm to escort him back to the lobby.

"What do you mean?  Do you want me to come back when it's closer to lunch?  I really need to speak with Louis."  Harry huffs.

"You can't.  Please leave."  Lexie bites her lip and points to the door.

Harry cranes his neck backward in disbelief.  "Sorry... Are you kicking me out?"

Lexie's face tightens and she nods simply.

"I'm not leaving.  I'll stay here all day, I don't care."  Harry says petulantly.

Lexie purses her lips.  "Louis' not here today."

Harry blinks at her with false innocence.  "Well he's not at his house either, so do you mind telling me where he is?"

"Please leave Harry.  If Louis wants you to know where he is, he would tell you."  Lexie folds her arms.

"This is bullshit."  Harry pushes passed her and heads down the hall again to Louis' office. 

Lexie calls after him, but he doesn't care.  He just needs to see Louis.  To ask him  _why_.  To watch all the words cross his face that he won't say out loud.  To see if he stands up for himself or tries to run.  To see what he thinks he's trying to accomplish by pushing everyone out of his life.

When Harry thrusts the door open, the office is empty.  All the furniture stands how it did when he was here last Friday, but the desk is completely cleared of papers and trinkets, making it look like Louis had just cleaned it.  Harry strides over to the desk and starts yanking the drawers open.  Everything is still how it was on Friday, minus the Yeager and chocolate from the bottom drawer.

Lexie stands in the doorway.  "He's not here Harry."

"So is he at lunch?"  Harry slams the drawer shut.

"No.  He's not here.  Please leave."  Lexie repeats.

"Is he servicing a client?"  Harry stalks towards Louis' massage room.

He stops when he sees Louis' room.  All of the things are still there, except the sheets on the table have been used and rumpled, and there is a bottle of vanilla oil on the floor next to a cracked frame.

"Where did he go?"  Harry asks feeling like he's all the sudden completely lost in the small, empty room.

Lexie doesn't answer him, so Harry turns around and raises his voice a little.  "Where.  Did Louis.  Go?"

Lexie shakes her head.  "I  _don't_  know.  Kara went with him.  He doesn't want to be found Harry."

"His car was in his driveway."  Harry says like it will make a difference to Lexie.

She just shrugs.  "I don't know Harry.  I'm sorry."

Harry leans his head back against the wall.  He chews on the inside of his cheek for a moment before fishing out his phone.  Another three missed calls from Niall.  He ignores them and calls Louis.

Straight to voicemail.

He paces around before deciding to call Kara, so glad that he helped Kara that weekend Louis was out of town at his manager retreat and got her number.

He taps his foot impatiently as it rings.   _Finally_ , she answers, but Harry only hears a muffled sound.

He starts pacing and presses the phone closer to his ear.  "Kara?  Hello?  Kara, are you there?"

_"Shhh!"_

_"No!  Louis, you_ have _to tell him!"_ Kara says.

Harry stops dead in his tracks. 

 _"SHHH!  If you answer that phone, I'll fire you."_ Louis giggles.

Hearing Louis' voice- his laugh...  Harry hangs his head and bites his lip as his heart feels torn in half, hoping to hear more information.

Kara huffs. _"Louis, God, you just-"_  

 _"Leave him alone Kara.  It's his life."_   Another female voice says.

 _"Hayden, I love you, but you_ don't _understand!"_   Kara pleads.

 _"Hang up the damn phone and let him have some privacy."_ Hayden clips.

 _"Karaaa!  You better listen to your wifey.  Hi Hazzy!  You'll never find meee!"_ Louis laughs again and Harry's heart shatters into a thousand pieces.

Harry cups the phone speaker closer to his mouth, forcing words to come out of his tight throat.  "Louis?  Louis, where are you?  Please, I just-  _fuck_!   _Please_  Louis, talk to me."

 _"I already told you, it's not going to work out.  I choose me.  Me, me, me, me!  Nobody gets me but me!  I'm not good enough for anyone but me!  I'm not fucking up any more people!  Or fucking any more people-"_ Louis stops to laugh.

Kara speaks up again.   _"Harry, he got really drunk on the plane, he-"_

There's more muffling. _"Harry?  It's Hayden.  Please respect Louis' decision to cut you out of his life.  He doesn't want you so I strongly suggest that you move on."_

The anger and fire flare up from his toes to his nose.  "Listen up bitch!"  Harry growls.  "Don't tell me what the fuck to do with my life or with Louis!  Where the hell are you-"

The line goes dead.

"Fuck!"  Harry kicks the open door against the wall.  "No!  Fuck!"

"Harry, please leave.  You're going to cause a scene."  Lexie pulls him out of the room and drags him down the hall.  "I told you, he's  _not_  here."

Too much is happening too quickly and Harry feels like a rug is being pulled out from under his feet over and over again and he just can't get a fucking handle on the situation.  Harry really wants to stay put because he feels like if he walks out of Serenity, he'll be letting a part of Louis out of his grasp, and he just- he  _has_  to hold on to what he has left of Louis.

"No, no, no, please.  Just-" Harry looks around for any kind of distraction.  He looks around for a familiar face.  "Blake.  Is Blake here?  I need to talk to Blake."

Lexie stops at the reception counter and folds her arms.  "Blake isn't available."

Harry really doesn't like to be difficult.  But he dislikes not getting his way even more.  "I'll loiter in the parking lot and call the front desk until you let me talk to him."

Lexie pushes two fingers to her temple.  "Harry, it's not going to help.  I'm sorry, I'm  _so_  sorry.  But none of us know what the hell happened.  I got a call last night from our corporate headquarters saying that Louis got offered a higher position, and that he and Kara wouldn't be working here anymore.  Since I'm the head esthetician, I'm running the spa for now.  I don't know where the hell he is, and I don't know why this was so sudden."

Harry shakes his head.  "He's coming back right?  His office, and his massage room- his car..."

Lexie purses her lips.  "He's not coming back.  They're holding interviews right now to replace him permanently."

"But he can't just leave."  Harry wonders if he searched around the reception desk how easy it would be to find the number for corporate headquarters.  He could call and ask,  _fuck_ , what were their names? -Brenton?  Jessy?- where Louis was relocated to.  If he didn't get answers there, he could just call every Serenity outside of Arizona until he figures out which one Louis works at.

"He  _can_  leave."  Lexie raises her eyebrows.  " _Especially_  if he finds out his boyfriend is fucking someone behind his back.  I don't blame him one bit.  He doesn't want to be found, so leave him alone.  He doesn't want you Harry."   

Harry throws a hand up in the air.  "You don't even know the half of it Lexie, so don't pretend like you have any idea what's gone on."  He has to leave.  He has to come back when no one is here and search all the computers.  He has to Google Serenity Spa's until then.

Harry turns on his heel, ignoring Lexie and fishing out his phone.  Another missed call from Niall.  He shoves the glass doors open as he exits into the spa into the dry heat.  He grits his teeth as he dials Niall.

"Harry!  Where are you?  You didn't come home-"

"I'll be home in five to pick up my laptop.  I'm not staying."  Harry clips.

"Please, let's just talk please. Haz,  _why_  won't you talk to me?"

His words echo Harry's to Louis and it makes his gut wrench.  He hangs up on Niall and pulls his shirt over his head to throw over his arm.  There's no way in hell he's going to jog in a collared shirt.  Let all of Phoenix see the hickies of betrayal.  Let them see the brand new, flaking tattoo of an axolotl salamander inked across his bicep and shoulder.

Jake had asked him over and over again if he was sure about the tattoo.  Harry had him draw it up a couple weeks ago; and after last Friday night with Louis, Harry knew it was the right time.  Luckily the days before Christmas weren't too booked, and Jake was able to schedule him for Christmas Eve's Eve. 

When Jake had asked Harry why, Harry had just told him it was because they swim, like he does.  Jake, having done Harry's previous tattoos just rolled his eyes. 

_"Fine, don't tell me about the mystery man."_

That's all it took really, for Harry to tell Jake (nearly) everything about Louis. 

Fuck, Harry feels stupid.

So, so stupid.

How did he not see this coming?

He jogs, running away from his naivety.  How in the hell could Louis do this to him?  Louis completely blind-sighted him.  It's not just the sex with Zayn either.  Yeah, that part is really shitty and Harry's going to have to have a lot of discussions with Louis about it.  But it's the fact that Louis up and left the fucking state.

Harry buckles over on his knees in front of his apartment complex.  He wipes the sweat from his forehead and jogs up the three flights of stairs.  He doesn't even have to knock because Niall opens the door.

"Harry, are you okay?  What happened?  Where were you?  Why is your face bruised?"  Niall pulls him into their flat.

Harry ignores him and gets a glass of water from the kitchen.

"You can't ignore me forever.  Please.  Just talk to me.  What happened with Louis yesterday?  Did he do this to you?"  Niall crowds into his space and reaches up to touch his face.

"Niall, stop."  Harry holds the empty glass under the faucet again.  Filtered water be damned, he couldn't care less right now.

"Did he kick you out?"  Niall shuts off the running water.

Harry downs the entire glass again before abandoning it in the sink and stalking into his room.  His room that he hates at the moment because it feels so damn empty without Louis. 

Everything feels empty without Louis.

It's just temporary.  Harry will get him back.  Louis will come back.  Harry will talk him into coming back.  He's just barely out of reach, but he's not gone forever.  This can be fixed. 

"Haz, where's your bike?  Why did you run here?"  Niall follows him into his room.

Harry halts in his tracks to turn around.  Niall bumps into him.  "Stop!  Stop trying to talk to me!"  Harry throws his shirt on the ground.

"Then talk to  _me_!  Stop ignoring me damn it!"  Niall throws his hands in the air.  "I'm just trying to help you and you've hardly said a word to me since Christmas Eve.  I'm trying to be here for you Haz, and you're not letting me.  I swear I'll listen."

Shit, he's turned into his own worst nightmare without even trying. 

Harry drops his head back to look at the ceiling and groan.  He suddenly feels like he understands Louis even more personally now.  How Louis felt like talking couldn't just  _fix_  things. 

But Harry is different than Louis.  Talking is good.  Talking can fix things.  It can with Niall too.

Harry just needs to see Louis- to talk to Louis- to let Louis talk to him.

"Fine.  I'm showering.  You can sit on the counter while I talk."  Harry resigns himself to the fact that he's going to have to talk to  _someone_.  Even if Niall is his last choice right now, he's here and convenient and if Harry's being fair, Niall has always given him good advice.

While he waits for the water to warm, he wraps his shoulder with plastic wrap.  Niall sits obediently and patiently on the counter with crossed legs.  Harry gets in the shower and lets the steaming droplets wash down his back.

He lets his mouth part open at the sting against his barely healing lip.  If he thought he was even capable of it, he would gather his thoughts before starting to talk, but he knows the best way for him to make sense of what happened is to just start talking.

"Last night."  Harry starts.  "Last night, I went over to Louis'.  He..."  God, the look on Louis' face yesterday.  It was like he didn't care at all.  Louis said he wasn't high, but it wasn't the real Louis that he talked to yesterday.  Louis isn't like that.  He's a fucking coward for hiding behind drugs to make hard decisions.  To hide from feeling the pain of the consequences of his choices. 

Harry fists the loofah in his hand.  He can't get angry.  He  _can't_.  Out of the two of them, Harry has to stop getting emotional.  He has to look at this logically. 

He takes a breath and continues on.  "Louis slept with Zayn while I was away.  He had been drugging himself since the incident and decided that some great, clear, manifestation had convinced him that he didn't want to be with me."

"He was high when he dumped you?  He dumped you for Zayn?"  Niall asks from the other side of the curtain.

"He let me believe that he dumped me for Zayn.  I ran into Zayn at a bar like an hour after I left Louis' house.  It was the weirdest fucking thing Niall.  Zayn said that Louis told him to fuck off too.  I know it's fate.  Why else would I meet Zayn in a bar?"  Harry scrubs soap on his body a little faster.  He has to go find Louis.  "And then I found out this morning he left the state.  I don't know where he went, but I'm going to find out."

Niall sighs.  "Haz.  From a platonic, objective standpoint, it sounds like Louis wants to be alone then."  

"No."  Harry shakes his head.  "No.  He doesn't know what he wants.  He was high.  He's scared.  He just talked himself into thinking he doesn't deserve to be happy.  He's never let himself be happy."

"Are you sure he was happy with you?"  Niall says cautiously.  "I mean, some people are happier being alone.  He was 'alone' alone for two years until you came along.  But then there's technically that other year which I would count as being alone too since he wasn't happy with his life.  So like, three years of being alone after Zayn." 

Harry digs his nails into his scalp a little harder.  "He was happy with me.  We were happy.  And if not- he... we can just be friends for a while until we figure things out."  He rinses the shampoo from his hair.  "He just needs help, Niall.  He needs to deal with his problems and he can't do it alone.  I need to be there for him.  He talks to me.  He- he lets me help him sometimes."  Harry shuts the water off and pushes the shower curtain to the side. 

Niall sits on the counter pursing his lips.  "Haz... Do I need to remind you of the psych course we took together three years ago?" 

Harry squints his eyes at Niall as he wraps the towel around his waist.  "What?"  He unwraps the plastic wrap from his shoulder and arm.

"Some people don't want to be helped."  Niall hops down to look Harry in the eye.  "He left you Harry.  He left Arizona.  He left everything here because he doesn't want what's here."

Harry throws the plastic wrap into the sink and walks into his bedroom.  "He doesn't know what he wants.  He didn't know what he was doing.  He's scared.  I have to help him."

Niall grabs his hand, making him stop in the middle of the room.  Niall speaks slowly.  "He doesn't want you.  Stop trying to change that."

Harry feels like a giant weight has attached itself to his leg as he sinks down to the bottom of the ocean floor.  His throat tightens and he shakes his head.

"Be with someone who wants to be with you Harry."  Niall pauses.  "Be with me.  I've been here before, during, and now  _after_  Louis.  I'll always be the one that's here for you.  You know that." 

Harry yanks his hand away and tosses his towel aside to bury himself in his bed, feeling all of his energy leave him.  "Go away please."

Niall stops at his doorway, doorknob in hand.  "Just know I'm always here for you.  Even if it's only as a friend.  I suppose it would serve karma justice... to have me be in love with you after all these years and not be able to do anything about it.  Just... I'm here for you."

Then Niall shuts the door behind him.

Louis doesn't want him.  That simple phrase fills the deathly silent vacancy of his room.  It goes on a loop over and over in his head until he finally understands what it means.

And that's when Harry loses it.  He feels like he's on Louis' porch again.  Cradling in on himself and crying like it's the only thing he'll ever do.  Why wasn't he enough for Louis?  What more could he have done?  What should he have done differently? 

There's too many questions and absolutely no answers.  Maybe if Harry wouldn't have slept with Niall it would have changed things.  Louis said it wasn't about that, but maybe it really is.  Maybe Harry really did fuck this up beyond repair.

Maybe Harry didn't love him deep enough.

Maybe Harry just simply isn't enough for Louis. 

Louis doesn't want him.

~~~


	3. Chapter 3

A/N:  This chapter is dedicated to every single one of you!  Today I hit 50K+ views on Fading Zen on Wattpad and 2,000+ hits on AO3, and that's because of  _you_!!  Because  _you_  shared my story with your friends, left kudos, and commented.  You guys have made all this possible and I'm so incredibly grateful for each one of you :).  So here is a celebratory chapter earlier than I planned on updating because you guys are the actual best.  Thank you so much for your love and support and friendships xoxoxo

-LemonSuccubus (Dannie Ybarra)

~~~                

January 8

_It's been 13 days since I last saw Louis._

_I haven't left my bed really.  I haven't prayed.  I haven't done much.  Unless crying and drinking count.  I've done too much of that.  I'm so fucking sick of crying.  Drinking used to suppress it, but it doesn't anymore.  It doesn't matter how much I drink, I still cry._

_I haven't been to practice all week, and coach has been calling me nonstop.  I don't even give a shit if I get kicked off the team.  Nothing has any meaning anymore.  School started today and I'm here, in bed, writing in my journal._

_Fuck. I'm 22 years old and absolutely, completely, pathetically heartbroken._

_When will it stop hurting?  There's nothing in my chest but an ache that feels like it's crushing me every time I try and breathe.  The only thing reminding me I'm even alive is the pain.  God, is this what it felt like when Louis felt alone and abandoned by Zayn?_

~~~

January 15

_I hate Louis._

_I hate everything about him.  I hate his fucking attitude.  I hate his personality.  I hate how selfish he is.  I hate that he thinks he can fuck off somewhere and ignore me.  I hate that he doesn't deal with his problems.  I hate that he's such a motherfucking asshole.  I hate that he left me.  I hate that he ever told me he loved me.  I hate that I ever slept with him.  I hate myself for trusting him enough to give him my heart._

~~~

January 30

_I wish there was an emotion I could feel besides anger.  That's all I ever feel anymore.  Everything pisses me off.  Everyone pisses me off._

_I drove passed Louis' house today and there was a 'For Sale' sign in the front yard.  I would have run it over if I had a car and wasn't worried about going to jail._

_I moved out of my flat.  I haven't seen Niall in weeks... he quit the polo team.  I managed to get my job back after I got fired for not showing up the first half of the month.  I also managed to get back on the polo team only because they desperately need me to qualify for Nationals.  Coach is livid with me, but it's fine because I hate him too.  I've always hated him._

_I stopped calling Louis and leaving angry voicemails when someone new answered the phone saying that they had just gotten a new phone number.  Louis fucking changed his number._

~~~

February 1

_Today is my birthday and I called Kara._

_She hung up then called me back five minutes later.  She just told me she knew it was my birthday and that she wished things were different.  I tried to ask her about Louis, about how he was doing, if he was struggling at all, if he was happy.  She said San Diego isn't what he thought it would be, then apologized and said she had to go._

_It's weird now. Knowing Louis' location. He feels so much closer, but so much farther away at the same time. I wish I didn't know. I feel like it's too much responsibility to carry that information._

_My mom drove up from Tucson and made me a cake.  She tried to help me unpack some boxes in my new flat, but I distracted her with getting her to tell me stories about myself as a child.  I don't know which feeling is worse...  Refusing to accept where my life is by unpacking and creating permanence, or realizing that I was better off staying an innocent child forever than be a jilted adult._

_She was too nice to me.  I wish everyone would fuck off and not care about me.  I can't contribute anything to their life right now anyway._

_I understand why Louis pushes everyone out of his life.  All they are is a reminder of how pitiful of a human being you are... of how much you'll never measure up and only disappoint people._

~~~

February 17

_It's been hard not having anyone to talk to since I left Niall._

_I tried calling my mom for a while until I realized I was just giving her anxiety.  So I went back to drinking.  I've been pretty close with Tony lately, telling him all my woes.  I promised not to beat anyone else up in his bar if he promised not to judge me._

_He's been mostly good on his end of the promise._

March 1

_Last week was the first time I went to a Friday night polo party._

_The team was nice, but not too inquisitive.  It was good to hang with some friends again.  Miguel came and sat by me for most of the time.  He had a pretty shitty holiday break too.  His girlfriend got pregnant by another guy.  We've been hanging out quite a bit since then._

_It's nice having someone to talk to.  I'm finally starting to get out again and drinking a little less.  We know basically everything about each other now.  It's good talking to someone who wants to talk to me back... That's not Niall._

_I've also started praying again.  Even if Shiva or God can't respond verbally, I at least know they're listening._

March 30

_Fuck, I've been busy._

_There's been a lot of attendance make up, extra credit, and extra essays I've had to do to get my grades back up.  I almost lost my scholarship because I was failing my Senior Project classes._

_Miguel's been helping me a ton.  He's been over almost every day and we help each other study.  Our conversations finally are starting to revolve around things that don't have to do with Louis or his ex, Rosa.  He said he saw her holding hands with the father of her baby the other day.  He said it hurt, but not as much as he thought it would._

_I wonder what would happen if I saw Louis.  I wonder how badly it would hurt._

_It's weird, almost an out-of-body experience, to look back on the time I spent with Louis.  It feels so surreal.  Feels like it was only a daydream, except for the way my heart buzzes when I think of him.  I know it was real.  I knew him for only four months, but somehow I know he is one of the most important parts of my life._

_Being with Louis felt... Right.  Even from the beginning.  I thought it was just sexual attraction.  I loved getting him flustered.. catching him off guard.. watching him try and figure me out.  Then along the way I got to see him change.  I saw him learn to trust someone for the first time in years.  I saw him grow and become stronger._

_I can't even pinpoint what it is that makes me love him the way that I do.  I just.. I love him in an all-encompassing way.  Like he was the completing part of my life.  Like he was my happiness and my sadness.  My excitement and my security._

_Everything was different because all I had ever known was an unrequited love with Niall._

_I knew I loved him when I dropped him off at the airport.  I knew he was the most important person in my whole life.  I knew I loved him._

_He loved me implicitly and recklessly, and I loved him back in the same way.  The more my love grew for Louis, the more it faded with Niall._

_When he got back, it felt like a mad dash to make up for lost time.  I couldn't believe it was really happening.  I couldn't believe Louis Tomlinson loved and trusted me back.  I couldn't believe he trusted me that much._

_Even through all the sex, I saw him changing... always changing and growing and learning.  God, we got in some stupid fights.  I was such a fucking idiot.  But we made it through those stupid fights._

_It's like... it was like, the universe was just waiting for us to figure our shit out.  Like, we were always meant to be together, but we just had to smooth out all the nuances along the way.  Get into stupid fights to realize they were stupid and remember what was important.  It's never felt like that with anyone but him._

_Then.  Shit.  I don't even know what went wrong.  I feel like... maybe it was one of those moments in life where there was a fork in the road.  And we just weren't strong enough to choose the right path that ended with us being together.  I don't know why.  I think maybe... it was because we were unsure with what we wanted.  I had to figure out the shit with Niall.  Louis had to figure out his shit with Zayn.._

_But we didn't ever figure out the problems between us._

_I wish I could get over him. I wish I could let it go. But every time I even think about it, I feel sick to my stomach._

_I wonder if Louis thinks about me every day like I think of him.  I wonder if he misses me.  I wonder if he's happy.  I really hope he's doing well._

_I wonder if I had as big of an impact on his life as he did on mine._

_On a happier note, Miguel has got me hooked on Reggaeton.  It's fair though, he's in love with Bhangra hehe._

April 12

_Today was my last day of work._

_Yesterday was the last water polo game... we didn't qualify for nationals.  It's okay though.  I never wanted to be a professional polo player._

_The semester is starting to wrap up.... My last semester.  Four and a half years and in two weeks I'm finally graduating.  I have no clue what I want to do after graduation.  I haven't applied for any jobs._

_I used to think I wanted to be an international sociocultural researcher.  I had my resume completely prepared and ready to send in to National Geographic.  But somehow I just feel like I can't.  I feel tied here.  I feel like there's unfinished business._

_I feel like I need to go find Louis._

May 5

_Today is graduation._

_I feel like I blinked and now I'm here.  It's like time doesn't exist anymore._

_It's like I'll always love Louis no matter what._

~~~

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

A/N: Dedicated to [sara_ivett15](https://www.wattpad.com/user/sara_ivett15) for all the comments and support through this whole journey <3

Twitter: [@LemonSuccubus](http://www.twitter.com/lemonsuccubus)

~~~

The dean stands on the stage in front of Harry's graduating class.  "Welcome Class of 2016!"

There's a loud eruption of cheers.  Harry jumps up from his seat next to Miguel and they shout with giant grins on their face.  The whole polo team takes up the row they're sitting on, Niall at the opposite end.

"Alright, alright.  I know we're all excited here."  The dean motions for the crowd to sit, and Harry sits back down, still laughing manically with Miguel.  "Give us a warm welcome our guest, professional football player, Samuel MacGuire!"

Everyone gives a polite applause this time. 

Harry shifts in his seat and adjusts his burgundy gown.  The tassel on his hat keeps tickling his cheek, so he finally tucks it underneath his hat. 

He scans the audience for his mom.  She had sent him a text saying that she could see him because she was on the front row.  He quickly spots Miguel's family, all holding signs and giant foam fingers. 

His mom is probably sitting with Niall's family.  Both his mom and Niall's parents knew about the falling out they had, but it didn't change the fact that his and Niall's mom have been best friends for 11 years.  It's okay though.  He and Niall are cordial towards one another anytime they see each other now.  They do have the same circle of friends after all.

He'll have to just text his mom to let her know the polo team is having a graduation party.  Miguel talked him into coming for only an hour or two, and then Harry's mom is taking him out to dinner. 

Harry wonders if Louis remembers today is his graduation.  Probably not since it was ages ago.  He had pictured for a long time that Louis would be here, texting him from the audience how bored he is; maybe sexting him in public from 30 feet away.  Then Louis would be there after.  Harry would completely ditch everything else to be with Louis for the rest of the day- after finally introducing him to his mom of course. 

Without any hope of spotting his mom, Harry turns his attention on the speaker who had already made it passed the introductory formality bit.  The older man has thick black frames around his eyes, and an extremely gregarious personality.  Harry already likes him.

Samuel MacGuire waves a hand in the air.  "First off, I'll just start by saying it's Sam.  'Samuel' makes me sound ancient and much smarter than I actually am."

Harry and the rest of the audience politely laugh. 

Sam chuckles at his own words before continuing.  "Let me tell you something though.  I am a hell of a lot smarter than I was 20 years ago.  20 years ago, I was playing college football and working my ass off to get recruited into the NFL.

In retrospect, getting there was the easy part.  Getting there was a simple formula of habits.  Practice, eat, sleep, repeat.  Everything great built in history was built off of habits.  Habits of hard work and consistency.  That's why they say Rome wasn't built in a day.  So that's what I want to talk to you about though.  The easy part.  Everyone is so focused on the hard part, but I want all of you paying close attention to how you're dealing with the easiest part of building Rome."

Miguel leans over to Harry.  "Did you bring a pen and paper, or am I going to have to write this down for you?"

Harry nudges him with his shoulder.  "Shut up.  I have an auditory memory."

Miguel rolls his eyes.  "Right.  That's why you bombed your Social Science test after we didn't study together."

"Shh."  Harry gives him a faux snide face.  "You're being rude."

Miguel just laughs. 

Harry can't help but compare Miguel to Louis.  It's probably because Miguel is the only person he's gotten remotely close with since Louis.

In the beginning of their relationship, Louis would have probably been offended by Harry saying something like that to him.  Now though.  Louis would have dismissed it and turned it into a compliment for himself.

Like after the first time they had sex and laid on the floor of his massage room.

_Harry can't stop smiling.  "I think it's adorable that you get embarrassed when talking about sex, yet had no problem verbally raping me into phone sex or fucking me senseless into your workspace."_

_Louis laughs through his nose and elbows Harry.  He turns around to hang an arm over Harry's neck.  "You liked it."_

Then there was the time Louis had accused Harry of being sexually psychotic.

 _Harry nudges Louis' arm and sticks his tongue out.  "Hey, I don't make condescending remarks about your actions in the bedroom."  Harry doesn't want to turn it into a big deal, because it's not; but Harry's always been extra self-aware when it comes to calling Louis out on sensitive topics.  Maybe Harry's picked up a bit of that sensitivity.  Maybe Harry just cares a lot about Louis' opinion of him- no, he_ knows _he cares a lot about Louis' opinion of him._

_"Psh, that's because I'm flawless in bed.  There's nothing to make fun of."  Louis retorts like he actually believes it._

_This makes Harry laugh heartily, an example popping to the forefront of his brain.  "Right.  Except for when you're screaming at me."  He raises his voice an octave to imitate Louis' voice.  "Fuck me harder Harry!  Harder!  Fuck me till I pass out on your expensive, exotic sofa!  AHHH!"  Then really hams it up with a porn-star orgasm face._

_Louis knocks their empty plates off their laps and they fall to the carpet.  Louis struggles to pin Harry down while Harry is still laughing his ass off at the memory.  Louis nuzzles his nose into the crook of his neck.  "You love my screams.  Don't even lie to me."_

"Harry?  You okay?"  Miguel rests a hand on Harry's arm.

Harry instantly reaches a hand up to his wet cheek to wipe away the tears exposing his thoughts.  "Fine."  He mumbles back.

Sam continues on.  "Look at the last months of your lives.  What habits have you created?  What have you worked towards?  Maybe it's been school, maybe it's your careers you have lined up,  _maybe_... you've been doing the minimal effort required to slide by."

He looks to where Harry is sitting.  Harry feels oddly singled out, even though he knows Sam is addressing everyone.  Harry is a hard damn worker and athlete and it's not fair for him to feel guilty.

Except maybe lately. 

It's not that Harry's been lazy per say, but he's definitely let life just happen to him more these last five months than any other time in his life.  He knows he'll get back in control of his life again.  His dream job is around the corner once he sends his resume in. 

He shifts in his metal folding chair.

Sam shakes his head.  "It's important to plan for your future.  But make sure you don't find yourself living there, because really, nothing actually happens in the future.  Everything is now.  What are you doing now?  How is your present going to create your future?" 

Harry swears Sam is looking directly at him.  It makes him sweat, because lately he's felt like he hasn't even really been living in the past, present, or future because of the lack of resolution he has with Louis.  He can't just leave an unresolved past and frolic innocently into his future, it would be against his moral principles. 

Harry believes in cleaning up after himself.

So to avoid personally betraying his morals, Harry simply just hasn't been living.  Not in the past, not in the present, and not in the future either. 

Louis.  Just, Louis was not supposed to be this difficult to let go of.  Harry is perfectly capable of dealing with things and accepting them, except for when it comes to Louis.  He used to think he'd get over Louis eventually, then his would gut churn and his brain simply wouldn't let him accept that. 

That's when Harry started feeling the simmering urge to do something about it.  To find the closure he needs.  It's only increased since he's accepted the fact that closure with Louis would not come unless Harry found him and talked to him.

Harry looks around to see if anyone else is feeling guilty.  Feeling the need to take action and right all the wrongs in the world.  Feeling like Sam is specifically speaking to them.

Sam raises his voice.  "So whatever you want to happen, make it happen  _now_.  Start those habits of what you want  _today_.  Don't wait for Rome to build itself.  Pick up your tools and start building!"

Harry's ears ring with the statement over and over.  He hasn't been  _doing_  anything.  He's been sitting and waiting.  Not making plans and not making memories.  Refusing to be a part of any type of action around him.  Refusing to do something about the unfinished business in his life. 

His fingers feel a little tingly as he pats his pants underneath his graduation gown, searching for his keys.  He doesn't realize he's stood up and started walking until Niall grabs his arm at the end of the aisle.  About half the auditorium is staring at Harry, but he's focused in on Niall who is looking at him with wide eyes and shaking his head.

Harry smiles. 

He smiles like he's just figured out the answers to the universe because he is the one in charge of taking action of his life.  He nods at Niall and strips off his cap and gown as he runs out of the auditorium. 

His heart is beating out of his chest by the time he pushes the doors open to let him outside. 

It's dry and hot, and Harry is going to find Louis. 

He jogs to his motorcycle and fumbles with his keys.  He sends a quick text to Miguel and his mom, apologizing and saying that he has to take care of something urgent.

He shoves his cap and gown into the side bag on his motorcycle, shoves the helmet on over his head, and backs his bike up. 

He revs the engine a few times, then speeds towards California.

~~~

By the time Harry empties what was left in his tank of gas, he's just crossed the border into California.  He pulls into a gas station to fill his bike and take a bathroom break.  He eats a quick lunch, cringing that he's eating fast food, but realizes it's a necessary evil since he is irresponsible and didn't plan for a five hour road trip.  Any food is better than no food.  He's just glad his skin is used to spending so much time in the sun, or he'd be completely sunburned.

He'd already had the thoughts telling him to turn back.  The thoughts convincing him that he's acting impulsively.  The thoughts making him scared of what might happen.

But if there's one thing Harry is good at, it's battling back with logic.  And logically, Harry needs to do this to move on.  He needs to tell Louis all the things he never did out of fear... fear of Louis running off. 

He needs to see Louis say to him- in full sobriety- that he's done with Harry, that he doesn't want him in his life; because Harry isn't convinced that it's true.

He's living his life in the present and taking action.

He calls Miguel to explain what happened, then calls his mom and repeats the conversation.  His mom just ends it with 'I love you and be safe.  I'm proud of you.'

Harry takes a deep breath as his heart pounds out of his chest for the next phone call he has to make.  It could make this really easy, or really problematic for him.  Regardless of the level of difficulty, Harry has already resolved to stay in San Diego until he finds Louis. 

The phone rings once.  "Louis Tomlinson's admin, Kara speaking.  How can I help you?" 

Harry swallows dryly.  "I'm on my way to San Diego.  It's Harry.  C-can you give me an address?  Please?  I don't know where to find him."

Kara pauses a moment before responding.  "Sorry, I believe you have the wrong number."

Harry runs a hand through his hair.  "No, Kara!  Please?  I just need to-"

The line goes dead.

"Fuck!"  Harry wants to throw his phone at the ground. 

He paces around his motorcycle for a minute.  It's okay, he planned for this.  He'll just couch surf until he can get a job and then rent a cheap place.  He'll go into every spa until then.  To find someone who knows him, someone who can give him a phone number- an address... anything-

His phone vibrates.

He stops and squints at the screen.

**Sorry, I'm skyping with Louis. Meet at my house. I get off at 5.**

Harry's heart beats faster as he clicks on the attached address to open it up in his maps app.  An hour and 49 minutes away.  Harry is an hour and 49 minutes away from Louis.  It's a little after 3 pm, so that should put Harry's arrival right around when Kara gets off work.

He inputs the address into his motorcycle's GPS and takes a deep breath before getting back onto the freeway.

~~~

It's 5:03 when Harry pulls into a driveway.  The house is a typical southern California home, xeriscaped front yard, adobe shingles, palm trees to the left and right, and neighborhood full of other nice looking homes.

Honestly, he wasn't expecting a full on house.  He expected maybe an apartment or something.  But Harry doesn't even know that much about Kara.  Except now that she lives here.  In this house. 

Harry trembles as he pulls the helmet off his head.  He double checks the address on his phone, then pulls out the kickstand to park his motorcycle.  His whole body is vibrating as he walks up to the door, and he can't tell if it's from the five hour ride or nerves. 

He's finally here.  In San Diego.  He's going to see Louis again for the first time in five months. 

He might vomit.

Well... maybe.  He doesn't know if Louis is physically behind this door or not.  Kara said she was skyping with Louis.  Maybe he's out of town on another business training.  Fuck, that would be terrible, but at least Harry would be  _here_.

His fist quivers as he knocks and waits.  He can hear movement. 

The door opens, and a tall, attractive girl with long platinum blonde hair, dressed all in black leather tights and tank top with a sleeve of tattoos, is standing there.  "Can I help you?"  She looks Harry up and down, her face going stern.

"I'm here for uh, Kara...?"  Harry racks his brain.  The voice rings a bell.  "Hayden.  Are you Hayden?"

Hayden squints her eyebrows at Harry, looking at his motorcycle, then back at him.  "Sorry.  Who are you?  And how do you know my girlfriend?"

Harry clears his throat.  "I'm one of her friends from Phoenix.  I was in town and she said to stop by... She said she'd be off at five."  Harry pointedly doesn't mention his name in case Hayden happens to know who he is, for fear of her slamming the door in his face.

"She didn't say anything to me.  Sorry, not letting a stranger in."  Hayden slams the door on his face anyway.

Harry laughs. 

He laughs to let out the pent up anxiety because the humor of the situation, really, is funny.  At least he knows he's at the right place. 

He sits on the porch and stares at his phone.  He sends a text to Miguel letting him know he's on Kara's front porch.  Miguel responds with a picture of the girl he'd been recently crushing on, kissing him on the cheek, their graduation caps colliding with each other's.  Harry gives him a thumbs up in return.

It feels like things are falling into place.  Like he's back on track with the universe.  He offers a prayer of gratitude and when he opens his eyes, he sees a Nissan Leaf rounding the corner of the neighborhood.

It rolls closer, and he can see Kara in the driver's seat.  She pulls into the driveway, and waves Harry to meet her in the garage.  Harry hops off the porch and rounds the corner.  The engine of the car shuts off, and the pop of the door echoes as Kara jumps out and runs to hug Harry.

She wraps her arms around Harry and squeezes him tightly.  And okay, Harry didn't think he and Kara were actually  _this_  close, but he's touched nonetheless.  He understands... women can be emotional. 

"Oh my God, Harry.  You're really here.  Holy fuck.  God, Harry-" Kara mumbles into his chest.

Harry gives her a soothing rub on the back, trying to ignore the panic alarms going off in his head.  Not that he actually had any expectations for what it would be like to see Kara again, but this doesn't seem quite right.

"Yeah, I'm here.  I... are you okay?"  Harry cranes his neck downward at the sniffles coming from Kara.  God, he knows women are emotional, but... maybe it's her time of month...?

Kara pulls away to wipe the smudged mascara from her eyes.  "Sorry.  Sorry, you just... you have no idea..." Kara laughs into her hand, "...you have no idea how happy I am to see you."

The door to the house opens.  Hayden stands in the doorway with her arms folded.  "Care to move this inside?"

Kara nods and pulls Harry into her house, shutting the garage door behind them.  Harry sits on the sofa across from Kara and Hayden.

Kara grabs Hayden's hand.  "Sorry love, I didn't know Harry was coming till maybe two hours ago, and I was conferencing till then, so I just- I didn't know how to explain it to you over text, but I-"

Hayden interrupts.  "Harry.  Harry from Phoenix?  Harry with the green eyes, curly hair, motorcycle, and Indian music?"

Kara nods.  "Yes-"

"Harry the polo player, metro college student, healthy chef?  The yoga Sundays, broke his office picture of Zayn while being mouth-fucked, Harry?  Harry Styles who fucked Niall Horan the same day Louis slept with Zayn on his birthday?"  Hayden lifts her eyebrows.

Fuck.  This is not going well. 

What's more concerning is that Hayden knows all this.  Which means Kara knows all this.  Which means Louis told them all this.  Which means he was really drunk or really high.  Maybe it was just from that time on the plane.

Pushing his exposure and embarrassment aside, Harry tries to de-escalate Hayden.  "So I take it you've heard of me?"  He offers her a weak smile.

Hayden stands up.  "Why the fuck are you here?"

"Babe, please sit down."  Kara grabs her hand to pull her back down to the couch.

"I just..."  Harry rolls his eyes, looking up to the ceiling.  It all makes sense in his head, but explaining it to someone else will probably sound utterly ridiculous.  "I need closure.  I need to just..."

Hayden glares at Kara.  "This isn't going to help Louis, and you know it.  Why did you tell him to come?"

"I didn't tell him to come!  He called me and said he was already in California!  What was I supposed to do?"  Kara waves a hand out at Harry.  "Say, 'sorry, good luck knocking doors till you find him'?"

Hayden raises her voice.  "This is going to completely blind side Louis.  He's going to freak out and take it out on you, then end up puking alcohol and ecstasy all over our bathroom all weekend again!"  

Harry's heart hurts terribly.

"Babe,  _please_  calm down.  I didn't know what else to do.  Louis doesn't even know he's here yet.  That's why I had him come to  _our_  house.  So we can figure out what to do... how to help him..."  Kara bites at her bottom lip.

"I take it he hasn't been well then?"  Harry nervously asks.  He knows the answer now, but he's praying he somehow misinterpreted it.

Hayden scoffs and stands up to pace the room.  "Do you even  _know_  Louis?  Absolutely pathetic drunk druggie.  It's a reflection of his pathetic life."

Harry stands up face-to-face with her.  "Listen up, I'm  _sick_  of people talking badly about Louis!  He is amazing.  He's my entire fucking world.  My universe revolves around him, and I won't allow ignorant bitches to stand here and talk shit about him.  If you don't have anything nice to say, I suggest you move your ass upstairs because I'm  _not_  moving mine until I figure out a plan with Kara so we can help Louis."  And fuck, if Harry wasn't sure about his feelings up until now, he's absolutely confirmed to himself that he means every word he just said.

That seems to have put out Hayden's fire.  She purses her lips and blinks a few times before responding.  "Sorry."  She sits down by Kara, and Harry returns to his seat on the sofa again. 

There's an awkward silence for a moment, but Harry takes the time to appreciate Hayden for her very strong personality, and ability to apologize and admit when she's wrong.

Kara pulls bobby pins out from her hair.  "Okay.  So, Louis is in Santa Barbara until tomorrow morning.  I don't really-"

"Santa Barbara?  I thought the manager retreats were in Los Angeles?"  Harry asks.

Hayden chuckles. 

Kara ignores her and responds to Harry.  "Louis is the regional manager now.  He's over every franchised Serenity in Southern California.  He travels two weeks out of the month for trainings and spa inspections.  The rest of the time he's at the office here, delegating a shit ton of paperwork to me while he makes phone calls."

Oh.

"Oh."  Is all Harry can really say.

Kara runs her hands through her hair.  "So, he arrives on Delta in Terminal 2 at 10:34 in the morning.  He normally takes about 12 minutes to disembark the plane, and if he didn't bring any luggage-"

Hayden places a hand on Kara's thigh.  "Babe, Harry doesn't care about all that.  He didn't ask for Louis' itinerary." 

Kara's eyes widen.  "Right.  Um...  So, he lives down the street from us actually... I'll probably drop him off by noon.  He likes me to take his car to the airport..."

"Does he have a new car?  I went to his house... the day after, and um, his car was still in the driveway."  Harry says.

"He hired someone to move him out and drive his car out along with his lizard.  He said something about it being almost nine days since he had fed Gary, so..."  Kara trails off.

"It's a salamander."  Harry reflexively corrects.  "So, should I be at his house when you drop him off from the airport?" 

Kara and Hayden exchange a glance.

"What?"  Harry's stomach drops.

"He normally has a, uh sort of,  _routine_  when he gets home from trips."  Kara says.

"Which is?"  Harry prods.

"He takes like, five ecstasy pills the second he gets in the car with Kara, then by the time he gets home, he's completely out of his brain and doesn't do anything but dance and drink.  We just make sure he has food and water and leave him alone all weekend unless he stumbles into our house- which he normally does- to have company and tell us about every intimate detail of your guys' sex lives."  Hayden purses her lips.

"Fuck, um."  Harry rubs at his forehead.  "This happens every weekend?"

"Every weekend that he gets back from a business trip.  He just drinks on week nights.  He won't ever be high because he thinks he comes off as 'unprofessional'."  Kara uses air quotes.  "Plus, he doesn't ever want to get caught drugs on him when traveling.  But when he's home, it's an 'every-three-days' type thing to keep his mood up since he keeps it at his house."

"So he's technically sober right now?  Like from drugs..."  Harry's heart is doing back flips.  He's really here, and he's really doing this.  Louis needs some serious help, and he thinks it's a good time to fix the problem.  They're in a good position for this.  They can do this.

"Yeah.  And he did a back-to-back this last time, so it's been two weeks."  Kara sighs.  "He actually- at the end of our Skype conference when it was just us- mentioned that he might not buy a new bag for a while.  He said he wanted to like, give his brain a break."

"That's good then!  That's really good."  Harry smiles.  "This is perfect timing for things then."

Kara chews on the inside of her lip.  "I mean, yes.  But, Harry, Louis is... he's changed a bit.  Like, I think he's lost his mind a little, you know?  I've looked up the long term effects of ecstasy, and it's not good.  I just... I don't know how much he's changed because of the drugs, or if it's the break-up, or what.  I honestly don't really know who he is anymore."

Harry feels nauseous.  "What do you mean?" 

This has always been a fear in the back of his mind.  It would be a lie to say Harry hasn't ever questioned the result of Louis' sanity being due to drugs.  A few recreationally here and there are said to never really hurt anyone long term according to what Harry's heard from other people.  But Louis had said there was an entire  _year_  where he was using them on an almost daily basis.  And now add another five months to that...

"Like, he just seems really, really void.  And lost.  Like I said, I don't know why exactly.  He could just feel empty inside from what happened between you two."  Kara says.

"He like..."  Harry doesn't know how to ask this.  "He's still normal, right?" 

Kara nods furiously.  "Yeah.  Yeah, he's normal.  Like, most people honestly think he's like completely normal.  I just know because I know him deeper than that... and I know you do too, so I just thought I should warn you."

"Right."  Harry nods.  It's a huge relief to hear, but it still wrenches Harry's gut to hear that Louis has been in such a state for so long.  "Okay.  So tomorrow, I can just be there when you get home with him?  And I'll take care of it from there?"

Kara's eyes fill with water and she nods.  "Yeah.  Sorry."  She waves a hand to dry out her eyes.  Hayden puts an arm around her shoulder.  "I just really love Louis too, you know?  It's been so hard to see him like this."

Harry's emotions surface up and fight to break through, but he doesn't let them.  He nods with a shaky exhale.  "Yeah.  Let's all get some sleep then.  Everything will work out just fine."  He offers a smile to the both of them.

Kara smiles back.  "Yeah.  It will."

~~~

 


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Do you guys want a double or triple update this weekend? :D Here's how you make it happen:

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~~~

If he's being honest, he thought Kara was kidding when she said this was Louis' house.

Harry decides to not feel bad about doing a little snooping. After all, he wants to know what to prepare himself for.

Aside from the hundreds of tell-tale empty water bottles scattered across the counters and over filling the bag-less garbage cans, the one-story house looks almost completely uninhabited.

The kitchen doesn't have a bar or a table, so Harry assumes that Louis probably just eats on the couch... if he eats here at all. Which, judging by the contents of the refrigerator, he doesn't do often. The fridge holds an assortment of tequila, beer, and rum, and there are several take out boxes dated a month back that smell completely foul. One of the Styrofoam boxes just has a couple question marks written on the lid, and the sharpie still sits on top of it. There is a total of two pots in all the cabinets.

There is one couch in the whole house alongside the coffee table in the living room. The television sits on top of three unopened brown boxes that have Louis' writing across the side in the serrated texture of the sides. The bottom box is labeled 'stuff', the middle box is labeled 'things', and the top box is labeled 'useless shit'. Then one smaller box sits on the floor that's been opened and there's a small pile of movies over flowing from it.

The bathroom is a mess and there are several layers of grime on everything porcelain and tile. There's empty tubes of toothpaste that have been squeezed from the middle and toothpaste smeared all across the mirror in almost-closed circle shapes. The garbage can is full of used condoms, and a vibrator Harry recognizes too well sits in the sink.

Louis' room is what catches Harry off guard the most.

The first thing he sees is something different than the barren white walls that cover the rest of the house. On all four walls, there are more of the almost-closed circles that he recognizes from the bathroom mirror, drawn across the expanse of the walls. They're all drawn in red, and Harry talks himself into believing that Louis probably just felt artsy a while back and painted them all on with a bucket of paint from Home Depot.

Then he realizes just how much wall there is, and it's due to the complete lack of furniture in his room. There is a twin mattress in the corner of the floor with a simple sheet and duvet that are both unmade. Gary's aquarium sits on the floor where Louis' nightstand would normally go, and Gary's food lays uncapped in front of the tank alongside an empty bag with a red film coating it. Gary surfaces up to the top, looking a light peach color, and seems to inspect Harry from his water habitat. Harry offers him a sad smile.

There's a dozen boxes that surround the rest of the room like a fortress almost. The only opened ones are at the foot of his bed and contain his work clothes that make a mirror image of what Mount Shasta would look like built out of crumbled clothing.

Harry assumes the rest of the boxes are probably in the garage. Even though there is a spare room and an additional living room by the entryway, they remain completely free of boxes, litter, or signs of life.

It's noon now and Harry is sitting on Louis' couch since there isn't anywhere else in the house to sit.

Harry feels more nervous right now than probably any other time in his entire life. More than any team tryouts. More than any polo game. More than any final he's had to take in school.

There was one time in India when Harry was lost. It was only his second week traveling, and he had barely started to pick up some basic words in Indian. He had gotten completely robbed and was left in a third world country by himself without a phone, money, food, or any means to communicate with anyone. He didn't eat for two days and got sick from drinking the water without any kind of filter. There were moments he thought he would die there.

But sitting here, waiting for Louis and Kara to arrive is more nerve-wracking than any of that.

He had finally hitchhiked to another town and found the church there that helped him get on his feet again. Things were all uphill and fantastic experiences from there on out.

Harry just hopes this situation will end up similar to how things turned out in India.

His stomach folds in half when he hears the garage door open. He instantly stands up to start pacing back and forth. He hears muffled talking and car doors shut. Then the garage closes and the door is pushed open.

Louis walks through first, looking like the ghost of the Louis Tomlinson that Harry loves. He's lost a significant amount of weight that shows in the lackluster dullness of his hair that's quiffed off his gaunt face, showing off skin that clings to his sharp bone structure and emphasizing deep purple bags under his eyes that he's tried to cover with make-up. His shirt looks two sizes too big.

Harry's heart turns inside out and completely stops when Louis notices him. Louis' demeanor warms up like he's just jumped back in time to December when they were together. He smiles reminiscently as he looks at Harry.

Harry has no idea what to say or do, but he opens his mouth to say something.

Instead, Louis drops his bag on the floor and kicks it to the side, then turns around to Kara and addresses her.

"I thought you didn't bring me any ex at the airport?" Louis' voice sounds completely hollow.

Kara's eyes are wide as she looks from Harry to Louis. "I didn't. You're out, remember?"

Louis laughs and it sounds more like a recording of someone laughing from far away. "Then I've finally destroyed my concept of reality. This is fantastic. I'm hallucinating without even being on anything."

Louis paces up to the kitchen and Kara and Harry stand in the living room watching him.

"You can go now dear. I'm just going to get very drunk because it's been at least three days since my last Harry hallucination, and I really didn't want to be bombarded with more of him my first day back in two weeks. I'll lock myself in tonight so I don't bug you and Hay." Louis opens up the refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of rum.

"Louis, Harry's not a-" Kara starts, but Harry places a hand on Kara's shoulder and shakes his head. Kara looks up at him, then back to Louis. "I'll be down the street then if you need anything."

Harry offers her a tight smile and Louis waves to her with the bottle to his lips.

The door shuts behind Kara and Louis looks directly at Harry that it makes him feel like he's been pierced with shrapnel. "What are you here for this time then? Hmm?"

Harry feels a little like he's been placed into a game stimulator and there's pixelated characters talking to him like he's actually a part of the game. He takes a few steps towards Louis. "I um, I'm here for you Louis. I wanted to- to come find you and..."

Originally, it was to resolve things so that Harry could move on. But now all Harry can think is that he desperately needs to help Louis. The Louis that he loves dearly. His Louis.

"Congratulations Harold, you found me like you always do. Can we get this over with quickly this time please? I'd like to be alone tonight. It's my first official night sober of ex and I'm trying to celebrate." Louis wiggles the bottle of rum in front of him to show to Harry.

"Louis, I'm here. Like, I'm  _here_  here. I don't just want to like talk... I mean, I do- God, I do- but I don't think you think I'm here yet..." Harry trails off unsurely, feeling like he's still talking to a character that can't actually acknowledge his existence.

"Harry, you  _always_  want to talk! And I always let you! And then I talk. You even told me I was getting better at talking last time we chatted. Then I asked you not to stalk me while I was on business trips, and you do anyway." Louis flits his hand in the air and takes another drink. "Just leave me to my own devices. I promise I won't hurt myself if you leave."

"You should probably stop drinking Lou..." Harry doesn't even have to ask to know that he hasn't had anything substantial to eat.

"You always say the same things Hazza. You think I don't know you by now? I do. I know you. At least I know who you are with me. I don't know who the fuck you are with other people. But you're so predictable when you're with me." Louis puts the cap back on the rum and switches the bottle out for tequila. "Next, you're going to tell me not to mix my alcohols! And then I get too drunk with Niall!" He announces in a sing-song voice.

Harry paces towards him and grabs the bottle from him. "Look at me Louis."

Louis tilts his head up slightly to make eye contact with him, and it feels like almost no time has passed at all. Harry wants to fiercely hug and comfort Louis until they fall asleep together. He wants to wake Louis up with kisses and soft whispers in his ear about how much he loves him.

But he can't do that yet. He first has to figure out what the hell is going on. "What do I normally say to you? What do you say to me?"

Louis shrugs and reaches up to touch Harry's curls. "Depends on the day curly face. Some days we don't talk at all. Sometimes you're just here. Other times we just fuck." Louis bats his pretty eyelashes.

Harry blinks. He blinks several times because, what? "Sorry? We have sex?"

"No, we talk long walks on the beach and you sing Shakespeare to me." Louis rolls his eyes. "Yes of course we have sex. Lots of it. And I thought  _I_ was the one out of my mind." He scoffs.

Harry tries to connect dots- make sense of anything really. "So like, you go clubbing- er, raving or whatever- and find people like me, then come home and have sex with them- well, me?"

Louis probably just  _thinks_  he's been having a lot of sex with Harry.

"No you idiot. I never leave my house unless I'm going to the grocery store." Louis grabs the bottle back from Harry and defiantly takes another swig of alcohol. "Aside from Zayn, I've only been with you since we met, remember? Then you had me get checked at the doctor because you got sick of fucking me with a condom on and I came back clear. It's only been you."

"When's the last time we, er- had sex?" Harry furrows his eyebrows. "Do you even know what day it is?"

"May sixth. Last time we had sex was April 21st before I left on my business trip." Louis lifts himself up on the counter and swings his legs back and forth and cocks his head. "Any more questions  _Mr. Styles_?"

Fuck, this is a lot. Like, a  _lot_. Harry doesn't even know what he should be doing right now. He should have gone into psychology. Then maybe he'd know what to do when his 26 year old ex-lover is talking to him like he's an actual tactile hallucination of his reality.

"Would you like... would you believe me if I said I was real?" Harry asks.

Louis lies back on the counter and holds the alcohol to his chest. "Ha! Like I haven't heard that one before. Even my brain can't be original forever." He finishes off whatever is left in the bottle, then tosses it into the sink above his head.

"I've said that to you before?" Harry steps forward to place a hand on Louis'.

"You say it to me like, every time. Then I'm like, 'I'll only believe it if you touch me and tell me you love me.' Then you're like, 'Then let me love you.' And then we have fantastic sex. It's great." Louis crosses his legs at the knees and bounces one of his knees up and down.

Harry holds a hand on Louis' leg to still him. "Louis, you're not high. I don't even think you're hardly even tipsy yet. You're not hallucinating."

"Yeah." Louis smirks at him. "And Gary can walk."

Harry honestly never knew what he was doing half the time with Louis when they were 'together' and now he's even more in the dark. He supposes he'll just go with his instincts like he always has with Louis.

So, he jumps onto the counter and lays on top of Louis. The coldness of Louis' skin stings Harry.

Louis grunts out at the pressure and reflexively wraps his arms around the small of Harry's back. "God, I feel like I haven't smelled you in forever. You don't smell like chlorine though. Just raspberries."

"I normally smell like chlorine?" Harry squints, temporarily distracted.

"Psh. How do you not smell yourself? It's like a giant herd of raspberries went swimming in a pool for a day, then squished themselves all over your body. That's what you smell like." Louis states.

This is news to Harry- also very odd- but he supposes it makes sense. He was spending seven days a week in a pool from the end of August through December. Then considering he uses raspberry cream shampoo, he can see how Louis would make the connection.

Back to the situation at hand, Harry decides to stroke down the side of Louis' cheek. "Can you feel me?"

Louis nods and leans into Harry's hand.

"Is this what it's always like? You can feel me this clearly? See me, hear me and smell me?" Harry's hand trembles as it traces over the lifeless dips of Louis' face that didn't used to be there.

Louis nods again. "Except the smelling thing. I've never smelled you till today. And you're warm. You're really warm Hazza."

"What else is different? Or is everything else the same?" Harry thumbs at the bottom of Louis' chin. Now that he's started touching Louis again, he doesn't think he ever wants to stop.

Louis opens his mouth to try and suck on Harry's finger, but Harry eliminates that option and runs his hands through Louis' hair instead. For now, he'd like to stick to talking. Definitely until Louis is lucid again.

Louis sticks his lips out to pout, but responds all the same. "Mostly the same. But I feel less floaty, and- and my heart is beating a little faster than normal... It feels more alive. And you smell so good." Louis presses Harry's head down next to his and pets his curls. "So warm."

"Do you like me being here?" Harry whispers.

"Yeah. You don't yell at me like my dad does." Louis whispers back.

"Who else do you see?" Harry asks.

"Just you and my dad. I used to see Zayn, but I don't anymore." Louis sighs.

Zayn's name rips Harry out of the moment and he remembers the questions and the confusion from when Louis left. "Why did you lie to me?"

"I didn't. I only see you and my dad now." Louis repeats.

Harry pulls back and looks at Louis. "No, I meant about Zayn. You let me believe you wanted to be with Zayn instead of me."

"I didn't lie. I withheld truths." Louis says.

Harry sighs. Sure, he'll go with that for the sake of not turning this into an argument over ethics. "Why did you withhold truths from me?" Actually, even more specific. "Why did you end things with me?"

"Why do you think Harold?" Louis muses.

Way back when, Harry found it incredibly endearing when Louis started figuring out how to dismiss questions with questions, but it's definitely not going to work in this situation.

Even though he has many of his own theories, and heard Zayn's, he'd like to hear why from the mouth of Louis. "I don't know Lewis. That's why I'm asking you to tell me."

"Don't call me Lewis, Harold." Louis catches Harry off guard and licks the tip of his nose. "I don't deserve nice things. Nobody wants to be with me unless I lie to them about who I am."

"But you didn't lie to me about who you were. You told me everything about you." Harry rests his chin on Louis' chest.

"Zayn didn't want to be with a virgin, so I lied to him." Louis looks above his head.

Harry thinks Louis is probably not used to having a normal conversation and that it goes whatever direction his brain tells it to go. Which, he supposes makes sense because Louis' mostly been talking to himself lately.

On the upside, it gives Harry insights to Louis' brain, on the downside, it's difficult to talk to him.

"You've told me that." Harry gently reminds Louis.

"But I didn't tell Zayn. I didn't tell Zayn until he asked me. He asked me right before we had sex." Louis closes his eyes.

Harry  _really_  doesn't want to talk about it. But he really does. This is part resolving things. It would be cheating if he let himself see things from an altered perspective and never fully accepted what happened for the raw reasons that they did.

"So..." He really doesn't even know what to ask. "How did that make you feel?"

Sure, that sounds good. Hopefully it leads them to a constructive conversation. Harry really doesn't know how Louis feels about the whole situation in the first place.

"I mean, anytime I'm with Zayn, I always feel like, subservient, I guess is the best word I can think of right now. 'Cause like, Zayn is my mentor you know? I've always just looked up to him. Nothing I could ever be as good as he does it." Louis says.

"So did he ask you to have sex then? And you felt like you couldn't tell him no?" Harry asks, trying to sort it out in his brain.

"He didn't ask. I mean he  _did_ , but he didn't outright ask, you know?" Louis opens his eyes and waits for Harry to nod to continue. "So then it was like, I don't even know how to act around Zayn other than wanting to just please him all the time anyway. And like I thought I still loved him and I  _do_ , but I  _don't_ , you know? So then we had sex because like it's what started our relationship really in the first place and it's what we do best with each other. But that doesn't really matter because sex is the only thing I do best with people anyway. I'm fucking shit at anything other than a sexual relationship with someone."

"That's not true Louis. Our relationship was more than just sexual. And... I know you had more than just a sexual relationship with Zayn." Harry bites his tongue before continuing on through the thing he doesn't want to have to say. "And I know Zayn loves you. Like, he really does. And I really do. It's more than sexual. You're more than just a body to me, and to him too."

Since that night at the bar with Zayn, Harry's looked at the whole situation a lot differently. He finally saw a peek into how Zayn felt about his relationship with Louis. And though Harry would still beat the shit out of him again in a heartbeat, he also has sympathy for Zayn, because in Zayn's perception, Louis left  _him_.

He was glad to realize that Zayn really did (or does) love Louis, but was conflicted because Harry obviously feels the same feelings towards him.

"No." Louis says emotionless. "Zayn loved who he thought I was. When we had sex in Serenity, he was having sex with who I used to be, not who I am now. That's why I told him to fuck off. I'm a different person now, and won't ever be that person again. Honestly, I wouldn't know how to have a relationship with Zayn how I am now. We would just revert- and I would be someone other than me... I'd just be who I thought he wanted me to be."

Okay. That makes sense, and if it means Louis doesn't want to be with Zayn, all the better for Harry.

"So you know I love you, right?" Harry says with his heart in his throat because it feels like the first time he's ever said it to Louis. "It's more than sexual. It always has been."

"You loved me as a friend, then I fucked it up by turning it sexual. And you already knew everything about me, so then I realized you wouldn't want to be with me after I had sex with Zayn because you have no reason to want me. Which means I had to come up with a lie to make you want to stay with me, or wait for you to be done with me. So I broke up with you before you broke up with me because I'm sick of lying. You don't want me anyway and you deserve someone a lot better. I don't deserve anything other than to be miserable and alone. I work better that way. I make great advances in my career when I'm alone." Louis says.

Well, there is the answer to Harry's original question.

Harry takes a moment to really appreciate Louis. Though Louis might think he's terrible at communication, he's actually really fantastic... he just has a unique way of doing so. Where Harry prefers to be direct and to the point, he's found that Louis tends to struggle with that. Instead, Louis has to take it step by step in his brain to find the conclusion.

In the end, it's just as, or more effective than the way Harry communicates because Louis' explanations end up being more authentic and detailed than Harry's.

Harry wonders if Louis realizes how smart and brilliant he really is.

He wants to reiterate a point though. "But you know even through all of that, I still love you, right?"

It's almost surreal to be saying it again because for a while Harry tried talking himself out of the fact that he still loved Louis. There was no way he could still hold such strong feelings for him.

But he's found that's exactly why he had to come here. Resolving his feelings was just realizing that he is still deeply in love with Louis. Realizing that Louis is more precious to him than anyone else in his life.

"You don't love me. You love who you wish I could be. Just like Liam..." Louis squints his eyes. "Minus the sexual part of our relationship." He motions between them.

"Don't you understand Louis?" Harry sits up to straddle Louis and makes sure not to hit his head on the cabinets. "I love who you were when I met you, I love who you were when we were best friends, I love who you were when we were having sex, I loved you even when I wasn't  _with_  you, I love you now, and I love whoever or whatever you decide to become after this. My love isn't conditional on truths or lies or reciprocation or not. It's always there for you no matter what happens." Harry places both hands over Louis' heart.

Louis' eyes flick back and forth between Harry's.

"Make love to me please?" Louis clasps his hands over top of Harry's on his heart.

"No Louis. Not tonight." Harry bites at his bottom lip. "I need you to believe I'm here for you. I need you to believe I'm real and that I love you." Harry pushes a curl off his face so he can look at Louis clearer.

"Then I believe you." Louis says. "I believe you. And to fully believe that you love me, I need you to make love to me."

Harry tries not to roll his eyes. Obviously the Harry in Louis' head is a lot more of a pushover than he is in real life.

"I said not tonight Louis. That's a ways off. We're not having sex until we get you to a better place." Harry says.

Louis runs his hands up Harry's thighs towards his crotch. "Where would be a better place then, hmm? Maybe you want me on the floor? Or do you want me on the couch?"

Harry gently places Louis' hands back on his chest and then removes himself from Louis and slides off the counter. "I'd like to cuddle you in your bed till we fall asleep if you're okay with that."

Louis quickly starts to sit up, and Harry grabs his head before he can bang it on the corner of the cupboard. "Shit! Careful love."

Louis leans into Harry's chest. "You saved me."

Harry kisses the top of his head and exhales. "I'm trying to if you'll let me."

Louis sighs contentedly into Harry's chest.

~~~

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

A/N: 7 votes so far!! Thank you and whoot whoot!! 3 more and I'll do another chapter upload :D

Please re-read the warnings in the story summary.

Dedicated to saxophone for her comment <3           

~~~

                  

Harry wakes up to a sharp pain in his stomach. 

"Ouch!"  Harry bolts up and wraps his arms around his stomach as another blow is delivered to his groin.  "Damn it!"

" _Get the fuck out!_   I told you to leave me last night!  You can't stay here forever!  I won't let you take over my mind!  _Get out!_ "  Louis screams as he continues to hit Harry.

Harry throws Louis' arms off of him and pins him down to the bed.  This is definitely a closer reaction to what he had in mind when he showed up unannounced in Louis' house.  "I don't know in _which_ world you think hitting me is okay, but it's _not_ in this one."

Louis thrashes under him.  "Let me go!"

"Not if you're going to hit me again."  Harry tries not to think about how much thinner Louis' wrists are in his hands, even through the blazer that Louis fell asleep in.

"No!  Get off me!"  Louis squeezes his eyes shut and bangs his head back onto the pillow.  " _Get out of my head!_ "

"Louis, _stop_!  I'm not in your head.  I'm here.  I'm real."  Harry tries to keep his voice put together, but it's morning and he woke up to being assaulted.  "Open your eyes Louis.  Look at me."

Louis opens his eyes and glares at Harry.  "Get _off_ me!"

Harry is running out of options.  He's also running out of any kind of constructive ideas.  "Are you going to hit me if I let you go?"

Louis silently tries to kill Harry with a scowl.  "No."

Harry loosens his grip and sits to the side of Louis.  Louis scampers off the bed to stand up and give Harry a dark look. 

Harry pats the mattress.  "Why don't you come down here so we can talk?"

Harry sees the look of flight in Louis' eyes, but there's a shade of fight in there, so he doesn't want to grab him.

Plus, pinning Louis down twice within an hour probably would not be good for Louis' perception of control over his life.  There's a time and a place for it, but Harry definitely doesn't want to overdo it.  Ultimately, he wants Louis to stay because he wants to... not because Harry is physically forcing him to.

But then the fight drains out like the color of Louis' face and Louis bolts out of the room before Harry could do anything about it even if he wanted to.  There's a loud slam, then fiddling with the lock, from the bathroom door.

Harry presses his forefingers to his temples.  He has to muster every ounce of patience he owns for this. 

He drags himself across the hall to the bathroom and sits against the door.  He figures he'll start out by waiting for a couple minutes to see what Louis wants to do.  If nothing happens... well, he'll think of something when he gets there.

"You fucking _bitch_!  Why did you lie to me?"  Louis yells from inside the bathroom.

Harry's on his feet again in two seconds, ready to break down the door.

" _Yes Kara_.  You _did_.  Do you think I'm a fucking idiot?"  Louis apparently says to Kara.

Okay, so he's not speaking aggressively to his reflection.  Harry feels horrible for Kara in all honesty, but at least Louis is sane.

" _Yes I am!_ Harry wouldn't still be here if I was sober- he's always gone by morning.  Did you put ecstasy in my drink when I wasn't looking?  Why can't you respect that I was trying to leave it alone for a while?"  Louis rages.

Harry thinks this is a good sign.  He thinks maybe this means that Louis is more mentally aware of his physical presence.

"Don't fucking lie to me!"  And then there's the noise of something hitting the bathtub. 

Harry can't tell if Louis threw his phone or something else in the bathroom, but it's silent after that.  Harry sits and waits.  His phone vibrates in his pocket and he has a text from Kara.

**Is he okay?? Where is he? Are you with him? Do we need to come over?**

Harry sighs.

**Locked himself in the bathroom. I think he's a lot more coherent than he was last night. I got it covered. So sorry he talks to you like that.**

Harry pockets his phone again, leaning his head against the door, and hears movement from inside the bathroom, then a sharp intake of breath from Louis.

"Louis?  Are you okay?"  Harry tries.

"Fucking _God_ , haven't I suffered enough?"  His voice cracks and there's another intake of breath.

"Why?  When can the suffering fucking end?  Are you trying to tell me that nirvana is bullshit?  You _trying_ to prove to me that you're the Supreme Being here?  Well then guess what, I fucking _hate_ you more than I hate myself.  Why can't you just leave me be?"  Louis sobs.

Harry's heart feels like it's being pulled from his chest, so he finally speaks up.  "Louis, it's okay.  You don't have to let yourself suffer anymore.  It's okay."  Harry runs his hands through his hair.

"No it's _not_ okay!  The suffering never ends.  Buddha is bullshit and God is bullshit!  Neither of them have been there for me and all they do is make me hate myself more.  All there is-" Louis cries, "-is suffering." 

"Louis, there is happiness too.  There's happiness all around you... You just have to accept it.  You have to let yourself be happy."  Harry wipes away the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. 

"I have to suffer more before I get to be happy!  Isn't that right?"  The sound that happens next, Harry assumes to be Louis kicking and breaking one of his cabinet drawers.  "I don't _want_ to suffer anymore!  I don't even want to be happy anymore!  I just- I just want to be dead."

"Louis, _please_ don't hurt yourself."  Harry's voice cracks and tears stream down his face.  He clenches his hands into fists.  "Just hold on."

"I don't deserve to live.  All I do is bring people down.  I hate myself so much."  There's muffled crying for a minute before Louis speaks up again.  "The only reason I never tried before is because I honestly believed that there would be happiness at the end of all of it, you know?  I thought Harry was my happiness.  I thought Harry was my nirvana." 

Harry can barely hear the tail end of it because Louis is crying so hard. 

All Harry can think about is at what point he should consider calling an ambulance.  Louis said the words, but he's just been talking and crying since.  But Harry doesn't even know what weapons Louis might have at his disposal to hurt himself with.  He doesn't want to startle him by barging in and cause something to happen that wouldn't have if he'd been calm about the situation.

Harry stands up and talks into the crack of the door.  "Louis, can you tell me what you're doing right now please?"

"Hating myself."  Louis says pitifully.

Harry wipes the rest of the tears from his eyes.  "Are you holding anything?"

"A razor."  Louis says with a hiss.

Harry closes his eyes.  "Will you put the razor down please?"

"No."  Louis says, and then there's another hiss.

Harry places a hand on the door.  "Louis if you don't unlock the door, I'm going to have to call an ambulance."

It's so silent that Harry could hear a feather drop.

"Only if you stay on that side of the door."  Louis says.

Harry nods.  "Yeah.  I promise.  I'll stay right here."

There's shuffling and then the click of the door unlocking. 

Harry has to fight every fiber in his body from charging through the door, but he's walking a fine line between Louis' trust and his personal safety.

"Are you going to continue hurting yourself?"  Harry asks.

"Yes."  Then another sound of pain.

"If you don't put the razor down, I'm going to come in."  Harry says gently.

There's a light clink against tile, then Harry feels the door give to a new weight from the other side.  "No, no, no, no!  No!  I won't.  It's in the tub, I swear.  Don't come in."

"Okay, okay.  I won't.  I'm still out here.  Thank you for putting it down.  Do you, um..."  Harry is still flying completely blind here.  "How are you feeling?  What are you thinking about?"  It seems like a good question to find out where Louis' at mentally.

Louis is silent, so Harry slides down to the floor again with his back against the door.

He's silent for about 15 minutes, but Harry can still hear the occasional shift of his weight and his breathing through the thin wood. 

The silence is comforting because this is a form of Louis that Harry recognizes.  Louis seems to have either started to, or completely come down off of whatever mental state he was in this morning.

"Harry?"  Louis says his name like a prayer.

"Yes love?"  Harry says softly.

"Are you sitting on the other side of my bathroom door?"  Red fingertips poke under the crack between the floor and the carpet.

Harry lets his fingertips graze against Louis' icy red ones.  "Yeah I am."

"You were here yesterday too.  That's why you were warm."  Louis wiggles his fingertips against Harry's experimentally.

"Yes.  I've been here since you got back from the airport."  Harry isn't sure where Louis is going with this mentally, or if he's simply just trying to get a grasp on reality again.

It's silent again for a couple of minutes, but their fingertips maintain contact.

"We said lots of things yesterday."  Louis states.

"Yes we did."  Harry says.

Louis retracts his fingers into the bathroom again.

Harry bites his lip.

"Will you open the door please?"  He asks.

"You'll hate me."  Louis says back.

"No I won't darling.  I'll love you no matter what.  I meant what I said yesterday."  Harry says.

The weight of the door tells Harry that Louis isn't leaning against it anymore.  Then there's the rattling of the handle, and Harry is on his feet so quickly that he makes himself lightheaded. 

But then the door opens and Louis stands in front of him shirtless with crimson blood covering his now pallid skin from his wrists to his elbows.  Louis' gaunt wrists were only a reflection of the frail state of his body.  He looks like he hasn't eaten in months. 

The blue in Louis' eyes are a dulled grey now.  Louis looks icily at him- _really_ looks at him this time- and Harry feels completely floored. 

"You love me like this Harry?  Nobody can love me like this."  Louis' eyes harden at Harry's tear-filled ones.

Harry whispers through the fresh round of tears streaming down his face.  "What have you done to yourself baby?"   He pulls Louis against his chest, and Louis doesn't fight it.  " _I_ love you like this." 

Harry pets the back of Louis' hair and holds Louis close to his heart with a hand between his cold, protruding shoulder blades. 

Louis doesn't make any movement in Harry's arms.  Harry blinks away wetness to try and clear out his eyes.  He surveys the bathroom over Louis' shoulder, and there's red smeared across every surface.  The white wall now displays a new almost-circle design in red that are also on the mirror in toothpaste as well as Louis' bedroom in red.

Harry pulls away and looks at Louis.  Louis looks at the floor.  "Louis?  Will you let me help you please?"

"I'm past any kind of help.  Thank you for showing your support though.  You can leave a donation on your way out."  Louis says void of life.

Harry _hates_ the way that looks on Louis.  Louis is supposed to be full of fire and passion and emotions.  Louis deserves to feel loved and excited and happy.  Louis is so much more than what Harry sees standing in front of him.

He rubs his hands down Louis' shoulders and speaks a little firmer.  "Sorry, let me rephrase." 

This catches Louis' attention, and Louis' eyes dart to meet Harry's. 

Harry clears his throat then raises his eyebrows.  "I'm not leaving you.  I don't deem you fit or healthy in any aspect enough to leave you alone for any length of time.  If you have a problem with that, I would be happy to drive you to a rehabilitation center until you can get your shit together.  You have a choice Louis... You can cooperate with me, or you can cooperate with a rehab center."

Louis' face hardens.  "You can't come into my life and promote yourself to the tyrant of totalitarianism reign over me."

"I'm not.  I'm promoting myself to dictator of totalitarianism reign over you.  So you can either cooperate or be difficult about it."  Harry tries to lighten his voice.

"It's the same thing and you can't be either."  Louis says.

Harry decides against correcting Louis' political inaccuracies.  "I love you Louis.  Would you like to accompany me to the grocery store?"

Louis squints his eyes at Harry, trying to process what he just said. 

Harry likes to jump topics with Louis sometimes because there's a rut that he knows they're going to reach, so he'd rather skip over all that and yank Louis from his train of thought and make him have to think differently.

"No.  I don't go anywhere for days after I get back from trips."  Louis pushes back his falling quiff from yesterday.

"Well you're going to the grocery store with me.  I only asked to be considerate.  Would you like to walk beside me, or have me carry you over my shoulder and throw you in the trunk?"  Harry threatens.

Not that Harry would ever throw Louis in the trunk in a million years, but he's making a point.  The main one being that Harry can't even think straight when he hasn't the slightest clue when Louis' had his last meal.  Louis looks like he's moments away from falling over and dying at Harry's feet, and Harry just really can't function like this.  Not to mention he personally hasn't eaten since breakfast yesterday.

Louis silently side steps Harry and walks over to put on his shoes. 

So he's being difficultly cooperative.  Harry will take it.

Harry walks into Louis' room to grab him a long sleeved shirt to cover his bloody arms for the time being.  He has a feeling it's not the first time Louis' left blood on his arms and gone into public.

He tosses the wrinkled shirt to Louis.  It used to be one of Harry's favorites on him, but now it looks ill-fitting and sloppy.  The creased hem falls lamely against the suit pants that Louis wore to bed last night.

Harry toes his shoes on and Louis holds the keys out for Harry.  Harry finds this interesting, but doesn't take the time to analyze it. 

Louis follows him to the car and opens the garage.  When Harry gets in the driver's side, he's momentarily blinded by a blue glare in his eyes.  He searches for the source and finds it hanging from Louis' rear view mirror. 

It's the stained glass heart Harry got Louis for his birthday.

Harry chooses not to comment on this, even though Louis looks very much like he would like him to.  Harry really can't focus on anything but getting food in Louis right now. 

One step at a time. 

Louis gives him directions, and when they arrive at the store it's like a scary déjà vu of what they used to do every weekend with each other.  Only this time, Harry goes through the store as fast as he possibly can, grabbing things that will be easy for him to make, and essentials that he knows (or assumes) Louis doesn't have.

They get back to Louis' house in record time, and Harry immediately sets Louis on the counter with a plate of cut up red peppers.

Louis looks at them skeptically before giving in and putting one in his mouth.  Harry tries not to make a big deal out of it by staring, but it honestly looks as if Louis' forgotten how to masticate food. 

There were no skillets to be found, so Harry throws the two fish fillets in a pot to cook them.  There isn't a spatula either, so Harry settles for plastic forks to flip the fish.  He's trying to not overthink anything, and just concentrate on the task at hand.

Louis breaks Harry from his thoughts and he looks over at Louis who set the plate of half eaten peppers next to him.

"I'm full."  Louis says.

"Can you please eat like, three more slices?"  Harry asks.

"Do you want me to eat your fish, or not?"  Louis threatens.

"I want you to eat both."  Harry says.

"Just the peppers would normally would be my meal for an entire day."  Louis says.

Harry huffs out.  He knows he can't overload Louis' body with food and nutrients as desperately as he wishes he could.  He'd rather have Louis eat well-rounded than just getting full off of one single nutrient source.

"Fine.  How much of the fish do you think you can eat?"  Harry moves the cooked fillets onto paper plates.

Louis shrugs.  "I'll eat till I'm full.  Why don't you put the rest of the groceries in the fridge?"

"Because I'm cleaning your fridge before any of my food goes in there."  Harry sets the paper plate on Louis' lap and shuffles through the grocery bags to find the box of plastic cutlery he had just opened.  "Where are your plates and utensils and glasses anyway?"

"Packed in the garage.  I've never needed them, so I never unpacked them."  Louis takes the plastic utensils from Harry and cuts up his fish.

Right.

Harry eats his fish and the rest of Louis' peppers.  By the time he's finished, Louis has castoff over half of the fillet to the side of him.

Harry decides not to push him any more on the food right now, so resigns himself to finishing that off too.  Once their plates are empty, Harry hands Louis a Gatorade and throws the discarded items in the trash bags he just bought.

He runs upstairs to grab his phone and shoot a text to Kara letting her know things were going well, then brings it downstairs to have some music playing while he cleans the fridge.

"Did you want to hook that up to my speaker?"  Louis offers, using the toe of his foot to open and close one of the cabinet drawers.

"You brought your home theatre system with you?"  Harry looks to the barren living room.

"No, that's in the garage.  But I have my Bluetooth speaker."  Louis says.

"Sure."  Harry pulls up Lana Del Ray because honestly, it's one of those days.

Louis returns with a speaker and Harry connects his phone and starts the playlist.  Harry takes his shirt off because he's going to need to put some elbow grease into it. 

Louis stares at his exposed torso for a long time, but Harry ignores it.

He throws away all the Styrofoam boxes and the accompanying Sharpie into a garbage bag and takes it out to the trash can outside the house. 

Back inside, he kneels into the fridge again.  He would hold his breath when sticking his head in to properly remove the shelves, but that would probably result in him suffocating.

"Oh this is that gangster girl with the Spanish name who sings about lolitas right?  The one you showed me a while back... I liked her."  Louis says from atop the counter.

"Yep.  Lana Del Rey."  Harry sets the shelves out along the counter top where Louis sits and sticks an open bag of coffee beans in the acrid fridge. 

"Except her music is sad.  So it makes me a bit sad."  Louis crosses his legs and clasps his hands in his lap.  "Why did you put coffee beans in my appliance?"

"She's not sad, she's deep.  It's good for music to make you think deeply sometimes."  Harry fills a bowl with warm water.  "It's to help the smell.  I still need to scrub it out, but it will deodorize it while I'm scrubbing the shelves.  Do you clean your fridge a different way?"

Louis shakes his head.  "I didn't know you were supposed to clean fridges.  I just thought they always smelled."

Harry shuts the tap water off and purses his lips to himself.  It makes sense.  It's also why Harry devoted most of his Sunday mornings to cleaning Louis' apparently-never-been-cleaned kitchen.  When it wasn't the floors that needed to be cleaned, it was the fridge, then the microwave, the oven, then- _God_ \- the stovetop.  The stovetop was murder.

"Nope.  So this is just a warm water solution I make by mixing baking soda into it.  Then after I scrub off the initial layers of filth, I clean it with vinegar."  Harry explains as he measures out baking soda.  His mom was always adamant on making sure he knew how to clean everything as well as she did.  Harry honestly loved housework.

"Why do you care if the fridge smells clean?"  Louis pokes at one of the shelves.

"Because I have a high standard of living."  Harry dips the sponge in and attacks the surface of the plastic shelf with all the pent up emotion that's been bottled up the last few days.  It's so therapeutic. 

"You lived in India for like six months though.  They probably didn't care if their fridges smelled."  Louis says.

"Some of them did."  Harry blinks to hide an eye roll.  "Others don't.  I'm sure it's the same as when you were in Thailand.  Same as here in America.  We all have individual preferences and means of cleanliness." 

"I never noticed."  Louis says to himself, looking up to the ceiling. 

Harry refrains from mumbling an affirmation and instead hums along to Black Beauty to keep from saying anything.

"You can sing you know.  I like it when you sing."  Louis says.  "And tell me what she's singing about."

"Just listen to the lyrics and she tells you what she's singing about."  Harry smirks at Louis who gives him a cute sneer in retaliation.

"Sing it then so I can hear."  Louis gives him a sultry look.

Harry ignores the baiting look and waits for the first chorus to end.  He takes a breath, then sings along with the verse and scrubs circles into the shelf.  He flicks his eyes up to Louis.

Louis leans forward on his hands to listen to Harry better.

Harry lets the lyrics come out clearly as the melody pulses through his veins.  He stops before getting to the chorus.

Louis places a blood encrusted hand over the top of Harry's.  "I get it!  And... I think we need to paint the house black."

Harry rolls his eyes.  "You're missing the message."

"She's talking about how she sees everything in black and dark blue."  Louis says.  "That's like me.  I'm kind of like her."

Harry smiles, liking that Louis is taking the time to listen to the lyrics and apply them to himself over just listening to the beat.  "Kind of.  But you missed the first verse where she says she does it for her lover.  Hence the lyrics for the pre-chorus where she wants them to see the beauty in life."

"So I'm your Black Beauty then?"  Louis asks, fiddling his hands in his lap again.

"No."  Harry tosses the sponge in the bowl.

"But you said you love me.  That makes me your lover.  You do things for me and you want me to see happiness in life."  Louis bites at his lip.

Harry places both hands on either side of Louis' crossed knees.  "I love you.  But you aren't a Black Beauty.  You're bright yellow.  You're like sunshine in my life.  Bright, radiant, and gorgeous.  You aren't blackness Louis."

"You always say such poetic things."  Louis mumbles.

"Only for you my love."  Harry brings one of Louis' chilly hands to his lips to give it a kiss.  "Shall we get you cleaned up finally?  We need to let the shelves air out for a bit anyway."

Louis nods and slides off the counter.  They go hand-in-hand to the bathroom.  Harry thinks it feels really amazing to hold Louis' hand again because it's the hand that holds his heart.

The bathroom makes Harry wish he started here.  One step at a time, he reminds himself.  Though he will definitely not be showering in the tub unless he cleans it first or has flip-flops. 

Which, he needs clothes.  Louis needs _clean_ clothes.  God the work to be done...

Louis pulls out a rag and hydrogen peroxide from the cabinet he kicked in earlier.  Harry notes that there's a pile of clothes sitting under the sink. 

They sit on the edge of the tub and Louis shucks his shirt onto the floor next to the other shirt and blazer previously discarded.  Harry will pick them up later. 

"Do you clean them every time?"  Harry asks, referring to Louis' cuts. 

He pulls down the shower head and changes the setting to more of a drip and less pressure, then lets the water run for a minute to warm up.

"Only when I want to feel the hydrogen peroxide."  Louis says.

"And the other times you're done putting yourself through pain, so you just let it sit?"  Harry asks.

Louis shakes his head.  "The other times I hope that it gets infected and I die."

Harry shouldn't have asked.

His eyes flick to the newest paint additions to the bathroom wall.  "What do the incomplete circles represent?"

"It's the symbol for Zen."  Louis says.

Of course.  Because Louis Tomlinson paints the Zen symbol on the walls with his blood.

Harry gently holds Louis' arm and lets the water wash away some of the blood.

"I thought I told you that already."  Louis says.

"What?"  Harry looks up at Louis.

"The Zen symbol.  It's what was on my wall with the paint splatters.  I thought I told you that when we were painting my room."  Louis says.

"No.  I don't remember that."  Harry squints.  "Didn't you say you painted that room with Zayn?"

Louis nods.

"Didn't you say you hadn't seen Zayn since Thailand- up until your birthday?"  Harry asks.

Louis nods.

"You only lived in that house after you moved back from Thailand, right?"  Harry probes further, also remembering that Zayn said he had never been to Arizona.

Louis nods again.

"I'm confu-"  

Oh.  _Oh_. 

"You hallucinated that you painted your room with Zayn."  Harry states.

Louis chews on the inside of his cheek then nods.

Harry processes that information, then accepts it for what it is.  He can't dwell on these things if he wants to make any headway with Louis.

"That's okay."  Harry finally says. 

He rubs the wet cloth lightly against Louis' arm that won't come clean.  "Just tell me if I'm hurting you... It looks like your skin got stained pink..."

"That's not staining."  Louis says.

Harry stops scrubbing and looks at his clean washcloth.  "It's scarring?"

Louis nods.

Louis' entire left forearm is bright pink and there are dark red slices from where he cut himself earlier. 

"How much time do you give your cuts to heal before you cut again?"  Harry uncaps the hydrogen peroxide and pours a little across his arm.

"I don't."  Louis says.

Harry really didn't need to ask that question in the first place, since he half expected that answer.  Oh well.  He hopes at least it's helping Louis realize the wrongness and reality of it all. 

Harry caps the peroxide again and switches Louis' arms.  He uses his fingers this time to wipe off the cracking blood caked against his skin.  He swivels Louis' arm around and as Harry thumbs away the dried constituent, he sees ink.

Harry looks up at Louis who is staring at his red Zen symbols on the mirror and wall.  He glances down at the ink again and watches the lines turn into a shape as more of the blood washes away. 

It's a tattoo.  It's not new either.  It's a fully healed tattoo of a completed tic-tac-toe board with three X's scored diagonally.

"Louis." 

"Harry."

"Why, um- when did you get this?"  Harry runs his fingers over the tattoo.  There's no way-

"I got it two weeks after I moved here."  Louis says, watching Harry's facial expression.  "When did you get yours?"

Harry is confused, then embarrassed, because he forgot that he's currently shirtless, showing off his Axolotl tattoo on his shoulder. 

Right.  This is a thing that happened.

"Um."  Harry clears his throat.  "I er, got it when I was with my mum in Tucson over Christmas break."

"Before or after you slept with Niall?"  Louis asks, still looking Harry in the eye.

"Before."  Harry whispers.

Harry needs to regain composure because he's losing it quicker than he can put it back together. 

Proximity.  There's too much proximity for composure.

He shuts the faucet off and dumps peroxide on Louis' arm, then leaves the bathroom to go somewhere else.  His heart is beating much faster than he gave it permission to, and there are too many emotions trying to make their presence at the same time known for Harry to give them all proper attention.

He's grateful when he remembers he was cleaning the kitchen.  He clings to the task like his life depends on it and scrubs the shit out of the shelves with vinegar.  After that's complete, he opens up the fridge to clean the entirety of the inside of it. 

Lana sings on about dark paradise.  Harry thinks he might need to change the music.

After the fridge is spotless and the shelves have been put back into place, Harry washes all the produce he purchased earlier and neatly organizes it in the fridge and switches out the coffee beans for more fresh ones.  It looks and smells lovely now.

One step closer.

~~~


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thank you for all the votes!! I've received 11 messages so far! 4 more and I'll do another update :D

~~~

Harry's just changing the music to something Louis likes, when he comes from the hallway, freshly showered all around. And shit, Harry honestly thought it would make a difference in Louis' appearance; but other than his now-wet overgrown fringe that's flat on his head, Louis looks almost exactly the same. The same emaciated look that makes Harry sick to his stomach.

Harry averts his eyes and looks for something else to clean. He delves into the microwave next.

"You really are going to stay here to clean my house and feed me until you think I'm better?" Louis asks from behind Harry.

Harry focuses on flipping the sponge to the wooly side to chip off something orange from the plastic inside.

"You want me to sit here and watch you clean all day? You're wasting your life for me Harry. I'm fine. I was going to take a break from ecstasy before you showed up anyway." Louis says.

Harry finally gets the mystery orange from the side and pulls out the glass Lazy Susan from the inside to scrub it clean. Oatmeal, he thinks, is what's dried on it.

"Don't ignore me!" Louis raises his voice.

Harry sets the glass down on the countertop a little too forcefully. "What?"

"You're ignoring me." Louis states.

Harry _really_ wants to get into it about what's fair in terms of who's done the more ignoring in their relationship. He really does, but he doesn't, because he committed to himself to try and be more mature.

"I'm sorry. I'm paying attention to you now." Harry clasps his hands over the soapy sponge.

"Why are you cleaning my house?" Louis asks.

"Because it's filthy." Harry says.

"But why do you care?" Louis asks.

"Because it's a reflection of how you feel about yourself!" Harry throws his hands in the air. "The way you dress, the way you eat, the way you live- it's all a reflection of how you feel about yourself! And fuck, you have a _long_ way to go before you get to an even semi-decent place, but damn it, at least we're starting somewhere!" He throws the sponge at the ground.

" _Why_ do you care?" Louis emphasizes. " _Why_ do you care about how I live or how I feel about myself?"

For being smart and older and as successful as Louis is, he's really incredibly fucking dense sometimes. It makes Harry want to rip his hair out. "Because I love you Louis. I care about everything involving you."

" _Why_?" Louis repeats.

"Shit! I _don't know_ Louis! Some things just are. Why the fuck is gravity a thing? Why do we call grass green and the sky blue? I don't fucking _know_. Some things just are. I just love you. I could list off all the reasons I _fell_ in love with you. The 'charming', 'endearing', 'fun', and shit, but I know that's not what you're asking. Quite frankly, I don't know. I just know it consumes my entire being when I try and resist it, and when I think about even _trying_ to give my heart to someone else, I feel existentially sick and wrong in the universe. My life- my _heart_ \- makes the most sense when it's with you. Which makes no logical sense to me, but nothing's been logical with you Louis. I just love you because I love you and I believe that's the way it's meant to be with us." Harry catches his breath and flexes his hands out in exasperation.

"I have a lot of problems." Louis says.

Harry snorts.

"I'm sorry you feel like you have to be with me." Louis scuffs his foot on the floor.

Harry breathes out in defeat and then takes the two steps it takes to reach Louis to pull him into a hug. "I want to be with you. Always. Forever and always I want to be with you Louis."

"Can I give you a massage?" Louis mumbles into his chest.

"Sorry?" Harry cranes his head backwards.

"Can I give you a massage please?" Louis asks again.

"I thought, um..." He _thought_ Louis was aversive to giving free massages. "Why?"

"Because you won't have sex with me and haven't kissed me, and I just really need to touch somebody because I haven't done so since I've moved out here." Louis nuzzles into Harry's chest.

That makes a bit of sense, seeing as he remembers Louis saying the whole reason he became a massage therapist in the first place was to touch people, and then Kara saying that his job description has completely changed since moving out here.

Harry wonders when it changed for Louis. If he used to willingly touch people or give them massages; and if so, when did it change to him protecting his professional skills?

Harry breathes in the smell of Louis' shampoo. "Sure babe. Can I run a load of your laundry first?"

Louis nods. "Washer and dryer are in the hall closet, but I don't have any soap."

"I bought some, remember?" Harry releases Louis to pull out the laundry soap from where he stashed it under the kitchen sink. He's glad he made a positive assumption upon taking note that Louis wore yesterday's suit to the store this morning. Speaking of, he'll have to get that dry cleaned. Louis' probably never had that done.

One step at a time. He can do this.

"Right. Well, I'll just set up in my bedroom then if that's okay?" Louis asks.

Harry smiles. "Yeah. That's fine love."

Louis nods and scurries off to shut himself in his room.

Harry exhales and undresses the rest of the way, then throws his clothes in the washer along with the discarded articles of clothing and the pile under the bathroom sink that Harry assumes Louis wears the most often if their musky feel is anything to go by.

Harry ideally wishes he could be showered and fresh for a massage, but he can't really be too picky based on the state of the shower.

After the massage, he'll finish off the microwave and then clean the tub. It's been decided.

Harry raps lightly on the door. "I'm ready, but I'm indecent."

"Nothing I haven't seen before." Louis says.

Which, yes. It's just the circumstances are a bit different.

Harry opens the door and it smells like Louis again. It smells like massage oils and incense soaps and other things that Harry doesn't know the name of. The duvet is tossed off to the other side of the room, but the sheet is made nicely over top of the mattress that's been pulled away from the wall. Louis put on ambient Sanskrit music, and Harry is truly thrown back in time to the fall when he and Louis first met.

"I love looking at you, but I love touching you more." Louis smiles from his kneeled position on the ground.

Harry smiles and shakes off the memories. "Right." He takes a deep breath of nostalgia and slots between the sheet to lay face first on the mattress. He lays his head to the side since there isn't a nifty hole for his face to lie in.

"Preference on scent?" Louis fixes the sheet over top of him.

"No." Harry's lips tickle against the mattress.

He hears the oil being rubbed into Louis' hands as Louis positions himself above the head of the mattress, and then Louis places them delicately on his shoulders.

It's soft and a little cold, but there aren't any traces of uneasiness. Not on Louis' part at least.

"Why are you so tense?" Louis kneads his hands deeper into the tops of Harry's shoulders.

"Why are you massaging me?" Harry asks.

"Because you're tense." Louis replies.

Harry really can't help but chuckle at that.

"And I need to touch you. I don't like seeing people tense. It's literally my job to fix tenseness." Louis' hands stutter. "Well, it used to be."

"Well you've been tense since I met you." Harry remembers the stiffness in Louis' posture- the way he was always too self-aware. So much so that his face would literally freeze up for the time it took for him to decide on the 'right' thing to say back. It was odd at first since Harry's always been around others who don't care what they say or how they say it. But for as much as Louis dislikes words, he's very considerate when choosing his own.

"Not always. I mean... in the beginning yes. But. It changed." Louis says.

"When? And why?" Harry asks.

Louis glides his hands to in between Harry's shoulder blades. "I mean, each thing that made me trust you a little more made me less tense with you. In the beginning it was seeing how hard you were trying to respect me and my boundaries. I really appreciated that. Then there was the time a lot later we were in my living room- on the pull out hide-a-bed- do you remember?"

Harry smiles because he knows exactly which incident Louis is talking about. "After watching Pocahontas?"

"Yeah." The smile in Louis' voice is visible without Harry having to look. "I was- I was really worried. About giving too much of myself away too quickly, but also that you would like, disrespect my boundaries and just keep pushing me, you know?"

"Has anyone pushed your boundaries before?" Harry asks.

"No. I mean, I pushed my own boundaries with Zayn. It was just different that time with you because I was standing up for myself for the first time ever. Even though I knew you for a long time, I still didn't _know_ because we had never done that before." Louis pushes on a muscle that actually hurts a lot more than relaxes Harry and he tries to breathe through it. "So that meant a lot that I could trust you sexually, you know?"

"Yeah." Harry remembers the look on Louis' face too vividly to ever even think about pushing him on anything sexual.

_Louis' uneven breathing and squirming is what Harry takes as his cue to add a third finger. Not a second later, Louis' eyes shoot open and he looks at Harry like he half expects him to disappear completely. He looks petrified, equally of himself and also of Harry._

_"H-Haz." Louis stutters out. "Haz, can I- please? Can you stop?"_

_Harry gently removes his fingers from Louis and leans up to kiss his ear. "Are you alright love?" Fuck, he never wants to see that look again._

_Harry would feel so completely awful if he managed to scare Louis off forever. The sexual exploration of their relationship would be over before it even started. Harry would respect it either way though. Nothing is worth making Louis scared or uncomfortable._

_"Yeah, can we just- are you... Can I... Like earlier? I'll be softer this time." Louis stumbles and looks desperately up at Harry._

_Harry nods, tremendously relieved that Louis is still okay with what is happening. There's just a boundary around it now. Which is okay with Harry. Even if Louis never gets to the point of letting Harry top in bed, Harry wants to show Louis that he'll love him regardless._

_He kisses Louis on the cheek to try and convey as much, then Louis sits up and goes upstairs to get the lube._

The rest of the memory fades into the corners of his mind and Louis' touch on his skin feels electric.

"And then we were making out in my office once. You kept licking my face until I relaxed." Louis interrupts Harry's thoughts. "So even though I started out tense, I didn't really have an option later on because you kind of forced me to be comfortable around you. And I am. I trust you."

Harry wants to believe him, but doesn't. Not quite yet at least. "Why did you lock yourself in the bathroom this morning then?"

"I was scared. I didn't know what was happening. If I died or was high or what." Louis moves his hands down towards the bottom of Harry's back.

"And do you always cut when you're scared?" Harry asks.

"Yeah. Normally I cut when I drink. I talk when I'm high and I cut when I get drunk." Louis says.

"So you're always scared when you get drunk?" Harry asks.

"Normally yeah." Louis says. "Like, I would talk to you when I was high. But then drunk, I just talk to myself in my head and only think about how disappointed you would be in me. So yeah, scared of what you'd think of me when you came over again. Then I'd cut because the emotions hurt or scared me too much."

Harry thinks it's really difficult to try and relax while having such a mentally stressing conversation, but he tries anyway. "So why would you drink then if it just made you scared and sad?"

Louis shuffles to the side of him to massage his sides at a different angle. "Well, just like last night. I was feeling sorry for myself. Dwelling on that. Drinking just reinforces how pitiful my life is. Feeling pitiful is better than feeling heartbroken."

Harry's heart feels jabbed through the mattress. He keeps his emotions out of the conversation though. "And what about getting high then? And would you do it together?" Which, he knows the answer since Hayden mentioned Louis throwing up pills and alcohol all over their bathroom over the weekends.

"The only reason I'd do both at the same time is when I was parasuicidal." Louis explains. "The thing you have to know about ex is it makes me happy. But happiness loses its purpose if you don't have anything relative to compare it to. So the drinking was my sadness to remind me that I could be happy again, and the pills were my happiness to remind me that I could be sad. If all I had was happiness, I wouldn't feel anything because it would be the same all the time."

God, this just... Harry turns over to look at Louis because what?

Harry looks at Louis who has his head cocked, looking back at Harry with interest.

"Are you like... here?" Harry asks cautiously.

Louis shrugs. "I dunno. Am I?"

Harry squints. "Do you know what you're saying?"

Louis rolls his eyes. "No, I'm just randomly spewing Arabic to you."

Harry is really confused, mostly because he's not sure if Louis is still mentally here or not. It seems that more times than not, Louis can determine when he is high, otherwise he wouldn't have called Kara when he was 'hallucinating' Harry in his bed this morning. Which meant by deductive reasoning that Louis came to terms with the fact that he was either high or Harry was physically here.

So Harry decides to just ask. "Are you high?"

Louis giggles. "Well I'm not drunk."

So he's happy, is what he's saying. He's also not present, Harry decides.

He needs to find something- anything- he can do or say that will help ground Louis to reality. He has to think of something.

"What about last night? Do you remember that? Remember how I'm warm? And I smell like-" Wait, what was it? "Pool raspberries?"

"Chlorinated raspberries." Louis corrects. "And yes I do. I'm glad that I've determined all that too. I don't know why my brain never thought to attach your scent to you or how warm you are before now.  It makes sense that I've finally connected it all. I finally have a complete memory of you now. Nothing will take you away Harry. Nothing."

Essentially what Louis is saying, is that anything Harry does or says just adds to the false reality he's creating for himself.

Fantastic.

Harry sighs, looking down at his exposed torso and the sheet on his hips. "So you've given me massages before?"

Louis nods. "All the time. I told you, I don't get to touch anyone anymore."

"Tell me more about that by the way." While they're here, Harry may as well ask because Louis wasn't kidding, he does talk a lot more now. "I thought you disagreed with free services unless they are immediately followed up by fantastic sex instigated by you."

"So cheeky." Louis chuckles. "Well, I used to love it. I would massage anyone that I talked to for more than five minutes because I was so excited to connect with people on that level. But with Liam, he always, _always_ asked me for massages. His friends only wanted to be friends with me because I would give them massages too. I was okay with it at first, then started to feel taken advantage of, but didn't know what to do. When I was graduating and met Zayn, I told him about the situation and he told me to never _ever_ give away something that I spent a long time working for and paying to learn."

"So what about now?" Harry asks.

Louis rubs a hand daintily up and down Harry's chest. "Now, I don't give a fuck about Zayn. I realized I started caring less and less since you came in between my appointments that one day and told me you mostly wanted an excuse for me to touch you more. I was worried you'd only take advantage of me up until that point, but then when you said that, I realized how much I had changed from freely touching people to closing off that part of myself. The more I freely touched you, the less I believed in Zayn's words because I remembered how much touching is an essential part of who I am."

Everything with Louis really seems to tie back to his experiences or insecurities with Zayn. It surprises Harry every time, even though he really should be used to it by now. He supposes if he tried being in a serious relationship with someone after being with Louis, a lot of Harry's actions would similarly be a result of his experiences with Louis.

It still blows his mind a little though that Louis believed Harry to be so real, even when he wasn't' here. "You really believed you were touching me when I was a hallucination?"

Louis trails his hands from Harry's chest up to his head. "I shouldn't have to tell you this Hazza. The brain is the most powerful tool in the entire universe. Don't they teach you that along with believing that you'll reincarnate as a tree?"

Harry almost lets it slide, but then decides to reprimand Louis' trivializing of his beliefs because Louis' already admitted to Harry how much he retains, regardless of what chemicals are affecting his body. "Please don't demean my beliefs, as I have never done so for yours. They also teach me that kama- or desires and passions- are a healthy life practice. Not to put down your beliefs, but I think you're misinterpreting them because they don't seem to be doing anything more than feed your helplessness and unhappiness and mine allow me feel like a good person."

Louis' eyes slit at hearing this. "Right. Except your beliefs are just sugar coated for children to help them feel good about whatever they choose to do in life. No restrictions. They teach you to have desires and passions, then on the same coin they tell you to follow dharma and be virtuous. Tell me how that works?"

"Louis-" Harry sits up, "they teach the _exact_ same principles in Buddhism too. This wasn't meant to become a fight over religion. Just realize that you can let yourself be happy. We both ultimately want the same thing- spiritually, mentally, and physically. I want you to be happy. You want to be happy. Why is that so hard to grasp?"

"Yeah, except everything is relative to finding nirvana which means going through pain. That's why I can't just be happy." Louis says.

"Fuck, _Louis_. What is the point of any beliefs if they won't let you be happy? Buddha eventually had to let go of pain and let himself be happy." Harry is really itching to start cleaning things. The bathroom needs cleaning. The kitchen floor. Vacuuming.

"Yeah, but nobody can really be happy while they're alive. You're not truly happy until you're dead because humans are incapable of achieving true understanding and moderation." Louis says.

Harry gathers the sheet around his hips and rummages through a box until he finds a pair of sweatpants to fit into. He leaves to the kitchen without another word to Louis because he just _can't_ right now.

Harry scrubs the life out of the rest of the microwave and the stovetop. After those are clean, he wipes out the cabinets, killing at least a dozen daddy long legs, satirically thinking he could be killing himself in an alternate universe.

The sink is a nightmare and takes three separate times of cleaning and Harry sticking his hand down the drain and pulling out miscellaneous items from a plastic spork to a bread tie. The stovetop is considerably easier to clean here than at Louis' house in Phoenix, presumably because Louis hasn't overcooked a thousand failed pasta dishes here. Harry always adored Louis' overcooked pasta. He never even knew it was overcooked.

The washer signifies that the clothes are ready to dry, so he switches those out. He cleans the oven next, because why the hell not?

After that, the countertops and floor gets cleaned, then it's dark out, and then Harry realizes he's cleaned every ounce of the kitchen. It's shining, similar to his body glistening with sweat and massage oil.

He cooks himself a frozen dinner in the newly clean oven.

While it will work for tonight, Harry really needs to start making heartier food. He's getting run down and can't be his best self if he's malnourished. He honestly needs to buy more groceries too. So many more, but he dipped into his savings account already from what he bought for Louis today.

While he eats, he decides that Louis needs to go to a church service. Get a fresh perspective and positive, renewing energy from other people that cling to suffering as much as he does.

He takes a few deep breaths to calm down, since he's still making sardonic remarks about religion.

He needs food he tells himself. And he really needs a good session of yoga. Endorphins and a stress reliever.

Yoga. When's the last time Louis did yoga?

The mental to-do list keeps getting longer, but it's okay.

One step at a time.

The kitchen is clean and Harry is calmer.

He goes back to Louis' room with a cut up red pepper and carrots and Louis is laying on his bed, talking to Gary about the weather.

Harry kneels by the mattress and places a kiss to Louis' hand. "I love you and I'm sorry for losing control of my emotions earlier. I love you."

Louis gives Harry a soft smile back. "It's okay. I love you too." He pats the mattress next to him.

Harry sits next to him and hands him the plate. "Eat, then we'll go to bed, yes?"

Louis nods then tucks his head into Harry's chest.

~~~


	8. Chapter 8

Merry late Christmas fam!

Love all you guys and hope you have wonderful holidays!!

-Dannie Ybarra xoxoxo

~~~

The next morning, Harry is woken up by his phone vibrating. He opens his eyes, fighting the heaviness in them, then untangles himself from Louis' cold back.

Kara's name flashes across the screen and Harry removes himself from the room before answering.

"Hell-" Harry's voice cracks, so he clears his throat and tries again. "Hello?"

"Is Louis still there?" Kara asks.

Harry yawns, rubbing at his eyes. "Yeah. He's asleep."

"Okay. I've rearranged his schedule for the next two weeks so that he has some time off, and then I can cover him the rest of the time. He can't be gone for longer that though." Kara says.

Two weeks. Harry has two weeks to get Louis in a healthier place before he goes back to work.

"Right. Thanks. What time does he normally go into work by the way?" Harry pulls the phone away from his ear to look at the time. "Why did you call me at 6:51 in the morning?"

"Because it's what time I call Louis to wake him up. We leave for work in nine minutes- well, _I_ leave for work in nine minutes. Just wanted to make sure Louis was going to take a few days off at the least. He's rather insistent on working." Kara says.

"So you're saying he's going to attempt to sneak out and go to work today?" Harry groans.

Petulant Louis is a difficult Louis.

"I mean, I would _assume_ so. But I don't know. Maybe he'll realize he needs some time off. Is he talking to you and stuff now?" Kara asks.

"Yeah, well sort of. Yesterday after the bathroom incident he was self-aware. A little out of it, but still here for most of the day. Then he started losing it when he was massaging me." Harry peeks into Louis' room. He's still fast asleep. "I have no idea what today's going to be like though."

"Good luck then. Love you two, and please let me know if there's anything I can do for either of you. I have my phone on me all day." Kara says.

"Thanks so much Kara. I'll let you know." Harry yawns again and closes Louis' door.

They say goodbye, and Harry pockets his phone. He needs a shower. It's been a couple days at this point. His stomach protests, urging him to eat first, but he really wants to get the bathroom cleaned before Louis gets up.

He grabs the car keys to keep in his pocket and the cleaning supplies, then sets a timer for 30 minutes to give himself a deadline.

He goes through an entire roll of paper towels, destroys the wimpy scrub brush that Louis owns, and goes through several bottles of cleaning agents. If he's being honest, he feels a little dizzy because of all the chemicals, despite the open window.

True to his time frame, Harry gets the entire bathroom cleaned, minus the blood Zen symbols on the walls. Even Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser wouldn't erase the damage that had been done there.

Harry will have to Google how to remove blood from walls later.

Jesus.

Harry shakes his head to himself in the newly crystal clear reflection of the mirror. God, he looks exhausted.

He's glad to find Louis still asleep in his room, and grabs some incense to burn out the heavy chemical smell. He feels about 98 percent sure now that he won't get any kind of foot fungus from stepping barefoot into the tub.

It's a good feeling.

Harry hums to himself and uses his favorite brand of raspberry cream shampoo that he bought at the store yesterday.

By the time he gets out, the entire bathroom smells of patchouli and raspberries. Harry wraps a towel around his hips for the short trip to the dryer where there are some clean clothes. Harry puts on a slightly-too-small pair of Louis' sweatpants. He wonders if he should devote a day to driving to his house in Phoenix and back, or if he should just live out of Louis' clothes for as long as he's going to be here.

Which. Harry hopes is a long time.

He just hopes Louis feels the same. Harry did kind of invite himself in on Louis' life. But like Harry promised himself, he would leave if Louis said he truly didn't want Harry here in his fully coherent and right state of mind.

Since there isn't any more immediate cleaning that needs to take place, he decides it's time to make a decent breakfast.

The smell of the veggie omelet is what does it.

Louis trudges into the kitchen and Harry hands the paper plate full of omelet to him along with a glass of orange juice.

Louis takes it silently and eats on the couch.

Harry sits beside him with his own food.

Louis eats a little more than half of the omelet, which is an improvement from yesterday, Harry thinks.

"You're wearing my clothes again." Louis says.

A chunk of green pepper falls off Harry's lips as his fork freezes mid-bite. "Yeah."

"You wore my clothes to bed yesterday." Louis says.

Harry sets his plastic fork down on the plate. "Yeah."

"You didn't bring any clothes with you." Louis says.

Harry would just feel redundant at this point if he affirmed the rhetorical statement.

"Why did you come here?" Louis turns to look at Harry.

"To..." Well, to get closure. But Harry still loves Louis. He always has. "I came because I love you. I needed to find you."

"Right." Louis sneers. "You came because you wanted to tell me off and hurt me more, then felt sorry for me and now you won't leave."

Harry sets his plate on the ground so he can hold both of Louis' cold hands. "Louis, that's not true. I felt- I felt, _unresolved_ , about things. I've loved you this whole time and when I came to terms with that is when I knew I needed to stay here with you."

Louis' eyebrow twitches. "When did you come to terms with that?"

"If I'm being honest, Friday night. When I was talking to Kara and Hayden. I came here because I felt something. When I got here I realized the 'something' was my love for you. That's all it is Louis. I'm here because I love you." Harry says.

He watches his words process through Louis' mind for a moment before Louis decides to store it away and move on from it.

Louis looks at Harry again. "My clothes don't fit you."

Harry smiles and swings his legs onto Louis' lap. "You don't like my ankles showing? I thought I was being fashionable."

Louis' face morphs into a grin that reminds Harry of dried mud cracking in the sun. "You've always been too posh for me. How would I know?"

Harry purses his lips. "I dunno, I thought you rocked the flashy underwear pretty well on our first date."

Louis' face falls and his eyebrows furrow. "What?"

Harry's lips still tease a smile. "White pants at Kyoto Sushi. I'll never forget. Oh, and no socks." Harry taps Louis' nose. "Much too fashionable for me."

Louis' jaw parts open and his eyes light up. "Fuck! I remember that!" Louis points at Harry's chest. "It _was_ a sneak attack date! I knew it!"

Harry nods triumphantly. "I'm a clever person."

Louis squints at him. "You only think you're clever."

Harry gathers Louis tightly in his arms, because _yes_. This is more like Louis. This is wonderful. This makes Harry's heart do jumping jacks while free falling from a plane.

"Haz- you're- _can't_. Breathe." Louis mumbles into his neck.

Harry releases him. "Sorry." He automatically strokes Louis' sunken in cheekbones. "I love you so much."

Louis' eyes flick down to his lap. "So, what are we going to do about the clothes situation?"

As always with Louis, Harry prefers to just be direct, regardless of his own insecurities or thoughts. "That depends on how long you want me to stay."

Louis' eyes dart back up to meet Harry's. "I thought you deemed yourself dictator over my life or whatever."

"Only when you're being unreasonable. You can technically kick me out anytime, but I'll only leave if I feel like you'll be okay." Harry smiles. "But, back to clothes. I'm fine just living out of your clothes if you're okay with it. I'd rather not spend an entire day driving back and forth to Phoenix."

"So why don't we buy you new clothes?" Louis cocks his head.

Harry lets out a small noise. "Um. Not really in my budget for this month."

Harry was always really reluctant to talk to Louis about his financial situation. Not that he was ever _hurting_ for money per say, but with his rigorous healthy food habits (and more recent binge drinking), he was always just on the side of short for everything else. Which was okay, because health will always be number one priority for Harry.

Most of his clothes are from the clearance rack, and he's managed to get by with a sizable wardrobe by doing so. The most expensive things he's bought himself in the last year consist 100 percent of the sexual accessories that he bought with Louis months ago, and they aren't even technically his.

His motorcycle was something he got not just because he thinks they're immortally 'cool' but also because they are insanely gas efficient. He only got a little out of hand when the dealer talked him into buying a Harley over a V-Star. It was only an extra five years to pay it off and a Harley had always been Harry's dream motorcycle. Harry's only human after all.

Louis stares at Harry for a moment, obviously processing the information. "You're pressed for money?"

Harry shrugs. "It's just gotten a little tighter because I didn't work the last half of April since graduation and I moved and stuff. So."

"You moved?" Louis asks.

"Yeah." Harry says.

"With Niall." Louis says like it's not a question, even though Harry knows it is.

"No. Myself. I was renting a friend's brother's basement month-to-month until I got a job and moved." Harry says.

"You graduated." Louis says.

Harry bites at his lip. "Yeah."

"You told me a long time ago, and I forgot about your graduation." Louis says.

"It's not that important. I missed it myself." He smirks at Louis.

"Why?" Louis looks slighted. "It's supposed to be a super important rite of passage for fancy four-year-college people.

"There's a lot more important things in life than graduation." Harry folds his arms. "The important part happens after graduation- or well, according to the guy who was giving the speech, _'now'_ since there is no future. Only now."

Louis lifts an eyebrow. "I thought you said you didn't go to graduation."

"What?" Harry asks.

"You just said the guy giving the speech. Like at your graduation?" Louis prompts.

"Oh. Yeah." Harry picks up his omelet to finish it. "I left like five minutes into his speech."

"For what?" Louis asks.

"To come here obviously." Harry rolls his eyes.

"You left your graduation to come here?" Louis repeats.

"Would you like to see my cap and gown in my saddlebag?" Harry mumbles through a mouthful of food.

"No. But can I buy you clothes?" Louis asks.

Harry chokes a little on his food. "No?"

"Why not?" Louis asks.

Harry shakes his head. Because, just, no. He doesn't let people buy him things. He acquires his own things.

"You just bought a shit ton of useless shitty shit for my house that I don't even need. I'm buying you clothes." Louis stands up and heads to the key dish by the garage door. "Where's my car key?"

Harry swallows. "Um."

Louis folds his arms and waits for an answer.

"My pocket." Harry says.

Louis' lip twitches a few times before he composes what he wants to say. "Good then!" He claps his hands together. "You can drive." He opens the garage door and gets in the car.

Harry huffs out and puts his shoes on before grabbing a pair of shoes for Louis and following him into the car. Louis silently accepts them from him and puts them on.

Harry puts the key in the ignition and the blue heart catches his eye again as he turns to look at Louis. "I really don't want you to buy me clothes."

"Well then we'll say they're for me and just buy them five sizes bigger. You've already started the car, so start driving because you're killing the ozone by idling." Louis waves his hand in the air.

Harry puts the car into reverse and his mind backpedals along with it. He just- he has to clarify a point. "So you... You want me to stay?" He glances quickly at Louis.

Louis stares out the window. "Distracted driving is against the law Harold. You shouldn't try to have emotionally compromising conversations while operating vehicles."

Harry smiles.

After a short car ride of Harry arguing for Louis to take him to Wal-Mart and Louis refusing to do so, they end up at Target.

Louis grabs a shopping cart, which Harry determines as a bad omen from the start.

"Lou, I only need like two shirts and two pants. I don't need a shopping cart to carry that." Harry argues, trying to give the cart back to the nice employee who greeted them into the store.

The employee reaches out to take the cart from Harry and Louis, but Louis yells at her when she tries to touch it. "No! Don't touch that! We will need it." The woman holds her hands up in the air looking petrified. Louis glares pointedly at Harry. "I say when, and I say you're getting more than two things for each body part."

"Why?" Harry argues.

"Because I'm buying. So I reign dictatorship while in this store." Louis argues.

Harry giggles and follows as Louis majestically drags the squeaky cart behind him.

Louis is only three more steps into the store when he stops and turns around. "Well go on then. I've no idea what your crazy ritual for clothes buying is like." Louis points to the store.

Harry is amused. "I don't have a crazy ritual. I just get something if I like how it looks." But he takes the lead anyway towards the clothes section.

"You have a crazy ritual for food buying." Louis points out.

Harry searches for the clearance rack and starts pulling some articles off of it. "I don't have a ritual. I'm just logical about it. I want to eat and taste good food, so I have to buy good food."

Harry finds four nice shirts and folds them before setting them into the cart. He moves on to leg wear.

"You're buying more than four shirts." Louis sounds a little more than irritated.

"Four is more than enough." Harry holds up khaki cargo shorts that look like they belong for someone working at a zoo.

Louis yanks the shorts away from Harry and throws them over the shelves. A small child yelps from the other side. Harry's eyes widen a little at the outburst.

"You're ignoring me again." Louis states.

Harry looks around self-consciously. "I've been talking to you this whole time Louis. I've responded to like everything you've said."

"No. I asked you like three questions and you've ignored me." Louis says.

"What did you ask me?" Harry racks his brain for what the hell Louis is talking about.

"I asked you why you were uncomfortable letting me buy you things and you didn't answer, so I asked you why you were ignoring me." Louis says.

Harry raises his eyebrows. "Louis, you didn't say any of that. Not out loud at least."

Louis' eyes darken and he's silent.

Harry breaks the silence. "I'm uncomfortable because I just am. I don't like anybody spending money on me. It's nothing against you."

Louis' face softens and he turns his attention to the pants on the shelves. "I've done nothing but work for four years now. I have so much money that I don't know what to do with it anymore. I want you to have clothes for a long time. Please let me spend some money on you."

Harry's heart feels heavy in his chest and he raises his arm to rub Louis on the back, but then decides against it. The hand falls limply at his side. "Okay, sure."

This cheers Louis up a little more than his previous attitude, and Harry asks for his opinions on some things. When Harry runs out of things that fit him and look good on the clearance rack, he reluctantly pulls a few of the newer clothes off the hangers and mannequin piles.

After another hour of trying on every article of clothing to make sure that they fit, Harry ends up with a cart half full of coats, shirts, pants, underwear, socks, and shoes.

"Haz, do you have everything you need for my kitchen?" Louis asks after Harry exits the dressing room for the last time.

"What?" Harry feels winded from jumping in and out of so many skinny jeans.

"Well like, I know you need a flat pan and stuff for the omelets, but I have more of those in my boxes. I didn't bring anything else though, like, eatable stuff. Do you need spices or soups or sommat?" Louis asks.

Harry is confused again for a minute before he translates what Louis just said to him. "You have a skillet still packed in your boxes?"

Louis nods.

"But the only edible things you have is what I bought yesterday?" Harry asks.

"Well." Louis wiggles his eyebrows.

Harry gives him a fond eye roll. "Yeah, let's pick up a few more things then so I can season with more than just salt and pepper."

Louis bounces on his heels a little bit as he follows Harry to the grocery section. Harry tries not to fall over with fond.

He ends up grabbing cooking and baking essentials (along with a few of Harry's preferred small appliances and some more produce), which ends up with the cart overflowing and Harry carrying some things in his arms while Louis slips on the linoleum flooring trying to push the cart that's three times his weight.

Louis focuses too much on getting the cart to move that he doesn't realize when he's about to run into a shelf. He does, and subsequently knocks off three bags of sugar. They tumble then split open on the ground.

Louis looks accusingly at Harry for no reason other than placing blame on someone other than himself. Harry laughs and runs away from the mess.

Louis shouts at him, then furiously slips on the trackless soles of his own shoes before finally catching up to Harry in the check-out line where Harry is still laughing his ass off.

~~~

By the time they have everything put away at the house, Harry gets to messy up the kitchen again. Louis pointed out which box his cooking pans were in and Harry unpacked them so he could make a quinoa salad.

The cupboards look fuller and Harry feels happier.

The steam from the quinoa fills the window pane with condensation and the smell of chopped vegetables simmering in the skillet fills the kitchen with a warm smell.

As that sits, Harry busies himself by preparing a smoothie for Louis in the new blender. After it's done, he pours some in a cup for Louis.

Louis looks at the concoction like it might attack him. "Why is it green? What's in it?"

Harry smiles and takes a drink. "Because it's full of fruits, spinach, kale, carrots, acidophilus power, wheat germ, flaxseed, protein powder-"

"Fuck, Harry. I'm not training for the Olympics." Louis gives it an experimental smell then cringes back.

"Just... try and drink some. It's really good for you and it tastes good." Harry chugs the rest of his smoothie.

Harry watches Louis mentally psyche himself up for it and then try a sip.

Louis' eyes water a little. "How much of this do I have to drink?"

Harry lifts an eyebrow. "It shouldn't be that painful. I added like, a cup of honey to yours so it would be sweet."

"No, the taste is fine... The texture is disgusting." Louis pushes the rejected smoothie back at Harry.

Harry grabs a straw for him. "Drink it through a straw. Try and drink the whole thing as long as you think you can eat some salad afterward."

Louis pokes the straw into his drink. "I don't know why the hell you're boiling something and calling it a salad."

Harry opens his mouth to explain the characteristics of quinoa, but Louis holds his hands up.

"I honestly don't care and I don't want to hear. I'll eat whatever vegan shit you're trying to feed me." Louis makes a show of holding the straw up to his lips and taking a large sip. "See?"

Harry walks over to kiss his temple. "Thank you love."

"I like having you here." Louis whispers into his chest so quietly that Harry almost misses it. "It feels more like home."

Harry kisses his forehead then his nose. "Good."

Louis shies away from Harry's face. "You said you were renting a month to month thing from a cousin's niece's friend or something?"

Harry chuckles. "Sure. Why?"

"You should let him know that he should rent it to someone else. If you want. So that you don't have to pay for living there while you're here." Louis says.

Harry places both hands on Louis' shoulders, ignoring the shot of adrenaline that's spiked his system. "And how long should I tell him to rent it out for?"

Louis shrugs.

"As a landlord, I don't know how he'll feel about that response." Harry says lightly.

Louis almost smiles, but doesn't. "It's up to you. I mean, I don't want you feeling tied down here or anything. Like, you have your mum's house and stuff. But just trying to... help you save some money."

Right. Save some money. Because Niall, Miguel, or his mom would all call that a terrible cop out for getting someone to move in with them.

But in all honesty, it's not much different than what Harry was already planning on doing- living with Louis- until he gets better at least. Then they can figure out where they stand and where to go from there.

Harry would feel most responsible by putting a time frame on it, so that he holds himself accountable and in check with reality. But he doesn't want to say to Louis 'I'll give it a month and see where we're at' because knowing Louis, he would take that as his cue to do something drastic to get Harry to stay or by trying to preemptively leave him again.

So, Harry will just keep the information to himself for now. He'll talk to Miguel's brother and ask him to hang onto the basement for a month. Then by the end of a month, Harry will tell him to either rent it out to someone else, or that he'll be coming back to Phoenix.

"Kay. I'll talk to him." Harry gives Louis another kiss on the cheek and finishes preparing dinner for the two of them.

~~~


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Check it the end authors note for Bromance Award update incentive again :D

Dedicated to @thegerbera for the lovely comment! Thank you and there hopefully will be some updates soon!

  
~~~

Harry wakes up to the sound of a breaking glass and a car alarm. His heart thumps loudly as he instantly looks around for Louis, but only finds that he's in an empty bed.

He scrambles out of the thin sheets tangled around his legs and runs out of the bedroom. All the cabinets in the kitchen are open and the couch cushions are thrown across the living room.

Harry runs into the garage, wishing he had some sort of weapon in case someone is trying to kidnap Louis because that's the only logical thing he can think about at the moment.

The garage is empty, but the driver's side door is open and the window is broken.

There's a loud _thunk_ , followed by a 'fuck'!

Louis' head pops up over the top of the steering wheel and there's a gash on his forehead. He's in a button up and blazer.

"Louis! What are you doing?" Harry rounds the corner and sees that underneath the steering wheel, the plastic has been pulled off and there are dozens of colored cords hanging out. "What the hell?"

"I can't find my keys! I can't find them!" Louis holds an already bloody hand to his head on the gash. "I have to get to work!"

Harry pats his body several times searching for the keys and remembers he put them in an empty All-Purpose Cleaner bottle under the sink. He goes inside to retrieve them, then turns the car alarm off. He stands in the garage doorway, not wanting to risk walking in glass again.

Louis gets out of the car and slams the door shut. "You fucking bastard! You stole my fucking keys! How am I supposed to fucking get to work?"

Louis stalks up to him and for a second, Harry thinks Louis might try hitting him again.

He doesn't.

"Louis." Harry starts calmly. "You're not going into work today. We took all day yesterday off, and we're going to take today off too, okay?"

"Oh, what? Do you think I can just _not show up for work?_ " Louis points to his broken-into car. "Maybe this is news for you Harry, but some of us have a job and can't loiter around like children pining after lost loves."

"Louis, please calm down." Harry tries not to let on how much Louis' words actually sting him. "Just, come in the house and calm down okay?"

"No. Give me my fucking car keys!" Louis takes another step towards Harry.

"Kara has everything covered for you Louis. You need to take some time off." Harry says gently.

"Says fucking who? _You?_ You don't run my life Harry! Leave me alone!" He lunges for the keys, and Harry grips onto them tighter so that Louis can't get them.

Harry grits his teeth. "Okay, you're right. I don't run your life. I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone." He turns to walk back into the bedroom to see what Louis' next move will be.

"You can't just walk away! You have-" Louis gasps and crumbles to the ground. "You have my car keys." Louis wraps his arms around his knees and sobs into them.

Harry is by his side in seconds. "Baby, what's- what's wrong?" He ghosts his hands over Louis' body, not wanting to set him off by touching him.

Louis tightens his arms around his knees more and continues crying to himself.

"Louis?" Harry asks gently.

Louis speaks choppily. "I feel s-so stupid."

"Why love?" Harry clenches his fists to prevent himself from touching him.

"I-" Louis' body relaxes the slightest bit. "I had a- a dream."

Harry is confused, but the feeling is one he's decided to just embrace. Because though Louis is confusing, he almost always gives explanations for his words and behavior at some point. "What kind of dream?"

"A good one." Louis says, less worked up now.

Harry relaxes back against the wall next to Louis. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I feel stupid." Louis says.

"I won't judge you. Promise." Harry holds out a pinky for Louis to take.

Louis looks at Harry's offered pinky and unknowingly lets his scowl show through before shaking his head and looking straight ahead of him.

The scowl is familiar to Harry. There have been several times where Louis has either skeptically accepted or refused to partake in 'juvenile antics'. Small comments like not wanting to make a blanket fort because it was too childish.

Harry's not sure, but he has a feeling this is one of those times, seeing as pinky promises could be linked to being child-like. Something that Harry is slowly piecing together and linking back to Louis trying to act more adult for Zayn's approval. He'll just have to find out how to change pinky promises into a blanket fort situation.

Louis tucks his legs into himself tighter. "I had a dream that we had a lovely day together. We went shopping and you cooked a salad and then told me you wanted to stay here with me. Then I woke up and just... I just realize how stupid it is because I'll never be able to feel that happy. I hate my life so much that I wish I could just sleep and dream forever instead."

Harry places a hand on Louis' elbow. "Love, that wasn't a dream... that happened yesterday."

Harry lets the silence settle and sit for a minute. Louis acts as if he didn't even hear what Harry said. In fact, Harry's not even sure Louis did, because he just keeps himself wrapped tightly in his own arms and starts to quiver a little.

"Louis?" Harry squeezes his elbow lightly.

Louis just kind of collapses sideways onto Harry and Harry struggles to move his arms out of the way to wrap them around Louis and catch him. Louis clings to Harry, and his wet face rubs against Harry's exposed chest.

"Louis, love? Talk to me." Harry pulls into his lap and closer to his chest while running a hand through his half-styled quiff.

Louis' lips part against Harry's skin and his eyelids clench tighter together, squeezing out a few more tears. "It- it wasn't a dream?"

Harry cradles Louis' head closer to him. "No babe. It wasn't a dream."

Louis lets out a soft sob and his blunt fingernails dig deeper into Harry's ribcage. "Yesterday meant s-so much to me. I-I was happy and I wasn't high."

Harry looks upward, trying to refrain from getting emotional. "Yeah, you had a good day yesterday, didn't you?"

Louis nods into his chest. "It's the happiest I've been since you left."

Harry's temporarily confused by the statement until he realizes Louis is referring to when Harry left to Tucson for Christmas. "Well guess what?" Harry pulls Louis' face away so he can look him in the eyes.

Louis' lip trembles. "What?"

Harry wipes the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs. "Yesterday was only the beginning. We're going to have days a hundred times happier than yesterday. We'll do lots of special things together and you'll be completely sober for all of it."

Louis' eyes dart back and forth between Harry's.

"Do you believe me? Do you trust me?" Harry asks.

Louis closes his eyes and nods into Harry's hands.

"Good." Harry pecks Louis' forehead next to the gaping wound. "Can I help you get cleaned up now?"

Louis wipes his nose with the back of an already dirty blazer. "I can do it. Can you- can you unpack more things? I like when you unpack."

Harry's grin splits his face in two. "You're just using me to do all your housework aren't you?"

A shy smile creeps onto Louis' face and he shakes his head. "I'm using you as my personal servant."

Harry nips at Louis' nose, letting his lips tickle against the bridge as he speaks. "How very rude of you."

A breathy giggle comes from Louis. "You love it."

Harry's heart feels like it has just personally outrun a stampede of wild bulls, so he really can't help but give Louis a barely-there peck on the lips. Then. "I love you."

Louis' breath catches and he whispers back, "I love you too."

Harry dips his head to snuggle it into Louis' neck and give him another soft peck. "Go get cleaned up, yes?"

Louis nods against the side of Harry's face and then he slowly stands up to go into the bathroom.

Harry stays grounded on the floor for another minute before making himself move. Louis just now... It's thrilling and scary. Thrilling because it's a step closer to Louis being right again. But scary because Harry knows good moments and good moods have expiration dates. He can only pray that this good moment will be a long one before Louis has some sort of breakdown again.

He stands up, rejuvenated, and puts on some shoes to head into the garage to haul in a bookshelf he saw there earlier. He ignores the mess Louis made of his car and decides to ask questions later. After the bookshelf is set up next to the TV, he decides on bringing in the TV stand as well so that he can replace the mysterious boxes with ambiguous labels.

He's gotten the TV on its proper stand and the collection of DVD's and BlueRay's unpacked and arranged alphabetically in the attached cabinets when Louis comes into the living room.

"Looks good." He says.

Harry files away the last DVD- Zoolander- before picking up the empty box and collapsing it. "I'm glad you approve. How are you feeling?"

"Good." Louis touches the butterfly bandages across his forehead. "Hungry. I think your green thing fucked with my metabolism. Weird things are happening."

Harry smiles and tries not to laugh. "Good. It's really good at cleansing out your system, so that's all normal. What would you like for breakfast?"

Louis shrugs.

Harry grabs him by the hand and leads him into the kitchen then lifts him onto the counter. "I can make you a quiche, or another green smoothie, or a parfait, or..."

Louis' face lights up. "Pancakes and bacon?"

Harry chews on his bottom lip. "I think..." He places a hand on Louis' knees. "I'd like you to hold down a couple meals before we give you something really heavy and greasy. Just so we don't put your body into shock. Is that okay?"

The light leaves Louis' face as quickly as it came. "Yeah. Whatever's fine then."

"How about this?" Harry decides. "I'll make you a parfait for breakfast and we'll see how the granola sits with you till lunch, then for lunch we'll do more quinoa salad; and for dinner I'll make you pancakes with strawberries."

Louis nods cautiously. "Yeah, that's fine."

"You sure? If you really want I can go get some bacon from the store and make you like, three strips or something to start out with." Harry offers.

Louis shakes his head. "No it's fine." He looks up into Harry's eyes. "I trust you."

Harry lifts Louis' hand to his lips and kisses it. "I love you."

He thumbs over his knuckles before turning around and pulling things out of the decent-smelling fridge. He has an assortment of things cut up already and ready to be assembled into meals.

He makes sure to drizzle honey over the top of Louis' parfait because he can and he knows Louis will love it. He hands the food to Louis in a Styrofoam bowl and plastic spoon.

Maybe he should have searched for the kitchen boxes first.

Later. He'll do it later. One step at a time.

"What time is it?" Louis accepts the food and shovels it into his mouth.

Harry thinks really hard for a minute before realizing he has no idea what time it is. He looks out the window to see that it's pitch black out. "Fuck, I dunno." He turns around to look at the microwave or oven clock, but both are blinking back with a green 12:00. "You haven't set your appliance clocks yet?"

Louis snorts. "'Cause anyone actually does that."

Harry raises an eyebrow. "I do that."

Louis looks like he has a retort at the tip of his tongue, but decidedly swallows it with his next bite of fruit.

"So... this morning. Your car." Harry really has about a thousand questions regarding the whole thing, but decides to let Louis take the route he wants with it.

Louis shrugs.

Well, any route but that one. "What were you doing, and why?"

"I thought I had to be at work." Louis says simply.

Harry wants to scoff, but he doesn't. "Why did you break your window?"

"Because I couldn't find the keys." Louis says simply.

Harry dislikes when Louis is being difficult. Or. Maybe it really was that simple in Louis' mind. "Then what? You still didn't have the keys to start your car."

Louis rolls his eyes at Harry. "That's why I was trying to hotwire it. I looked it up on Google and it just said to strip the yellow and red wires, but then I poked myself so I jumped up and that's when I hurt my forehead and- _oh!_ My phone's in my pocket." Louis shoves his hand into his pocket then clicks the button for the screen to light up. "It's... 5:30 am."

Harry just. He decides to dismiss all the information Louis' just provided him. "How about we brush our teeth, I'll get dressed, drive us somewhere fun, then we go get your window fixed?"

"Sure." Louis says.

So 30 minutes later, Harry is pulling onto a mountainside viewpoint and the sun is barely starting to make its presence known. The car is in park, and Harry grabs the pile of blankets he brought with him from the trunk. Louis is wearing one of Harry's new hoodies with a thick coat over the top and he follows Harry farther out onto the mountainside.

Harry lays a thicker blanket down on the ground and sits on it. Louis takes a seat next to him, shivering lightly, and Harry wraps the other blankets around himself and Louis.

"What are we doing here?" Louis scoots closer into Harry.

Harry wraps an arm around him. "Watching the sun rise of course."

Louis looks up at Harry. "Why?"

"Why not?" Harry kisses his forehead. "To get in touch with nature. To feel inspired. To become grounded. To appreciate beauty. To feel free... Pick one or make up your own."

Louis breathes out a laugh, a light fog escaping his mouth as he does so. "We could have done this from inside my house you know?"

"Don't be ridiculous. It's nowhere near the same effect as being above the entire city and watching the sun make its way into the sky until it shimmers over the ocean." Harry tightens the blanket around Louis to keep him warm.

"Such a romantic." Louis interlaces his fingers with Harry's free hand.

Harry gives his forehead another kiss. "Only for you."

Louis sighs at that and snuggles deeper into Harry's body. "Is this supposed to be a silent thing, or can we talk?"

Harry chuckles. "We can talk if you want. Is there something on your mind?"

Louis nods and fog stirs around his mouth as he speaks. "Can you tell me about you and Niall? Since I told you about Zayn?"

Harry's breath catches in his throat. "Yeah... What do you want to know?"

Louis shrugs. "Whatever you think is relevant. I mean, the why, when, and where are a good place to start I think."

Harry is silent for a moment to compose his thoughts. "Well. Obviously, it was when we were at my mum's for Christmas. It actually- I was trying to reset my password for Skype to call you when Niall came into my room."

"So you didn't forget about Skyping me for my birthday?" Louis tilts his head upward.

"Babe, no." Harry strokes a hand against his chilled cheek. "Absolutely not. I just- I had no idea what to do after the fact, so I just planned on talking to you when I got back because I figured there honestly wasn't anything I could do about it anyway; and I didn't hear from you for days either and didn't know what to make of that, but graced myself with the silence for some time to clear my head. You called me literally five minutes after Niall and I got home, and then I came over."

"Sorry for interrupting." Louis looks back down at Harry's lap. "So it happened in your room then?"

Harry's not sure why the details of it are important to Louis because honestly he doesn't want to know all the details of how, when, and where Louis and Zayn had sex, even though he could fit most of the puzzle pieces together if he gave it more than two seconds of his mental capacity. But it's really not something Harry cares about.

But he knows Louis is different than him.

He looks out at the purple and pinks starting to streak the sky. "Yeah. My childhood bedroom which is rather ironic really. I was... I was probably two minutes away from calling you, but Niall came into my room- my mom had gone to bed- and Niall just... had a lot of things to say about you that really weren't too nice. So I got on his case, because I love you."

Harry gives Louis' arm a squeeze. "And I asked him to leave you alone. That's when he pointed out that the only reason he's so invested in our relationship is because he's jealous of it. There were lots of things said, and I- I had a few questions for him- but it ended with him telling me that not only is he gay, but he's also in love with me and always has been. Which, looking back, it's really um- silly sounding?- I guess. But it made sense at the time and it's what I wanted to hear. So..."

"Did you- did you think of me?" Louis breathes out. "Before, during, or after?"

Harry chews on his bottom lip. "All three."

The purples and pinks in the sky start to blend with oranges and yellows. The sun's rays are only hitting parts of the land, and casting shadows on other parts of it.

"Um." Louis says timidly. "Who... who had sex with whom?"

Harry dips his nose into Louis' hair. Louis really does want to know more about it. "I was the one to initiate kissing Niall. I hoped that by doing so, I could just... get it out of my system- fulfill my unrequited first love. I figured the consequences of kissing Niall was something you could forgive. Only, kissing him was... freeing. Like, I felt 15 and frustrated and in love with my best friend, and finally could do something about it. So it kept going from there and- and..."

Jeez, this is the part that Harry hates.

Louis is silent though. Waits patiently like Harry has done many times for him.

Harry takes a breath to start again. "I just kept wanting and Niall kept giving and honestly I... _God_ , I realized I was the person to take Niall's virginity as far as guys go because he started saying things while we were having sex and it just kind of pulled me from my trance and like, I saw myself for who I was at that moment. And who I was in that moment was a 22-year-old who was in love with Louis. Not a 15-year-old who was in love with his best friend.

"That's when I realized I honestly don't want or need Niall in that way- not anymore. I was incredibly reluctant to admit that to myself because it was such an ingrained part of my identity. Like, when we met, I felt like my proper introduction should have been 'Hi, I'm Harry Styles. I go to college, play water polo, and I'm in love with my best friend.' But along the way I didn't realize that you literally changed a part of who I was."

Louis squeezes Harry's hand. "So. What happened next?"

"Well. I mean, after everything was said and done I felt completely sick to my stomach. Niall wanted to sleep in my bed with me and I just left him in my room to go sleep on the couch. I didn't talk to him the rest of the time there, and my mom figured out what happened. He tried getting me to talk to him about it and I kept refusing until you broke up with me and I-"

 _Fuck_.

Louis doesn't know that he met Zayn. Should he keep it to himself? Will it send Louis spiraling? Will it come back to bite him in the ass?

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Until you...?" Louis cranes his head up towards Harry again.

Harry now intimately understands Louis' desire to avoid difficult topics with physical touch; because quite frankly, it would be so, so easy to kiss Louis right now and avoid talking about it at all. There's the sunrise and the crisp morning and the adrenaline and memories and Harry really wants to kiss Louis.

He doesn't realize he's leaning in until Louis tucks his chin into Harry's chest. "Did you sleep with him again?"

What?

"What?" Harry feels like he's just been dunked under water after a polo game.

"You said you didn't talk to Niall until after I broke up with you; and then you gave me the same look as when I was talking to you that morning in your bedroom with the pizza, and then were going to kiss me and so I... I'm just assuming you slept with Niall again because you're not saying anything else." Louis says against his chest.

"God, Louis, no. No. I didn't sleep with him again. I actually..."

It's now or never.

"I just went and got buzzed at the bar. I uh, got in a fight and woke up in the drunk tank the next morning." Harry swallows the half-truth guilt like bile before continuing.

"So I actually walked to your house because Tony had my keys and the bar didn't open again till noon. But you weren't home- even though your car was still there- so then I went to the spa and you just... it was void of life and I thought I was going to die. So I called Kara and I heard you in the background- you had just gotten off the plane in San Diego..." Harry trails off feeling the stab of rejection and feeling lost.

"I told you not to come find me." Louis says.

"Yeah." Harry smiles sadly. "Um, so after that I walked home and I was going to find where you were- no matter what it took. But Niall- well- I honestly really needed to talk to _someone_ about everything that was going on, so it ended up with me talking to Niall, him talking me down, and consequently staying in bed for the next two and a half weeks. Anyway, it took me a long time to finally come to terms with everything and by the time I had, like I said, I just really felt like I needed to resolve things with you and at my graduation it just. It felt like the right time."

The hues have morphed into brilliant yellows and light oranges and Harry can feel the warmth from the sun. Louis has stopped shivering.

"I'm so, so sorry Harry. I'm sorry. You just have to... you have to understand. I don't feel like I can benefit anyone's life, you know? I don't feel like I'm worth being in a relationship with." Louis says.

Harry nods into his hair and places a kiss to the top of his head. "I know love. I know. It won't ever change the fact that I love you though."

"I didn't think you'd come back. I thought I was doing the right thing, and that you'd realize you were better off without me- deserved someone better than me." Louis says.

"I had a lot of time to think about all those things. Trust me, I thought of all the good, bad, and the ugly reasons for everything that happened between us." Harry says. "But for me it just kept coming back to the fact that I love you... and that I believe we belong together... because I do."

Louis is silent.

He's silent for a really long time and Harry's back is starting to get slightly sore, so he imagines Louis is feeling generally the same. Louis still hasn't made any move to speak, and though his energy doesn't seem as frenetic as other silences they've had before, it doesn't feel all the way right to Harry either.

"What's on your mind?" Harry stands up and offers a hand out to Louis.

Louis seems to startle out of his thoughts and looks away from Harry. "Nothing."

Harry takes a breath, because this isn't surprising. "Louis, I thought we were passed this."

Louis looks like he's been caught in the headlights of the Bat-Signal. "What?" He lets Harry help him stand up.

"Please don't keep things from me. I thought we were passed that." Harry picks up the blankets and heads back to the car.

Louis follows him. "I wouldn't if you weren't such a fucking hypocrite."

Harry's jaw drops at the aggressive accusation, but Louis ignores him and slams the passenger door behind him, a couple more shards of glass falling from the window as he does so.

Harry throws the blankets into the backseat and then looks at Louis who is petulantly staring out the front windshield with his arms folded.

"What the hell are you talking about?" And okay, that came out a little more hostile than Harry intended.

There's no way Louis would know about Harry meeting Zayn, so there's nothing that Louis could even accuse Harry of lying about because he's been honest with everything else.

Louis rolls his eyes and impersonates Harry. "'What the hell are you talking about?' What the hell do you think I'm fucking talking about?"

Harry audibly gasps. "Well I obviously don't know, otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"Stop acting like such a fucking saint Harry. We're all worthless shit at the end of the day." Louis says.

Harry actually laughs at this. Because really, Louis is being completely overdramatic. He decides to tell Louis as much. "You're being a diva. I kind of love and hate it when you're like this."

Louis makes a face resembling the taste of something sour. "Oh tell your optimism to can it. I'm fucking sick of it."

"Oh okay. While I'm at it, I'll go ahead and pour you a half empty glass of orange juice." Harry rolls his eyes and starts the car.

"Damn right you will. You didn't give me any this morning. You're a shit caretaker." Louis says mundanely.

Harry knows at this point, Louis really just wants to laugh, but won't. Which means he's the one in charge of easing Louis out of his bad mood. "I should just fire myself then. In fact, I'll even call Kara and have her write a formal lay-off letter for me."

"No." Louis says. "You don't even deserve that. I'll just throw your ass to the corner curb."

Harry laughs. "You're going to force me into prostitution? I thought you cared for me more than that?"

Louis shakes his head. "Nope. Watch me do it."

"You're a cold-hearted bastard Louis Tomlinson." Harry hums.

Louis purses his lips. "You love it."

Harry almost swerves into the other lane because it's what his heart feels like doing at the moment. Due to his impeccable self-control, he's able to stay focused on keeping the car straight, but it doesn't keep his heart from leaping up into his throat.

"I do." Harry says.

Harry's not stupid. Neither is Louis.

He knows there's a conversation they both purposely just swerved away from. Blatantly ignoring their problems has never helped them before, but if Harry's being honest, it's what he feels is the best option at the moment. He really doesn't want to risk Louis going on a mentally-induced trip again because he honestly has no idea how to fix those. It would require him to know what actually triggers it in the first place.

He'd rather keep Louis sane and safe.

~~~

A/N: First off, THANK YOU SO MUCH for thosesupporedt in voting for Fading Zen for the Bromance Award Wattpad Competition!!

Apparently, because I'm still a noob, I didn't realize that was voting only for the qualifying round! So now, Fading Zen has made it to the **Final Round** and I figured I would extend the same incentive this time as well! So..

**For every 5 votes, I will upload a chapter of Finding Zen!!**

Last time I counted 13 votes and did two chapter uploads!!! Huge thank you, and if those same 13 people vote, and two new people do, you can make it to three chapter uploads this time around :D

Please [tweet](http://www.twitter.com/lemonsuccubus), Kik, or Instagram me with proof <3 Username is @ LemonSuccubus

I will send out the link in a message to everyone, but here it is as well: <https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1DDvvIIVHOyp8rNdbtNpekIGdUO5IMsht1Z7ghLZQMOo/viewform>


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Thank you for all the votes!!! I had 10 when I woke up this morning, so I'll do a double update :) If 5 more people vote, we'll do a triple!!!                  

Warning: I didn't think to put this in the summary until going back through, but there is disrespectful and sacrilegious actions spoken of in this chapter.  It is not romanticized, it's simply a part of the past.  No offense is intended for any religion ever in my stories and I will not tolerate others being disrespectful of those that choose to be religious. 

Happy reading :)

-Dannie Ybarra

~~~

The week goes by much smoother, with even less kinks than the previous ones. 

Harry has devoted the majority of his time putting Louis' life back together.  All of Louis' clothes have been properly dry cleaned or washed, and his car window's been replaced.  The entire garage has been mopped and swept because Harry didn't want to risk the chance of any glass remaining.  Almost all the boxes are unpacked and Harry comes across a variety of odds and ends that he's never seen before. 

Louis' mostly just watched and 'advised', which really meant telling Harry how to move things around.  There was more than one time where Louis had Harry move the same thing from one spot to another, then back to its original place, just because he could. 

Despite the constant proximity between the two, Harry has hardly had a moment where he felt they were tripping over each other.  He's made sure that Louis has had time outside and in nature every day to remind him of the outside world. 

Since Louis' started gaining some strength and stamina back, they have integrated some light yoga into their daily routine.  Louis was extremely down when he discovered how much muscle and flexibility he had lost, and Harry gently comforted him through it. 

For Harry, it really feels very similar to the beginning of their relationship.  Lots of time spent together, lots of things still unsaid, and lots to be discovered one with another; but mainly, Harry's undying patience in waiting for their relationship to have a strong enough foundation. 

He knows Louis is healing mentally and emotionally by his increasing sense of humor and his constant surge of sexual advances.

The only hiccup that comes along with all the work is when Harry comes across a giant unmarked box.  Louis sits on the couch eating- which has quickly become his new favorite pastime- and is in the middle of telling Harry about one of his hallucinogenic trips where he thought Gary morphed into Perry the Platypus when he suddenly throws a water bottle at Harry's head.

"Ow!"  Harry releases the flaps of the cardboard box he had just cut open.  "What the hell Lou?"

Louis is off the couch and sitting his lovely ass on the box a moment later, shoving Harry's hands out of the way.  "Don't open this box!  It's not important."

Harry just gives Louis a complacent look.  "Really now?"

Louis gives him an innocent look.  "It could fall off the face of the earth and would not affect your life in the slightest."

Harry spreads Louis' legs open to access one side of the flaps.  "But how would it affect _you_ , my darling?  You have to know, I'm very interested to know what you're hiding from me now."

Louis clamps his legs shut on Harry's arms.  "No!  I'm not hiding anything.  Just- it's worthless shit.  I'll just... take it out to the trash can."

Harry pouts his bottom lip out.  "Baby, don't you trust me?"

Louis' face sneers into something a lot more serious than Harry would have expected from simple, playful banter.  "I still need to keep some things private.  I've never asked to invade on your journal."

Harry is caught off guard for a moment because he's actually really surprised that Louis remembers that conversation from so long ago.  "Right.  I'm sorry."  Harry retracts his hands from their squished place between Louis' thighs.

Louis' body goes a little limp with defeat and he runs a hand through his hair.  "Sorry- I..."  Louis kneels next to the box and slowly opens the lid.  "I'll show you."

Harry truly feels unprepared now because he was expecting a snowball's chance in hell that he'd end up learning what that box holds.  Harry flicks his eyes down into the box.  He just sees orange fabric.

Louis pulls it out and it unfolds into something that just looks like a lot more orange fabric.  It doesn't take any special form that he can place in his mind.  Lying at the bottom of the box is a pair of sandals, a satchel, and _oh_. 

A golden Buddha statue.

When Louis stands up and holds the orange cloth up to him, Harry recognizes it as the traditional Thai monk attire.  It has an odd aroma to it.

He waits for Louis to say something, because he has a lot of questions. 

Like, 'why do you own monk attire?'

"This is mine."  Louis says, still holding the cloth up to him and looking at it as if it wasn't quite tangible.

Harry, obviously, assumed as much, and bites back the plethora of snarky remarks he could make.  This is obviously a thing of importance.  "Okay."

"Like it's _mine_."  Louis repeats.

Harry gave it his best shot- he really did- but he feels he has the right to question Louis' obvious statements now that he's said it twice.  "I mean, I feel like that's kind of a given, seeing as it's in _your_ house in a box full of _your_ things that _you_ own."

"No you dolt."  Louis lowers the robes.  "Like, they're my monk robes."

Harry waits for further explanation and gives Louis a 'what do you want from me' look.

Louis is still waiting for a reaction. 

"Like, a monk you guys studied mediation with, gave them to you?"  Harry asks trying to figure out what he's not understanding.

"Yeah."  Louis says.

"I don't..."  Harry looks up at Louis.  "You're going to have to help me out here Louis, I went to India, not Thailand.  I don't get it."

Louis folds the orange cloth, and Harry thinks it's the first thing he's ever seen Louis fold.  "So when you join the school of Buddhism, they give you a kasaya.  It's actually three separate pieces.  But it's my kasaya from when I was a sramanera and well, bhikkhu."

"Sorry?"  Harry raises his eyebrows.

"I was technically still 19 when we left for Thailand, so I was considered a sramanera until I turned 20, and then I got ordained as a bhikkhu."  Louis explains like it means something to Harry.

"No back up.  I'm extremely lost."  Harry crosses his legs on the floor.

Louis places the robes back in the box.  "I told you we studied with monks in Thailand.  We learned from the ones that specialized in meditation."

"Well I mean yes, but..."  Harry doesn't even know what to ask at this point.  "What?"  Harry feels like Louis' probably having an entire conversation in his head and thinks he's been saying all of the information to Harry, when in fact, he is not.

Louis rolls his eyes.  "Zayn and I were monks.  We got monk robes.  It's what we wore like every single day basically."

Well that explains the odd aroma at least. 

 _Wait_.

"You and Zayn were monks?"  Harry squints his eyes at Louis.

Louis scoffs.  "I've told you this before."

"No you definitely haven't.  I definitely would remember this."  Harry says, racking his brain for the information he knows was not there previously.

"I said, Zayn and I studied with the monks.  In order to do that you have to join the Buddhist school that teaches you to become a monk."  Louis explains.

"Okay, because I _totally_ understood what that meant the first time you told me."  Harry chuckles.

Wait.

"Louis, you're gay."  Harry says.

Louis laughs.  "God, _wow_.  Thanks Haz!  I had _no_ idea.  Tell me more of your secrets from the universe."

"No like, aren't monks- no, monks are _definitely_ abstinent and definitely _not_ gay.  I'm really confused."  Also, as far as Harry knows, monks don't do full-moon drug parties on the beaches of Thailand.

Louis snorts.  "Yeah, and priests aren't supposed to violate altar boys, but I'm sure you've seen that happen at Mass before."  He laughs at his own joke, then adds an afterthought.  "Well, actually, probably not _at_ Mass, but you know what I mean." 

Harry sighs.  Point taken.  Corruption is anywhere and humans are imperfect.

"Did they like, know about you and Zayn though?"  Harry asks.

Louis rolls his eyes.  "Oh yeah.  They're the ones that introduced us to the group of friends that got us involved with the drugs.  The whole school that we stayed at was rather corrupt.  They had come into a large sum of money and used it to enjoy their own vices and welcome in others like themselves.  They knew what Zayn and I were; and if they didn't when they invited us in, they certainly knew after walking in on him fucking me in my kasaya time after time."

Fucking hell.  That's. 

That's _definitely_ sacrilegious or something.  And definitely not a visual Harry ever wanted to have.

Honestly, Harry is offended for the other monks out there.

"Why would you be a monk for a religion that didn't allow you to be who you are?"  Harry can't help but ask.

Louis furrows his eyebrows.  "They allowed me to be who I am."

"But like, the religion doesn't allow you to.  Like, Buddhists don't even believe in sex in the first place."  Harry also thinks he remembers Louis telling him towards the beginning of their friendship about the belief that Buddhist monks don't really eat other than to basically stay alive; and shave off all their hair and- _good hell_. 

"Did you have to shave your hair off?"  Harry is pretty sure he's going to have a heart attack.

"Yeah."  Louis shrugs.  "It would have been vain to keep it." 

Jesus, _that_.  That's almost just as sacrilegious as anything else in Harry's opinion. 

Hair is just. 

Harry could definitely never be Buddhist. 

"Wait, the picture though- the one you had at your old house and in the spa- you had hair in those."  Harry would definitely remember if there was a picture of Louis without hair.  Shit, the thought makes him nauseous.

"That was our week when we were just dinking around without any plans.  It's the only picture we ever took while we were there, because after joining the school, any worldly possessions were not allowed, which included cameras.  But towards the end, I decided on getting a Buddha statue because I wanted one."  Louis says.

"Louis."  Harry is a little more than overwhelmed and exasperated with everything.  "Louis, _why_ are you even religious?  You don't follow any of the parameters or guidelines that the religion sets up, you knowingly learned from a corrupt school of teaching; and you think it's okay to break the rules whenever you want to." 

"Because it gives me something to strive for, which I think is better than just accepting myself for the mediocre person I am!"  Louis raises his voice slightly.

Harry actually has a very vivid and _recent_ argument against Louis' point, but he'll just let it lie.  If it helps Louis believe that it makes him a better person, then Harry will go ahead and let him believe it.

It's just, out of all the time they spent getting to know each other, they talked about some of the basics about their beliefs to one another.  Harry completely respected it- he still does respect the religion as a whole- but now that he _knows_ Louis and sees how it affects him on a very deep and personal level... He just.  He wonders if it's really what's best for Louis.

Harry lies back on the floor and looks up at the ceiling.  "Thank you for telling me all of that and showing me what was in the box."

Which.  No.

The box can go to hell.

Figuratively of course.

Harry just doesn't like the baggage that comes with this particular box.  Though he supposes he can't put blame on the memories within the box.  Those experiences are what has made Louis into the person that he is today.  The person Harry loves.

But Harry definitely appreciates Louis showing him a vulnerable side of himself.  However, he thinks he probably fucked that up a bit.  He could have been calmer about the situation.  "I'm really sorry for my inappropriate remarks.  I really do appreciate you showing me a special part of your past." 

Louis huffs.  "How do you move on so quickly?  It's really infuriating.  I'm still mad."

Harry sits back up to look at Louis.  "Why are you mad love?"

Louis waves his hands in the air.  "Because you're you!  You're obnoxiously difficult and really... just really easygoing!"

Harry laughs and grabs Louis around the backs of the knees to make him collapse on top of Harry.  Louis flails on the way down, searching for something to grasp to, and ending up only holding onto Harry's body.

"Oof!"  The breath gets knocked out of Louis' chest as he lands on Harry's chest.  "What was that for?"

"Nothing."  Harry sing songs.  "Just being obnoxiously difficult."

Louis deadpans at him.  "Oh hush."

Harry smiles in return.

Louis rests his chin on Harry's sternum.  "Can I ask you a question about Hinduism?"

Harry's smile falls.  "Lou, I really don't think talking about religion has ended in a good conversation for either of us recently."

Louis shakes his head.  "No, I promise I won't get offended.  I'm honestly just curious."

Harry resigns himself to the fact that they're about to get in another tiff.  "Okay.  Shoot then."

"How does your religion feel about being gay?"  Louis draws small patterns into Harry's right pectoral muscle.

"I mean, Hinduism believes in androgynous divinities that can change gender for homoerotic purposes sooo...."  Harry trails off.

"So you're saying you believe in the superior religion because its gods approve of gays?"  Louis asks.

"Well, obviously not _every_ Hinduist chooses to believe that, but there is a sizable portion that do.  All I'm saying is Hinduism is where Kama Sutra came from, so I think it's fair to say we're superior in our appreciation of sex."  He wiggles his eyebrows at Louis.

Louis sits himself up so he's straddling Harry, and Harry props his knees up so Louis' back is leaned against them.  "Well then teach me something Oh Mighty Kama Sutra God."

Harry pokes Louis in the chest.  "None of that please.  I have physical kinks, not religious ones."  There are many things Harry is down for when it comes to kinks, but religion or defaming the sacredness of a deity is not one.

Louis leans his elbows back onto Harry's kneecaps and tries to look innocuous.  "I don't have religious kinks either."

Right, because that's exactly what it sounded like a couple minutes prior.  Harry chooses not to voice that thought and goes with a different one.  "Whatever you say Master."  Harry gives his best subservient look for the full effect.

Louis looks thoroughly amused and bites at his bottom lip as his hands trail up and down Harry's thighs.  "Don't tease me lowly peasant." 

Harry smiles until he feels the electric red pleasure shoot through his body. 

Fuck.  _Fuck_. 

Louis is rubbing and massaging at the backs of Harry's knees and he feels completely lost in the clouds.  The room feels about 20 degrees hotter, and his pants feel 20 times tighter. 

Louis keeps going at it like he doesn't know how much it actually affects Harry, because he honestly _doesn't_ understand how fucking erotic and sensitive the spot is for Harry.  Louis isn't giving much variation on the pressure, so the tingling is turning mostly into a numbing sensation. 

Harry's mouth parts open as his whole body buzzes.  He would attempt at speaking if his tongue didn't feel like it was occupying the entire space of his mouth.

When the pressure lets off, a coldness replaces the heat in his veins.  His ears are ringing and he feels like he's just been at a bass-y dubstep concert for five hours. 

Louis is at his side instead of on him, so Harry rolls to the side to curl in on himself and catch his breath. 

He feels a hand on his shoulder.  "Haz?"

Harry groans.

"Are you okay?"  Louis asks.

Harry nods into the carpet.

As the ringing in his ears goes down, the awareness of the strain in his pants grows.  He presses his palm against himself to try and relive tension.

"Haz?"  Louis asks.

"What?"  It comes out a lot breathier than Harry means for it to.

"Can I keep...?"  Louis leaves the rest of his question at the tips of his fingers that are trailing up and down Harry's thigh again.

Shit, Harry really, _really_ wants to just give in. 

Which is why he knows he can't look at Louis when he stands up and scrambles to the bathroom.

He fumbles with the lock behind him with one hand while the other one is already palming at his hard on.  The tension and just the _frustration_ that comes with Harry's boner is enough to drive him mad. 

His pants are barely pulled down and he's grabbing onto the corner of the counter for dear life as he furiously jacks himself off with his other hand over the toilet.  The wind-up was extremely quick and unexpected, and it's exactly how Harry's orgasm hits him. 

He gasps as the last of it shoots out.  Harry really actually misses the toilet for the most part, getting some on himself, some on the toilet seat, and some on the wall. 

At least he tried.

The thing is, this isn't the first time Harry or Louis have locked themselves in the bathroom to take care of an imminent problem.  The last two mornings, Harry has been waking up to Louis orgasming at his wet dreams, and Harry really doesn't have any other choice than to crawl into the bathroom to wank his morning wood into oblivion.

It's ridiculous almost. 

Ridiculous because now Harry can hear Louis moaning and jerking off in his room five feet away from Harry, and Harry could be in there doing that for him. 

But it's not ridiculous because even though there's only a thin wooden slab separating them from their sexual relationship, it helps Harry's conscience feel more satisfied in his resolve to wait a little longer with Louis.  Just because Louis has mentally had a good several days, Harry's not foolish enough to believe that a breakdown isn't coming soon.  The sex and the caretaking have to be separated for now.

He almost wishes it would just happen so that they could be one breakdown closer to having sex again.

And well, shit.  That comes off sounding extremely unprioritized in his mind, but he's still in a post-orgasmic haze, so he tries not to hold it against himself.

His cock still feels like it's thrumming in his hand as an echo to each moan Louis lets out. 

Louis, _really_ , is such an asshole.  He always makes sure Harry can hear him.  Whether he's in his room, the shower, or the bathroom, he bars no restraints on his volume.

It pisses Harry off a little.

Which of course makes him want to take action by dominating the fucking hell out of Louis.  So he instead rests his forehead against the hand that still has a death grip on the corner of the counter to take a couple deep breaths and tune out Louis' voice displaying its full tenor range. 

Louis' moans get higher pitched until Harry can vividly see Louis' orgasm face torturing him in his mind.

Then there's the comedown that Harry honestly considers his favorite part.  The part where he gets to watch Louis change from 10 gallons of sexual energy to a puddle of soft and vulnerable.  The part where Louis' eyelashes slowly flutter open and look at Harry, acknowledging that they just shared something completely unique and intimate to themselves.

Those are the moments that belong solely to Harry and Louis forever.

Harry steadies his breathing, in wonderment of how fucking much he loves Louis.

He manages to compose himself again and cleans up the mess he made.  By the time he washes his hands and unlocks the door, he succumbs to crawling into the bed with Louis. 

Harry rests his head on Louis' chest and can still hear it beating rapidly.  Harry places a hand over his heart, and Louis lays a hand on top of his. 

"I love you so much Lou."  Harry whispers.

"I love you too Hazza."  Louis whispers back.

~~~


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Here is the promised back to back update!! 5 more votes till the next one!                 

If you are not aware of the warnings for this story by now, please go back and read them in the summary before continuing.

~~~

The next day they have plans to join Kara and Hayden for dinner.

Well, not so much 'join', as Louis actually just volunteered Harry to cook.

Which is fine with Harry really.  He feels useful.  He's ran out of things to organize and clean in Louis' house, so now most of his time is filled with cooking more and more elaborate dishes.  Louis demands a plate of bacon and red peppers for every snack, but Harry makes sure that he gets a well-rounded diet.

Today, Harry decides he wants to overachieve above all of that though. 

"What the fuck Haz?  The sun's not even up yet."  Louis grumbles from his spot on his fully set up queen bed.

"We need to marinate the beef Lou.  First we have to _make_ the marinade, then we have to let it sit for six hours."  Harry is fully dressed and standing at the side of the bed.

"How about I marinate your beef instead?  I'll give you a Tabasco blow job or something."  Louis lamely tries to distract Harry.

Harry giggles.  "I think Tabasco might be a bit hot-"

"Fuck, I don't care."  Louis mumbles.  "Yoghurt or something."

"That would surely give me a yeast infection, crazy."  Harry jumps onto the bed on his hands and knees.  "What happened to you loving mornings babe?  I thought you were a morning person!"

Louis shoves his head under the pillow.  "'S because I used to have to set an example at Serenity.  'S just me and Kara now and I hate my new job."

"Well let's go over to hers and bitch about how much you hate it then.  Sound good?"  Harry removes the pillow from Louis' head.

Louis blows the unruly hair off his forehead, but it's still sticking in thousands of directions.  "No."

Harry smiles deviously and Louis seems to know what's coming next because he holds onto the headboard for dear life.

Harry envelops Louis, trying to pull him off the bed- but not hard enough to hurt him. 

"Noooooo!  What's the point in having time off if I can't sleep in?!"  Louis demands.

Harry laughs and blows a raspberry into Louis' revealed stomach. 

Louis squeals and reflexively knees Harry in the side of the face.

"Ah, fuck!"  Harry retracts his head and presses a hand to it.  His eyes water at the assault on his overly sensitive face.  However, he uses it to his advantage, and hams up the sniffling.

It's only a predictable two seconds later until Louis pokes his side.  "Shit, I'm so sorry Haz.  Are you okay?  I didn't mean to, it just-"

Harry spins on a dime and tackles Louis to the bed, rendering him useless.

"Ha!  I got you!"  Harry giggles relentlessly.

Louis squirms and laughs beneath him.  "Ugh you fucking dick!  You're so _mean_!"

Harry's fairly concerned with getting his crotch kneed since Louis is still struggling, so he decides to still him by kissing him on the lips.

Louis doesn't freeze as Harry anticipated. 

Louis reacts instantly, wrapping his arms around Harry's neck and pulling him as tightly as he can.  Harry's the one who freezes up at the familiar quickly sparked passion that he isn't prepared to deal with this early in the morning.

Before he can even finish his thoughts, Louis already has his tongue in Harry's mouth and his bitter taste is mixing with Harry's minty mouth and it's the most delectable thing Harry's ever tasted.  He's surprised over and over again with how he loves every single part of Louis.

Harry's just deciding to give in and enjoy the morning make-out when Louis decides he has other plans. 

Louis, really, reminds Harry of a mountain lion- so quick to pounce on the smallest pauses in Harry's actions.  But Harry can't really find it within himself to want anything less.

So when Louis gives him the hardest shove to the shoulder he can manage (which still wouldn't have actually moved Harry, but he won't tell Louis that), he rolls over on top of Harry.  Louis doesn't stop the assault on his mouth, and tangles his hands up in Harry's curls.  It feels absolutely phenomenal the way he tugs at the roots of his hair, giving an edgy sensation to the immense pleasure that he's feeling.

Harry's just breathing into that sensation when Louis makes his next move and nips behind his ear and all down his neck.  That interests Harry's body in a more than gratifying way, and he accidentally gasps out in pleasure.

Louis seems to take that as consent for more, because he grinds his entire body along Harry's. 

That's the moment that feels like someone's blown the whistle for the start of a polo game and Harry completely missed it.  He's struggling to keep up and figure out how to make up for a quarter that he already knows is lost.  He needs to put a stop to it.

Louis is smart and tenacious as hell though, and that's probably why he doesn't hesitate to up his game. 

Harry feels the hand sliding down his thigh and only has mere seconds to slur out.  "Jesus, Louis _please_ don't."

Louis doesn't push any further with his hand, but unlatches his lips from Harry's neck to plead into his ear.  "Please Harry.  _Please_.  I love you so much.  Please can we make love?"

Harry's brain is not in the right head at the moment to answer that question.  "Babe.  Pause.  Let's push pause for a second please."  It's the only way he'll be able to have enough time to think this through.  It's not right.  Not yet.

"Please Hazza."  Louis mumbles between bites and licks to his ear.  "I'm good, I'm fine.  We love each other.  I've missed your body so much.  I need you Haz- I _need_ you."  He emphasizes his point with another long drag of his body against Harry's.

Sparks are still fluttering barely under the surface of Harry's skin, so he forces himself to open his eyes and face the situation.  He frantically eyes the blood Zen circles on Louis' wall.  "Lou, no.  Not yet." 

"Don't you want me too?  Don't you love me?  I need to know- I need to feel it.  Please- _anything_ \- I'll do anything..."  Louis begs.

Harry heaves himself and Louis up.  "Louis, I _do_ love you!  That's why I'm doing this- you have to understand-"

Louis' eyes dart quickly for an escape, and Harry knows he's lost him. 

"Fuck you!"  Louis shoves him back down onto the bed and then darts into the bathroom.

Harry throws an arm over his face and groans.  He's honestly probably fucking this up more than if he would have just had sex with him. 

"God damn it Gary.  Why is Louis so difficult?"  Harry bemoans to the salamander.

It's another few seconds of dead silence before Harry hears the click, then vibration coming from the bathroom. 

Harry stands up to go and check on Louis because what if it's his electric razor and he's trying to hurt himself?

Louis moans out loudly.  "Oh _fuck_ yeah Harry!  God, fuck me so hard!  Hurt me please.  Hurt me like you hate me.  Fuck me like you hate me- like I hate myself.  Fuck me until it feels like I'm being fucking raped." 

Harry gives the bathroom door jamb a punch of frustration.  "Louis!  Stop!  _Please_ stop!"

"Yeah, that's just what I'll sound like and you'll keep fucking me till I bleed- oh _God_ yes Harry!"  Louis wails.

Harry raises a stern voice at the wooden bathroom door so that he can feel the vibrations of his voice back on his lips.  "Louis Tomlinson I _swear_ to _God_ I will never have sex with you again if you keep doing this to yourself."  Harry will be fucking damned if Louis' mind has warped to where he thinks any part of this is okay.  He will not be manipulated, and he will not let Louis continue burying himself in unhealthy thinking patterns.

"I fucking hate you Harry!  I hate you!"  There's a loud clatter of what Harry assumes to be the vibrator being thrown violently onto the floor, and then the frantic opening and closing of drawers and things clattering around within them.

"Hate me all you want.  Your behavior is absolutely unacceptable."  Harry reprimands through the wooden door.  "You won't find anything sharp in there.  I removed everything harmful."

Which, yes he did.  But that doesn't mean there isn't an electric razor or toxic cleaning agents he can't get creative with.  Harry just hopes he's not that desperate.

There's a loud crack of Louis kicking in the damn cabinet door again, and Harry's going to have to replace that _again_.

"Louis, _stop_ acting out physically.  It's not going to do anything but hurt you.  Are you going to keep kicking in cabinet drawers your whole life?  Or is it eventually going to escalate to you hitting me?"  Harry white knuckles his fingers into the door frame.

"You know I wouldn't ever hit you!"  Louis yells from the other side.

Harry scoffs loudly.  "Not anymore!  I have no idea what the hell you're capable of anymore."

"I wouldn't ever hit you."  Louis repeats, quieter this time.

Harry's veins are still racing with vehemence, but he knows he has to stay composed to deescalate Louis properly.  "Good..."  Harry's voice comes out stressed.  "I'm glad.  I wouldn't ever hit you or hurt you either."

"I love you Harry.  I wouldn't ever hurt you.  I love you."  Louis says.

"I love you too Louis."  Harry strains out.

"I just want you to want me Haz."  Louis says softly.

"I do- just..." He _wants_ to say 'I don't want how you are now' because he's sure Louis will take that in all the wrong ways.  "I want you Louis.  I just need a little more time, okay?" 

There.  He can blame it on himself.  There's nothing wrong with that.  It's the truth too.  Harry's the one with the hold ups.

"I know."  Louis says in a small voice.

"Are you going to come out, or do you need a few minutes?"  Harry asks.

"I need a few minutes."  Louis says.

"Kay.  I'll be in the kitchen making breakfast.  I love you."  Harry forces out.

The shower turns on, and Harry leaves to the kitchen. 

There's nothing to clean. 

He washes his hands three times and then pulls out all the food he'll need for cooking today.  He fills a reusable bag with all the spices and ingredients he'll need even though he knows Hayden and Kara will have things as simple as salt and pepper.  He just needs to keep himself doing _something_ until he can cook.

Louis finally emerges 15 minutes later and Harry is tapping his foot by the door.  The second Louis puts on his shoes, Harry shoves the breakfast smoothie into his hands and drags him down the street to Kara and Hayden's. 

He gives Hayden a rushed hello and she gives him a snide look.  He doesn't really care about formalities at the moment because he feels like he's going to explode.

Louis stands in the entryway still.  "He gets in weird moods when he has big cooking projects.  Don't take it personal."

Which, for the most part is true.  Cooking is an outlet for Harry to take control of his life by having complete control over what he eats and puts into his body.  Any time he cooks, he feels any anxiety or stress dissipate and turn into being calm and cool.  Same with cleaning really.  He gets to control his environment.  It has the same outcome as cooking.

So Harry makes a huge whirlwind of their kitchen while he unpacks and stirs and salts things left and right.  He's going a little quicker than he normally would, but he still hasn't had time to come down from this morning's events.

He's beating the croissant dough more than rolling it, when the anger finally dissipates into furious thinking and overthinking everything.

One thing strikes him harder than he's striking the flour and water mixture.

All Louis' asked for, fantasized about- hell, even _hallucinated_ about- is Harry having sex with Louis.  Louis hasn't once mentioned wanting to be in control of the sex.  For all of it, Louis has put himself as the one bottoming.

He racks his brain to try and think why the hell that is.  During their actual sexual relationship, Louis topped every time but the last time.  Harry was completely fine with it because he can go either way depending on the partner, but Louis had always seemed adamant on being in control.

Then there's the very first time Harry walked in on Louis masturbating in his shower, and again, he put Harry in charge and himself in the bottom position.  Harry never really thought much of it at the time because there wasn't anything else to go off of, but it did strike him as odd that Louis couldn't have a simple wank in the shower, and instead had to include a vibrator domming him.

Maybe it doesn't mean anything. 

But maybe it does.

Because Louis' also mentioned that Zayn always was in charge.

He's also mentioned that during his year of clubbing, he acted as the dominant as he sought after all the 'twinks that were a ghost of himself'.

Then there's the fact that Louis has a thing for being called Master. 

God, it's so obvious that there's got to be a thousand correlations that Harry should be making, but he's staring blankly at the flaky dough that he's beat to a pulp and completely ruined. 

He tosses the dough to the side and starts again.

"Whatchu doing?"  Louis hops up onto the flour mess, no doubt getting four all over his bum.

"Making a new batch.  I ruined that one."  Harry explains as he heats up more milk on the stove.

Louis shoves a handful of dough into his mouth.  "Tastes fine to me." 

For hating being compared to a child, Louis sure acts an awful lot like one sometimes without even knowing.

"Do you need a snack?"  Harry asks, already pulling out a red pepper.

"Nope.  I can just munch on this while you cook."  Louis says sticking another handful into his mouth.

"Eating the raw eggs and yeast will give you a stomach ache.  If I cut you a pepper, will you eat it?"  Harry says, trying not to sound too parental, but already cutting up the vegetable.

"Sure."  Louis says like it costs nothing.

Harry hands him a plate of the snack.  "I'm going to need that space in just a moment for the next batch.  Could you move like, a foot over?"

"You knead the space?"  Louis wiggles his eyebrows.  "Get it?  Knead?  Like, with a k?" 

Harry smiles much too fondly and gives Louis a peck on the lips.  "Shoulda been a comedian babe."

Louis smirks happily that he was able to steal a kiss and hops off the counter with his plate of peppers.  "You're making a mess by the way.  I've never seen someone so outwardly express their inner stress."  Louis comments lightly and gives a pop of his white dusted bum on his way out of the kitchen.

Louis Fucking Tomlinson.

Harry can't wipe the stupid grin from his face.

At least until his milk starts simmering. 

"Fuck!"  He rushes over to take it off the stove.

Okay, back to cooking.

It takes another couple minutes of Harry smiling at eggs and butter until he calms his endorphins enough to have a proper mental conversation again.

He has the dough under his hands again and kneads it carefully.

Louis always felt like he was in a lesser position of power when juxtaposed with Zayn.  He also trusted Zayn.  He thinks that's a pretty clear correlation of why their sexual relationship panned out the way it did.

The guys from the club.  Louis felt like he was the one in a higher position of power over them.  He didn't trust any of them as far as Harry knows.

Then there's Harry. 

The very first vibrator incident makes Harry cross off the trust correlation from his hypotheses; because if that were the case, that would mean Louis trusted Harry enough after knowing him for a week to let himself fantasize about Harry fucking him.

Harry cautiously folds the dough in on itself.  He's missing something.

He missed the part about Louis feeling like he was in a lesser position of power over Zayn.

It feels closer.  It's like his brain is humming.  It's just...

Louis didn't necessarily feel like he was in a lesser position of power over Harry after just a week.  At least Harry wouldn't think so.

Harry's hands hover over the pile of dough.

It's helplessness.

Louis felt helpless when compared to Zayn.  He felt powerful when compared to the club boys.  He felt helpless when he first met Harry.

Yes, Louis trusted Zayn, but that didn't mean Zayn would ever let him switch positions in who was sexually dominant.

Louis thought his relationship with Harry would end like it did with Zayn, which is why he immediately put himself in the position of helplessness.  It was months and months of relationship building until Louis trusted _himself_ enough to be in control of himself. 

It's not about Louis' partners at all.  It's about Louis. 

Louis feeling control (or lack thereof) over his life.

He essentially felt helpless in his relationship with Zayn.

Louis felt completely trusting of himself and in control with the fuckless faces from the clubs.  He had nothing to feel helpless over.

Spending a long time with Harry as a friend eventually gave him a confidence that wasn't there before.  Harry letting Louis take things at his own pace, and letting him feel free to do things or ask for things.  Letting Harry know that he likes being addressed as Master- someone who is in control over themselves and their life.

Then the one time Harry did make love to him, it was also about trust.  Louis trusted himself enough to not only have sex with Harry, but also give himself to Harry.  Harry thinks that was probably the pinnacle of Louis' sexual and mental health.

It can be a blurry line though.

All Louis' been doing in his brain the last several months is tell himself he's helpless and fantasizing about Harry fucking him.  Or according to this morning's vulgar and horrible scene, Harry raping him.

He supposes it's not such a blurry line.

It just depends on Louis' mental psyche.  Determining whether it's helplessness or trust facilitating his actions.

Harry methodically arranges the croissants and puts them into the refrigerator.  He stares at the marinating beef.

All this information, but he's still not quite sure what to do with it.

So he makes the sauce for the meat.  Because he can.  He's in control of-

Well shit.

He needs to give Louis control of things again.  Move his mentality from that of helplessness to one of control.

It's honestly as easy as that.

Or so Harry hopes.

He could actually be so 10,000 miles off from what the problem is.  But it certainly makes a lot of sense.

He even hates his current job, which consists of not managing (or controlling) other people. 

Harry wonders if Louis is even aware of half this information.

He takes a breath and keeps cooking.

~~~

It's been a long fucking day.

Harry is just as mentally exhausted as physically.  The kitchen has been hot and he's been pulling things in and out of fridges and ovens and switching pans for hours now.

So it feels incredibly gratifying when the four of them are sitting around the dinner table and there's croissants, salad, beef bourguignon, and baked Alaska sitting in front of them.

"Harry this look absolutely amazing!"  Kara praises.

Hayden purses her lips in agreement.  "I have to concur.  I always thought Louis was exaggerating, but you do make portrait perfect food."

Louis beams with pride.

"Oh hush.  You're not allowed to say anything about it until you try it."  Harry blushes.

"Well then what are we waiting for?"  Hayden jokes.

"We have to wait for Haz to do his Catholic prayer first."  Louis speaks up.

Which, okay.

Not that Harry isn't grateful for this meal.  He just isn't one to come into a guest's house and impose any kind of religious displays to them.  It was different at Louis' because Louis' house was basically his second house and it's a once in a while thing where he'll pray to the big man upstairs.

Like, he hasn't done it once since being in California with Louis, so he has no fucking clue why Louis decided to bring it up now.

"No, don't even worry about it."  Harry quickly rushes out.

Hayden squints her eyes.  "I thought you were-"

Kara holds up her hands and waves them out.  "It's fine babe.  It's fine.  Here, I'll- I grew up Catholic.  I'll offer grace."  She smiles diplomatically at Hayden.

Hayden looks like a fish out of water but shrugs anyway. 

"Is that okay Harry?"  Kara asks.

Harry shrugs.

Louis smiles proudly.

They all hold hands around the table and Kara offers a short grace, thanking God for the food, happiness, and health.

They all say amen and there's a small awkward silence.

Well awkward for everyone but Louis.  He looks like he's just won a giant pink stuffed dolphin from the carnival.

Kara clears her throat.  "So, Harry.  How are... things?"

It's a really poor diversion, but it's something.  "Good.  Really good.  Just, been cooking a lot."  He says a little rhetorically because Kara and Hayden have known what Harry's done every single day since he's arrived.  "How was work?"  He picks up his fork to start enjoying the food.

"It was good. I'm on top of everything, so it's all good."  Kara nods enthusiastically.

Harry really does have good social skills.  But right now, everything is leaving him.

Hayden takes the liberty of speaking up.  "So the Harley is just an appearance thing then?  Because you're the farthest thing from hardcore I've ever known."  She has a small smile teasing the corners of her lips.

Harry breathes a large sigh of relief and grins back at her.  "The Harley's like a childhood dream thing.  I always thought they were _so_ cool.  Plus it was only an extra five years on the payment plan- this year being my last, and what is five years in the grand scheme of things?"

Hayden nods approvingly.  "True.  Five years is nothing, huh babe?"  Hayden nudges Kara. 

Kara smiles brightly at her plate of food.  "Flies by."

"I've always wanted a Harley."  Hayden continues on.  "But since I've been with Kara, she's banned me from ever getting one."

Kara rolls her eyes.  "Maybe because I don't want to get a call from the hospital one day saying they've scraped your remains from the roadside."

"I'd wear a helmet.  And you know I've got enough leather to keep my body covered."  She shoots a wink at Kara.

Harry and Louis simultaneously cover their ears. 

Louis squeezes his eyes shut too for dramatic purposes.  "Too much information Hay!  Did _not_ want to know that!"

Hayden throws a piece of croissant at Louis.  "I have heard _so_ fucking much about your sex life, so get over it.  If I want to mention that I have a stockpile of leather at the dinner table in _my_ house, I very well will."

"Hey, don't throw the croissant!  That was the second hardest thing to make."  Harry complains.

Hayden lights up and Kara sighs.  Hayden rips off another piece of croissant and throws it at Harry.  Harry responds by catching the bread with his mouth and they both laugh.

Louis joins in next by throwing another torn off piece of bread at Harry.  Harry skillfully catches that too because he will _not_ let his croissants get wasted _thankyouverymuch_.

Louis giggles when Hayden does it again. 

It turns into a croissant chucking party, with Harry's mouth as the target.  Kara joins in, and Harry's been successful in catching every piece with his mouth or hands.  That is, until Louis throws an entire croissant at Harry, laughing manically.

Harry takes a bite of the roll and throws it back at Louis. 

Then he's being assaulted by more golden, flaky bits from Kara and Hayden.

He holds his hands up in defeat.  "Okay, okay!  I give up!  And I've eaten the equivalent of like four rolls now."

"You know there's no way we're going to eat all of this, right?"  Louis nods to the table crammed full of food.

"Skip the salad then.  Salads are worthless anyway."  Hayden says.

"Hayden!  Harry spent a long time on that salad."  Kara chastises.

Hayden looks a little humbled.  "It's just salad."  She mumbles.

Harry laughs.  "It's fine.  Skip the salad.  I'll just make Louis eat it tomorrow for breakfast, lunch, and dinner."

"No!"  Louis dramatically wails.  "I hate normal salad.  You can do the cooked one again though.  Weird as fuck, but it tastes better."

Harry reaches over to brush a flake of croissant from Louis' shirt.  "Okay.  No salad for you tomorrow.  I'll make you whatever you want."

Louis smiles brightly.  "Can I have bacon and pancakes for every meal?"

God no!  _No_.  Not in a thousand years.  Never.

Harry grits a smile through his teeth, remembering his earlier conversation with himself about giving Louis control.  "Yeah.  Of course."

Louis flings his napkin into the air.  "Yes!  Thank God I can have bacon again!"

Hayden and Kara laugh behind their mouthfuls of food.

"Harry, the French beef shit is really good."  Hayden compliments.  "Does anyone want a glass of red with it?"

"Ooh!  Good idea babe!  I could go for one."  Kara says.

Hayden looks to Louis.  "Louis?"

Louis looks at Harry.

Louis hasn't actually drank since the morning after Harry's arrival.  Harry hasn't ever said no.  But Louis hasn't asked. 

There also has been a purposeful vacancy of alcohol in the fridge.  Harry doesn't want Louis drinking if it's one of the triggers to his cutting.

Harry thinks he's silently asking for permission or guidance. 

He takes a breath.  "Whatever you want babe."

That's obviously not the response Louis wants.  "Are you going to have one?"

"I will if you do."  Harry decides.  He needs to leave the decision up to Louis. 

It seems that's hit the dead end in Louis' mind.  So he flat out asks Harry this time.  "Should I?"

Harry's aware that Kara and Hayden are staring intently at him right now.  There's panic exuding from Kara, and Hayden looks like she feels bad for bringing up a soft spot.

Harry licks his lips trying to think of the right tactful wording.  "If you feel like you can handle it."

Louis stares fixedly at Harry for a few moments before turning his attention to Hayden.  "Yeah, I'll take a half glass."

Harry is worried as hell, but he can't show it.  He needs to let Louis feel confident in his decisions.

Hayden stands from her chair.  "Same for you then Harry?"

"That'd be great.  Thanks."  Harry says.

Louis looks nervous, so Harry grabs his hand under the table to hold for a minute.  Louis looks up at him with his gorgeous blue eyes, surer than before. 

Louis' skin and hair have started getting more lush the last couple days in particular.  The color is starting to show through his skin a little more, and the bags under his eyes aren't a deep purple like they used to be.

He still looks like the wind could break him in half, but it's a start.

Harry mouths an 'I love you' to Louis.

Louis smiles and mouths it back.

So Harry blows him a kiss.

Louis laughs and rolls his eyes.

Hayden returns with four glasses.  They toast to friendship, and enjoy a relaxed rest of the dinner.

~~~

After dinner, Harry and Louis walk back to Louis' house hand-in-hand and with a couple pounds of leftover food.

The sun is down and the streetlights are on.  The pollutions creates a blanket from the midnight sky and reflects back the lights of the city, making the town feel like twilight.

Louis' clinging a little closer than normal onto Harry's hand, but makes light of it by swinging their hands back and forth dramatically.

Harry wants to give in to the easy and romantic vibe he's feeling with Louis right now, but there's really some things he wants to address first.  He feels bad because he feels like he's always the one ruining the mood.

Harry watches the cracks in the sidewalk pass by under his feet and he takes a breath.  "About this morning-"

Louis stops and looks him in the eyes.  "Haz, please don't.  Not right now."

"We have to talk about it sometime."  Harry says feeling a stab of guilt for bringing it up in the first place.

Louis looks up and down every part of Harry, but won't meet his eyes.  "You'll tell me I have problems and need to change my thinking.  I'll listen along the whole time like I always do, and try to do better like I always do.  I'll mess up again in another day or week and we'll have the same situation happen and the same conversation over again.  Repeat." 

Harry drops the bag of food to the ground so he can hug Louis.  "Louis, I love you.  I just want you to love yourself as much as I love you.  The things from this morning- I would never- I just... I want you to treat yourself the way I would treat you."

Louis mulls that over in his mind for a minute before nodding into Harry's chest.  "I can try that."

"Kay."  Harry presses a kiss to his forehead.  "You're the most precious thing in this world to me.  I don't like seeing you being treated so cruelly.  Even if you're the one not treating yourself right.  It hurts me."

"I'm sorry."  Louis says.

There's a lot more that Harry could- hell, _wants_ \- to get into and say to Louis tonight.  But he thinks he should probably let it lie while things are in a good place.

One step at a time.

Harry pulls away to look at Louis.  "You're amazing love.  I adore you so much." 

Louis lifts himself onto his tiptoes to give Harry an experimental kiss.

Harry returns it lightly, and Louis pulls away, satisfied.  "I love you too."

"Let's go home, yeah?"  Harry picks the bag of food back up.

"Let's."  Louis agrees.

~~~


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: You guys have been so good to me!  I've counted 17 votes so far!! 3 more votes for another chapter upload- make sure to tweet or KIK me with proof :)

I forgot to mention earlier, but if you still haven't voted for me in the Bromance Awards and plan to, drop a vote for [LouisTwinklinson](https://www.wattpad.com/user/LouisTwinklinson) 's stories as well because she definitely deserves it ;)

Love you guys and I appreciate so much the kudos and comments on each chapter. You make my day and I'm so happy to share my works with you <3

-Dannie Ybarra

~~~

They're making breakfast after their morning yoga session when Louis hops on the counter and his hips knock Harry's bowl of pancake mix to the floor.

"Whoops."  Louis hides his grin.  "Sorry."

"Sorry my ass."  Harry rolls his eyes.  "You're the one who has to suffer by waiting longer."

"I have you in the meantime, and that's all I really need innit?"  Louis muses.

Harry gives Louis a kiss to the nose because that was pretty damn adorable and Louis wraps his legs around Harry's torso.  It doesn't feel sexual though.

"What's up babe?"  Harry holds Louis' hands to let him know he won't try and leave.

"I've been thinking a lot about last night."  Louis says.

"Okay?"  Harry rubs small circles into Louis' hand.

"About what Kara said regarding Hayden getting a motorcycle..."  Louis trails off. 

Harry thinks he knows where this is going because he's had the exact same conversation a thousand times with his mom when asking her to co-sign on the title with him.  "Yes, and I can see why that's a common worry.  However I've had my bike for five years now, completely incident free.  I'm as safe as I can be.  I'm not reckless.  I'll wear bright colors if you're that concerned."

Louis continues on, undeterred.  "Well, yes all that stuff.  But I also was thinking about what you said to me too.  After dinner and stuff."

"What about it?"  Harry asks.

"Well you're the most precious thing in the world to me too.  I want you to be safe.  And if you die, I want to die with you."  Louis says like it's a normal thing to say.

This definitely isn't going the direction Harry expected.

"...Okay?"  Harry's still half waiting for the part where Louis asks him to sell his bike.

"Well I was thinking."  Louis drags it out.

Harry's more than a little concerned now.

He nods slowly to encourage Louis to continue.

"I was thinking."  Louis announces like it's final this time.  "I'm going to buy you a car and you drive that unless I'm going with you, then we can take the motorcycle so we die together."

Harry blinks.

He _thinks_ he knows what Louis just tried to say. 

But he thinks he really doesn't.

"What?"  Harry asks.

"What kind of car do you want?  I just want you to have the option of being safe.  You still _can_ ride your bike places... but like, this way I won't feel like there's something more I could have done if you die in an accident when I'm not there."  Louis says.

"Let's..." Harry says lightly, "...revisit that idea later, yes?  I've only been driving in your Veloster in the mean time anyway, so..." 

Harry really hopes that will satiate Louis' newfound goal for a little while.

"Okay."  Louis chirps.

"Okay."  Harry repeats, not really processing the conversation they just had.  "Is that all that was on your mind?"

"Yes.  But you still didn't tell me what kind of car you want."  Louis says.

Harry wouldn't say 'I don't want a car' because he _does_ want one.  But he doesn't want one because that's a car payment, insurance, licensing, registration- and Louis wants to buy him a fucking _car_ for God's sake.

"Louis you can't buy me a car."  Harry voices his thoughts.

"We'll see about that."  Louis tries to pull a face of mystery, but it mostly looks like he's being blinded by a spotlight.

"Sure babe."  Harry chuckles.  "So what do you want to do today?"

"Can we go to the beach?"  Louis asks.

"Of course!"  Harry measures out ingredients for the new batter.  "Blueberries, or chocolate chips?"

Harry and Louis look at each other and speak at the same time.  "Chocolate chips."

Louis jumps from the counter and into Harry's arms. 

Harry nuzzles his nose.  "You're my chocolate chip."

Louis scrunches up his nose.  "Oh my goodness, _no_."

"Oh my goodness, _yes_."  Harry coos out.

"No."  Louis argues.

"Yes."  Harry smiles, trying to see where he can take this.

"No!"  Louis slits his eyes.

"Do you want to kiss me?"  Harry knows he's already won.

Except Louis snubs his nose in the air.  "No."

"Lies and slander!"  Harry blows a raspberry into the side of Louis' neck.

Louis shrieks.  "No!  No!  Definitely no!"

"Then say you want to kiss me."  Harry threatens with his lips against his neck again.

Louis sulks for the three seconds it takes him to respond dejectedly.  "Yes."

"Okay.  No more raspberries.  But I think you owe me that kiss now."  Harry says.

"I think you're not the boss of me.  I get to choose when we kiss."  Louis demands, still wrapped closely in Harry's arms.

Harry quirks an eyebrow.  So the ball is now in Louis' court.  "Whatever you say."

Louis ducks out of Harry's arms and sprawls over the counter again.  "Good.  Now make me chocolate chip pancakes."

Harry does as requested, smiling the entire time.

~~~

Harry already has a head full of sand by the time he and Louis make it to the beach front, due to Louis jumping on his back and demanding a ride.  The beach is occupied by children and their mothers, but not too many since it's still the morning. 

Harry's wearing his new striped swim shorts that Louis bought for him at Target, and Louis is wearing the black pair he used to wear every Saturday for their post-polo pool time. 

It makes Harry nostalgic in both the happy and sad way.  For one, it definitely felt like it was easier times between himself and Louis; but on the other hand, there was the anticipation of their physical relationship that accompanied each weekend.

For Harry, it's always been a mad physical attraction to Louis.  Not only that, but he loves watching the way Louis reacts to him. 

With both of Harry's group of friends from college, he always just fit in.  There wasn't anything particularly unique or special about him except for the fact that he fancied men (which was obviously something nobody but Niall and Miguel on the polo team knew about); but even in his younger partying days, he had a couple of guy friends who were bisexual too.

But with Louis, Harry feels unique and special. 

It was when they first went for sushi when it really hit Harry the kind of person that Louis was, and Harry took his mind less from the path of 'how quickly can I get him to bed?' to wanting to know him as a person more.  He realized then that Louis wasn't someone to be toyed with.

Since then, Harry's done everything he can to help Louis feel unique and special too.

As it were, Louis has dragged him to the ground again, completely covering the towel and beach bag in sand.

"Harold, I think you need to start weight lifting if you can't do something as simple as carry me."  Louis sits petulantly on the ground.

"I think if you had a little more patience and held on without treating me like a racehorse, we'd probably be able to get there a little more incident free."  Harry turns around to shake off the towel again and loose sand flies everywhere.

"I can't help it if I like riding you."  Louis baits from behind him.

Harry really doesn't want to turn around now because Louis is topless and talking about riding him, and expects Harry to not maul him into the sand. 

He calmly breathes out through his nose because it's going to be a long day of battling Louis' constant sexual invitations.  He idly wonders if he was like this with Zayn.  In some ways, Louis has opened up a lot more to Harry.  But in other ways, his 'openness' seems like his defense mechanism. 

God, Harry should have gone into psychology. 

Or maybe just get a less complex love interest.

No.  That's definitely not an option.

Harry sighs.  "You've never even ridden me." 

Nope.  That was definitely the wrong things to say.  Harry already knows what's coming next.

"Then I think it's about time we change that, don't you think?"  Harry doesn't even have to turn around to know the face Louis is making.

But he does, and sees Louis leaning backward with open legs obscenely in the sand.

"Fuck, Louis."  Harry throws the towel back into the sand.  "If you really expect for me to not instigate kissing you, you're going to need to give me a break, not make it harder for me." 

"Oh I'll make it harder for you.  Don't even worry."  Louis licks his lips.

Fuck.

"Louis."  Harry warns.

" _Harry_."  Louis mimics.  "Take a hint and get down here."  Louis demands.

Harry rolls his eyes then drops to his knees.  As much as he wants to straddle Louis, he thinks it would be terribly inappropriate for a setting in which there are children, so he just shuffles to his side instead.

"You know if you want to kiss me, you could just ask.  Or... I don't know... _kiss_ me."  Harry leans down to give him a peck on the lips.  "You don't have to tease me."

Louis' face falls.  Not into anything resembling sadness.  But more like he's just thought about the situation objectively and understood what Harry is saying for the first time.

Harry decides to take a shot in the dark, because they normally get him somewhere with Louis.  "You know I'm Harry.  Like, Harry and Louis.  I'm not like Zayn.  We're equals in this relationship."

Louis' look confirms Harry's assumption.

"I love you regardless of how you act, but I just want you to know you can just ask for things.  We can talk and communicate about what we want, you know?"  It's not something they were really the best at when they started having sex.  Most things went unsaid and a lot of things insinuated.  Harry wants to make it different this time though.  Different so that they're on the same page.

Also, so Harry doesn't accidently mistake Louis for the type of person that likes a little breath play during sex.

Or call him daddy.

He had valid reasons for assuming both points though.  He regrets nothing.

Well, he doesn't regret the daddy thing.  He knows Louis will be into it once he gets over his weird aversion to attaching it to a child-like thing. 

The breath play thing... he definitely should have asked first.

But it furthers his point.  Communication this time around will make all the difference.

"Yeah.  I know."  Louis says.  "It's just... different."

"I know love."  Harry strokes along his It Is What It Is tattoo.  "I'm so proud of how far you've come already with talking about things."

Which, yes.  They may have been under questionable circumstances.  But at least Louis has been much more open.

"Oh, well yes that."  Louis turns his head towards Harry.  "I meant like, my brain.  It's different.  Like, it's hard to sort things and section them apart.  It's not like I forget that I'm with you, but I forget that I'm with _you_." 

Oh. 

"Wait, what?"  Harry wishes he had a nickel for every time Louis does this to him.  "You literally just made your point by contradicting it."

"Exactly.  I wish you could see in my brain sometimes."  Louis says.

Harry tries not to snort.  "You're not the only one."

"I just mean like, there's different... versions of me.  You met the Serenity Spa version of me, which isn't bad, but like, I'm not there anymore and I'm a different person now.  I'm like, a California Corporate version of me now.  Or well, I used to be.  That's even been changing since you showed up."  Louis explains.

"So you feel like you start over and become a different version of yourself anywhere you go?"  Harry asks.

"Kind of.  That's kind of why I came here too.  Because the Serenity Spa me wasn't good enough.  But neither is the California Corporate version.  They're both shitty."  Louis picks up piles of sand with his hand, then lets it funnel back onto the beach.

"Neither are shitty love.  I fell in love with the Serenity Spa you, and I love the you that you are here too."  Harry scoops up a little bit of sand and watches as it trickles into the divots of Louis' collarbone.  "What do you need to make yourself good enough?"

Louis looks pointedly at Harry like he already has the answer, but then shuts his mouth.

Louis claps his hands together across his stomach, then his eyelashes brush the top of his eyebrows as he looks back up at Harry.  "I need to find my Zen again.  But in a healthy way that involves you too.  I tried to talk myself into thinking I had found Zen whilst working at Serenity, but I knew I was always missing something- you being that something.  But I also wasn't quite ready to handle balancing you into my life as well, so it just went... wrong."

"So do you feel like you can balance me into your life this time?"  Harry asks.  His phone vibrates in his short pocket.  He furrows an eyebrow but ignores it.

"I want to."  Louis says.  "And I... I want you to know I'm embarrassed of when I can't get it together.  I appreciate that you don't hold it against me.  I really do want to have control over myself like how you do.  It's just hard for me to handle when you're thrown into the situation."  Then Louis sits up and rushes out.  "Not that it's your fault- it's mine, totally mine.  Just, I've realized how much I still have to learn when it comes to who I am."

Harry nods in understanding.  "Thank you for telling me all that.  I know you can do it.  It's okay if it takes time.  Hell, I'm still figuring out who I am in some ways.  We always have things to learn."  Harry sticks his hand in his pocket to decline the incoming call again.  "And if at the end of all this- when we get you to a healthier state of mind, I can leave if I'm not what you want."

Louis shakes his head.  "I'll still want you.  I've always wanted you from the moment I laid eyes on you and realized you weren't going to burglarize my spa."

Harry laughs heartily.  "Me too love."  He leans down to give Louis a soft kiss on the lips.

His phone vibrates again. 

He huffs into the kiss.  "God damn it.  Hang on.  Someone's being an inconsiderate arse."

Louis props himself up onto his elbows.  "What?"

Harry pulls out his phone.

**Incoming call: Mom**

"Shit, it's my mom.  Hang on."  Harry moves to stand up, but Louis grabs his arm and glares at him.

Okay, he'll stay right here then.

Harry sits back down in the sand and answers.  "Hel-"

_"Harry Edward Styles."_

Shit, shit, shit.  What did he do?  He didn't miss a motorcycle payment.  He didn't miss rent.  His mom knows where he is.  Fuck, what did he do?

"Hello to you too mom."  Harry tries to lighten her mood.

_"Anything you forgot to tell me?"_

His bong is with Miguel, so no actually.  Harry's told his mom everything she needs to know.

"I don't know, Meeko is allergic to strawberries?"  Harry says.  It's always been a suspicion of his. 

Louis gives him a 'what the fuck' expression.  Harry shrugs.

_"About Louis."_

Harry and Louis meet each other's gaze, Harry feeling his stomach drop.  Louis promptly sits up and leans in closer.  Apparently he can hear.

"Oh sure.  There's plenty I haven't told you.  I just figured you didn't really want to know what he liked in bed, but if you're that interested, I'm happy to oblige."  He's always been really open with his mom, so it was supposed to be funny since it's something she would playfully reprimand him for.  Only the humor seems to be lost on her this time.

Apparently it's lost from Louis too, as he gives Harry a smack to the arm.

Harry turns down the volume a few clicks.  That earns him another smack from Louis.

Harry throws out a hand and mouths 'what?'.

Louis points to the phone and motions for him to turn the volume back up.

_"Harry, don't you dare be crass with your mother right now.  If you're going to be immature about it, I should let you know I just had a long talk with Niall."_

Ah shit.

"Oh how's that going?  Now that he's available, is he finally making a proper woman out of you?"  Harry teases.

Louis is glaring at him with so much venom, that Harry thinks he might incinerate into a hundred tiny pieces. 

Harry covers the phone speaker.  "Stop glaring, I didn't do anything."

Louis softens his glare down to something that is more in the realm of sassy.

Harry blows him a kiss.

Louis leans forward to give him a peck on the lips.

_"Niall has a lot of interesting things to say about Louis."_

Louis sinks his teeth into Harry's bottom lip in a move of aggression rather than passion and it makes Harry yelp.

_"What's going on?  Are you with him right now?  I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you Harry.  I'm worried sick about you, but mostly angry."_

Harry glares at Louis, who still has his teeth sunk into Harry's bottom lip.  Louis gives him an 'I dare you to move away' look and Harry rolls his eyes, trying to keep his voice as normal as possible.

"Why are you angry mum?  I'm fine.  Everything's good between us.  I told you I'm just here helping him settle in.  He treats me great when he's not biting me."  Harry gives Louis a glare and Louis releases his bottom lip.

Harry rubs at it, then licks it for good measure.  Louis scoots closer to him.

_"Honey, please try and be serious.  I'm still your mom and in charge of having these kinds of conversations with you whether you're 10 years old or 20."_

"I am serious!  What are you on about?"  Harry is starting to get worked up.

_"You never told me Louis uses illicit drugs!"_

Louis' face goes stoic and Harry just smiles because this is an easy one to doge.

"Yeah, newsflash, I do too.  It's not a big deal."  Harry plays it off.

_"I'm not talking about marijuana Harry.  I'm talking about MDMA.  I don't want you in that environment!  What if he gets caught?  You'll be arrested with a record too, and how is that supposed to help you get a job?  Or is that the reason you haven't gotten one yet?  Have you already been convicted over this?"_

Harry takes a breath to prevent wanting to drive back to Phoenix to brain Niall.  "No mom, Louis doesn't even do drugs anymore.  That's all in his past.  I've never been involved in it."

Which is mostly true.  There were just the two times that Harry had ever seen Louis high.  Even so, high Louis is probably one of the safest environments he could be in.  All Louis does is touch fuzzy things and talk until his mouth runs dry.  Harry has been in much sketchier situations.

_"So what about the job then?  Is it the record from that night you got into a fight with his ex-boyfriend then thrown in the drunk tank?  Don't think I don't know about that because I do.  Louis is leading you to bad behavior."_

He's definitely agitated because that's so far from the truth.  "Oh my God, I already told you Niall is just jealous of Louis.  He has been the whole time, so you really shouldn't take what he has to say into consideration.  I find it inconsiderate that he would come talk to you anyway.  I haven't heard from him in fucking months."

_"You may be grown up now and making your own lifestyle decisions, but I still do not want to hear you taking the Lord's name in vain or using foul language."_

Louis looks at Harry like he's just shaved all his hair off and declared he's joining the Colombia Record Club.

"Sorry."  Harry grits his teeth, trying to keep from getting aggravated again.  "I dunno.  I'm... working on the job thing." 

Which is a lie.  He knows he needs to.  But he figured he'd start looking once Louis started work.  Shit he has a lot to work out now.

_"Harry, you've been there for almost two weeks.  How are you paying for your hotel?"_

Harry lies back into the sand because he already knows how this conversation is going to go.  "I'm staying with Louis.  I'm not paying him because he's a kind hearted person who loves me.  I cook for him in return."

 _"You're_ staying _with him?  You're putting yourself in danger to be with him!  He could have any one of his drug lords show up at the house and put you both in terrible danger.  Don't mind the fact that you're mooching.  Oh!  And let's not forget about the stability of your relationship!  You could be kicked out at a moments notice.  Harry, I can't believe you don't have the common sense to-"_

"Stop!"  Harry raises his voice.  "Stop making judgements that you know nothing about.  You don't even _know_ him."

 _"And why is that Harry?  I think it's because you're hiding something you know is wrong.  I feel so sad for you that you were blinded with rose colored glasses at the beginning of the relationship.  But_ now _... after Niall has told me all the parts you conveniently didn't tell me... Quite frankly, I'm shocked Harry.  I don't blame you one bit for what you did with Niall because anybody in that kind of relationship would have done the same thing.  I don't like you being with him."_

Harry keeps telling himself not to get angry.  He tells himself over and over and over again.

"Anything else?"  He says icily. 

At least he's not yelling.

_"I just hoped that the boy your father and I raised would know better.  Maybe he's not into drugs anymore, and maybe he's blinding you with lust right now, but remember that those things don't last forever.  Druggies always will crave what they can't have and lust fades quicker than your youth.  I just hoped you'd be smarter than this Harry."_

"Thanks mom."  Harry says numbly.

_"I hope I've given you some things to think about and I definitely hope that you have enough sense to do something about it."_

"I have to go."  Harry closes his eyes.

_"Bye honey, I love you."_

"Bye."  Harry hangs up.

Harry doesn't want to move from this spot.  The icy winds of responsibility were just unfairly infused through every bone in his body because even though his mom might be overreacting, he knows there's truth in everything she said.

He hates this.

He digs his fists into his eyes to try and let it all go.  He'll get to it.  He just needs to take a step at a time with Louis.  If he's getting a job here, that means committing to stay here.  It means he either has to commit and say 'hey, I'm moving out and getting my own job' or 'hey, I'm getting a job and staying with you so we can start our life together.'

Both scare the hell out of Harry.

"Louis?"  He asks to the dark void behind his eyelids.  "Can I be honest with you?"

"I _don't know_.  _Can_ you?"  Louis seethes from next to him.

Harry sits up, surprised by the sudden hostility.  "Fuck, from you too?  Why can't anybody have a normal fucking conversation anymore?"

"Because I have to find out that you got in a fight with _Zayn_ through your _mom_ who heard it from _Niall_!  Under what circumstances does that facilitate a cordial conversation?"  Louis fumes.  "Are you fucking kidding me?  I cannot _believe_ you!"

And there's really no point anymore.  He could yell and get frustrated, but he's realized it gets him nowhere with Louis.

"Yes, I did my best to beat the shit out of Zayn.  I ran into him at a bar ironically enough.  Both of us freshly dumped by you.  I had half a brain to fuck him until I realized we were talking about being dumped by the same boy within probably minutes of each other.  Then I punched him until he tackled my drunk ass and got me thrown in jail.  I swear to God, I would have killed him if I was sober enough.  One of the proudest evenings of my life really and I don't regret a fucking thing."

Harry... did not mean to say it like that. 

But.  It's out there now.  There's no use in trying to take it back.

Louis stays deathly silent for a long time.

Any trace of emotion evaporates from his face and he stares out into the ocean.

Harry almost asks if he heard what he just said, but he knows Louis did.  Harry probably put him into fucking shock because he's an untactful asshole like that.

"Louis?"  Harry tries.

Louis doesn't tear his eyes away from the ocean.  "Anything else I should know?"

"No, that's it I swear."  He would apologize, but he just said he didn't regret it so...

"Why did you hurt him?"  It comes out sounding like there's emotion behind it, but when Louis turns to him, his eyes are dry.

"Because he hurt you.  I feel like no matter what would have happened between you two, you never would have hurt him the way he deserves to be hurt."  Harry says.

"Did he hit on you?"  Louis asks.

Harry scoffs.  "Yeah, he gave me about five layers of a black eye and a bruised rib."

"No that's not what I meant.  Did he want to take you home?  Find you charming and attractive?"  Louis asks, all walls completely up.

"What?"  Harry is eternally confused.

"I just... If he was interested in you, I don't know why you would choose me over him.  You could have had him.  You can do better than me."  Louis twirls almost completed circles into the sand.

"Oh my hell, Louis-" Harry gathers him into his arms, feeling completely sad and in love.  "Baby.  No.  You're all I've wanted since I first laid eyes on you.  I wouldn't- I don't want to be with anyone but you ever again."

When the words come out of his mouth, he feels warm and whole, and he's not scared anymore.

"I love you so much Louis.  So much."  Harry holds him tighter.

Louis folds into Harry.  "Hold me please."

Harry situates Louis across his lap and rocks him back and forth gently.  "I've got you.  It's okay."

"Your mom thinks I'm scum."  Louis sniffles into his chest.  "My mom thinks I'm scum."

"Love, no."  Harry strokes Louis' warm skin, trying to rub his love all over Louis and hopes it seeps in through osmosis.  "My mom is going through menopause.  And your mom... I know she doesn't think you're scum.  She's your mom."

"She blames me for my dad leaving."  Louis' voice strains.

"Have you ever talked to her about it?"  Harry knows he hasn't, but he wonders if maybe prompting Louis to do so might give him a change of heart.

Louis doesn't say anything though, he just breathes shallower and shallower.

"Lou?"  Harry asks.

Louis' grip loosens as his hands start trembling.

"Babe, please, look at me."  Harry pulls away and Louis is hyperventilating now. 

Harry's still hasn't figured out what sends Louis into anxiety attacks, but they seem to be the least severe of his more histrionic reactions.  Harry would take an anxiety attack over a self-induced hallucination any day.

This he knows how to somewhat deal with because he's seen it happen a couple times with Louis and a couple times with one of the team mates from his polo team. 

The first time it happened with Louis, Harry took a wild guess with the paint.  He felt it would be somewhere safe between touching and not touching, but reminding Louis of what is going on around him.  He specifically looked for a different texture that Louis wasn't already experiencing.

Harry looks around, Louis starting to shiver numbly in his arms.  The ocean too far for him to reach a cold hand in.  The sand too dry and warm, already touching Louis.  He could try licking his hand then touching him, but there's got to be another option.

It clicks.

Harry reaches into the beach bag that was prior abandoned and pulls out the sunscreen.  He uncaps it then squeezes the cold and slimy cream onto his fingers.  Louis opens his eyes and watches Harry smearing sunscreen onto his left forearm.

Harry draws four perpendicular lines, then draws an 'X' in a box that is in the center.  Louis focuses all his attention on the action.

"I'm X's, you're O's.  Your turn."  Harry looks hopefully at Louis who is breathing slower now.

Louis holds his fingers out for Harry to squirt some sunscreen onto. 

He draws an 'O' next to the 'X'.  They continue to take turns until Harry wins by scoring three X's diagonally.

"You don't have room on your other arm anymore."  Harry says.

Louis swivels his arm to show off his tattoo.  "I used to trace it for hours when I first moved here.  I closed my eyes and pretended it was your fingertips touching me."

"Why do you get anxiety attacks?"  Harry can't help but ask.

"I don't know."  Louis looks down at the sand.  "I didn't use to.  Not before the drugs.  It's like, my brain short wires and stops working sometimes.  It's just what happens."

God, why did Louis have to mess with drugs?

"Could I like, make a suggestion?"  Harry proceeds carefully.

Louis' eyes flick up to him.  "What?"

"What would you think about talking to someone about your situation?"  Harry asks.

"Like a shrink?"  Louis instantly starts clamming up.

"No!  No."  Harry holds up defensive hands.  "Like, about the chemicals in your brain.  That's all these things are... just chemicals.  So like, getting something to balance them out?"

Louis' eyes flit to a couple different places before finally settling on their entwined hands.  "Do you think it's a good idea?"

"I do."  Harry says without hesitation.

Louis nods.  "Can we wait a little bit though?  I've been pretty good lately, right?" 

"Yes love.  You're amazing."  Harry gives him a chaste kiss to the lips.  "Now, it's been far too long since I've seen you dripping wet and delicious.  May I do the honors?"

Louis' face instantly goes to alarmed.  "No!  It's cold!"

But Harry's already picking him up and throwing him over his shoulder. 

Louis slaps him playfully on the back with his bum in the air.  "No, no, no!  Hazza!  You're the worst!"

Harry's laughing and he shrieks a little when his feet submerge in the water.  "Ready?"

"Harry no!  Harr- Aaah!"  Louis shrieks as Harry throws him into the ocean.

Louis scrambles up instantly, holding arms around his quaking body.  "Ho-holy sh-shit."

Harry grabs Louis' hands and drags him deeper, as Louis protests.  "One."  Louis shakes his head fervently.  Harry grins wider.  "Two."  Louis gives his best pouting face, begging Harry not to do it.  "Three!" 

Harry dips Louis like they've just ended a ballroom dance until he's barely under the surface of the water.  Harry closes the gap between their lips and kisses him half in and half out of the water.

It takes a second for Louis to register the sensation against his lips, when he automatically opens his mouth, and their mouths simultaneously are flooded with water.  Harry pulls Louis back up, and Louis spits the water all over Harry's face with a triumphant look.

After they've cleared the water from their eyes, Louis jumps up and wraps his legs around Harry's torso, then kisses him fiercely.

They both taste like salt and sun and it's beautiful and perfect.

~~~


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: I just logged into my Instagram for the first time in a couple days (since I always forget I have it) and had some more vote screenshots waiting there! So! We are now at 21 :D 4 more for another upload! You guys are so incredible <3

Voting for the Bromance Awards closes on the 3rd (tomorrow), so if you would like to cast a vote for Fading Zen, tonight or early tomorrow morning is the time!!!

Please re-read the warnings in the book summary. It's okay to feel many conflicting emotions about this chapter, but if you are uncomfortable reading this, there is a back button for you to utilize at any time.

Xoxo   
-Dannie Ybarra

~~~

By the time they make it back through Louis' door a couple hours later, they haven't been able to make it more than a minute without snogging or touching each other.  They felt it was best for the children if they removed themselves from a family friendly environment.

Harry would be lying if he said he didn't have a hard on.  It's been months since he's been properly laid and he has the most gorgeous man in the entire world fucking his mouth with his tongue. 

It's the right time.  It's definitely the right time.

Louis' crotch is hot against Harry's, and Harry is still pinned against the back of the garage door that they managed to make it through.  Louis reaches a hand down to manhandle Harry's cock through his swim trunks.

The living room floor is fine.  Harry's never been too picky.  He couldn't have picked a more ideal place if he's being honest.  He's always had a thing for neutral carpet and rug burns.

Harry suppresses the noise he wants to make by slamming his head back lightly against the door.  Louis looks at him in confusion and Harry pushes Louis off him to take this to at least the couch maybe.  Hell, even at least five proper feet into the house.

"Lou-" He rasps out.

Then there's suddenly an absence where his hand was once residing against Louis' chest.  Harry's eyes snap open and he sees Louis running from the kitchen into the hall.

Louis obviously misinterpreted Harry's signals.

Fuck.

Harry presses a palm against himself to try and calm down before jogging to where Louis has locked himself into the bathroom.  Harry opens his mouth to invite Louis to the bed with him, then he promptly shuts it.

He doesn't hear explicit moaning like he was expecting.  "Louis, I-"

Louis cuts him off from inside the bathroom.  "If you don't have sex with me, I swear to God I'll cut myself." 

"Oh my God- fuck, _Louis_!"  Harry rattles the locked doorknob.  "I _want_ to.  I _do_ \- I thought- I'm sorry- _shit_ -" 

Fuck a million times over.  This is probably Harry's worst nightmare.

"You want to, but you won't?"  Louis threatens.

Harry doesn't even take time to try and think through everything wrong with this situation.  "I will.  I want to, and I will.  You're in charge, you're in control.  Come out here _please_.  Don't hurt yourself."

"You swear you will?  Because if you lie to me, I'll swear I'll cut myself later."  Louis says.

"Fuck, I swear on my father's grave."  Just don't hurt yourself, Harry keeps chanting like a prayer. 

He's completely _not_ in the mood anymore and worried as hell over what the fuck is happening.  He just needs to get Louis out of the fucking bathroom.  He swears he's going to end up breaking the door down one of these days.

There's a rattle of the knife hitting the bathroom tile and then the door swings open. 

Harry has exactly two seconds to check the bathroom and Louis' arms for blood before Louis has jumped onto his torso again.  Nothing is fucking slowing down and Harry wishes Louis' house would burn down or something because he just needs more time to talk through this with himself and Louis.

As it were, Louis has gone back to giving hot kisses to Harry's open mouth and breathing him like he's his only source of oxygen in a spiraling plane.

Harry can hardly breathe in anything but the fucking lust that Louis is engulfing him in.  He staggers several steps backward into Louis' room and throws him on the bed. 

They take a couple seconds to rip their swim trunks off- Harry still not quite hard again.  He decides to make his morals pack their bags and go on a small vacation otherwise he's not going to make it through this alive because he is not- _not_ \- mentally equipped to handle this kind of situation or deal with its consequences.

Harry's first instinct is to jump on the bed and pin Louis to it, taking whatever the hell he wants from the satyromaniac.  He makes a split second decision though, wanting to keep Louis in illusion of being in control, and decides instead to straddle his legs and play with his cock.

"Tell me what the hell just happened while I blow you."  Harry makes good on his word by immediately taking Louis into his mouth right after.

And God, it's sweet.  It's sweet and divine and everything Harry has been dreaming about for months and months.  A few stray sand granules embed into Harry's tongue, but are quickly lost in the puddle of saliva dripping to the base of Louis' cock.

Louis lets out a very vocal and high pitched moan.  "Oh shit!  Oh God!"

Harry sucks Louis like his life depends on it and gives him a small slap to the side of his bum as a reminder of his request.

"I- I- ah!"  Louis cants up into Harry's mouth.  "I didn't think- I thought- Oh my _God!_ "

Harry is hard now.  So hard, and Louis in his mouth is so fucking good.

"You always reject me- I just need you Harry!  Fuck, I need this so bad."  Louis threads fingers into Harry's curls and squeezes tightly on them.  It makes Harry shiver and look up at Louis' completely tensed up and flexed body.

They make eye contact and apparently Louis takes it as his cue to continue jabbering, which is fine by Harry, even though he's already gotten his straightforward answer.

"I love you Harry.  This is real, I know it is.  God I thought I was imagining the sex- the fucking _head_ \- oh my God!  The sex- and cutting, I swear I- I won't!  I _just_ \- _you_ \- uh- yeah- holy _fuck_!"  Louis babbles.

Amongst the muttering, Harry interprets Louis' rambling to mean that as long as he's getting sex, he won't cut himself. 

Harry's gut truly, _truly_ , doesn't like the sound of that compromise, but he knows he's already made the decision to give Louis whatever he wants without regard to himself if it means Louis getting to a better place.

He tries to shut his brain off before he can talk himself out of it.

Harry finds the concentration necessary to utilize his hands finally and wraps one around the base of Louis' cock to jerk up into his mouth, and the other one playing with his balls.  Harry closes his throat around the head and swallows tightly. 

"Hazza, Hazzuh, Haz- _fucking_ Haz."  Louis grips tighter into Harry's curls.  "Please let me fuck you!  Please!  God I want to come in you!"

Harry's pulls his mouth off Louis, chin dripping in spit, and gasps for air.  "We- sand.  Shower?"  It's the most complete thought he can manage.  Sand is an actual concern that Harry doesn't want tearing the insides of his rectum because even though it's off Louis, he's certainly got some on his own skin still. 

"I'll take care of it."  Louis flips Harry on his stomach and spreads his ass cheeks apart.

God, okay, that works too.

Harry fists into the bedsheets in preparation for what's to come.  Louis has his tongue on Harry only a second later and Harry gasps into the pillow. 

This, for Harry specifically, is something that's only happened with Louis.  The first time he ever received was from Louis, bent over his office desk in Serenity.  It's something that's he associates solely with him.

Harry can _feel_ the small sand granules moving around his skin as Louis licks them into his mouth.  The sensation is fantastic as fuck and has him white-knuckling the ends of the pillow cover. 

Harry wonders how the hell Louis is enjoying this, but it's _Louis_ and sometimes there just aren't answers, so he doesn't worry about it.

Nothing, really, is more pressing than what's happening at the current moment.  Harry squeaks as Louis' flat tongue licks up and down his now sand-free arse. 

"Jesus Louis- holy shit."  Harry pushes back into Louis' face.

"Mmhmm."  Louis hums and it vibrates everything in Harry.  "I always knew you loved this."

And while Louis is there mentally, Harry decides he may as well affirm the statements to let Louis know that he is, in fact, right.  "Yeah babe, you do.  You're so good.  Always know what I like."

"Apparently not good enough or you wouldn't still be talking."  Louis bites aggressively at Harry's rim and Harry gasps out.

Encouraging and reinforcing words thrown out the window, Harry decides to just shut up.  Louis is obviously confident enough in this area and doesn't need Harry's verbal reassurance to tell him so.

Like the whole chain of events, the next bit happens in lieu with it: much too quickly.  Louis' tongue enters in alongside his finger and Harry's words are lost between mumbles and pants into the twin mattress with nothing but a sheet on it. 

With the amount of saliva pooling around his entrance and dripping coldly down his thighs, the drag is tight, but fluid.  Louis pulls his tongue out and Harry doesn't bother complaining at the loss of contact because it's hardly a second later that Louis has another finger prodding into him.

"Do you like that Hazza?  Is it too much?"  Louis asks with more emotion than Harry would anticipate whilst being finger fucked.

"'S perfect.  It's always so good with you."  Harry whines out a little choked.  And strictly speaking in physical terms, it's an honest statement.

Louis works his fingers in a little harder, working to find Harry's prostate, but his words stay soft.  "It's always been the best with you.

God if that isn't the truth, Harry doesn't know what the hell is. 

It's with an upstroke of Louis' fingers that he finds it. Harry feels like his body is thrumming in a blunt pressure as Louis stays deep and pushes against his prostate several times in succession.

"Ah, Lou-" Harry's voice cracks and he wishes his body could do the same, but the feeling presses harder and deeper until it feels like it's pressing against his brain and his lips are numb.

"Ready for more?"  Louis asks ferally.

"Uh- ah-" Harry grips into his hair because it's the only thing he can hold onto.

There's emptiness where there once was fullness, and then shuffling as Louis grabs the closest bottle of lube.  Harry turns himself over because if they're doing this, he wants to look Louis in the eyes and try to keep a semblance of sanity to their intimacy.

The effort is mostly lost when Harry opens his eyes and sees Louis above him with the red circled walls behind him.  This whole sexual encounter was based on the premises of Louis threatening to hurt himself like he's done over and over again like each time he's painted the walls of his room with his blood. 

Harry feels a bit like he's in a horror film and there's no way out but through it, which is an additional factor that keeps him from calling a stop to it.  He needs to let Louis have this.  Louis needs to feel in control of his choices.

But with giving Louis all control, Harry feels the complete lack thereof.  He keeps telling himself it's worth it.  Louis is worth it and taking care of Louis before himself is worth it.

Harry's never doubted himself more in his life. 

He shuts his eyes, pretending like he doesn't know how much he's going to regret this after it's done.

Louis pushes his cock into Harry and it blows his mind.  If there were ever a literal way to feel the phrase 'guilty pleasure', this would be the very situation Harry would put next to it in the dictionary.

Louis doesn't start slow, doesn't let up, and leans down close to Harry's chest.  Harry's hands fling from his hair into Louis', pulling him down into a messy open mouthed kiss.

"Fuck yeah, give it to me baby."  Louis whispers against his lips.

Harry got himself into this situation.  Harry left his number for Louis at Serenity.  Harry kissed Louis in the park.  Harry allowed the phone sex.  He went crazy with the actual sex.  He convinced himself being with Louis was right, despite the ecstasy and self-loathing.  He moped in depression for months wanting Louis again.  Wanting this, apparently.

This is what Harry's wanted, and he's getting it. 

It's never felt so fucking wrong.

"Louis, fuck-" Harry whimpers out, "fuck me."  Very much not in the literal sense, and very much in a cry of exasperation.

Louis grabs Harry's cock though, and pulls at it over and over again.  Harry's eyes water with how much the situation is a harsh reflection of what Harry has let himself become.  But he lets himself sacrifice this part of himself for Louis.  Louis is getting a little better, and Harry is getting a little worse, and Harry tells himself it's a fair trade.

Harry's body is overrun with emotion, adrenaline, and Louis.  There's so much Louis, and Harry wishes he wouldn't have been so naive and optimistic to think that Louis is all he needs.  Harry needs dignity and standards and right now he feels stripped of both.

"Hazza, I'm coming.  Fu- _fuck_ -" Louis stutters as he comes inside Harry.

Harry wishes he didn't have to hear and feel and smell and taste Louis everywhere, but he does.  He hears Louis' labored breathing, feels his cock pulsing inside of him, smells the way their ocean-salt bodies sweat, tastes Louis' sweet saliva in his mouth and he thinks he might hate himself forever.

When Louis pulls out and puts all of his efforts into Harry's rigid and oversensitive cock, the reaction is purely physiological when he orgasms.

Accompanying the orgasm though, are many, many chemicals and endorphins and it's too much. 

Harry doesn't realize he is sobbing until Louis pulls him into his chest and is petting his hair and whispering things to him.

"It's okay Haz.  I love you.  Thank you- thank you."  Louis kisses his forehead.  "Oh my God, thank you so much.  I love you Harry.  Thank you."

"I- I love you too."  Harry chokes out.  He doesn't say that he loves Louis so much that it hurts him.

"Babe, why are you crying?  It's okay."  Louis kisses his nose.

"I missed you." 

'I missed you, and I can't remember why because this is not what I missed and I don't want it anymore.' Is what Harry doesn't say.

"I missed you too.  You're so amazing.  You're perfect babe.  I love you."  Louis kisses his lips.

'I never thought I would hate myself so much.'  Harry doesn't say as he kisses Louis back.

~~~


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Thank you so, so much for all the support! Voting is closed, so now we wait for the results!

Voting aside, thank you so much for all the kind words about Fading and Finding Zen. I'm so thrilled you guys are loving it xxx (Also, doesn't Harry look so good in that pic? :') )

Dedicated to @visciouslovedove <3

~~~

Either Louis has gotten 10 times touchier with Harry, or Harry has completely stonewalled his emotions from his physical state.

Harry is pretty sure it's both.

He knows because of the sweet things Louis keeps whispering in his ear. He knows because when Louis touches him, it feels like a little poison to his veins every time.

They had a day at the doctors where Louis got prescribed Valium for his anxiety. Louis has been getting healthier and more flexible and is starting to fill out some of his clothes again. Louis went to a Buddhist worship service the other night and afterwards, Harry heard Louis tell Gary that he thinks he could love himself again.

Louis smells like things of Louis again. Incense and massage oils and pride in his job and his Harry.

Each day, Louis feels and acts more mentally stable and considers it a victory for himself.

Each day, Harry feels more mentally instable and wonders when he'll crack.

The sex has stayed the same as it was that first night and Harry wonders who is more fucked up sexually at this point. He wonders if Louis can tell that Harry's heart breaks with each orgasm they share. He wonders if Louis notices that Harry won't look Louis in the eye when he comes. He wonders if Louis knows him at all.

So it's a week and a half later that Harry is sitting in Namaste Ink again, talking to Hayden because Louis is at work and Harry ran out of things to do two days ago.

"God, they put him on Valium? If he ever needs someone to help him get through his prescription quicker, I'd be happy to help." Hayden brushes some hair from her face to lean in closer to the customer she's currently inking.

"Really?" Harry huffs, unhappy that everyone, apparently, is completely okay with recreational drug use.

"Yeah. I sell them to my mom whenever I have the chance. She's already been prescribed a hundred pills for her M.S. and they won't give her anything more for her anxiety because they say everything will counteract with it. But every time she's taken anti-anxieties, she's been fine." She switches the needles and color of the dragon she's pricking into a customer's thigh. "Helps her out a lot."

Oh.

Well. Harry feels bad for pre-judging now.

"Yeah, my brother died of overdose, so drug use was never my thing. You can wipe the look of guilt off your face too." Hayden says without looking up from the dragon flames she's working on. "I thought you'd be okay with it though. Seeing as your boyfriend is rather fond of them."

Saying something like 'he's not my boyfriend' would sound dead and hollow to Harry's ears, so he doesn't even bother with saying it.

"I have really conflicting emotions towards it honestly." Harry leans in a little closer to watch what Hayden's doing. "At first I thought it was pretty reckless, but then I decided I'd be okay with it, assuming he'd responsibly govern himself-"

Hayden snorts out a laugh under her face mask.

Harry ignores her. "But then I was angry at drugs again and tried temporarily blaming our break up on them. I realize now that they're just a catalyst for Louis to achieve what he thinks he can't achieve on his own; but I don't particularly have the greatest taste in my mouth when it comes to drugs."

"Weren't you the one to suggest that he go on anti-anxieties?" Hayden asks as her customer squeaks a bit in her chair. "Sorry love. Getting close to the hip bone for a moment."

"It's fine." The girl with cropped black hair looks at Harry as if to ask if she sounds believable.

Harry offers her a comforting smile, then responds to Hayden. "Yeah I was. I think if there's something wrong with your brain, you should try to fix it. One of my team mates was on Xanax and it's what saved his sanity on multiple occasions. I just hope it can like, wrong what's right in Louis' brain- or at least make it function like a normal person."

"Jesus, what's happened between the two of you? You talk about him like you're so fucking ambivalent. Maybe I got the wrong impression of you that first night you stayed with us." Hayden flicks her eyes up to Harry before focusing on her client again.

"What impression did you get the first night?" Harry asks.

"That nothing short of the Loch Ness Monster could stop you from being with him. Now you sound like you're just waiting for the right opportunity to make a run for it." Hayden says.

"What the hell? Because I care about fixing him and helping him get better?" Harry asks rhetorically. "Because that's what someone who's ready to get out of Dodge does."

Hayden rolls her eyes. "I'm not stupid and I'm not blind. It's in the body language Harry. Your words are coming from one part of your brain and the body language is coming from how you actually feel. I'm sure the only reason Louis hasn't noticed is because he's not ready to admit that even though he has everything he wants, there's still problems that have to be addressed."

"What do you mean?" Harry furrows his eyebrows.

Hayden pulls away to switch out the needle again and choose a different color for the watercolor flames coming from the dragon's mouth. "I just mean you're both skittish as hell. You trying to find your footing and failing at every corner; and Louis still avoiding talking like the little bitch he is."

"Hey, watch it." Harry warns.

"Sorry. Just saying if it came to who had more balls between him and I, I'm sure he'd come up short." The buzzing starts up again as Hayden puts the needle to the girl's skin.

Harry doesn't say anything because he really doesn't have it in him to fight. There's nothing to fight for, especially with Hayden who seemingly is always trying to test Harry and push his buttons.

"Why are you here Harry?" Hayden asks.

"Because Louis is at work today." Harry says.

"Oh my- no. Like, why are you _here_? In San Diego?" Hayden rephrases the question.

"Because I want to help Louis." Harry says automatically.

"And you've done that. It's clear as day that he's got more pep in his step and thinks he could probably walk on water if you asked him to. So why are you still here?" Hayden asks.

"Because I love him." And even to Harry's ears, it sounds muted like he feared. It sounds half-assed and unsure.

Hayden looks up to her client. "Am I the only one feeling like he's ambivalent as hell over this? Tell me I'm not crazy."

The girl with the dragon tattoo smiles. "I think I'd agree with anything you say regardless... since you have a tattoo gun to my leg."

Harry laughs. "Yeah, don't try ganging up anyway. It's not nice."

Hayden just shakes her head and continues working. It's another 15 minutes until she turns the gun off and takes her client to the front to pay for her services.

She comes back to the room and hands Harry a five-dollar bill. "She said it was 'for the apprentice because he deserves a tip'." Hayden does air quotes.

Harry chuckles and gives the five back to her. "Don't be ridiculous. I shouldn't be paid for pretending to be something I'm not."

"No, no. You're definitely my apprentice, otherwise it would be highly illegal to have you watching my clients get half naked for me to ink them." Hayden raises her eyebrows at Harry.

"Right." Harry pockets the bill because going to jail again doesn't suit his fancy.

"So, I've got two hours until my next appointment. Do you like Mexican?" Hayden asks.

"Queso is my guilty pleasure." Harry says before other guilty pleasures surface and make him feel sick to his stomach.

"You rode the motorcycle today, right?" Hayden smiles a little more deviously.

"I only have one helmet." Harry immediately argues.

"I don't want one." Hayden says, tying her hair up in a ponytail.

"Our significant others will kill us." Harry points out.

"That's assuming we're not already dead from a car crash." Hayden grabs her leather jacket and puts it on over her low-cut, backless leather vest.

"Your persuasion skills are terrible." Harry follows suit and puts on his leather jacket.

"I think they're as bad as your sense of style. Who the hell wears a pink and white polka-dot-shirt?" Hayden gives him a disapproving scan of her eyes.

Harry zips up his jacket. "I do. And I wear leather over it, which I know you approve of, so I don't believe I deserve any shit from you."

Hayden elbows him as they walk out of the tattoo parlor together. "I'll give you however much shit I please."

Harry shakes his head in defeat with a smile on his lips.

When they get to Harry's bike, Hayden straddles it easily, being almost as tall as Harry, and then she wraps her arms around his chest a little too tightly for Harry to not say anything.

"You've never been on a motorcycle before?" Harry muses as he tightens the helmet on his head.

"I have." She argues. "It's just been a little while."

Harry bites back a smile, even though he knows she wouldn't be able to see it. "I'm a safe driver, I promise. If you get scared, let me know and I'll slow down."

Her grip doesn't lessen any, but she nods into Harry's shoulder and gives him directions.

The thing that's oddest about the situation are the boobs pressed against his back. It's been a long time since Harry has felt boobs in any form, and his almost boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend are not a pair he thought he'd ever come into contact with. The longer he thinks about it, he hasn't really had anyone but guys ride with him on his bike for years.

He shakes the thoughts off and revs his engine a few times to warm it up. He walks it backward out of it's parking spot and then merges seamlessly into traffic.

If there's one thing he loves, it's giving people motorcycle rides. There's always the expected tenseness in the beginning. Unless they own a bike themselves- like Niall- they always hold on a little tighter than necessary. Harry likes it though because he can feel the moment their fears dissipate and they feel freed.

Riding with Louis was something he'll never forget. It's a sweet and cherished memory of Harry's. For the first half of the ride, it was Louis holding onto him like he trusted Harry with his life, while simultaneously never wanting to trust Harry again. The moment the fear left, was Louis holding onto Harry like he had just given him the world.

Hayden relaxes just as Harry turns the corner into the parking lot for the restaurant. He holds out a hand for Hayden to take, but she dismounts on her own accord. Harry locks his helmet into the saddle bag and looks up at the restaurant she's leading him into.

"We're eating at a place called 'The Cock'?" Harry muses.

Hayden throws him a smirk. "Thought it would be fitting, seeing as you like them."

Harry rolls his eyes and goes to open the door for her, but she gets to it first and holds it open for Harry. He mumbles out a thank you as they approach the host podium.

"Welcome to El Ganso! Two today?" The boy says with a thick accent.

"Yep!" Harry and Hayden say at the same time.

They look at each other and laugh.

The host leads them to a booth and hands them their menus, then leaves after taking their drink orders.

"So. Harry Styles." Hayden says without looking up from her menu.

"Hayden...." Harry furrows his eyebrows. "I don't know your last name actually."

"Serebryakov." Hayden supplies.

Harry blinks.

"Harry Styles. You are not who I thought you would be." Hayden says.

"You keep saying things like that, and I really don't know what you mean by it." Harry says, getting a little irked by the whole thing.

"Oh, I just mean I was more than convinced that you were a figment of Louis' imagination for a long time. I feel like I'm having lunch with a mythological creature or something." She flips to the next page of the menu.

"I don't..." Harry doesn't understand what she's getting at.

"I never could really imagine the kind of guy Louis would be with, but now that I've met you, I can totally see it. You guys make sense together." She flips another page of the menu and continues on lightly. "Bit fucked up together, but you make sense."

"Are you trying to offend me?" Harry raises his eyebrows at her.

She snorts. "I have better things to do than trying to offend you. I'm just trying to have a conversation." She sets the menu down and wiggles her eyes at Harry. "I'm having the Burrito con Ganso. What about you?"

Harry laughs. "I think that means I'm having the Taco con Ganso."

The waiter comes to drop off their drinks and take their orders.

Hayden brings the straw between her dark purple lips. "See, isn't this nice? Lunch conversation over Mexican penis dishes."

Harry lets out another unrestrained laugh and his cheeks hurt a little bit.

"Aw you have dimples. You're so fucking adorable." She hits his shins under the table.

"Hey!" Harry tries pulling his feet up and knocks the table with his knees. "Watch it. You're going to shank me with your spikes."

"There on the heels nitwit." She rolls her eyes. "Honestly, the logic."

"Hey, I'm a very logical person." He defends.

"Which is why you came to San Diego." She nods like she believes him. "So logical."

"I logically needed closure to move on. Then logically realized that I still had feelings for Louis, and logically decided to stay." Harry says like it was a flawless plan.

She chuckles. "Not a bad thing to be emotional from time to time. Kara's taught me a lot about that."

"Yeah, what is it with you two anyway? You're very..." Harry tries not to stare at her cleavage while looking for the right term, "hardcore. And she's very... girl-next-door."

Hayden sighs dreamily and leans her chin forward on her hands. "It's a beautiful story actually."

Harry's intrigued now, so he copies her and leans closer. "Tell me." He responds dreamily.

She gives his forearm a play slap. "Well, we went to the same Catholic school senior year. I grew up in Los Angeles and transferred to Saint Mary's in Phoenix at 17. My parents wanted to 'reform me'." She uses air quotes.

"So the badass biker chick isn't just for show?" Harry teases.

"Your hippie, indie shit isn't just for show is it?" She taunts.

"Oh my God, I don't dress like a hippie or an indie!" Harry acts like he's much more offended than he really is.

She continues playing along. "Right, you just dress like you walked out of the thrift store instead."

Except the playing quit, and Harry is silent because Hayden doesn't realize she just hit the nail on the head.

She realizes it too. "Oh shit. Sorry. You um... I think you dress really nice honestly."

Harry puts his hands in his lap. "I dress simple and basic. But when I do dress tacky, people just pass it off as high fashion."

She nods. "I used to shop at the thrift store all through middle school. So, when I said that, I actually know because I've been there."

Harry flicks his eyes up to her.

"I once bought a half fur, half leather jacket. I had seen something similar to it in a Pat Benatar music video. I wore it to school in 7th grade and everyone made fun of me the rest of the year for it. I thought I was being stylish, apparently not." She takes a sip of her water. "I threw it in the trash bin after school and didn't wear leather again until I graduated high school."

"I'm sorry." Harry says, imagining what that would have been like for Hayden at 13 years old. "For me, it's not like I was ever poor or anything. Just had other things that my mom had to spend money on before me. I wouldn't have wanted her to anyway."

"Did you ever start stealing?" Hayden asks.

He shakes his head. "I don't believe in stealing."

Hayden gives him a sad smile. "I don't think many people do. But teenage years are hard; and fitting in makes us desperate sometimes."

Harry nods because he completely understands that.

"So, are things okay with you and Louis? I can be your friend if you need one. I know things aren't the easiest with Niall right now just based off what I've heard. I don't know who else you have to talk to, but considering you've been at my work for two days, I get the vibe that you're a little lonely." She says.

Harry nods. "Gary is great to talk to and all, but I don't have Louis' talent of being able to talk to myself for hours."

The waiter comes out with their goose burrito and tacos, then refills their drinks.

"Um. Was Kara your first relationship?" Harry decides to ask first.

Hayden shakes her head. "I was in a really toxic relationship with a guy prior to being with her. Obviously had kissed around before that, but it was just the guy, then Kara. It's just been her since then."

That kind of lifts a heavy burden off Harry's chest that he didn't realize he was carrying. He almost sighs with relief.

"Did you ever hate yourself for loving him the way he needed to be loved because it was good for him but terrible for you?" Harry rushes the question out faster than he can think it out.

Hayden sets her fork down. "Is he abusing you?"

"No!" Harry says too quickly. "Not really exactly."

Hayden regards him seriously. "Mind elaborating a little?"

Harry feels like he may have revealed too much, too quickly. But Hayden doesn't seem like she's out to judge at all and just genuinely concerned. Harry decides it would be good if he confided in her about his issues. Miguel can sympathize, but Harry only shares so much with him because he just doesn't understand. Hayden is honest and unbiased and knows them both.

"I mean. Back in December, he slapped me once because I was completely verbally and emotionally winding him up. It was completely my fault honestly. " Harry says.

Even though the incident happened months ago, it's still never left his head and simmered on the back burner of the endless messy stovetop that are his concerns with Louis.

The only other time Louis has hit Harry in aggression was the morning after Harry arrived in San Diego. But Harry lets that go because Louis really wasn't in any kind of stable mental state and was simply reacting like a cornered animal. Also, the moment Harry told him to stop, he did.

"Did you guys talk about it?" Hayden asks.

Harry shakes his head. "It, uh, turned into rough sex. I did some things he wasn't comfortable with and tried apologizing for it and he didn't want to talk about it anyway. So I think we just kind of called it even and forgot about it. It was stupid. We were both just worked up. I've worked a lot on controlling my anger and he hasn't slapped me since."

"It doesn't sound like you forgot about it." Hayden points out.

Harry swallows. "Yeah, maybe not."

"So what about since then? You said he hasn't been hitting you, but you're certainly walking around like an abused puppy." Hayden says.

"Well it's not like he's been abusive. Just maybe... a little manipulative. And like, I just want him to feel like he has control over his life, so I let him get away with some things. And since then- well, it's not really like something you can just _stop_. You know?" Harry struggles to get out.

"If you're not comfortable talking about it, you don't have to. But if you do want to, you're going to need to be less ambiguous." Hayden says. "I'm not going to judge. I knowingly stayed in a relationship with a guy years older than me who hit me when I wouldn't listen to him. I know what it's like to be in love and have it hurt."

Harry sets his utensils down, all pretenses of eating completely gone, along with his appetite. He feels a dry emotion that feels sickening and sad and brings a hand to his forehead to stare at the white wooden table that reminds him of Louis' bathroom door that he's spoken into so many times.

"I didn't want to have sex with him until he was ready- until _I_ was ready to with him. He wasn't ready, but I let it happen. I let it happen and wish I wouldn't have because it was wrong. I can't just _stop_ because he's so much happier. You don't even know how physical of a person that Louis is. He needs it, but right now it's just in such the wrong way I feel like, and I don't know what to do because it's either sacrificing his well-being or mine." Harry bites his lip to try and push down the emotions that are fighting their way to the surface.

"I'm not going to point out how unhealthy that is, because I know you're smart enough to recognize that." Hayden says carefully. "But the one thing I will say is that if you don't change something, your relationship will only fall more apart."

"What am I supposed to do?" Harry whispers tightly.

"Talk to him." Hayden says.

And that's really what just kind of breaks down the wall because everything just runs so deep and hits the fundamental problems of his and Louis' relationship. So he's crying into his goose tacos because his relationship with Louis is so impossible, but he wants it because he loves him.

The cushion sinks in next to him, and Hayden wraps an arm around his shoulder. Harry tries to calm his emotions, but they're just not as cooperative as he'd like them to be, so he gives in and cries into Hayden's shoulder.

"Hey it's okay Harry. You can fix things. They're reparable. You guys both love each other." Hayden rubs up and down his back.

"I-I just wish he- I wish-" Now that Harry says it, he doesn't know what he wishes. He wishes Louis was fixed, but Louis has always been like this for as long as Harry's known him. Harry doesn't have the right to change Louis into something that Harry isn't even sure existed in the first place. "I'm so confused. I just wish he would talk to me."

"So get him really drunk. Not quite as effective as when he's on ex, but better than nothing." Hayden suggests. "Call it Operation Under the Influence."

Harry laughs onto Hayden's bare shoulder so hard that it hurts.

"I'm serious." Hayden reiterates. "Use it to your advantage and then see where you're at with everything afterwards."

"He can't drink because of his meds." Harry pulls away to wipes his eyes and nose off with the measly napkin next to his plate of food. "Besides that would be completely unfair and unethical."

"Because manipulating you for sex isn't unfair at all." Hayden nods thoughtfully.

Harry smiles and shakes his head. "I always play by the rules regardless of if others do."

"Just try it once. Maybe you'll feel terrible, but you already feel terrible about yourself, so there's not much to lose." She says cheerily.

Harry rolls his eyes. "He can't drink on his meds."

"Don't tell me your friend on Xanax never drank ever again once he got put on meds." Hayden says, and okay, yes, Harry can't deny that. "And this is coming from me." Hayden points to herself. "I don't approve of drug abuse or anything like it. Just don't have him take the pills tonight. He'll be fine."

Harry nods. He may as well. "Operation Under the Influence."

Getting shitfaced sounds wonderful right about now anyway.

"Let me know how it goes. And don't get drunk yourself as tempting as it may be. You need to stay mostly sober. Plus, Louis has told me what your drinking history is like." Hayden says as she switches back over to her side of the booth again.

Well.

There goes that idea.

A light buzz then. He could go for a nice buzz tonight.

Harry smiles as they eat their ganso dishes. The waiter comes by and Hayden insists on paying, so Harry lets her. Daddy Yankee comes on over the speakers and Harry smiles to himself and decides he should call Miguel later as well.

Hayden squeals though and it makes Harry's eyebrows hit his hairline.

"I _love_ this song! Oh my God!" Hayden slaps her hand on the table.

Harry laughs. "You and my friend would get along."

"Don't tell me you don't love Gasolina." She says, exasperated.

Harry holds his hands up in defense. "No, I'm all for reggaeton now. Songs about coming on girls is what I live for."

She rolls her eyes as they stand from their booth and exit El Ganso. "Daddy Yankee specifically said it's about girls who like street in a permio lo nuestro special."

"Oh watch out. We've got a chola in the house." Harry nudges her, making her trip over her boot heels.

She grabs onto his arm before she can fall and laughs it off. "Damn straight. Soy calle!" She yells a little too loudly once they're outside, and a few heads turn- more notably a small group of Mexican's who look a little too thug for Harry's liking.

"We should go-" Harry steers her towards his motorcycle parked in front, but she doesn't seem too worried.

In fact, she turns to them and raises her voice in an accent that's no longer Spanish. "¿Qué está mirando? Soy Ucraniano, me cago en la madre que te parió!"

"Oh my God, Hayden, get on!" Harry throws his helmet on and yanks her on the bike with him. He revs the engine a few times and she's laughing hysterically behind him. The group of Mexicans have disappeared, but Harry thinks he'll probably never come to this side of town again.

Also, Hayden is crazy. Harry loves it a little bit.

~~~


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: My husband asked me what I would like to do today since it's my birthday (I'm 23 now xD). I informed him that I just want to write and update for you guys because those are two of my favorite things to do, hence an update <3

Thank you for reading, kudos-ing, commenting, and recommending my story. Your comments make my day and your support makes everything worth it xx

-Dannie Ybarra

Dedicated to @lct_1970 for your comment that made me smile!! 

Twitter: [@LemonSuccubus](http://www.twitter.com/LemonSuccubus) or [@dannieybarra](http://www.twitter.com/dannieybarra)

~~~

"Honey, I'm home!"  The garage door shuts in the distance, and the living room door shortly after.

Harry smiles from the kitchen where he's in an apron and briefs.  "Dinner's ready."

Louis skips around the corner and pauses when he assesses Harry in the kitchen.  "Are we doing dinner or dessert first?"

"Definitely dinner.  Take a seat babe."  Harry pulls the chicken out of the oven and sets it on the stove top to cool down.

"May I turn off your Mexican rap first?"  Louis hovers over Harry's phone.

Harry smiles as he opens a cupboard to pull out more seasonings.  "Sure babe."

Louis pauses the music and Harry can feel him staring into his back.  "You're looking... domestic..."

Harry looks over his shoulder at Louis to give him a look.  "I'm feeling domestic."

"How domestic?"  Louis sets Harry's phone back down on the counter.

"The most."  Harry wiggles his eyebrows.

"Did you... have a good day?"  Louis asks, a little skeptical.

"Mmhmm."  Harry hums as he over-salts Louis' chicken because he knows it's what he likes.  "How was work?"

"Good..."  Louis keeps the music off and walks closer to Harry.  "You seem different today."

"Must be the way I dried my hair this morning.  I was feeling rather fabulous about it all."  Harry says, trying to stay nonchalant.

Louis pets Harry's hair without even realizing it as he's looking over Harry's shoulder at the chicken.  "How's Hayden?"

Harry tries not to snicker.  "She's great."  He says with something close to too high of an inflection for someone without an ulterior motive.

"Are you going to tell me what you've been up to that has you acting all... weird?"  Louis' hand drops to Harry's lower back.

Harry places the chicken on a plate next to the steamed green beans and wild rice and cuts Louis' for him.  "Nothing's got me weird.  Just in a good mood."

"You can like... talk to me if something's bothering you..."  Louis trails off unsurely.

Harry tries not to laugh.  Instead, he sets the utensils down and turns around to dip Louis into a deep, open-mouthed kiss.  Louis reaches up to hold around Harry's neck and balance himself as he kisses back.

Harry parts their lips, but keeps Louis down in the dip, and whispers lowly.  "You being clothed is what's bothering me.

"Must be your time of the month."  Louis smiles and pecks Harry on the lips again.

"Must be."  Harry pulls Louis upright again. 

Louis hoists himself up onto the counter next to the plates of food.  Harry finishes cutting the chicken and cuts all of Louis' green beans in half and mixes it in with the rice because he knows Louis will eat more of it without realizing.

"You're awfully quiet."  Louis bounces his legs off the cabinets and probably will leave scuff marks that Harry will have to clean off tomorrow.

"You're awfully overdressed."  Harry says.

Louis slides onto the ground again.  "God, alright I'll take the hint.  I'll be back."

Operation Under the Influence is in its beginning stages, and Harry thinks he's doing well.  He didn't realize it would be so entertaining and fun to beat Louis at his own game. 

Though, he feels bad for thinking of it that way.  Harry is the kind of person to take things as they come and deal with them upon arrival rather than manipulate to solve problems.  He's definitely learned a thing or two from the Book of Louis though.

He supposes if there's only one instance of deceitful manipulation in their entire relationship, he'll be okay. 

He hopes. 

But it's like Hayden said, he can't really hate himself much more than he does already.  Plus, it's for Louis' own good. 

And Harry's too.

He just needs to be skillful enough to get Louis too drunk to be able to divert with sex, but not so drunk that he can't remember his own name.  It's a fine line he thinks.  But he has faith in himself.

"This better?"  Louis struts into the kitchen in nothing but boxers and the socks he wore to work still rolled up to his knees.

"Much."  Harry says simply and brings the plates over to the table.

Louis sits down and regards Harry carefully as the food is set in front of him.  "Are you going to pray?"

Harry's lip twitches a little.  "May I ask why you ask me that sporadically at our meals?"

Louis shrugs.  "I don't want to be disrespectful if you choose to.  I wasn't prepared the one time you did it, and I want to be prepared next time you do."

"Louis, I'm not Catholic anymore."  Harry says.

"But you still have a cross on your hand and pray to God."  Louis points out.  "You used to wear a cross."

Harry wants to get into a long winded conversation of the ins and outs of what it's like to grow up one religion and then switch to something different later in life and ask why the hell Louis cares so much anyway, but he decides to try something different because he sees that going nowhere productive.

"Yep."  Harry says simply, then shovels a forkful in his mouth.

Louis watches Harry eat for two minutes in silence. 

Harry's eaten all of his green beans and is finally moving on to the rice.  He did quite well on the cooking if he says so himself.

"They catered in Taco Bell today."  Louis tries to get Harry's attention.

Harry meets his eyes briefly, trying not to show the amusement in them.  "Awesome babe."

Louis leans forward a little bit.  "I didn't eat it because I had the lunch that you packed for me- well, actually okay, that's a lie.  I ate three tacos then threw up in the bathroom because it felt like shit on my stomach.  So then I drank like three bottles of water and ate the lunch you packed for me and it tasted a billion times better than the fast food and that's probably one of the first times in my life that's ever happened because I used to fucking love Taco Bell but apparently not anymore."

Harry takes a breath to refrain from saying and asking anything or reacting in any overly exorbitant way.  "That's great love."

Louis' nostrils flare marginally.  "A guy hit on me today at work."

Harry's heart stops momentarily because Louis is so obviously trying for attention from him.  Harry wonders if he'll even need to get Louis drunk at all.  At this rate he's openly spilling his guts to Harry.

Harry flutters his eyelashes up at Louis.  "What a compliment to me."

"I told him I had a boyfriend."  Louis keeps on.

Harry wants to ask if he really said that, or if he's still just vying for a reaction.  Not that it would matter regardless. 

"That's lovely."  Harry says.

"I want to be your boyfriend Harry.  I want you to live with me permanently.  I want to come home to you half naked in aprons every day.  I want to meet your mom and tell her she can fuck right off with her low opinion of me because I'm a fantastic fucking person who loves you more than I love myself."  Louis rushes out.

This is the part where Harry very, very desperately wants to abandon all plans and just say 'And I don't want to have sex with you until we figure our shit out.' 

But Harry knows- he knows- that if he says that, Louis will storm off to lock himself in the bathroom and have the urge to hurt himself or destroy the god damned bathroom cabinet again.

Then there's the other end where if Harry under reacts, he knows he'll get the same reaction.  Something possibly close to his outburst at Target where Louis flipped out because Harry wasn't paying attention to him.

He tries to search for something to say.  Something middle ground that won't land him in hot or frozen water.  Though he supposes that metaphor doesn't work anyway since frozen water is just ice.  Which means there's really nothing Harry can say or do without fucking things up. 

But the thing is, Louis knows what Harry's parameters are before committing himself.  He promised serious conversations to Harry and has still been withholding.

So he just kind of says the next thing that comes to mind.

"What are you going to do about it?"  He looks Louis in the eye.

Louis' mouth hangs open a little bit and he doesn't say anything.

Harry maintains eye contact for a moment longer, then goes back to eating.  "The food is getting cold love.  Chicken isn't the best after it's been reheated."

Louis picks up his utensils and eats in silence.

So he's not ready to talk.  He knows Louis knows.  Louis knows Harry knows. 

He's not ready to talk regardless of how much of an act he puts on.

Harry finishes his dinner and the dishes, humming to himself to keep his mood up.  Operation Under the Influence is back on course unfortunately.  This is why Harry tries to stay on the side of pessimism lately.  If he were sticking to optimism, he would have jumped 10,000 steps ahead and been thrilled that Louis was telling him details of his day and not gotten down to the motivation behind it all.

Louis sets his plate next to Harry silently, and stands next to him without trying to make much of his presence known. 

"Dessert is in the fridge."  Harry says easily. 

Louis shuffles over and opens it up.  "Frangelico, vodka, and lemons cut like teepees?  What the hell Haz?  And tequila?"

Harry pulls powdered sugar from the cupboard and tosses it on the counter.  "Powdered sugar too."  He walks up behind Louis to wrap his arms around his waist and kiss down the side of his neck.  "Tastes like chocolate cake."

"What?"  Louis says a little too breathily.

"The drink."  Harry nips at the juncture of his neck and shoulder.  "Then a lemon slice coated in powdered sugar after a shot."  Licks over the same spot.  "Tastes like chocolate cake."

Louis' skin breaks out into goosebumps.  "That sounds ridiculous.  If you expect me to believe that a sour fruit could taste like- ah!"

Harry bites harder into his neck mostly to shut him up.  Louis melts into the sensation, but Harry knows that it's merely a matter of seconds before Louis will do away with enjoying the moment and seek to take control of the sexual touch. 

So Harry pulls away just as he hears the change of Louis' breathing that signifies he's going to about face.

Harry purposely unwraps his arms from Louis' middle to dissolve any contact.  Louis looks over his shoulder with one hand on the opened fridge door and the other on the freezer handle. 

"We just ate.  It's going to be at least an hour until this even hits us."  Louis says like it will mean anything to Harry.

"I've got time."  Harry leans back against the counter- and then to make sure Louis isn't going to back out...  "Or, sorry... did you have a bedtime?"  He pitches his voice up the slightest bit to imitate a voice he would use to talk to kids.

It's a manipulative hit below the belt, even for Harry.  It just kind of came out though; and quite frankly, he didn't expect the surge of guilt through his body when he sees what that statement does to Louis' face. 

Louis looks like someone has just slapped him across the face and stripped away all his dignity.  Looks like Harry has just told him he's replaceable and unimportant.

Harry.  Harry _hates_ making Louis feel anything less than the strong, intelligent, and wonderful man he is.  He does. 

He vows to himself to never do that again and bites his lip in regret.  He could punch himself right now.

Louis has long since grabbed the items from the fridge and sat himself at the table with an open bottle of tequila and shot glasses.  When Harry sits down across from him, Louis has already chugged half a bottle.

"Do you enjoy tormenting me?  I know you know."  Louis says.

"What do I know?"  Harry asks carefully.

"How much I hate being treated like a child.  I don't know if you do it on purpose or not.  Didn't know if you were being an insensitive asshole or not and what I did to deserve that."  Louis says mostly void of emotion.

Harry doesn't say anything for a long moment.  He lets himself feel bad- worse- than he already felt.  Let's Louis hate him a little bit. 

Louis speaks up again though.  This time with more purpose behind his words.  "I got enough of that indirectly from Zayn, and a lot of it from my dad.  I don't need it with you and if that's how you're going to treat me, there's the fucking door."  Louis points to his front door.

So.  Harry has managed to unearth two broad and deep rooted tragedies of Louis' past with one statement.  One, of which, he's only heard talked about twice. 

He's found the one thing Louis won't let happen to himself again, and Harry honestly respects the hell out of him for setting that boundary down hard and clear.

"I'm sorry.  You didn't deserve that."  Harry says and pops the cap off a tequila bottle for a few sips.

"Why did you say it then?"  Louis looks at Harry like he's been hurt.  Like he never expected Harry to hurt him in that way.  Like he's broken a string of Louis' trust for him.

'I want you to hurt the way I hurt.'  Harry wants to say, but doesn't.  He doesn't because it's not the right time yet.  So he drinks to avoid answering; falls back on drinking like it's always been the only escape to his situation.

Louis purses his lips and nods like he's gotten his answer.  He finishes the bottle of tequila and opens another one.

Harry knows Louis knows it was to hurt him.  If Louis hasn't already figured out that Harry is holding resentment for something, he sure as hell knows now. 

Harry also knows this is where he's hit safe territory because Louis won't bring it up.  Won't bring it up because that means talking about why Harry feels resentful in the first place which will undoubtedly have something to do with one of Louis' flaws. 

Louis is the first to call Harry out on his shit, but not if the root cause of it has to do with one of Louis' shortcomings.

Mind games.  They've gotten too good at them with each other.  And it's been a slowly unravelling discovery for them both, he thinks.  It's the amount of time they spent as shallower, surface level friends and can see that façade when it's up.  It's the way they jumped in too intimately, too recklessly and saw the deep and unrestrained parts of each other's souls.  The way they've figured out each other's hot buttons and areas of avoidance.

This is exactly why they need to start communicating.  So Harry isn't resentful and Louis stops avoiding, and they stop with the mind games.

The mood is heavy, and Harry really needs to lighten it somehow, but finds it hard when he feels like such shit about himself. 

He wonders idly if that's another thing he can empathize with Louis on now.  The need for someone else to give you permission to deescalate and get back into a better mood.

Harry has to be that person though.  He has to because Louis can't be that person for him when they're both feeling like shit.

He decides to start with music.  Music because it's a strong tie that they've shared with each other.  Something for them to gauge each other's moods off of.  Harry grabs his phone from the counter and turns his Coldplay playlist on so that it sings softly through the speakers.

Louis smiles.  "Is this supposed to be helping or hurting?"

Harry can't help but smile back at him a little.  "Well it got you to smile."

Louis makes eye contact with him.  "I think you know me too well."

Harry breathes out something that resembles a laugh. 

"So we're having a chocolate cake Coldplay night then?"  Louis asks.

Harry looks up at Louis because he thinks Louis is trying here.  This is Louis trying to be that person for Harry.  Trying to forget his problems for a moment to help Harry smile again.

And he does.  He smiles.  "I just know how much you like chocolate, so..."

"So I really am intrigued.  How does this work?"  Louis stares pointedly at the alcohols in front of him and finishes off his second tequila.

"Well."  Harry shifts his jaw, thinking about it, even though he already knows Louis' answer.  "Do you want to do it the easy and quick way, or the complex and messy way?"

"Shame on me for assuming you knew me well."  Louis plays like he's a little bit offended.

Harry takes another sip to hide a grin that threatens to take over his face because he's more excited and less vindictive for the whole situation than he thought he would be.  It feels a little more like they're on the same wave length as each other and doing this as a couple verses Harry trying to manipulate Louis.

He thinks Louis might know though.  He thinks Louis can tell something is up that will end in a way he's uncomfortable with, but is letting it happen and won't address it because he doesn't want to know.  Because he trusts Harry to get him to the point where he will be comfortable.

"I love you so much."  Harry can't help but say. 

Louis cocks his head to the side, seemingly oblivious to Harry's internal conversation.  "I love you so much too."

"Well, first things first, we need to get naked."  Harry says, and Louis is already standing up and shucking off his knee-high socks and boxers.

"I'm already a step ahead of you."  Louis says proudly.

Harry chuckles.  "Right.  So since we're going complex and messy, I'm going to commit to bottoming first for a bit because I need to focus on staying hard.  But we'll switch so you can have a turn too."

Louis' eyes are wide, properly intrigued and amused. 

Harry finishes off his bottle of tequila and sets it on the counter then strips down.  Back at the table, he opens one of the packs of powdered sugar and dumps it all over Louis' kitchen table.

"All you've done for weeks is clean my damn house, and- what the fuck are you doing?!"  Louis laughs as Harry sits his bare ass cheeks on the table covered in powdered sugar.

"C'mere, I'm going to need your help love."  Harry smiles like he holds all the secrets in the world.

Louis promptly stands at the edge of the table, waiting for further instruction.

Harry leans in for a kiss because he really fucking does love Louis.  Through everything, he loves Louis.  Loves that he gets to share experiences like these with him.  Commits to himself that he'll make an effort to experience as many things as possible with Louis.

Louis licks into his mouth for a moment but pulls away.  "Tell me what to do!  I'm too excited now to just snog you."

"Open the vodka and Frangelico and pour some on my body."  Harry bites his lip.  "Hope you don't mind getting sticky."

Louis opens the bottles faster than Harry can finish his sentence and is dumping a few hearty splashes across Harry's front and back with each different alcohol.  He makes a point to rub it in with his hands and can't help but suck on his shoulder and tweak his nipples, making Harry squeak.

"That is not part of the process, dick."  Harry kisses his forehead.

"You love it."  Louis kisses Harry's lips with his own sticky ones.  "Have I sufficiently covered you in booze?"

"Let's find out!"  Harry exclaims then lays back on the table and starfishes into the powdered sugar, rolling his front and back into the white dust.

Louis is laughing his ass off at Harry's antics, and Harry sits back up, wiping some powder from his eyes. 

"You look fucking adorable.  You should see yourself."  Louis reaches out to clean a stripe of sugar with his thumb then sucks on it.  "I'm perfectly content with the plan stopping here.  This is brilliant and I don't know why we haven't done it before."

Harry lays, belly up, on the table.  "Well feel free to enjoy it for a bit.  I do need to get hard, so..."

Louis has his mouth around Harry's cock in seconds, and Harry moans out.  The sticky alcohol with the granules of sugar clumping up and dragging against his dick feels like happiness.

Louis' nose, chin, and lips are coated in powdered sugar and he smiles at Harry.  "This is fucking amazing." 

He takes the time to mumble before sucking up remaining clumps of sugar that have gathered around the base of Harry's cock.

Harry smiles because he loves seeing Louis so thrilled.

"Fucking delicious."  Louis whispers again before going down on Harry for another minute for good measure.

Harry bites his lip, tasting sugary sweetness there and swallowing it as his cock fills until it's nice and hard in Louis' mouth.

Louis looks up at him attentively with white now smudged all up the sides of his cheeks and some on his forehead.  "You're hard.  What next?"

"Okay this is where the real work comes in.  Pour a half and half shot.  Place the lemon securely around my dick.  Drink the shot, lick a stripe of powdered sugar, then suck my dick like your life depends on it."  Harry explains.

"God I fucking love you."  Louis looks at Harry like he's just announced the cure for cancer.  "And you swear this tastes like chocolate cake?  You're not messing with me?"

Harry holds a hand to the square.  "I can do it first if you don't believe me."

Louis pushes him down onto the table.  "Don't be ridiculous.  I get first dibs on this set up."

Harry watches as Louis pours a shot, picks up Harry's carefully engineered lemon slices and fits the cut open center around the tip of Harry's cock so that the triangled insides of the fruit are sticking straight up and the rind is laying closer towards the base of Harry's cock.

"Soooo, have you done this before?  Or are you just incredibly inventive when it comes to these things?"  Louis asks, genuinely curious.

Harry shrugs, feeling some powdered sugar fall from his shoulders into his hair.  "Inventive I guess.  Anyone can stick a lemon wedge in their mouth after taking a shot.  Why not get creative with it?"

Louis holds Harry's dick so it's positioned straight up.  "The lemon's not going to hurt you?"

Harry props himself up on his elbows and wiggles his eyebrows.  "I guess we'll find out." 

"Okay, count down for me."  Louis bites his bottom lip.

"Three.  Two..."  Harry nods his head and grins manically.  "One!"

Louis takes the shot, licks a long stripe up Harry's sex lines, then places his mouth around the lemon and Harry's dick and hollows his cheeks out to suck the juice from the slice.

"Whaaaaaaa!"  Louis shrieks as he pulls his mouth from Harry and shakes his head from the aftertaste of the lemon.  "Oh my God!  It tastes like chocolate cake!"

"Huzzah!"  Harry cheers, and Louis climbs on the table with him to kiss him.  Harry winces away.  "Holy shit, you taste like lemons."

"Lucky for you, I have a solution for Your Highness."  Louis ducks down to lick a long stripe along the length of Harry's clavicle, and then meets Harry's lips again with a mouth full of powdered sugar.

Harry winces, this time from the sweetness, but loves it and exchanges the sugar mouth-to-mouth with Louis anyway. 

Louis pulls away.  "Okay, I'm going again."

Harry smirks, very pleased that Louis is so into this.

Instead of getting back on the ground though, Louis reverse straddles Harry and pours himself a shot then changes the used lemon on Harry's dick for a fresh slice.

"Count down for me babes."  Louis says over his shoulder.

"Ten."  Harry taunts.

Louis gives him a playful slap to the side of his bum.

"Five."  Harry chuckles.

"Don't tease Harold."  Louis shoots him a look over his shoulder.

"Two."  Harry raises his eyebrows.

Louis rolls his eyes with all the fond in the world.

"Go!"  Harry cheers.

Louis shoots back the alcohol, licks the inside of Harry's thigh this time, then sucks at the head of his cock again.

Louis swivels around and bounces up and down.  "This is the best!  I get cake and I'm eating it too!  And it's chocolate!"

Harry laughs and it's really only the beginning of the next half hour that Louis gradually gets tipsier and more inventive with the body shots. 

The lemon slices get places around a cluster of Harry's fingers, toes, and even worked around his ear at some point that resulted in getting some juice in the shell of Harry's ear and causing lots of shrieking on his part.

There's more laughing as they open a new bag of powdered sugar for Louis to coat himself in, and Harry only takes two shots, but spends most of his time licking the lines of Louis' body while Louis giggles to himself.

Louis looks gorgeous though.  There's powdered sugar splotched across his face and caked in his hair.  There's a thick buildup of sticky, white crust around where his goatee normally is, except for that it's been shaved, so it's just skin and sugar. 

They laugh like it's easy between them again.  Like they don't have any problems and they've never been heartbroken and time doesn't exist.  Like nothing in the world exists except for Coldplay and chocolate cake.  It's soft and intimate with the only loud noises being the beautiful sound of each other's amusement.

Louis' erection is starting to go down with how much he's drank, so Harry goes back to kissing him for a while before insisting they switch places again.

"No, I'm-" Louis giggles, "I'm too drunk for more shots.  I don't want to black out."

"Too drunk for sex, but not drunk enough to black out."  Harry pushes a clump of hair behind Louis' ear.  "I think I have you right where I want you Louis Tomlinson."

"You 'nd your drinking ploys.  You play so dirty Harold.  I knew it from the moment I walked through the door."  Louis nuzzles into Harry's neck.

"I hope you don't hate me for it in the morning."  Harry kisses Louis' forehead and gets some more powdered sugar on his lips.

"No.  I could never hate you."  Louis sighs.  "You fucked me looking like a drag queen.  Nothing could make me hate you more than that."

Harry giggles, teetering on the side of buzzed.  "It was worth it."

"So what d'you want with me?"  Louis asks.  "Is this about why you don't ever look at me when you come anymore?"

So. Louis has noticed.  Harry feels sobered up some from that statement.  "Yeah, it is actually.  Shall I run us a bath?"

Louis lets his head loll to the side.  "That sounds wonderful."

Harry hoists himself off the kitchen table and into a pile of powdered sugar on the floor.  He isn't arsed to care about tracking it on the carpet down the hall as he makes his way into the bathroom.  He gets it running, drops a bath bomb in to make it fizz and adds soap for lots of bubbles. 

He goes back into the kitchen to scoop up his powdered sugar Louis from the kitchen table bridal style in his arms. 

Louis wraps his arms around Harry's neck.  "You're not leaving are you?  You're staying in California with me?"

"I want to stay here with you Louis.  But I have limits too."  Harry says diplomatically.

"What d'you mean?"  Louis rests his head deeper into Harry's neck.

"You won't put up with me treating you like a child.  I won't put up with being treated like my needs are dismissible or less important than yours."  Harry gives him a kiss to his temple.

"You feel like I don't treat you equally?"  Louis asks.

"I feel like our relationship is unbalanced right now."  Harry responds.

"Because you're having sex with me and you don't want to."  Louis says the question as a statement.

"Yes love."  Harry sets Louis into the bathtub.  "I do love being intimate with you.  But I don't feel right about it right now."

Louis moans as he's set into the water.  "Why not?"

"Because I feel like it's coming from an unhealthy and toxic place."  Harry shuts off the running water now that the tub is mostly full.

"I love the bubbles."  Louis' runs his hands through the bubbles.  "I like having sex with you because it reminds me that you're real.  It grounds me.  It makes me feel like I'm still lovable."

Harry sighs.  "Louis, why didn't you just tell me that in the first place?"

Louis shrugs.  "I didn't want to bring it up.  Does this mean we're going to stop?"

Harry runs a hand through his matted hair because this changes things.  Shit, if Louis wasn't so god damned difficult and would have just told Harry that up front rather than locking himself in the bathroom and threatening to hurt himself with a knife, it probably wouldn't even be an issue right now.

"I don't know."  Harry says honestly.

"What can I do to get you to keep having sex with me?"  Louis rests his face on the side of the porcelain tub.

Harry can't help but pet his hair some more.  "Can we start by addressing some concerns I have?  I just really- Louis, I _need_ to talk through things.  Especially with you.  I need to know where the lines and boundaries and expectations are.  I won't love you less for your answers, I just need to know."

Louis nods dejectedly against the porcelain.  "I assume you have an hour or two before I start sobering up some more and clamming up."

Harry moves to lower himself into the tub with Louis.  "We'll start there then.  That's my number one concern is that you don't talk to me when you're sober.  You have to be under the influence of things to talk about more... difficult things."

"So then let's plan a monthly Intoxicate and Informate night."  Louis giggles.

Harry smiles.  "Informate?"

"Informate."  Louis confirms with another snicker.

"So you want to be in a relationship with someone who intoxicates you once a month so that they can talk to you properly?"  Harry raises an eyebrow.

Louis shrugs, his shoulder hitting the edge of the tub.  "I don't see myself opening up whilst being sober any time soon.  It's better to talk than to not talk.  So..."

Well.  There's an option, Harry supposes. 

Louis is clever.  Very clever.  It's all just mental with him and he thinks he's not capable of it by himself, but he really is.

"I'd really like to not rely on substances for vital parts of our relationship though."  Harry voices his concern with Louis' most recent proposition.

Louis sits upright again, stabilizing himself against the wall from sitting up too quickly.  "You get conversations, and it's not emotionally taxing for me to be a part of them.  What more do you want Harry?  If you get much pickier, you'll end up like Liam.  What you see is what you get, and I think it's a pretty damn reasonable compromise for the both of us if I'm being honest."

So.  That's very true. 

Harry can't expect Louis to compromise if Harry isn't willing to do the same.  So maybe Harry has to get him tipsy once in a while for some harder conversations.  But Louis is acquiescing to it as well.  If it means they'll overall be in a healthier place, Harry really can't complain. 

Maybe it will change in the future, maybe it won't.  But for now, Harry gets to address things, and Louis doesn't feel emotionally unstable.

"You know what?  You're right.  I think that's a great idea."  Harry turns Louis around.  "You're okay with that though?  I really don't want you feeling taken advantage of or manipulated.  I can't live feeling that way."

"I'm the one who suggested it dork."  Louis says as Harry tips his head back into the water.  "It makes me feel good too because I know I'm giving you something you need, but at a low cost from me."

Harry mostly just tries to take that statement for what it's worth and not look too much farther into it as he rinses Louis' hair.  "Okay.  We'll do that then.  Do you want any kind of warning for Intoxicate and Informate nights?"

Louis shakes his head, splashing water onto the sides of his face.  "I'll think about it all day and find way out of it.  It's better to just assault me with it."

"If you say so."  Harry gets the shampoo to work into his hair.  "That brings me to my next point."

"The fact that we have different shampoos?"  Louis purrs as Harry scratches his scalp.

"No.  Assault."  Harry says.

"What about a pepper?"  Louis cackles.  "You give those to me all the time."

"Louis, you slapped me once."  Harry says sadly.

Louis turns around so quickly that some bath water splashes over the edge of the tub.  "And you fucking choked me once.  I think we can call it fair."

"I'm really sorry about that.  In fact, I tried to apologize to you about it, but you didn't fucking want to talk about it which is why I'm bringing it up now."  Harry presses.

"So talk.  What the fuck do you want from me?"  Louis bites out.

Harry feels himself getting worked up again and has to remind himself that's what got them here in the first place, so he takes a breath instead.  "I want to know if you're ever going to do it again.  I was really bothered by it and I'm not okay with hitting out of anger.  It's another one of my hard lines."

Louis looks down at the bubbles in his palms.  "I've never hit anyone before.  That was the first time I ever did that."

This is new information to Harry.  But.  When he thinks about it, based on the information he knows about Louis and Zayn's relationship, he can't imagine Louis ever slapping Zayn.  Other than that, Harry doesn't think Louis has been around anyone else long enough to want to hit them. 

Well, his friend Liam.

"You never did to Liam?"  Harry asks.

Louis shakes his head. 

"Why me?"  Harry has to ask.

"I had never been so... embarrassed.  Humiliated.  Angry.  Scared."  Louis bites at his bottom lip.  "It was our first row, and you have been the most important person in my life in years and I was just... I didn't know how to... I don't know.  I was just angry and you were there and you weren't Zayn.  Doesn't mean I ever had a right to hit you though.  I'm so- I'm so sorry."  Louis leans forward into Harry's chest.

Harry holds him close.  "It's okay babe.  I know it's not who you are."

Louis shakes his head and sniffles into Harry's chest.  "It's not.  I'm sorry.  I won't do it again.  I promise I won't."

"Kay, it's alright love.  You don't need to cry.  I still love you, I just don't want to get in any kind of domestic abuse situation."  Harry kisses his head that's still full of shampoo.

Louis pulls away and sniffles, wiping his nose with his arm and then rinsing it off in the water.  Harry smiles and turns him around to clean the shampoo from his hair.

"Well what else then?"  Louis asks like he's being tortured.

"Can we actually take a brief intermission and can I tell you a story next?"  Harry asks.

"Will there be fudge?"  Louis turns to look at Harry hopefully.

Harry furrows his eyebrows.  "Wha-"

"My mom and dad took me to see the Nutcracker when I was little.  My dad bought me fudge during the intermission."  Louis says seriously.

Harry can't decide which thing he wants to ask more about, but decides on the one that will make Louis happiest.  "I can go get some if you want... I'd have to go to the store though.  I don't buy fudge normally..."

Louis shakes his head.  "Stay here and keep touching me instead please.  I choose you over fudge any day."

Harry gives him a lopsided grin.  "Your dad-?"

Louis shakes his head furiously.  "Story time, remember?  You're telling me a story first."

Harry mulls it over for a second before deciding that's fine.  He's still got quite a bit of time.  He uncaps the conditioner and turns Louis around again, then massages conditioner into his hair.

"I was 15 and realizing that I liked guys as well as girls.  I was wrestling with Niall as most teenage boys do with one another, and back then I was really frail and gangly."  Harry says. 

Louis gives him a look of disbelief.

Harry smiles.  "I know.  Very different than how I look now.  Anyway.  That week my cousin had been staying with us, so I was kicked to the couch.  What that meant for me is that I couldn't wank in peace for about a week.  At 15, that was one of the worst hells imaginable."

Louis shudders.  "15 in general is a nightmare."

Harry dunks Louis' hair underwater again and threads his fingers through his now clean and soft hair.  It's shorter now, since Louis has gotten a haircut; but not so short that it doesn't still fringe over the tops of his ears.

"I was wrestling with Niall and he had me pinned on my stomach.  He was sitting on my back, facing my bum and I started kicking my legs at him to try and get him off of me.  He retaliated by pinning my thighs to the floor by grabbing the backs of my knees and squeezing really hard."  Harry helps Louis upright again and Louis is looking at him with more understanding now.

"So there was the angst, and the sexuality crisis, and the not wanking for a week, and my best friends bum rubbing on my back, and my front being squished against the carpet.  The squeeze is what did me in ultimately and I came in my pants with Niall on top of me."  Harry finishes that part of story that feels so, so long ago.

"That's... kind of horrifying."  Louis contemplates.

"I thought so too.  Niall was, oddly enough, actually fascinated by the whole ordeal.  It was a while before he brought it up again, but when he did, it was to ask permission if he could try and get me to an orgasm like that again."  Harry grabs the loofah to squirt some soap onto it.  "Naturally, that was like, the scenario of my dreams, so of fucking course I let him play with me until I came." 

He rubs it into slow circles on Louis' shoulder, causing the soap to foam up.  "It's not that I had any kind of preference for the backs of my knees by any means.  But a lot of angst and hormones and a couple hundred incidents to associate to the physical spot, and it kind of became a turn on point for me."

"So every time someone touches the backs of your knees, you think of Niall?"  Louis asks.

"No."  Harry shakes his head.  "It's become such a common thing that my brain has dissociated it from Niall and just kind of adapted it to being a physiological thing for my body.  Trust me, when you do it, I'm not thinking of Niall.  But it does spike that instant chemical release in me though. So."

"Talk about teenage baggage.  Jesus Christ."  Louis bats the loofah out of Harry's hand and places Harry's hands on his shoulders.

Harry chuckles and massages more soap into Louis' skin.  "So when I officially came out to Niall, he was weirded out by everything for a while, but then said it didn't really change anything, so we went back to doing what we always did.  It was like a friend thing we did anyway."

Louis tries imitating an impression of Harry as a teenager.  "'Hey friend, want to come over today to study, then, I dunno, touch me till I get off?'  'Oh yeah, sure!  That sounds brill mate.  I'll make us hot pockets.'"

"Sure."  Harry rolls his eyes.  "Anyway.  Then a little while later I confessed my love for Niall to his face, and he was really off about the whole situation.  He didn't talk to me for weeks, but I knew he was just sorting things out.  He calls me up and we go for drinks and he tells me it's fine.  He said he didn't have any 'gay feelings' towards me and felt badly, but said we could still be friends if it's what I wanted.  Obviously I wasn't about to throw my best friend away just because I had a crush on him, so again, nothing really changed."

"See, that's where I have a problem.  Like obviously Niall enjoyed getting you off this whole time.  How could you not tell that he was bisexual or gay?"  Louis points out.

"It's hard to tell when you're in it.  Especially with someone that I didn't want to make a wrong move with.  I never wanted to make Niall uncomfortable by asking about his sexuality or pointing out any kind of inconsistencies in his behavior.  Why would I?"  Harry asks rhetorically.

"You're pretty quick to do so with me."  Louis mumbles.  "Obviously not sexuality, but other things."

"Yeah, well.  I grew up some."  Harry says. 

"Sorry I interrupted.  Was that the end of the story?"  Louis asks.

"No.  You made me lose track though..." Harry picks up the loofah again to scrub one of Louis' arms.  "Oh, right.  Well things became more... intimate between Niall and I after I told him I loved him.  Like, he was just softer with me during certain moments.  I dunno how to explain it.  But nothing crazy that made me evaluate what our relationship meant because it had been there for so long.  But then you enter the picture."

Louis' shoulders sag.  "I liked when this was just a story of your past.  I feel like I came along and fucked everything up."

"No love."  Harry kisses Louis' hand, then picks up his other arm to clean.  "I've never been so grateful that Niall clotheslined me in practice and fucked up my wrist.  I might have never properly gotten a chance to meet you.  Maybe I would have ended up having Blake give me a massage or something.  Or maybe you would have still be the masseuse and fucked things up, but I wouldn't have talked to you like I did."

"We would have found each other."  Louis says surely.

Harry's heart does warm flips at that.  "Regardless, I'm glad we did."  Harry kisses his shoulder.

"Continue."  Louis says, leaning back into Harry's chest.  "I like how you tell stories."

Harry kisses his ear.  "So I met you and was incredibly turned on by your lovely little body you have.  I didn't expect much at first because up until then I had been fucking around with whomever at college.  But the night we got sushi together is when I took a step back and really saw you as a person.  A person that had me saying 'Wow, what a genuine guy.  I really want to get to know him.'  And it wasn't just about hooking up with you anymore.  But I tested the boundaries with you a couple times to see where you were at with things because I knew- I _knew_ \- you liked me too."

"Oh shush.  I'm the most incognito with my feelings.  You had no clue."  Louis tries to sound sly.

"Sure babe."  Harry turns him around to wash his chest.  "I eventually accepted the fact that you were incredibly gun shy and weren't about to open yourself up to me, and that was fine- disappointing- but fine, because I valued you as a person above everything else.  In the meantime though, yeah, I was still getting off with Niall because it's what we had done for years and I didn't really see any reason for that to change."

Louis cuts in.  "Okay that's fair, but you said-"

"I wasn't done love."  Harry interrupts gently.

"Right."  Louis mumbles.  "Sorry."

"It's fine dear."  Harry cups his hands to rinse the soap off Louis' chest.  "So when you got back from LA is when we started having sex and that's when things started to change with Niall too.  He became more aloof and I told him I wasn't comfortable letting him get me off anymore because I already had-and was continuing to develop- really strong feelings towards you."

Harry wishes he had brought something to drink because his mouth is starting to go dry.  It's a wonderful feeling.

"Niall didn't like hearing that and so one night he decides to confide in me that he thinks he's gay.  He begs me to go drinking with him under the pretenses that he felt that he was losing his best friend and himself and needed a sense of normalcy.  I obliged and got too drunk and he got me off that night.  Shortly after which, he said he thought he enjoyed too much and then smashed his hand with a beer bottle.  Hence the hospital incident and that small time period that I sort of ignored you and stumbled into your work hungover and smelling like booze."  Harry says.

Louis nods and regards Harry seriously.  "I'm really sorry.  I didn't know that all that was going on.  I feel like an even bigger ass."

Harry wants to shake him a little and reiterate his point that if they would have talked about it in the first place, it wouldn't be an issue.  That will get him nowhere though, so he hugs Louis instead.

Louis yawns into his chest. "'M really tired Hazza."

"Let me clean off, then we can get in bed okay?"  Harry grabs the shampoo again, this time to quickly rinse his hair.

"You can keep talking though.  I know you have more to say."  Louis rubs his eyes.

"I just want you to know that morning you woke me up by touching the backs of my knees in my bed- I didn't think it was Niall because I _wanted_ it to be Niall.  It's simply because it's really only ever been Niall."  Harry explains.

Louis nods slowly.  "I see that now.  I'm sorry for being so dense before.  I didn't really mean to make it into a big deal... it just kind of ended up becoming one because I was stressed and scared again.  Our _relationship_ relationship was still so new, you know?"

"Yeah babe, I know."  Harry rinses off his body and conditions his hair then unplugs the drain.  He gets the fluffiest towel to wrap Louis in, then carries him across the hall to his bed.

Louis snuggles into the sheets.  "Sorry I'm sleepy.  I know you still want to talk more."

Harry crawls in next to him to spoon him.  "Its fine love.  We have time."

"Wasn't so bad y'know?"  Louis yawns again.  "Wasn't as bad as I thought.  The talking."

"I'm happy to hear that."  Harry breathes a sigh of relief.  "I love you Louis.  Thank you."

"Thank you in advance for taking care of my hangover tomorrow."  Louis whispers and then is snoring seconds later.

Harry presses a kiss to the back of his head.  "I'll be here for every single one of them."

The last thing he sees before closing his eyes are the red Zen symbols on the wall, and he can't help but think that this is probably the closest he's felt to Zen in a long time.

~~~


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: I've been writing a Larry BDSM story. How would you feel about me posting that in the near future?

Thank you so much, as always for the comments and kudos <3 Love hearing what you guys have to say :D

-Dannie           

Twitter: [@LemonSuccubus](http://www.twitter.com/lemonsuccubus) or [@dannieybarra](http://www.twitter.com/dannieybarra)

~~~

Harry wakes up with his head pounding.

Fucking sugar and alcohol.  Worst combination ever.

Well at least as far as hangovers are concerned.

He looks at his sleeping Louis and picks up his phone to text Kara.

**Heyyyyy..... so I'm calling in sick for Louis today.... I already know there's no getting him out of bed...**

Harry slips into some sweats, then heads down to the kitchen to drink three bottles of water and takes some ibuprofen. 

He sits at the table and watches as Kara's text comes in.

**He can't miss today Harry, I'm sorry. He has a conference with the regional manager at 2.**

Harry sighs.

**He'll be in by 2 then. He needs more sleep though- Hayden can explain.**

Harry grabs a fourth water bottle, praying that it will help his headache subside faster.  He rubs at his temples for a bit, trying to massage the headache away, and then pours himself a glass of orange juice.

He stares at his phone for a minute before opening the web browser and clicking the search bar.

**How to clean blood off walls**

It's only 10 minutes later when Harry discovers that dried blood is more difficult to get off than fresh blood; but a simple solution of bleach, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, and warm soap water should do the trick.

Harry taps his fingers on the table, thinking he has all the items needed already.  He probably should stop by the store for more groceries today though.  He has to tell Hayden about the results of last night too, so he should stop by Namaste first.  He'll bring her some Masala Chai. 

In fact, he should brew some for Louis.  Aside from the predictable whiskey shot he'll beg for, some caffeine will help his headache too.  Harry will just put less sugar and more cinnamon in it to cleanse his system a little quicker.  Then he'll make him some bacon and sausage breakfast burritos because he'll want something salty and greasy for breakfast.

He gets a pot brewing and is pulling the milk out of the fridge when his phone starts ringing.

He sets the milk to the side to answer his phone.

"Miguel!  Buenos dias.  Como estas?"  Harry trips over the simple Spanish greeting since he hasn't really spoken to anyone but Louis the last three weeks.

"Tsk, tsk, Harry.  Your Spanish was a train wreck to begin with, but it's only gotten worse."  Miguel laughs.

"Well I know you didn't call me this early in the morning to make fun of me.  Now what's up?"  Harry stirs some milk into his chai concoction and watches the colors swirl together.

"My brother wants to know if you're going to continue renting his basement.  He says his sister-in-law wants to move in if you're done."  Miguel says.

Harry's heart races a little quicker because it's a fork in the road.  It's a definite fork that Harry has to make an adult decision about. 

He knows Louis wants Harry to continue living with him, but giving up his flat?  God, that's a permanent decision.  That's... that's _moving in_ with Louis.  His not-boyfriend.  His not-boyfriend that he has known less than a year. 

Logically, it's not a great decision.  Harry knows he wouldn't be feeling conflicted if it were a good decision. 

He wants to put full faith and trust in Louis, but even after last night, he still _can't_.  All he can hear is his mom's voice in the back of his head.

_"I just hoped that the boy your father and I raised would know better.  Maybe he's not into drugs anymore, and maybe he's blinding you with lust right now, but remember that those things don't last forever.  Druggies always will crave what they can't have and lust fades quicker than your youth.  I just hoped you'd be smarter than this Harry."_

"Harry?"  Miguel questions at Harry's silence.

"God, no, I need to keep it.  Just... one more month maybe.  I dunno.  Plus, all my stuff is there and I'd have to drive out to move it and I'm 10 hours away so I wouldn't be able to move it that soon anyway."  Harry rushes out.

"You know I could go take care of that for you if you wanted?  I will help you however you need."  Miguel offers.

"No, no.  I need to keep it.  I can't afford a place here yet."  Harry swears under his breath when he realizes what he just said.

"If you can't afford a place there then..."  Miguel trails off.  "You're living with him?"

Jesus.  Harry wishes he could chuck his phone out into the Pacific because it's easier when all Harry has to worry about is himself and Louis.

"Yeah."  He admits.  It's not that he's worried about Miguel judging him.  He's just worried about Miguel telling him things he already knows and doesn't want to hear.

"You've been living with him for three weeks?  Are you- are you moving back here then?  Things didn't go how you hoped?"  Miguel asks.

"Um... no.  Things are going well actually.  He took some time off and we've been... taking it slowish.  Just trying to get back into the groove of things.  He talked to me a lot last night."  Harry adds some cinnamon and all spice into the pot on the stove and stirs it in.

"You sound... what's the word?  Like you don't know what you want..."  Miguel hums.

"Ambivalent?"  Harry sighs.

"Yes.  You sound ambivalent."  Miguel confirms.  "Why?"

"Louis just... he has really great days and some really not-so-great days.  It's just hard to tell if he's overall improving or staying the same.  It's like someone threw paint at a scatter plot and told you to interpret it, you know?"  Harry pulls two mugs from the cupboard and pours the tea into them. 

"So I just don't know if what we have is anywhere near stable or if it's just like, a lot of lust and pining.  I don't know how long until I become less important than he is to himself.  Or drugs.  So if that happens, I want to have a flat to come back to and a clear conscience of not making an emotionally charged decision.  Plus, I don't want to hear it from my mom if I have to move in with her because I thought it would be a good idea to put all my trust into one of the most mentally volatile people I've ever met in my life."  Harry says.

It feels really, really good to speak honestly and just tell Miguel all the things he thinks.  The things he probably wouldn't even ever bring up with Louis because some things are better left unsaid.

Harry turns around to set the mugs on the table and drops them both when he sees Louis sitting at the kitchen table.  "Fucking hell!"

Louis keeps a straight face.  "Did I scare you?"

"Fuck, fuck."  Harry scrambles to catch his phone before it falls too.  "Miguel, I have to go-"

"No, no."  Louis raises his eyebrows.  "Don't stop on account of me.  This has been very informative."

Harry doesn't bother waiting for a response from Miguel and hangs up his phone then tosses it onto the counter.  "Louis, I... _fuck_.  How long have you been sitting there?"

Louis, dressed in slacks, a button up and blazer, just blinks at him.  "I would love to chat, but I actually have to go to work."

"I called in sick for you..."  Harry says.

"Yes, Kara told me.  I however, will be going in to work anyway.  So I'll see you later."  The chair screeches as Louis stands up and grabs his car keys from the key dish.

Harry hops over the pile of broken glass on the floor to grabs Louis' elbow.  "Wait, Louis.  Just wait, we should talk about this."

Louis yanks his arm away.  "I thought we already fucking did, _Harry_.  You said _weeks_ ago you were going to tell your landlord to rent it out to someone else because you were living with me now.  I reiterated _last fucking night_ that I wanted you living with me permanently and that I wanted to be in a stable relationship.  So _no_ , we're _not_ talking about this.  In fact, I don't want you fucking talking to me _at all_ until you look up 'hypocritical' in the god damned dictionary!"

"Louis!  Hang on!"  Harry chases after Louis who has already left the kitchen and slammed the garage door button to open it.

"Fuck off Harry!"  Louis yells and gets in the driver's seat of his car.

Harry goes to shove his hand in the door, but upon seeing that Louis is going to slam it shut regardless, he quickly pulls it out of danger and slams his hand against the window instead.  "Louis!"

Louis flips him off with a condescending eye roll, then backs out of the garage and Harry is left standing alone in the garage in nothing but his sweatpants.

"God fucking damn it!"  Harry screams at no one in particular.  "Fuck!  _Fuck!_ "

Harry grips tightly into his hair and huffs in frustration.  He slams the garage door button to shut on his way in the house and wants to hit something really hard.

He's about to put his fist through Louis' kitchen cabinet, when he thinks ahead a few steps to where he'll end up having to repair it himself and explain to Louis that he is, in fact, hypocritical and can physically damage things, but Louis can't.

That bottles him up just a bit more to where he really couldn't be arsed to care either way.  He opts for slamming his hand against the countertop and screaming until his palm and lungs burn.

His head collapses forward into the crook of his elbow as he leans against the cool granite for a moment.  He feels a drop of sweat roll down his temple and pool on his arm.  When he lifts his head up, he realizes there's another small pool on his arm where tears have fallen.

He sniffles and wipes the tears off his face with the back of his arm and shuffles under the sink for cleaning supplies. 

He fills up a bucket with warm water and hauls it into the bathroom.  He hooks his phone up to Louis' speaker and blasts dubstep through the tiled room as he puts every ounce of energy into scrubbing Louis' god damned blood off the wall.

It takes going through the process of bleaching and scrubbing twice to get the wall clean; and once he's done there, he hauls the bucket full of pink water into their- his- _the_ \- damn bedroom. 

He hauls the bed from the wall and scrubs until his arms are burning and dripping with bloody water.  His torso becomes streaked with streams of liquid by the time he's on the third wall.  Gary regards him by peeking his head above the surface of the rippling water.

Most of the Magic Eraser has disappeared by now, so he ends up grinding his knuckles into the wall more than he intended, but they only get rubbed a little pink.  The elastic hem of his sweatpants have soaked up a good amount of water and his hands are completely pruned. 

He finishes scrubbing off the last Zen symbol, wishing he had punched Zayn just a little bit harder and wishing he could blame this on him too.

Harry knows this one is on him though.

He drops what's left of the Eraser in the murky bucket and lays down on the floor.  "Gary, I'm a fucking idiot."

He looks up to the salamander who is just swimming around in circles.

"I'm still really fucking hungover."  He stares at the ceiling. 

He contemplates calling Miguel back, but really doesn't want to have to explain what just happened because that's a long ass story with a lot more details than he'd care to divulge or burden Miguel with. 

He calls Hayden instead.

"Whaddup bitch?"  She answers on the first ring.

"Louis overheard me asking my landlords brother for another month in my basement apartment in Arizona, after which I inferred our relationship was lust driven and that he is mentally volatile."  Harry says sickly.

"Damn son.  And how did he react?"  Hayden asks.

"He told me to look up 'hypocritical' in the dictionary then fucking left for work."  Harry says like it's not what Louis is supposed to do on a normal Thursday morning.  "He didn't even eat breakfast."  Harry whines.

"I'm sure Kara will call something in for him.  So you had a great night, then fucked it up less than 24 hours later?"  Hayden trivializes.  "Kara told me you texted in sick for him.  You must have gotten him pretty plastered."

Harry huffs.  "It went so well Hay.  He was talking and happy about it and was understanding and we fell asleep so... so content.  We figured some shit out, and he agreed to having Informate and Intoxicate nights in the future."

"Informate?"  Hayden asks.

"Yeah like, I intoxicate him and get information.  He mutually agreed to it."  Harry says.

"Wow, and you couldn't let the nice feelings of contentment sit for at least a day?  Not even till tonight?"  Hayden muses.

"You're not helping me feel better."  Harry complains.

"How about... you come over and I'll help you feel better?"  Hayden suggests.  "We have the whole house and day to ourselves- I don't have clients till later.  We can keep each other company and I can tell you my woes of Kara not letting me get any more tattoos than I already have."

Harry bites at his lip for a minute, not sure what he's meant to contemplate.  Hayden is a friend and company is what friends are for.  Harry's already accomplished what he wants done for the day anyway.

"Yeah, I'll be over after I shower."  He agrees, then hangs up.

~~~

"Oh my God- Harry!"  Hayden cries.

Harry grips harder into her hips.  "Keep going, keep going."

"No, I- holy shit!"  Hayden gasps.

"Just trust me- go, _please_.  I'm going to die if you don't go faster."  Harry begs.

"I can't- _fuck!_ "  Hayden's body tenses up.

Harry kicks her foot out of the way so he can push his foot down on the clutch.  They both surge forward with the sudden slowing of movement from the motorcycle, and Harry grabs the handlebars then touches the pavement with his feet to keep the bike from falling.  "Got it.  Got it- we're safe."

Hayden jumps off the second the bike is at a stop and collapses to the ground.  "Holy shit."

Harry kicks out the kickstand and then goes to sit next to her in the empty parking lot.  "Do I need to remind you this was your idea?"

Hayden shakes her head and laughs out brokenly as her body quivers a little.

Harry throws an arm around her.  "Hey, you did awesome for your first time and no training.  I'm proud of you."

"Jesus, I wasn't planning on such an adrenaline rush from it all."  Hayden admits.

"Yeah, it takes some getting used to."  Harry agrees.  "The only way to do so is just continuing to practice though."

"Okay!"  Hayden jumps up and brushes herself off then shakes out her limbs.  "Round two.  I'm fucking _ready!_ "

"We can sit and relax for a minute."  Harry chuckles.  "We're not off to the races here.  Plenty of time to enjoy the whole experience."

"Nope.  Seize the moment and all that."  Hayden recites incorrectly.  "Plus, it's taken both of our minds off of aforementioned problems with our significant others, and I'm quite happy about that."

"Well you fed me breakfast and let me talk your ear off, but you never actually told me what's going on with you and her."  Harry stretches his legs out.

"Well.  She loves my skin."  Hayden sits back down.  "I love it too.  I just love it covered in ink better.  It's my body, you know?"

Harry nods thoughtfully.  "Sure.  I see where she's coming from though.  I mean, I love Louis' tattoos, but I definitely love his skin just as much.  Nothing can replace that."

"Yeah.  It's not like she forbid me from doing it or anything.  She even gave me permission to do so... just without her support behind it, so I can't really do it in good conscience."  Hayden runs a hand up and down her leather leggings.

"What about getting a couple's tattoo or something?  Then you could both get inked and maybe she'd feel differently about it."  Harry suggests.

Hayden laughs.  "No.  She doesn't have any tattoos."

Harry quirks an eyebrow at her.  "None?"

Hayden shakes her head.  "None at all."

"Well then."  Harry says without any intentions.

"Do you and Louis have one?"  She asks.

"He has like, three on his arms..."  Harry trails off, confused.

"No you dork.  Do you guys have a couple tattoo?"  She clarifies.

"Oh."  Harry smiles.  "Um, we kind of do...?  Like, we inadvertently got tattoos without knowing the other did."

"Right.  He had me do his tic-tac-toe one.  So you have that strewn across your body somewhere too?"  Hayden asks.

"No, I actually got an axolotl salamander."  Harry chews at the inside of his cheek.

"Oh God- the ugly ass salamander?  _Gary?_   Why the fuck Harry?"  Hayden laughs at him.

Harry shrugs.  "I like Gary, I like swimming, and I love Louis.  It made sense at the time."

"Do you regret it?"  She looks at him with sky blue eyes that remind Harry of Louis.  "I mean, it is an ugly ass amphibian."

"Hey, I think Gary looks badass."  He nudges her with his shoulder.  "No I don't regret it.  Looking back, I think I was a little trigger happy when I got it.  I was just really optimistic."

"And you're not anymore."  She says as a statement.

"I think we should go back to bike riding."  Harry stands up.

"Fine.  Let's do this."  She jumps up and straddles the bike again.

"Okay, wear my helmet this time though.  Let's just take it around the block."  Harry pulls the helmet from his saddle bag where his graduation gown still is balled up.

"I don't have a motorcycle license."  Hayden says.

"We're in a residential neighborhood.  You'll be fine."  Harry flattens her hair and pushes the helmet on her head.

"What about you?  You should wear this- it is yours after all."  Hayden tries helping Harry fasten the strap, but Harry bats her hands away so he can secure it himself.

"It's actually illegal for the driver to ride without a helmet.  I'll just put on my sunglasses so I can keep my eyes open the whole time to instruct you... though I don't think I'll even need them.  We're not going over 15 miles an hour anywhere around here."  Harry mounts the bike behind her.

"Kara would kill me if she found out we were doing this."  Hayden turns the key and revs the engine a few times.

"Good thing she won't then."  Harry holds onto Hayden's hips again.  "Okay, just remember to shift down when you're slowing down.  Just like a car, except you push with your foot."

"Right.  Lift up toes to shift up.  Push my foot down to slow down.  I got this."  Hayden says to herself.

"I have faith in you."  Harry gives her a reassuring squeeze.  "I'll be right here the whole time."

"Oh fuck off."  Hayden laughs, then braces herself.  "Okay, ready?"

"I'll push off and tell you when to throttle."  Harry kicks up the kickstand and balances the bike with his feet.

"Oh God."  She mutters.

Harry starts walking.  "Okay, give it a little juice."

She, predictably, lays too hard into the throttle, so Harry picks his feet up so they don't get dragged.

"Holy shit!  Sorry!"  She lets go of the gas.

"It's okay!  Keep going.  You're fine."  Harry adjusts himself to sit properly.  "Just do a small circle in the lot before going around the block."

She gets control of the speed of the bike and does a small circle, then slowly makes her way out of the parking lot.

"Atta girl!  You're doing awesome!"  Harry cheers her on.

"Shut up.  I'm not a dog."  Hayden mumbles.

Harry chuckles and looks around for any upcoming potholes or cars as they turn the first corner.  She slows down a little bit with the turn and Harry gives her a light squeeze to let her know it's better to take corners with a tiny bit of speed compared to the rate they're already going.

Hayden takes the next turn more confidently and Harry smiles because he loves helping people accomplish their dreams.

A van turns out in front of them though, and Hayden brakes and shifts down to give them more space between themselves and the vehicle.  The only downside is that Harry can't quite see what lies ahead because their vision is blocked.

"You should slow down and get behind them a bit more so we have more reaction time in case there's something we don't see."  Harry points out.  "Or just stick to one side of the lane so we can see around them."

"What?"  Hayden yells and speeds up a bit, making sure to shift up.

"Slow down!"  Harry yells and leans forward to take the handlebars from her.

She slams her foot down on the clutch before Harry has a chance to start braking, and it would have been recoverable except for the car in front of them has stopped at a stop sign.  Harry knows the bike is about to surge forward, and since they're feet away from the back of the van, he knows there's no avoiding the crash.

He wraps his arms tightly around Hayden and tries detangling them both from the bike before it crashes.  He's only half successful, as they both still get thrown forward into the back of the van- Hayden sandwiched between Harry and the car- and then fall to the ground.

Hayden lands on top of Harry, but they're both wheezing and out of breath.  Luckily, Harry had pushed them far enough away so that neither of them ended up landing their shins on the handlebars.

Harry carefully pulls Hayden off of his chest and undoes her helmet.  Her eyes are clenched shut and she's breathing with difficulty.  "Hay- are you okay?" 

She moans out and wraps her arms around her ribcage. 

"Fuck.  Can you breathe okay?  Are you going to pass out?"  Harry already feels the pounding in the back of his head from his contact with the ground and pats her up and down trying to find where she's hurt.

She clenches her jaw and nods to let him know she's okay.

"Do you- do you think you broke something?"  Harry reaches out unwrap her arms.

"Ah-" She grunts and covers her ribs protectively.

"Fuck."  Harry mumbles.

"Oh my God!  Are you guys okay?"  A woman comes rushing out from the passenger seat of the van.

"I think- I think something happened to her ribs."  Harry trails off seeing spots of black and blue.

"You're bleeding!"  The woman shrieks.

"I- I'm fine."  Harry reaches up to touch where he feels liquid running down the back of his head.  When he looks at his fingers, they're coated in red.

A man gets out of the driver's side.  "Are you fucking crazy!  There's a god damned stop sign- holy shit!  Call an ambulance!"

Harry wants to shake his head and protest, but everything goes black before he can.

~~~


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Completely botched the upload for this chapter... this is what I get for updating multiple stories on multiple websites. Soz guys. I'll make up for it by posting another chappie for you <3

Dedicated to EnkeliJaPerkele for catching my mistake and for her support of the story! Thank you :)

Thank you for reading xx

Twitter: [@LemonSuccubus](http://www.twitter.com/lemonsuccubus)

 

~~~

He wakes up and feels his body being jostled around.  There's the low sound of a motor and he feels people touching him. 

He brings his hand up to his eyes to rub them, but something restricts his hand from moving.  He sits up and opens his eyes instead to see that the IV in his hand is what prevented it from movement.

He's in the back of an ambulance and Hayden is laid next to him in a gurney.  There are two paramedics mulling over her.

"Is she okay?"  Harry says softer than he intends, but they seem to have heard him.

"Sir, can you tell us your name?"  The paramedic, Alex according to his name tag, asks.

"Harry Styles.  Is Hayden okay?  What happened to her?"  He says trying to scoot closer to the edge of his gurney.

"She's been given some medicine from the pain and is sleeping.  She is fine."  Alex says.  "Can you look straight ahead for me?"  He pulls out a light and flashes it into Harry's eyes.  "Harry, can you tell me the date today?"

Harry would laugh, but his pounding head automatically resists the idea.  "Fuck all if I know.  I think it's a Thursday?  Where are we going?"

"The hospital.  We'll have the receptionist call your emergency contact as soon as we get you checked in."  Alex wraps a blood pressure cuff around Harry's bicep.  "Do you remember what happened?"

"No, no.  Please don't call my emergency contact.  I've got it taken care of."  Harry feels a small head rush and lays down.  "Yeah, we rear ended a van.  Are the other people okay?  Did they get hurt?"

"They did not sustain even a minor injury.  They are meeting us at the hospital though to speak with the police."  Alex says.

"Fuck."  Harry closes his eyes.  "Wake me up when we get there."

~~~

There's a muffled sound and faint beeping in the background.  "Harry?  Can you hear us?" 

Harry's lips part open, but it feels like too much work to try and form words, so he slowly opens his eyes instead.

"Doctor, he's awake."  One of the male nurses informs.

"How long have I been asleep for?"  Harry looks around at the empty room- save for the doctor and nurse.

"You arrived about 10 minutes ago.  The paramedic informed us that you did not want your emergency contact to be notified, but you wouldn't have left us much of a choice if you stayed asleep."  The nurse says.

"Yeah, please don't.  My mom will kill me."  Harry closes his eyes again.

"Harry please try and stay awake.  You've suffered a minor concussion, and though we're not fearful of anything drastic happening, we'd rather not take that chance.  We had to give you three stitches for an abrasion at the apex of your parietal."  The doctor stands by his bedside.  "Also, your wrist is rather inflamed.  We'll need to take x-rays."

Harry looks down at his damn wrist that's always been a problem from playing water polo.  "Damn it."  He lets his head fall back onto the pillow and hisses in pain.

"You don't have any neck injuries, aside from a mild case of whiplash, which is a miracle considering only one of you was wearing a helmet."  The doctor says.

"Yeah, I'll probably not do that again."  Harry bemoans.  "How is Hayden?  She's okay, right?"

"She has two fractured ribs, sprained wrist, and whiplash.  The only reason we're disclosing this information to you is because it will be going in the police report."  The doctor informs.  "As the responsible driver, her insurance will also be billed for any medical expenses you have."

"No, no.  I was driving."  Harry jumps in.  "I was the driver.  I rear ended the van."

The nurse and doctor both look up at Harry.

"She has cracked ribs from the force of your body hurdling her into the back of the vehicle."  The nurse says, flipping through his notes.

Harry shakes his head.  "No.  I landed on her on the ground.  She was behind me."

The nurse's eyes flick upward at Harry.  "So you were breaking the law by driving without a helmet?"

"Yes.  I wanted her to be safe."  Harry rushes out.

"You've owned this motorcycle for five years, and your first crash is rear ending a vehicle at 10 miles an hour in a residential neighborhood?"  The nurse quirks an eyebrow at him.

Harry nods. 

The nurse and doctor sigh, clipboard getting set to the side.

"Harry, I'm no government official, but no helmet, and paying out of pocket for your motorcycle repairs will be hefty fines, both in payment and on your record.  Why are you lying to protect her?  Was it a drinking related situation?  You possibly had too much and she offered to drive?"  The doctor suggests.

"No, we are both sober.  I was driving.  She doesn't have a motorcycle license, and if I let her drive... that would mean my bike being impounded, I could lose _my_ license, and she'd have to pay a shit ton of fees.  So no, she was not driving.  I was.  I take full responsibility for the incident."  Harry says firmly.

"Well.  The witnesses have already said they don't remember who hit the back of their car, as you were both in leather jackets, and fell to the ground before they even knew what happened, but just know that this is our job to diagnose what happened and why."  The doctor says.

Harry nods.  "So you'll let them know I was driving?"

The nurse looks worriedly at the doctor.

"I will let you talk to your friend before giving the police any kind of statement."  The doctor says.

"Thank you."  Harry breathes a sigh of relief.

"Her emergency contact recently arrived though, and she's only allowed one visitor at a time."  The nurse says.

God, Harry hopes it's not Kara because if it is Kara, then there's a 95 percent chance that Louis knows what's happened too.

"Speaking of visitors.  There is a man requesting to see you in the lobby."  The doctor says. 

"God damn it."  Harry doesn't really even know why he's frustrated that Louis is in the lobby.  Just knows that he is.

His head hurts too much to really pinpoint the emotions he feels towards it, and thinks he really hates concussions.  He's had two previously from playing water polo in high school.

"We can send him away, though it will probably have to be with an escort, as he is rather bellicose."  The nurse gives Harry a thin smile.

"Yep.  Sounds like him."  Harry runs his free hand through his hair.  "Go ahead and send him in."

The doctor and nurse leave Harry in peace for a few minutes, and Harry mulls over what he's just done.  He still isn't sure how much damage his bike took.  Hopefully it was just a minor collision with some scratch marks.  He can get alignment done pretty cheaply, but anything much more than that, and he's not looking forward to footing the bill, considering his insurance only covers the damage sustained to the other person's car if he's found at fault, which he is.

Regardless, any of that is better than Hayden being found at fault.  God, he feels awful about all of this.  He shouldn't have let her drive, especially after knowing how Kara feels about the whole situation.  Harry is a shit friend, and now Hayden has two broken ribs because of him. 

"Harry!  Oh my God!"  Louis' tenor voice sounds from the door jamb as he rushes to Harry's bedside, his loafers clacking against the hard floor of the hospital.  "Hazza!  Haz, are you okay?  What happened?"  Louis looks freakishly at Harry like he may combust at any given moment; touching him like he might disappear and slip through his fingertips.

Harry smiles at the overwhelming love and panic from his lover.  He wonders if the doctors gave him any drugs.  "I'm fine."

"Harry, babe?  Look at me.  Are you okay?  What happened?"  Louis caresses his cheek to turn his face to him.

"I'm good.  I'm really sorry about this morning.  I care a lot about what my mom thinks."  Harry says, and he really didn't plan on saying that.  At least not in that way.  But it's out there, so oh well.

"It's fine love, I don't care.  We'll work it out.  Do whatever you need.  I'm here for you though, okay?"  Louis' shirt is unbuttoned so low that it shows off the undershirt underneath it- the undershirt that he wore the last two days too because it's his favorite and he won't let Harry wash it except on weekends.

Harry reaches up his IV hand to grasp the open collar of Louis' button up and pull him in for a soft kiss.  "I love you."

Louis pulls away and sets Harry's hand carefully in his lap.  "What happened Haz?  They wouldn't tell me anything about your condition..."

"They think I broke my bum wrist.  I have whiplash and a small concussion."  Harry recites.  "I made Hayden wear my helmet."

"Oh Harry."  Louis whines and then hugs him close, crinkling his starched white shirt.  "I was so worried.  I'm so, so sorry I'm an asshole.  Please don't ever not talk to me just because I tell you to.  I'm a fucking _idiot_.  The whole way here I just- I just couldn't stop thinking about this morning and what my last words would have been to you, and _God_ , I'm so sorry Haz.  I love you so much.  I'm sorry."

Harry smiles into Louis' undone fringe and wants to fall asleep in Louis' arms.  "I should get into car crashes more often.  This is nice."

"Fuck off."  Louis pulls Harry away to glare at him.  "Don't even think about doing this to me again.  You really think I'm stable enough to handle this kind of thing on a frequent basis?"

"Not really."  Harry gives him a lopsided smile.

"I wish I would have just stayed home with you this morning.  This never would have happened."  Louis undoes another button on his shirt.

Harry holds his hands so that they stop fidgeting.  "Don't blame yourself for this.  This was my fault completely.  I was going to get in a wreck eventually; let's just be glad this is how it turned out."

Louis nods and lets his head sink into Harry's chest.  "I was so scared... I already know what I would do without you, and I don't ever want to be that person again."

Harry's heart feels too full as he hugs Louis.

~~~

After a long debate with Hayden on taking the blame for the wreck, Kara finally talks enough sense into her for her to agree begrudgingly with it.  They give the police Harry's version of the report. 

Harry gets his wrist x-rayed to find that he only got a hairline fracture that should heal on its own within six to eight weeks.  Hayden's cracked ribs are projected to heal in the same time frame as Harry's, and she is only allowed to work half days for the first week of recovery.

Setting up a payment plan with the billing department has Harry pulling at his hair- but only the hairs at the front because his scalp is tender back towards where his stitches are.  He talks for a long time with the health insurance company over the phone and requests to get the bills forwarded to Louis' address so his mom doesn't find out.

After everything at the hospital is squared away, Harry finds out his bike was towed and impounded temporarily. 

When the tow truck operator informs him that it will be over $600 to get his motorcycle back, and that his auto insurance claims it as totaled because of the damage done, Harry has a breakdown. 

Louis holds him through it, hugging him and taking him out to eat for something fancy and healthy until Harry gets his wits about him again.

"Are you feeling better love?"  Louis rubs his hands up and down Harry's side.

Harry doesn't say anything because he's still just really overwhelmed with everything at the moment.

Louis scoots the glass of orange juice to Harry.  "It'll help you feel better."

Harry can't help but smile at that.

"Can we get you a car tomorrow?"  Louis asks gently.

Harry's neck snaps up at that, except he forgets that he has whiplash and he cries out in pain, bringing a hand up to his neck.

"Babe!"  Louis places a hand over Harry's.  "Take it easy love."

Harry's eyes prick with tears because of the pain and the general grogginess of having a concussion and the fact that he doesn't have his motorcycle.

"I was two months short of paying it all the way off."  Harry pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes.  "Kara hates me and I completely wrecked Hayden and it's all my fault."

"Hey, hey, hey- Haz, no.  It's fine.  Kara's just worried about Hayden is all.  She doesn't hate you."  Louis presses a kiss to his cheek.  "Hayden will get better; and your bike... we can get you a new one."

"Lou, you don't understand.  That was _mine_.  It was my baby.  It was my first big purchase.  It's the most expensive thing I owned next to my bed and now it's gone.  I don't have either."  Harry strains out.

Louis exasperatedly hugs Harry.  "It's okay.  Um, we can- we can talk about it?  Tell me more about it."

"It's gone now so it doesn't matter."  Harry breathes heavily into his hands.  "You know Niall and I bought ours together?  We went to the Harley dealership in Peoria and they were right next to each other."

"I'm so sorry Haz."  Louis rubs small circles in between Harry's shoulder blades.

"Like, my mom was the co-signer only because I didn't have good enough credit.  I paid for everything though."  Harry says.  "I don't even have anything of my own anymore."

"You said you have your bed right?"  Louis tries.

"Yeah, it's in Phoenix."  Harry sniffles.  "In the basement apartment that I'm stupidly keeping because I'm scared."

Louis lets out a steady breath.  "Why are you scared Harry?"

"Because!  I'm scared we aren't going to last."  Harry finally cries out into Louis' shoulder.

A few heads in the restaurant turn, but neither of them pay it any mind.

Louis holds Harry tighter.  "We're going to last.  We _are_.  I'm not going to get sick of you and this isn't just lust.  I'm a better person with you Haz, and I think you're a better person with me too.  You're my sun and I'm the moon.  We need each other."

Harry pitifully wraps his arms around Louis and cries some more.  "I don't have a job and I don't have a car and I wasn't a good enough athlete and I don't have anything to show for what I've done with my life."

"Harry, hey."  Louis pulls him away to look at him.  "It's fine babe.  You're only 22.  Do I need to remind you what I was doing when I was 22?  You are so far ahead of where I was at when I was your age.  You are amazing.  So much more than I'll ever be."

Louis uses the pads of his thumbs to wipe the streams of tears coming from Harry's eyes.  "You've been so busy helping me that you haven't been able to help yourself.  So let me help you and don't stress about all these things, okay?"

Harry shakes his head.  "I'm not a moocher."

"I know you're not.  You're my Harry.  I basically rely on you to survive, so it's a symbiotic relationship."  Louis cracks a smile.

Harry lets out a watery laugh.  "I want to get a job here, Lou."

"I want you to as well, but you need to wait for your neck to heal."  Louis gently massages at the back of his neck.  "We should get you home though."

Harry nods.

Louis makes him drink the rest of his orange juice and they drive back to Louis' house.

"I feel like I should move out when I get a job.  I think space would be good for us."  Harry says.

Louis opens the door into the house for him.  "Um..."

"Like so that you can have some space from me and remember how much you love me and miss me."  Harry states.

"Haz, I think you're still pretty groggy.  We should probably wait on this conversation."  Louis helps Harry through the door.  "Preferably till the next time I'm drunk..."  He mumbles.

"No.  Please."  Harry whines.  "I would live close by.  I could come over every day."

Louis closes his eyes and takes a counted breath.  "Why get your own place if you'll be over here all the time anyway?  Sleeping in my bed?"

"I would have my own bed to sleep in.  My bed was like, $3,500 from India."  Harry says.

"Jesus, you paid that much for a bed?"  Louis mutters.  "Let's just set your bed up here then.  If you're really that insistent, we can set it up in the spare bedroom.  We could pretend we're just roomies who fuck if it helps you sleep better at night."

"You're so persuasive when you want to be.  It makes it really hard for me because I love you too."  Harry rests his head against Louis' shoulder.

"Let's not kink your neck.  Come on, let's go up to the bed.  You need a massage and neck support."  Louis leads Harry up the stairs.

"You know the nurse suggested I see a massage therapist to help with the whiplash?"  Harry giggles.

"Yeah?  What did you tell them?"  Louis asks.

"I said my boyfriend was one."  Harry blurts out.

"You must have a thing for massage therapists then."  Louis mumbles and helps Harry into bed.  "God, my walls are white.  You cleaned today."

"Zayn is a massage therapist."  Harry says to the ceiling.

Louis doesn't even wince.  "Yes he is."

"I might have ended up with Zayn if he didn't love you.  But he does.  And I love you too.  But I get you."  Harry smiles dreamily.

Louis furrows his eyebrows.  "Do you feel like it was a competition between you and Zayn?"

Harry shakes his head, then winces at the pain in his neck.  "I feel like I love you and you love me back.  But sometimes you have a weird way of showing it."

"Took the words right out of my mouth Harold."  Louis pulls massage lotion from his nightstand.  "Scoot back so I can put your head in my lap."

"I think a blow job would probably hurt me right now."  Harry smiles.

Louis scoots onto the bed and sits cross-legged, pulling Harry's head into his lap.  "No.  So I can handle your neck better.  Not sexually." 

"That's a first."  Harry giggles.

Louis threads his fingers under Harry's neck.  "Shush.  I'm getting into the zone."

"The weird zone you got into last time this happened?  Because I don't think I can help you if we're both mentally unstable."  Harry states.

"No.  Just my massage mindset.  Feeling muscles and whatnot.  Last time was just... yeah."  Louis pushes his fingers gently along the sides of Harry's vertebrae.

"Oh my hell that feels good."  Harry moans.  "What happens in your brain when it goes skewampus?  What's it like?"

"Um... I guess it's kind of like floating.  Like I just kind of detach from reality when I don't think I can deal with it.  Like a self-induced ecstasy trip."  Louis says, skeptically watching Harry for signs of coherency.  "Just not quite as electric."

"How do you do that?"  Harry purrs.

"I dunno.  It just happens sometimes."  Louis says.

"Do you still get confused about what's real and what's not?"  Harry asks, head lolling to the side.

"Not anymore.  Not uh, since we started having sex.  I feel like, grounded and normal again.  Very present."  Louis uses his index fingers and thumbs to pinch the muscles on the side of Harry's neck.

"You've been acting more normal.  Like, touchy and happy and silly and red peppery."  Harry smiles.

"That's what I am to you?  Touchy and happy and silly- and is red peppery supposed to be a metaphor for needy?"  Louis laughs.

"Yes.  Needy for me."  Harry hums.  "'S why I didn't want to tell you about my problems.  I didn't want you to stop being happy."

"You should have told me Haz."  Louis pauses to brush some long curls behind his ears.  "I'm always happy when I'm with you.  That's why my brain imagined you here even when you weren't physically- because I'm happier with you."

"That's really sweet."  Harry adjusts his jeans because they're uncomfortable.

Louis bends down to press a kiss to his forehead.

"I'd also describe you as destructive and dancy.  Because you like to dance and destroy meals when you try making them."  Harry grins, proud of himself.

Louis snorts.  "I'm not destructive."

"Mmhmm."  Harry rolls his eyes.

"I haven't been as dancy lately because your hipster music isn't very danceable."  Louis pushes his fingers into pressure points at the base of Harry's skull.

"Ohmygod."  Harry's eyes flutter shut.  "We should listen to your music more.  Mine makes me depressed lately.  Yours is happier."

"Well, yours is deeper.  It's nice to think about lyrics once in a while too."  Louis moves his fingers lower down Harry's neck.

"It's nice to think about you."  Harry says.

Louis snickers.

"What?"  Harry opens his eyes to look up at Louis.

"You're cute is all."  Louis muses.  "I like being able to be your emotional support too.  It's just a little harder for me sometimes."

"I'm a little harder sometimes."  Harry licks his lips.

"What?"  Louis asks.

"You could be my physical support right now if you wanted.  You're good at that."  Harry blinks innocently.

"You're not making any sense."  Louis moves to pressure points behind Harry's ears.

"Sorry.  My brain's a little slow."  Harry sighs out as the tension leaves his neck and head.  "I'm really turned on.  Can we have sex?"

The pressure in Louis' fingers stutter a little.  "Um, you recently said you were unsure about the whole ordeal."

"That was before I knew where you were at with everything.  But last night helped a lot.  And today.  You're talking to me because you don't think I'm coherent."  Harry smiles.

"That's because you're not."  Louis dismisses.

"That would be like me saying you're not coherent on ecstasy."  Harry argues. 

Even though Harry has no idea what it's actually like to be rolling on ecstasy, he's certainly heard from Louis enough times how it's merely a 'heightened version of himself' or 'his true self'.

"That's different."  Louis says.

"Not really.  Besides, they didn't even give me any medicine.  I'm just a little woozy from whacking my head."  Harry grins.

"You don't have anything in your system?"  Louis scrunches his eyebrows together.

"Nope.  And the world didn't end while we were talking.  Imagine that."  Harry closes his eyes.

"I feel manipulated."  Louis says playfully and strokes through Harry's curls.

"Join the club."  Harry giggles.  "Really though, I think you make things in your brain a lot worse than they are in reality.  Like, last year you were so worried all the time that I was going to leave you after phone sex and after we actually _had_ sex even though I told you all the time I wasn't going anywhere.  You're the one that ended up running to San Diego.  Conversations are the same way.  You're really good at it, you just don't think you are.  Or assume that they're going to end badly."

Louis' hands pause as he thinks on that for a minute.  "I... never really thought of that I guess."

"Can you fuck me now please?"  Harry asks, palming at the straining bulge in his jeans.

"No babe, I don't want to hurt your neck and stitches."  Louis traces along the raised column of his neck and under his shirt along his clavicles.

"We could do it..." Harry tries to think of a position where his neck won't be under too much stress, but has a bit of trouble focusing on what he's already thought of and what he hasn't.

"I could give you a hand job?"  Louis offers.

Harry gives Louis his best puppy dog eyes.  "I wanna feel you Lou."

"God.  Um."  Louis looks up to the ceiling and bites at his lip for a minute.  "I could ride you?"

Harry would cock his head to the side if he knew it wouldn't hurt.  "You don't- you're not feeling helpless are you?"

"What?  No?"  Louis says, confused.

"I have a theory."  Harry says confidently.

"What's your theory?"  Louis quirks an eyebrow up.

"That you fuck others when you're trying to get control over your own life.  When you let others fuck you, it's either because you feel helpless or you really love them."  Harry explains.

"How do- how do you _think_ of all this stuff Haz?  More than that, how do you figure it out without me saying it?"  Louis looks affronted.

Harry taps at his head, indicating that he knows everything.  "You're more transparent than you think Louis.  You only give me so much and I do my best to make the most of it."

"I can't believe you know me so well honestly."  Louis admits.  "Even like, last night during dinner, you know?  I felt like we kind of had an unspoken conversation underneath what we actually said.  Or is that just me?"

"Mind games."  Harry repeats his thoughts from last night.  "We're good at them with each other."

Louis nods his head slowly.  "Yeah.  Yeah we are."

"So does your offer still stand?  Because my dick still certainly is."  Harry unbuttons his pants. 

"I just want to make sure you'll be okay Hazza.  I need to take care of you."  Louis caresses Harry's neck.

Harry ignores Louis, thinking that his caring words will only go so far and that once he pulls his dick out, Louis won't care so much.

So he shimmies out of his pants, and sure enough, Louis moves Harry's head from his lap and takes off his own clothes.  Louis helps Harry out of the rest of his, and then lubes up Harry's cock.

Harry's cock is throbbing, and he really, _really_ can't fucking wait to feel Louis all around him again. 

Louis pauses though and shuffles through his dresser drawer to retrieve two hoodies.

"What are you doing?"  Harry tries to lift his head, but it hurts.

Louis walks back over to the bed.  "Here babe."  He lifts up Harry's head and secures the hoodies in a fashion that will stabilize his neck and keep the back of his head from the bed.

"I don't want it hurting."  Louis presses two soft kisses to each side of Harry's neck.

Harry's heart melts because Louis makes everything feel like magic.  "I wasn't expecting this."  Harry's not sure if he means the fact that Louis is going to ride him or how careful he's being.

"Well you should.  I really love you."  Louis balances himself as he straddles Harry and he looks incredible.

His skin shimmers and traces of toned muscle are starting to fill out parts of his body.  His hips have gotten curvier and his thighs have gotten thicker again.

"You're so, so beautiful."  Harry holds onto Louis' thighs as Louis positions himself and lowers down onto Harry's cock.

The pressure is so tight around Harry and it's warm and fantastic.  Even with the lube, there's still a slow drag as he fills up Louis inch by inch until he's bottomed out and the insides of his thighs are meshed against Harry's hipbones. 

"You didn't prep at all, did you?"  Harry grunts out.

Louis smiles a little devilishly.  "Nope."

"Are you okay?"  Harry rubs little circles into Louis' thighs.

"I'm wonderful.  Are you okay?"  Louis leans forward- Harry's cock shifting with him- and presses soft kisses to his jawline.

"Yeah.  Good."  Harry breathes. 

Louis braces his hands on either side of Harry's head and presses a kiss to his forehead.  "I was so worried about you today.  I'm so glad you're okay."

"Me too."  Harry whispers.  "Move please."

Louis does so, but very slowly.  He breathes warmly onto the sharp sides of Harry's jawbones as he works his hips methodically up and down.

Harry hardly moves, and normally during sex, there's a large amount of sensation being distributed to his many senses and multiple parts of his body.  But this.  This is just slow and thoughtful and only felt around Harry's cock.

He feels a bit like he might die if he doesn't thrust his hips up into Louis harshly.  "I need a little more babe.  You're gonna kill me."

"If you die, I'm going with you."  Louis kisses his heart.

"How romantic."  Harry smiles softly.

"You and this tattoo are romantic."  Louis kisses along his axolotl salamander tattoo.

Harry exhales and lets his hands trail up to Louis' hips.  Fuck, Louis' hips.  Harry is so in love with his hips.  And his bum.

Harry caresses Louis' ass as Louis lifts it up and down on his cock over and over again in the same painfully measured rhythm. 

"I love your ass so much."  Harry gives himself shivers just by saying it aloud.

"I love you so much."  Louis draws a small heart underneath Harry's belly button with his thumbs.

Harry is so torn between closing his eyes and keeping them open because it's too much that it's a little unreal.  And maybe he understands that bit about Louis now too. 

Sometimes being present is just a lot to take in and it's easier to just give his brain a rest. 

"I love you Louis.  You're my entire world."  Harry says as his eyes flutter shut.

"You're my true love Harry.  You always have been.  You're the only one."  Louis grazes at the undersides of Harry's knees.  "You're my world.  You're my Zen.  I'm so glad I found you." 

Harry sees stars and then he sees black.

~~~


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: How was everyone's week? :)

Thank you for reading xx

-Dannie

~~~

"Hazza?" 

Harry can feel a sensation on his face.

He opens his eyes and sees Louis pushing sweaty hair away from his face.

"Did you fall asleep or pass out?"  Louis worries his bottom lip between his teeth.

"Not sure."  Harry whispers.

"Are you okay?"  Louis asks.

"Headache."  Harry says.

"Stay right here."  Louis pecks his lips and then dismounts him and runs into the kitchen.

Harry would have pointed out that he couldn't move much even if he wanted.  His body feels like lead weight and he feels like he might be sweating from every pore on his body.

Louis comes back and helps prop Harry upright.  "Water, ibuprofen, and a shot of whiskey for your headache."

"Babe, you can't mix alcohol with meds."  Harry finally tells him.

"Do you want to wait 40 minutes for your headache to go away or 40 seconds?  Your choice."  Louis holds the shot glass out for him.

"Fuck it."  Harry puts the ibuprofen into his mouth and shoots back the whiskey.  "If the back of my head starts bleeding, I need to go back to the E.R."

"Why would it start bleeding?"  Louis hands him the bottle of water next.

"Alcohol and ibuprofen are both blood thinners.  It's dangerous to take them together especially with a wound that was recently bleeding a lot."  Harry already feels his headache clearing up.

"Oh."  Louis says.

"Kale."  Harry mumbles.

"What?"  Louis sits on the side of the bed.  "Haz, are you okay?"

"Will you make me a kale smoothie?  Kale has Vitamin K.  Helps to clot the blood."  Harry explains.

"Really?"  Louis asks with wonderment.

"Yeah."  Harry brings the cold water to his lips.  "And the sugar from fruits will help my blood sugar."

Louis leaves, then returns back several minutes later with a green smoothie.  "Why do you know all this?"

"Water polo.  Had to have a lot of energy stores and make sure my body was working the best it could."  Harry takes the straw between his lips.

Louis put- quite possibly- five tablespoons of honey in this smoothie, but Harry isn't about to say anything about it.  Nor will he cringe.  He could use some extra honey anyway.

"Have you ever had a concussion before?"  Louis asks.

"Twice in high school.  Both from polo.  Feels about the same back then as it does now."  Harry drinks some more of the smoothie.  "Except back then I didn't have someone as amazing as you making me green smoothies and riding me."

"Yeah was that like..." Louis scratches at the back of his neck.

"Concussions make me horny."  Harry smiles dopily.  "Woozy head rush and all that.  Same reason I like breath play."

"You have some odd kinks Harry Styles."  Louis chuckles.

"You have an odd taste in sexual partners then."  Harry says back.

"Touché."  Louis grins.

"Um, did you go?"  Harry looks down at Louis' now flaccid dick.

Louis shakes his head.  "Didn't think it would be very kind to keep riding you after you had passed out."

"First time I rode you, you passed out and I kept going."  Harry grins.  "At least until Niall stepped into the room.  Close call that time was."

Louis laughs.  "Time after that, you nearly made me pass out in my front seat."

Harry purses his lips a little at the memory.  "I'm getting the strong vibe that maybe we should take extra precaution when riding."

"God, we're weird."  Louis giggles.

"I love us."  Harry says.

"I love us too."  Louis kisses Harry on the cheek.  "Can I shower, or do you need anything?"

"You can shower.  I'll be here."  Harry drinks more of his smoothie, feeling his brain go a little clearer and his blood flow a little smoother.

"You'd better be."  Louis stands up, and a little bit of come runs down the inside of his thigh.

Harry bites his lip and smiles.

~~~

"Naa, naa, naa, na na na naaaa!  Na na na naaa!  Hey Jude!"  Louis bellows out from the kitchen amongst the clinking of metal.

Harry rolls over and clicks the home button on his phone.  Louis apparently plugged his phone into their charger this morning because Harry vaguely remembers not doing so before bed. 

It's 8am.

Harry groans and pockets his phone.  His head is dizzy and he can hear The Beatles blasting from the sound system downstairs.

He rolls over to where he wishes Louis still was and grabs his pillow.  He spoons it and buries his nose into a spot that smells particularly potent of Louis and massage oils. 

Or maybe that's just his neck.  Which.

"Ugh."  Harry moans and reaches an arm up to rub it.  It's soft from the oil Louis massaged in last night but still feels stiff.

"Jude, Judeh, Judah, Judah, Judaaaahhhh!"  Louis sings on.

Something seems off about the whole situation, and somewhere in the back of his mind, Harry thinks he should be worried about something.  But right now, he's too tired to care.

He pulls the comforter over his head and closes his eyes again.

~~~

Harry wakes up again, this time the weight of someone sitting on the mattress next to him.

He opens his eyes and wipes away the blurriness to see Louis holding a plate.

"Why are you holding a plate?"  Harry asks.

Louis blinks.  "It's your breakfast.

"What?"  Harry asks blankly.

"I made eggs on toast."  Louis elaborates.

Shit.  That's what was wrong.

Harry sits up and then grabs Louis' shoulder because of the sudden light-headedness.  "Fuck."

"What's wrong?  Are you okay?"  Louis sets the plate to the side.

"Did you turn off the stove?"  Harry mumbles into his shoulder with his eyes closed.

"What?  Yes."  Louis curiously pushes Harry upright.

"Did you use something to grease the pan?"  Harry asks.

"Um, I used butter like how you do.  But I always thought you used it for flavoring."  Louis says.  "Are you like, okay?"

"Thank God."  Harry breathes out in relief. 

"Haz?"  Louis asks.

"Hmm?"  Harry leans forward and hums into Louis' neck.

"How did you sleep?  How's your neck?"  Louis pets the back of Harry's head softly.  "Why is your hair so matted?"

Harry reaches back to untangle his hair where his stitches are and accidentally pulls too hard.  "Shit!"

"Don't hurt yourself please."  Louis bats his hand away.  "Here, let me take a look."

Harry has to turn his whole body because turning his head would hurt his neck too much.  Louis' careful hands card through his hair.

"Um, I think this is dried blood."  Louis says.  "Your stitches are still intact though."

"Great."  Harry mumbles.  "Is there a lot, or just a little?"

"Not too much."  Louis places the hair carefully back into place.  "Is it from the blood thinners?"

"Probably.  Let's just make sure to watch it today.  And no more alcohol."  Harry bemoans his unconsensual state of sobriety.  It's healthier anyway.

"You should eat.  And I'll make you another kale smoothie."  Louis says.

"You should go to work."  Harry shimmies over to the wall to stabilize himself.  "You've already taken two weeks off recently."

Louis picks up Harry's hand with his own and threads their fingers together.  "I've taken enough time off for me.  Now I need to take time off for you."

Harry's heart melts at that, and as much as the logical part of his brain tells him to fight it, his heart wins out on this one. 

Well.  Mostly. 

"Just like, two days."  Harry's eyes flutter shut.

"Nope.  Till you're better."  Louis puts the plate of food in his lap.  "Now eat breakfast please."

"'M too dizzy."  Harry lays down sideways, making sure not to spill the plate of food.

"Hazza-" Louis says, exasperated, "you need to eat."

"Y'sound like me."  Harry smiles.

"And you're slurring your words.  I think we should take you back to the hospital."  Louis squeezes his hand.

"'M fine.  'S'all good."  Harry yawns.

" _Harry_."  Louis shakes his hand a little.

"Yes my love?"  Harry opens his eyes to look at the deep creases of concern on Louis' face.

"Please don't go to sleep."  Louis pleads.

Harry moans.  He knows it could potentially be dangerous if he sleeps too much or for too long after having a concussion. 

"Fine."  He heaves himself upright again with the help of Louis and eats his egg on toast.

"Did you eat already?"  Harry takes the offered napkin from Louis.

"Yep.  I have to be at the top of my game if I'm to properly take care of you."  Louis takes the plate from him. 

He can already feel the food giving him a little bit of energy; but with the energy also comes his headache.

He pushes the covers off himself and stands up and ignores the head rush.  Louis is quick behind him.  Harry places a hand against the wall to guide himself down the hallway. 

He feels an arm around his waist and Louis' voice muffling something that sounds like distress.

"Lou-" Harry's vision goes spotty again and his knees give out, but he can feel Louis' arm tight around his waist.

~~~

"Damn it, I swear to God if I have to the stronger person in this relationship, we're doomed to fail." 

Harry feels something cold dripping down the sides of his forehead and reaches a hand up to feel a wet rag there. 

"Thank God."  Louis exhales.

"H'long was I out for?"  Harry asks.

"Less than a minute."  Louis wipes the rag across his face.  "Can you stop passing out?  Is that a feasible request?  It scares the shit out of me."

"I just stood up too quickly."  Harry stares at the ceiling.  There is a cobweb in the corner.

He averts his eyes.  He really doesn't want to clean.

"Take it easy then, yeah?  I'm only one man and you're a lot less easy to maneuver due to our height difference."  Louis grumbles.

"I've always loved that you're smaller than me."  Harry grins, still feeling lightheaded.

"Shush."  Louis pets Harry's chest.

"Can we have sex again?"  Harry asks.

Louis snorts.  "I think you hit your head too hard."

"Why won't you let me call you Daddy?"  Harry smiles.

Louis looks like he's just been thrown naked onto a battle front with nothing but a butter knife and his mouth parts open slightly.

He doesn't say anything for a moment.  Typical, Harry thinks, of Louis when faced with a blunt question. 

"I don't like thinking about dads."  Louis finally responds.

"Is that why you don't want kids either?"  Harry decides to ask instead of pushing the other issue.

"Yes."  Louis strains out.

"Would you ever want kids with me?"  Harry has to ask because it hasn't left his mind since that first day they spent in the park together.

Louis doesn't say anything.

Harry sits up and rests against the wall.

"We should get you to the couch.  You should rest."  Louis helps Harry up again.

Harry sighs at the dismissal and lets Louis help him down the hall.  "Do you think you could help me rent a car next week?"

"What?"  Louis falters as they round the corner into the living room.

"You're 26 so you can rent one.  I want to go back to Arizona and get my things.  I don't even have my laptop here.  And I think my mom will let me borrow the spare car for a while."  Harry says as he sits on the couch.

"Haz- let's just... let's talk about this later.  I can pay someone to move you out here though."  Louis sits next to him.

"I want to talk about this now because it's my life.  I need a car so I can get a job so I can then get an apartment."  Harry argues.

Louis' chest expands a little more as he takes a counted breath in.  "What's the point in trying to make us work if we don't even live together?  We live together now."

"We don't have to live together to make us work.  We didn't in Arizona."  Harry says evenly back.

"Yeah?  And look at how that turned out."  Louis snaps.

"I need to be independent Louis."  Harry says, getting increasingly frustrated.

"And I can't be!"  Louis yells.  "I need you Harry!  Why don't you get that?

Harry huffs out.  "I _do_.  I need you too Louis.  I just need to be independent too."

"Why?  _Why_ when you need me too?"  Louis stands up and faces Harry.

"Because you're supposed to be independent even when you're in a relationship.  Otherwise it turns into something codependent like your relationship with Zayn and then everyone is unhappy!"  Harry tries to push the concept through Louis' skull.

Louis throws his hands up in the air and yells.  "God, Harry, why do you make everything so difficult?  You constantly are coming up with stupid ass philosophies and hypocritical double standards.  I can _never_ do anything right with you."

"That's not true!"  Harry raises his voice, ignoring his screaming headache.

"Yes it is!"  Louis argues.  "First I'm meant to be completely dependent on you taking over my life and helping me be healthy again.  Next thing I know, I'm compromising and trying to move forward with our relationship and you drag up all these reasons for it to not happen!  I'm starting to believe you don't actually want to be with me.  You're just stuck in whatever fucking savior complex you've developed with me and refuse to let it go."

"No, it's not about that!"  Harry presses his hands to his temples.

"What is it about then?  Hmm?"  Louis places his hands on his hips.  "You told me last year you wanted conversations before getting together.  I've not only given them to you, but agreed to endless more on your terms as long as there's some alcohol for my sake." 

"Louis-" Harry puts his face in his hands.

"I'm not done!"  Louis yells.  "Then last time it was about _sex._ You didn't deem us fit to have sex and tack on all these assumptions about when and who does the fucking.  Granted, you _were_ right to whatever freaky extent.  But I can only imagine the thousands of other assumptions you've conjured up in your mind about me."

Harry groans.  "If I was _right_ -"

"It's not about that!  And _this time._ This time, it's me not being 'independent enough' when _you're_ the one who drove out to California to be with _me._   What the hell is your deal Haz?  Because you're acting really fucking ambivalent and I feel like the only one making an effort for our relationship here!"  Louis finishes.

Harry is glad, actually, that today is the day Louis explodes on him.  Because today is also the day after he has a concussion.  Which means as angry as he is, there's nothing he's willing to do about it due to his general exhaustion.  It's a small mercy from the universe really.

"Louis, that's all bullshit and you know it."  Harry ends up saying.

Louis gives a loud and fake laugh.  "In who's brain?  Yours?"

"No.  It's actually bullshit.  You know, in reality?  Where you've conveniently not lived the last six months?"  Harry retorts.

Louis rolls his eyes.  "This has nothing to do with that _and_ you know I've been fine lately.  This is about me trying to have an adult relationship with you and you running the fuck away from it at every turn."

Harry groans.  "I'm not running away.  I just want to wait-"

"Till when?  Tell me what the fuck you're waiting for."  Louis demands.

"Till you're ready... just..."  Harry really is out of words and his brain isn't sharp enough for quick witted arguments.

"Till _I'm_ ready?  I _am_ ready.  You're the one with the commitment issues here.  Grow the fuck up from college Haz.  From the temporary fucks and temporary sports teams and temporary jobs.  I'm trying to establish something permanent and you're doing everything to fight that.  Everything to fight any kind of commitment to me.  I know more about commitment than you ever will."  Louis storms into the kitchen to grab the vodka in the fridge.

Harry pinches the bridge of his nose.

Louis stomps over to the garage door.  "I'm going to Kara's.  I'll be back in five minutes to check on you."

Then with that, the door slams shut and Harry is alone.

It's quiet except for Harry's thoughts. 

Harry lies down on the couch. 

He's never thought of himself as being the one with problems.  Well...

Anger issues?  Okay, sure.  But he feels like he's dealt with those effectively.

Drinking issues?  Maybe possibly still a struggle.  But compared to his dad's alcoholism, Harry thinks he's done well for himself.

Commitment issues though.

Harry thinks there may be some truth to what Louis said to him.  He thinks that maybe.  Maybe this is what people mean when they say that relationships help with personal growth.

He thinks growing pains is probably an accurate way of describing how he feels at the moment.

"Fuck." 

He pats at his pockets, glad that he grabbed his phone earlier. 

His options.  He could call Niall.

No.

Miguel?

Considering how their last conversation went, no.

His mom.

Harry laughs.

He goes to his recent calls and dials Hayden.

"Hey Haz.  Calling to make sure Louis is here?"  Hayden asks.

The question is obviously rhetorical because Harry can hear Louis yelling from their kitchen.

"Wait, shouldn't Kara be at work?"  Harry asks.

"She took some days off to help me out.  The regional manager and admin from Northern California are covering their work load for a while."  Hayden says easily.

Harry sighs, trying not to be stressed over it.  "How are you feeling?"

"Fine.  Now why did you call?  I have a feeling it has less to do with me and more to do with Louis."  Hayden cuts his small talk short.

"Do I have commitment issues?"  Harry closes his eyes and rubs at his forehead.

"I mean, not to say I've already told you.  But I kind of already told you that I think you do.  I think you just don't know what you want.  It's not necessarily an issue with commitment.  You've done things that take commitment..."  Hayden trails off.  "Right?"

"I mean, I graduated college.  That was four and a half years of commitment.  And contrary to Louis' earlier accusation, being an athlete actually does take a shit ton of dedication considering I've done it as long as I can remember."  Harry says.

"There you go.  So just make up your mind and you're fine.  Don't be a pussy."  Hayden says simply.

"Well it's about more than that.  I know I want to be with Louis."  Harry says.

"What's stopping you?"  Hayden asks as Louis continues yelling in the background.

"Just... things..." Harry internally groans.

"I mean, I don't want to tell you to just do it because it's important to listen to your gut.  But it's important to know why you're saying no.  Especially with a relationship as far developed as yours and Louis'."  Hayden advises.

"Were you ever unsure about things with Kara?"  Harry asks.

"No.  I knew the moment I met her I had to make her mine."  Harry can hear the smile in Hayden's voice without even seeing her.  "But it's different for everyone.  Just make sure you don't end up holding yourself back from something great.  Every relationship requires leaps of faith at one point or another."

It's silent on the other end.

"Did Louis leave?"  Harry asks.

"Sounds like it."  Hayden muses.

"Does Kara still hate me?"  Harry asks, taking his lip between his teeth.

"She'll get over it.  I still love you all the same for what it's worth."  Hayden says fondly.

Harry smiles.  "Thanks Hay.  You're a great friend."  The garage door opens and he can hear Louis coming.  "I'll talk to you later though."

"Laters baby."  Hayden says suggestively.

Harry laughs and hangs up the phone with an eye roll.

Louis walks through the connecting door, shuts it behind him, and takes a quick swig of the fifth in his hand.  "So I'm not enough for you.  That's what I've determined it is.  I'll never be enough.  We should just end this now if that's the case."

"No, Louis-" God he wishes he could have some of the vodka in his hand.  Damn his concussion.  "It's not you, it's me."

Louis laughs.

"Here, can you just come sit by me?"  Harry sits up and pats the seat next to him.

Louis does so and sets the alcohol on the ground.

Harry turns his whole body to face Louis, and Louis looks at him.  "Is your neck hurting?"

"Just stiff."  Harry says.

"Hang on."  Louis gets off the couch and leaves into the bedroom.  When he returns, it's with a bottle of oil.  Louis sits on the opposite side of Harry to massage his neck.

Harry has a hard time relaxing into it though. 

"This won't work if you can't relax."  Louis says.  "Try taking four breaths in and six breaths out."

Harry does as instructed.  He finds that it does, in fact, help his mind and body calm down. 

"Much better."  Louis says softly and his fingers run up and down the sides of Harry's vertebrae making him shiver.

"I don't think it's fair to say I have commitment issues, but I do think it's fair to say that I don't know why I'm trepidatious about the whole thing."  Harry says.

"Trepidatious?"  Louis snickers.

"If you can make up conjugated words, I can too."  Harry smiles.

"Okay.  So...?"  Louis lets his fingers glide up underneath Harry's occipital bone and puts a light pressure there.

"Holy shit that helps my headache.  Please keep doing that."  Harry's muscles go limp and he leans back into Louis.

Louis places a small kiss to the tip of Harry's ear and works his fingers around the spot some more.

"I want you Louis.  I don't know what's holding me back."  Harry says honestly.

"Haz you either want to be with me or you don't.  You know who I am and I'm constantly compromising to meet your relationship standards, so it's just on you now."  Louis says.

"I love you."  Harry says matter-of-factly.

"Then be with me."  Louis urges.  "Stop making it so hard."

"Yeah."  Harry's eyes flutter shut.  "Okay."

"Yeah?"  Louis whispers.

"Yeah."  Harry goes horizontal.  "Spoon me.  Nap."

~~~


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: Family, friends, readers, and loved ones. I messed up again and I apologize. Chapter 17 has been fixed (I suggest going back and reading it since I skipped the whole thing altogether). Chapter 18 was always 18, and now here's 19 as my apology for you <3\. Thank you so much for helping me through the process of this website and being patient with my errors. And thank you for reading :)

 

~~~

John Rhys-Davies cries for war over the speakers and Harry pulls the blanket over his face.

"Lord of the Rings again?" Harry grumbles into Louis' lap.

"You're the one sleeping through most of it. Shouldn't matter to you." Louis threads his fingers through Harry's curls.

"It's been four days. Four days of waking up to Gimli at the Battle at Helms Deep." Harry complains.

Not that the last four days have been bad by any means. They've been incredibly relaxing if he's being honest. Just he and Louis and neck massages and movies all day. It's been a much needed time of relaxation and simple enjoyment between the two of them.

"It's a good movie. Plus, it's one of the only book series I read in high school." Louis pinches at the bridge of Harry's nose.

Harry scrunches his nose in retaliation. "Can we watch Kaminey after this?"

Louis snorts. "And you give _me_ shit about re-watching movies. We've watched your Hindi gangster show just as many times."

"Shahid Kapoor is hot. What can I say?" Harry says nonchalantly.

"I would smack you for that." Louis taps the top of his nose lightly. "But I do agree."

"So much hotter than Orlando Bloom. And he speaks Hindi." Harry says dreamily.

"You are so weird." Louis smothers Harry's face with his hands.

"You're my boyfriend. That makes you just as weird." Harry nips at Louis' hands.

Louis removes his hands and ducks down to kiss Harry upside down instead. "How are you feeling?"

Harry grins against Louis' lips. "Definitely well enough to have sex."

"You sure?" Louis presses butterfly kisses to Harry's cheek.

"I got my stitches removed this morning. Haven't passed out since that morning in the hall. Dizziness is going away. Headaches are more manageable." Harry reaches his arms up around Louis' neck to pull him against his lips. "Yes."

"I was thinking we could go to Arizona tomorrow to get the rest of your things." Louis whispers in his ear.

"Shh. Talk later. Sex now." Harry begs, only because Louis has refused to have sex the last four days 'until he got better'.

They've had mutual masturbation and love-bite sessions, but honestly, the reality of it is less fun when it's an actual limit to work around rather than a novelty.

"I dunno. I kind of like you a little desperate." Louis moves his mouth to Harry's neck, nipping lightly. "I think we should wait for tomorrow just in case. Well, longer than that since it will take us a while to drive to Arizona and back-"

Louis is cut short by Harry biting into the juncture of his neck. Louis yelps a little, and Harry takes the opportunity to pull Louis onto his body.

Their faces align with crotches, and Harry mouths at the outline of Louis' cock through his sweatpants and reaches hands in to knead his ass. They're both shirtless since lounging about the house all day really doesn't call for such formalities.

"Jeez- shit-" Louis gasps and grasps onto Harry's thighs. "Let me at least take my socks off."

Harry shakes his head, making sure to bury his nose as far in between Louis' thighs as it will go. Louis smells fantastically like Louis. Permanently like massage oils and a small hint of musk.

He can feel Louis' cock fill with blood against his cheek and moans at the feeling. He's getting hard himself.

Louis, obviously realizing that socks coming off are not something that Harry has the patience for at the moment, stabilizes himself on his knees and gets his hands around Harry's ever-growing length.

Harry yanks down the elastic waistband of Louis' sweatpants, instantly revealing his semi since they've both been going commando their last four homebound days, and pulls Louis into his mouth.

He sucks hungrily, reveling in the taste of a little bit of salty sweat and the soft skin against his tongue.

"God you taste so fucking good." Harry mouths around him.

Louis' fingers dig into his thighs. "Ah, _Haz_ \- yeah..."

Louis stiffens up more in Harry's mouth, so he pulls off with a wet pop to angle his cock in better. In the process he also spreads apart both of Louis' ass cheeks with hands that almost span the length of them and drags a finger along Louis' crack.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-" Louis chants.

Harry grazes his teeth towards the head of Louis' cock and flicks it with his tongue. "Ask me for it. Tell me you want me."

"God you're on one-" Louis pants and dips his hips deeper into Harry's mouth while pulling Harry's sweatpants down.

Harry's pants are down just enough to give Louis access to Harry's cock now and Louis wastes no time in giving it to him as earnestly as he is receiving.

Save for the sound of their wet mouths working each other's cocks, Lord of the Rings is the only other thing filling the space of the living room.

Until there's a loud vibration against Harry's thigh.

They both startle until Harry realizes it's just his phone again.

His mom, unfortunately, has been calling him nonstop the last two days. Harry has maybe conveniently been avoiding the calls.

He got a little worried when he started receiving calls from Niall and Niall's mom, and then Miguel. He supposes it won't do anybody any harm if he doesn't answer for another couple days though. He'll call it his honeymoon period where he can just enjoy unadultered and stress free time with his boyfriend.

Louis reaches a hand into Harry's pocket and pulls out the phone. "Fucking silence this shit next time." He's is about to throw it across the room when Harry feels him pause. "Actually-"

"No, don't answer it!" Harry rushes out.

Though it seems answering the phone call wasn't what Louis had in mind. A half second later his phone is being pressed against his balls and he feels it vibrate through every inch of his body.

" _Fuck!_ " His hips cant up reflexively and Louis' mouth meets his cock halfway.

Harry has lost all concentration that involves him sucking Louis' dick, so he ends up mouthing at Louis' thighs while his body feels like it's being shaken to its core and lifted a thousand miles up into space.

"See how your mom likes calling you now." Louis mumbles around Harry's cock.

Harry would take the time to mutter something about Louis having no sense of modesty, but really, he's grown to love that about Louis anyway. Also, his brain and body are otherwise engaged.

Harry sucks a hard hickey into the side of Louis' thigh when Louis shoves his vibrating phone further down into the abyss between Harry's ass cheeks. There's a corner prodding at his rim and he _definitely_ will need to sterilize the hell out of it if he makes it out alive.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he vaguely registers that his mom has now tried calling twice in a row. When the phone stops vibrating, he prays she calls a third time.

Louis seems to share his thoughts and pulls off his cock with a hard suck. "Think she'll call back again? Think she'd be mortified to know I'm getting you off on this?"

Harry whines a bit and lifts his hips up to meet Louis' mouth again. He feels a warm drop of Louis' pre-come smear against his cheek.

"Think I'm going to have to get you off all by myself or do you think she'll help?" Louis rubs the sweaty phone tauntingly up and down Harry's thigh.

Harry lifts his legs reflexively to allow better access to the backs of his knees, and the anticipation of whether or not there will be a third call is just as strong as the anticipation of whether or not Louis is going to touch him there.

Both questions are answered when Louis opts for going down on him again and his phone starts to vibrate.

"God, yes, yes, yes, Louis _please_." Harry lifts his leg just a little more to try and get closer to the rumbling of the phone.

Louis decides to continue taunting him and Harry wants to scream.

Lord of the Rings, it would seem, has gone to a quieter scene. The only reason Harry realizes this is because he can now hear the pounding at Louis' door.

"Fucking Kara." Harry bites into Louis' thigh again. It's probably been Kara calling him this whole time then. Except- "Do you think it's an emergency?"

"Don't care." Louis' bracketed thighs tighten around Harry's ribcage as he goes down faster on Harry.

The doorbell rings though and-

"God damn it." Harry complains, pissed that both the phone has stopped vibrating and that whoever is at the door is pulling him from the throes of his pleasure. "Louis, stop."

"I will fucking fire her." Louis growls and dismounts Harry.

Louis pulls his pants up not quite high enough to cover his erection, but Harry decides against telling him that the head is still poking out. Kara deserves it really.

"What the actual fuck is so important that has you knocking down my god damned door in the middle of the first time in four days I get to suck my boyfriend's cock-" Louis' yelling abruptly stops when the door gets pulled open.

There's a put-off gasp and then a slap, and _that_ has Harry on his feet quicker than anything. He shoves his dick in his pants and rounds the corner to see his mom and Niall in their doorway.

"What the _fuck_?" Harry's jaw drops.

Anne stomps in and shoves Louis to the side to grab Harry by the ear. "Don't you use that foul language with me young man. Now tell me what in the Lord's name are you still doing here and why you've been avoiding my calls! You better be _damned_ grateful I found you before I filed a missing persons report with the police."

Harry crumbles at the harsh pinching of his ear- his mother's nails digging in and his blood still pumping from previous activities.

"Get your hands off him and get out of my damn house!" Louis yells.

Harry holds his hands up to try and signal a truth. "Mom, Louis, calm down. Hang on. What the _hell_ is going on?"

Anne snappily releases his ear and Harry trips back into Louis. Louis catches him with both arms around his ribcage and helps him upright.

"So _this_ is Louis. This is the 'man' you're in love with. He looks every bit as hopeless as I suspected and it's obvious you're going downhill with him." Anne looks disgustingly up and down at Harry's state of debauchery.

"What are you doing here?" He asks his mom, then looks to Niall. "And _you._ Why the _hell_ are you here?"

Niall opens his mouth to explain but Anne snaps a finger over at him to shut him up.

"Did you really think you could hide from me forever? I'm here to bring your smart ass back to Arizona where it belongs. Time to stop playing make believe and put this behind you." Anne makes a brushing movement towards Louis.

"I'm not going anywhere!"

"He's not going anywhere!"

Louis and Harry both yell at the same time.

Niall chortles from the doorway then claps a hand over his mouth.

Anne points at Louis. "He's my son and he is coming with me. Your opinion is irrelevant." She points to the door next. "Harry, go get in the car."

"Mom, I'm 23 years old and I'm not going back to Arizona. I'm staying here with Louis. This is my life now." Harry says, trying to get his voice more to a conversational tone and mostly failing since he's still shaken up.

Louis holds his hand supportively.

Anne folds her arms. "Tell me Harry. What is your life? Riding off the accomplishments of someone else's career? Being a housewife all day to someone who needs you more than you need him?"

"Being with Louis is my life now. I'm getting a job soon and I'm moving out here and living with my boyfriend." Harry stands up for himself.

"Cute." Anne smacks her lips condescendingly. "If you know what's good for you, you'll get in the car."

" _Louis_ is what's good for me and I'm staying here. If you have a problem with that then you should leave." Harry grits through his teeth.

"I thought I raised you better than this. Your father would be so ashamed." Anne taps her foot against the tile entryway.

"Don't bring dad into this!" Harry yells and feels Louis' grip tighten around his hand.

"Your father has _every right_ to be in this conversation Harry." Anne says with less fury and more sadness.

Harry's anger instantly dissipates at seeing his mom sad like she was for so long after Robin died.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asks, letting his grip on Louis loosen.

She purses her lips. "I think this is a conversation long overdue for us to have. Get yourself cleaned up and I'll tell you on the trip back."

"Mom, I'm not going anywhere. If you want to talk, it's going to be here." Harry says firmly.

Anne keeps her nose in the air as she sighs. "Alright then. But go get cleaned up. You look like a sybaritic tart."

" _Excuse_ me-" Louis cuts in.

"Yes, _excuse_ _you_. The one to debase my son. Doesn't even have the decency to call his mother back for days on end, more or less wipe your fluids from his face anymore." Anne spits a little at him.

Niall cackles again from the doorway and shuts himself up after Anne glares at him.

"Pardon me for doing _adult_ things with your _adult_ son who is perfectly capable of making his own _adult_ decisions. You're the one who walked in here uninvited so if you have a problem with what you walked in on, that's no one's fault but your own." Louis retorts back.

"Louis, mom, chill." Harry doesn't bother wiping his cheek off because well, it really wouldn't make much of a difference at this point. "Mom, have a seat. Niall, don't fucking touch anything. Louis, come to the bathroom with me."

Harry drags Louis into their bathroom. He can hear the front door shut from behind them and Harry leans over the sink to catch his breath.

"Hazza, what the hell is going on?" Louis places his hands on Harry's hips.

"Louis can you just- not- for a second?" Harry digs the palms of his hands into his eyes.

Louis pulls his hands off from Harry's hips like they've been burned. "Hey, you can talk to me." He says softly.

"I don't _know_ what's going on. I don't know." Harry runs his hands through his hair.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. Let's just... what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call the police? I can call the police..." Louis offers.

"No. I just need to talk to her. I'll talk to her then I'm sure she'll leave." Harry breathes shallowly.

"Do you know why Niall's here?" Louis questions.

"I don't fucking know Louis!" Harry hyperventilates.

"Haz, hey." Louis places his hands on Harry's shoulders. "Four breaths in, six out, okay? It's okay."

Harry nods slowly.

"In." Louis instructs.

Harry breathes in for four seconds.

"Out." Louis breathes out with Harry.

Harry lets some of the anxiety dissipate with the exhale.

"All better?" Louis asks with a small smile.

"Almost." Harry says.

Louis leans in before Harry expects it and licks a fat stripe up his cheek.

"What the hell?" Harry yelps.

"You had my 'fluids' on your cheek." Louis thumbs over the wet spot and smiles.

Harry grins back because they've come so far together.

"For all intents and purposes, I do have to agree with your mom in that you look a little on the side of a strumpet at the moment." Louis teases as he fixes some of Harry's mussed curls and looks pointedly at the dozens of love-bites on his chest.

Harry snorts. "What is with you and my mom and the old-fashioned slurs for hussy?"

"Harold, 'hussy' is just as old fashioned as tart and strumpet. Just not as tasty sounding." Louis gives him a peck on the cheek and then washes his hands. "Now, if I had things my way, your mom would be locked out of my house and have a restraining order against her by now, but it seems as if you have different plans. So. What do you want from me?"

Harry sighs. "My mom's really not that bad, I promise. Just. Let's get dressed. I dunno, make her tea or something. Just give me some time to talk to her alone so she'll chill."

"And what do you want me to do? Sit and entertain Niall in the kitchen?" Louis asks dourly.

"You're clever. I'm sure you'll think of something." Harry says imperviously.

"God I'm going toneed to take my meds early for this." Louis flicks the wet droplets from his hand onto Harry's face. "Let's get dressed then."   

~~~


	20. Chapter 20

 

A/N: Thank you for all the love and comments and kudos and reads <3 <3

Dedicated to @hazzatopslou :D

-Dannie

~~~

Harry sits with a cup of Daokrajai oolong in his hand, glad that Louis didn't over-sweeten the tea.

His mom smells it suspiciously and then sets it on the coffee table. "You weren't kidding when you said you both like Asian things."

"You should at least try it. He makes it really well and it's his favorite brand." Harry urges his mom. "He gets it imported."

"He boiled some leaves and handed it to me. I put more effort into my morning coffee." Anne dismisses. "I've tried enough of yours to know that tea is not something I enjoy."

"This is from Thailand though. It's not as spicy as the Indian ones I had you try." Harry counters.

"Harry, I didn't come here to discuss tea. We need to have a serious discussion about the choices you're making with your life." Anne crosses her legs and faces towards Harry.

Harry ignores the fact that he and Louis were sucking each other off on the same couch less than 15 minutes ago and gives his full attention to his mom. "Not until you tell me how you found me and why Niall is here."

Anne gives a breathy laugh. "Oh _that_ is quite the story. You see, two days ago I receive a call from the _health_ _insurance company_ about getting your mail forwarded. I'm still not only your mother, but your emergency contact and permanent address on file and they sang like songbirds for me."

Harry tries not to audibly groan.

"Then I thought I'd give our auto insurance a call seeing as the health insurance informed me you were in an _accident._ " Anne glares at him. "You don't even have the courtesy to let your own mother know you were in the hospital with a concussion and totaled your motorcycle?"

"It wasn't a big deal." Harry brushes off.

"Like hell it wasn't a big deal! I have consequences for this too Harry. I'm a co-signer on your wrecked bike and if you took the time to think of anyone other than yourself, you'd realize that it affects my life too." Anne reprimands.

"Sorry." Harry looks down at his steaming cup of tea.

"How did you wreck that thing anyway? They said you were going 10 miles an hour in a residential and rear-ended someone." Anne chides.

"Just wasn't paying attention." Harry lies.

Anne raises an eyebrow but doesn't push the issue. "Let's just mark that on the long list of careless choices you've made with your life then."

"Mom, I'm not being careless. You need to trust me." Harry says, exasperated.

"Trust you? Harry, you don't know the first thing about making smart choices if this last month is anything to go off of." Anne flicks her bangs off her forehead with long, red nails.

"Look, I don't care mom. Let me be a fuck up then and make not smart choices. At least I'm happy." Harry tries to negotiate.

"Sweetie." Anne rests a hand on his thigh. "You don't know the first thing about the man in the kitchen over there."

"You mean Niall? Because you're right. I don't know anything about who he is anymore." Harry argues petulantly.

Anne purses her lips. "I mean Louis. He's a drug user honey-"

"He's not a drug user. He used to be, but he doesn't anymore." Harry waves it off with his hand. "Hell, mom, I'm just as much a drug user as he is."

Anne raises her eyebrows at him. "Experimental marijuana in college isn't the same thing as frying your brain with ecstasy and trying to hold down a job."

"I don't give a fuck. I love him either way. I could care less if he was still doing it." Which, okay no. Harry _would_ care simply for the sake of Louis' health. But he's trying to make a point.

"Do you know how your dad died?" Anne asks.

"What?" Harry squints at the sudden change in topic.

"Do you know how your dad died?" She repeats.

"He was drinking and driving." Harry says, recalling the horrible night eight years ago when he and his mom woke up to a call from the police.

"Do you remember the man that hit him?" Anne asks.

"Um... no." Harry doesn't remember much between the shock and funeral and anger.

"He was _high_ off of some pills." Anne says distastefully. "Just like Louis pops so recreationally and carelessly. It was a man just like Louis who killed your father."

Harry's stomach churns at that. "He was drunk too."

"And not that I condone drinking and driving _in the least,_ but your father had driven home drunk more times than I can count. If it weren't for that druggie, your father would surely still be alive." Anne says.

"No mom. You don't get to blame this on anything other than dad. _He_ was the one with the problems. Maybe if he hadn't _been_ drunk, he would have been able to avoid the collision. He was a ticking time bomb with how he was living." Harry argues.

"Just like you and Louis. How long until he relapses, hmm? It's just like you and drinking. It's never long until you'll cling to alcohol to drown your sorrows in again. Just like your father." Anne shakes her head with disapproval.

"So is your problem with me or with Louis? Because it sounds like it's pretty equal at this point, and if that's the case then I don't have anything to tell you other than sorry for not being good enough." Harry bites out the words and feels sick at how similar Louis' sounded to him only days prior.

"I didn't have a problem with Louis until I found out he was a druggie. How do you not see that drugs will always be more important to him than you are? He's just taking what he can get for as long as you'll give it." She says.

"He's not like that at all. If you would just take the time to get to know him, you'd see that." Harry points out.

"I already see that he's isolated you from everyone important in your life and made you completely dependent on him. You don't have a thing to your name. That's called an abusive relationship son." Anne folds her arms.

"My stuff is in Arizona, _which_ , we were _going_ to get tomorrow. I'm getting a job as soon as my neck heals. And did you think that maybe I don't want to talk to any old people in my life anymore? I have friends here that are fantastic too." Harry says.

"I'm your mother Harry and I haven't heard from you in weeks." Anne says.

"That's because I don't want to talk to you if all you're going to do is talk down to me or judge me for the choices I'm making." Harry admits.

"Honey, I'm not judging you. I just don't want to see you get hurt." Her eyes soften and her shoulders loosen.

"I don't want to get hurt either mom. I knew what I was doing coming out here and I know that there is some risk involved. But- every relationship requires leaps of faith at some point." Harry recites what Hayden told him days prior. "I'm sure you and dad had to do the same."

Anne is quiet and thoughtful for a moment.

Harry continues on. "You said you don't trust me to make decisions, but how are you ever going to trust me when you don't allow me to make my own and show you that they work out well?"

"I don't want you ending up how I did Harry. You can do so much better than Louis." Anne bites her bottom lip between her teeth leaving a small lipstick print behind. "I'm not saying I didn't love your father very much- because I _did_ \- I'm just saying I always thought he would change for me."

"Louis doesn't change for me. He changes for him. I mean- we definitely help each other be better people when we're together and we've helped each other learn and grow a _lot_ \- but Louis is who I love. He's amazing. I just wish you could see that." Harry says.

"How do you expect me to see eye to eye with someone who willingly alters their state of reality and has hurt my baby?" Anne asks.

Harry huffs out a small laugh. "Mom, you're being a hypocrite. You love dad and he altered his reality all the time. He hurt both of us all the time but you loved him the same." Harry takes another sip of his tea. "Besides, I'm not much better. Drinking and all that. By your standards, we deserve each other equally."

Anne doesn't say anything.

Harry takes the time to let his own hypocrisy hit home. He wonders how often he's talked to Louis in the way that his mom talks to him. He wonders how the hell Louis has put up with it for so long.

"I want you guys to get along." Harry says trepidantly. "I'm going to be with him for a long time and it would be really great if you could just give him a chance."

Anne nods. "Alright then."

Harry smiles and lunges forward to hug his mom. His mom smells like home, and now that he she's finally willing to try and accept Louis, he can really relax into it and take the time to miss home for a moment.

"To the kitchen then? I think he's making curry." Harry sniffs the air experimentally and notes the lack of burnt smell. "And successfully, I will proudly add."

Anne laughs good-naturedly. "Been teaching him all of my cooking secrets?"

"He actually just picks it up from watching me." Harry smiles at the dozens of times Louis has sat on the counter eating red peppers while Harry cooks. "He's really perceptive."

Anne hums noncommittedly and follows Harry into the kitchen.

And. Well. Harry's just glad he got here in time because the curry sauce is boiling over and Louis is slamming a butcher knife with a whole onion attached at the end of it against his granite countertop.

He tosses the knife stuck in the onion on the counter and looks up at Harry. "Help?"

Harry laughs as he dashes to take the pot of sauce off the burner and turn the setting to medium instead. Then grabs paper towels to wipe up the mess and gives Louis a soft kiss on the mouth.

"I was just doing what I saw you do." Louis mumbles.

"Just make sure to grab a cutting board next time. Granite isn't completely indestructible. Especially against the forces of you." Harry gives him a kiss to the forehead then pulls out a cutting board.

Louis stands next to him and watches.

"Sawing motions with the knife if it's not sharpened. Don't try and do blunt force." Harry explains while using Louis' dull knife set.

"Right." Louis says.

"You did really good babe." Harry praises him.

Louis doesn't say anything to that and silently watches Harry. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other though, and Harry knows he's still trying to figure out what's going on.

Harry speaks up to try and get them all on the same page. "So mom, you never told me why Niall is here with you."

Niall looks up from the kitchen table, having finally been indirectly addressed by someone. Niall is smart enough to pick up that Harry didn't directly ask him though and stays quiet.

"I kept bothering Niall if he had heard from you. When I got the phone call from the health insurance company, I asked him again if he knew anything. His mom didn't either and when you didn't answer any of our calls, Niall said Miguel might be able to get a hold of you. When _that_ didn't work, I put my happy ass in my car and was ready to raise hell." Anne says. "Niall was there and offered to come along as moral support."

Well, now that he has his mom's answer.

"Niall, why the hell are you here?" Harry asks, passing Louis the chopped up onion.

"Wanted to keep your mom company." Niall says simply.

Harry flicks his eyes up to look at Niall. He's not being facetious, but he's not being completely serious either.

"You platonically wanted to keep my mom company for a consecutive 20 straight hours for a trip that's purpose was to come get me and meant seeing Louis?" Harry quirks an eyebrow. "Sounds like I'm missing out on something here."

"Well I was banking on the fact that Louis wouldn't be home." Niall mumbles.

Louis throws a handful of onions at him.

Niall scowls and Harry laughs.

"Your mom mentioned that it might be easier to get you to come along if I was there." Niall admits.

"Ha!" Harry and Louis both fake laugh at the same time, then giggle for real.

"God, you guys have gotten worse. It's disgusting." Niall says half-heartedly.

"Language Niall." Anne reprimands.

"Sorry." Niall says dejectedly.

And though Harry really isn't interested in mending things with Niall at this point, he still doesn't like seeing him so dismal.

"What's wrong Nialler?" Harry asks, pulling carrots from the fridge.

"Nothing." Niall tries too hard for nonchalance.

Harry and Louis exchange a look, Harry asking permission of sorts, and Louis understanding that Harry should resolve any unsettled feelings with Niall.

"So Louis, my mom got a massage in Tokyo once." Harry tries to get a conversation going between them.

Harry knows it's the easiest route for Louis to take and can instantly see the confidence take over his features.

"Really? Tokyo huh?" Louis lights up. "Let me guess, traditional Shiatsu?"

Anne cocks her head to the side. "Yes actually. It was very different."

"Definitely. Shiatsu is geared a lot more towards improving the energy flow in the body than anything else. In America we mostly stick to Swedish or Deep Tissue massages. Did you notice a difference from massages you've gotten in the states?" Louis asks conversationally.

"You know, I did actually. And I've always wondered- what's the difference between them all? I'm not sure which kinds I've had and haven't had." Anne asks, interested.

"Ni, c'mere for a sec. I need your help with a thing." Harry motions for the door and Niall follows Harry out of the house.

"'I need your help with a thing.' Really?" Niall chuckles lightly.

Harry closes the door behind him. "What did you want me to say?"

"I dunno." Niall says.

Harry takes a deep breath. "So."

"So." Niall echoes.

"You're here." Harry sits on the edge of the porch.

Niall sits next to him. "I'm here because you're here."

Harry smiles. "I'm here because Louis is here."

"You know it was really stupid of you to leave your friends and family behind like that at graduation." Niall rests his chin on his hands.

"I've done a lot of stupid things. But coming here wasn't one of them." Harry wonders if he'll have to go through the same conversation that he just did with his mom.

"Why him over me?" Niall turns to look at him. "We've been best friends for 13 years Haz. You've almost known him for one. You say you loved me for so long, but you're here with him and not in Phoenix with me. What changed that?"

Harry wasn't really expecting to have Niall confront him with this question, but finds that the answer comes easily anyway.

"I changed. It's as simple as that really." Harry scratches at this side of his head. "I do feel bad because I didn't realize how much I had changed until it was too late and I had already fucked things over."

"But it's reparable Haz. We can fix what went wrong. We can't just throw it all away." Niall chews at his nail- a nervous habit of his.

"It's not throwing it away. It's just moving on. I've changed. You've changed. We should just learn from each other and move on." Harry explains.

"Jesus." Niall scoffs. "It's so easier for you because you have Louis."

"No. I know how you feel Niall. Trust me, I do. But... it is what it is." Harry says.

Niall bites at his index nail this time. "More than that Haz, I miss my best friend. Can't we at least go back to that?"

Harry takes his bottom lip between his teeth. "I can't be there for you as a friend when you need me as more."

"Alright then." Niall nods slowly. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner. Things could have been different if I wasn't dense for so long."

Harry shakes his head. "It was meant to be this way. My heart was always meant to belong to Louis."

"You've both changed, but, you guys seem really content." Niall says.

"Yeah. We are." Harry smiles. "I hope you find a really good person Niall. You deserve to be happy too."

"Thanks." Niall stands up. "Back inside then?"

Harry nods and follows suit. Their conversation was everything it needed to be, and Harry feels like anything more would just be making excuses and anything less would be inauthentic.

So he follows Niall back inside, glad that they can both have some closure on their relationship now.

Seeing Louis with his hands down his mother's shirt wasn't something he was expecting to walk in on though.

"Oh Louis, that feels _wonderful_!" Anne preens.

Harry runs into Niall's back. He too, it seems, has stopped at the sight.

Louis looks up and gives Harry an award-winning grin and Harry laughs loudly into his hand.

"Honey, I take back what I said if it means I get free neck massages all the time." Anne says lightly.

Louis slits his eyes at Niall who, Harry assumes, rolled his eyes at the comment. Harry just shakes his head in amusement.

"How's the curry coming along?" Harry asks.

"Good." Louis kneads his fingers into Anne's shoulders some more. "Finished cutting the carrots so they're in there now and just waiting for the potatoes to cook through."

"Awesome love." Harry takes a seat at the kitchen table and Louis finishes his massage on Anne to take the seat next to him.

"So, you mentioned you were getting a job? Does this mean you've also found a place you're moving to?" Anne inquires.

Louis looks to Harry to relay the answer they discussed.

"I'll start applying for jobs in a couple days and I'm moving in with Louis." Harry says confidently.

"You're moving in with Louis." Anne repeats.

"Yes. I'm staying here permanently with him- or well, unless he gets promoted and transferred again- then I'll go with him." Harry says.

"You go where Louis goes?" Anne muses.

"He's my boyfriend." Harry states.

Louis squeezes his thigh under the table. He can hear Louis breathing shallowly like he's ready to jump in and defend Harry at any moment.

"Mhmm. And how exactly do you plan on following him now that your insurance has skyrocketed, cash has run out, and you don't have a motorcycle anymore?" A touch of sarcasm laces her voice.

Harry's about to turn on the humble graveling for her spare car and maybe split the insurance and payments for the first couple months until he starts getting paid at a job, but Louis cuts in.

"I'll actually be taking care of it until Harry gets on his feet again." Louis says calmly.

Anne cocks her head with great interest and Niall mirrors her.

"Oh? And how does my son feel about such _generous_ charity?" She looks to Harry.

Harry opens his mouth to protest, but that's not what ends up coming out. "We're a couple now and we help each other out. Plus," Harry adds, "it's not charity. I've agreed to pay him back as soon as I'm able to." Harry gives Louis a pointed look.

Louis gives a slight nod of his head, even though this is the first time they're coming to any kind of agreeance on the matter.

Anne doesn't say anything and neither does Niall.

"I'll check on the curry." Harry gets up and walks over to the stove to dish it up for everyone.

"What are your accommodations for the night?" Louis asks.

"We actually will leave right after this. We didn't plan for a long stay." Anne looks over at Niall who nods in agreeance.

Harry brings everyone a plate of lunch and takes his seat beside Louis again.

"How is your head sweetie?" Anne asks before taking a bite of food.

Louis and Harry look at each other and Niall sniggers.

"Get your mind out of the gutter." Anne snaps at Niall.

"Oh. Right. It's fine. Just been resting a lot. I've called in a couple times with questions but the doctors said I was good. I got my stitches removed this morning." Harry recounts.

"Have you been fainting?" She asks.

"No more than usual." Harry hides a smile with it.

"And your wrist?" She asks.

"Mom, it wasn't a big deal. My brain and my wrist are fine. I've just been taking it easy." Harry brushes it aside because moms always make a bigger deal about things than they have to.

"You'd better be." Anne says and then finally eats. "This is very good by the way. Thank you sweetie."

"Louis made it." Harry looks over to Louis fondly.

"I couldn't have done it without Harry's help. Probably would have burnt the kitchen down. Though, I'm not the one who has the track record with that." Louis teases.

The ghost of a smile crosses Niall's face and Harry grins.

"Well then thank you for lunch Louis." Anne corrects herself.

"Anytime." Louis beams with pride.

~~~


	21. Chapter 21

 

A/N: There are a few lines of Spanish dialogue.  Anything important to the plot is alluded to, explained, or plays out later in the scene.  If it drives you crazy not knowing what they're saying, Google Translate can be your friend :)

-Dannie :)

~~~

"Hazzaaaaaa." Louis moans pitifully.

"Shh. I don't want to hear it. We're almost done!" Harry groans as he hauls his nightstand up into the moving truck.

"Harry I'm hungry." Louis rolls onto his side and wraps his arms around his stomach.

"Baby stop being dramatic." Harry jumps into the back of the truck and slides the nightstand on top of his desk.

"Ugggghhhhhh." Louis wails from the pavement.

Harry rolls his eyes and picks up the water bottle he had previously set down on a stack of boxes. He hops down from the truck and stands over Louis with one foot on either side of his ribcage.

Louis rolls onto his back and looks up at Harry. "Has Phoenix always been so hot? I swear it wasn't this hot when we lived here."

Harry uncaps the water bottle and brings it up to his lips. "Let me help you with that." Harry tips the water bottle upside down and dumps it all over Louis' chest and face.

"Ahh! Twat!" Louis spits and flings his hands in the air to try and push the water away. Then he sits up too quickly and accidentally head butts Harry in the groin.

"Oh my _God!_ _Fuck!_ " Harry's knees buckle and he collapses into Louis' lap. "I'm sterile. You've sterilized me." He grunts into Louis' shoulder. He wants to cry. Actually cry. The entire region is cramping. He might be crying. His damn sensitive eye ducts.

"Shit, I'm so sorry!" Louis frantically palms up and down Harry's back as his wet hair flicks against the sides of Harry's cheek. "You can't just pour water on me and expect me not to react though."

"Everything alright here?" Miguel pauses in his trail at the sight of Harry in Louis' lap.

"Great. Just. Being abused. No big deal. Carry on." Harry pants.

"You do talk such shit." Louis gives him a kiss to the cheek. "Really though, are you okay?"

"Fine. Let's just finish up, yeah?" Harry wipes the traitor tear from the corner of his eye and picks himself out of Louis' lap.

"I have burritos and horchata for everyone!" Selena walks out to hand a water bottle to Miguel.

He gives her a kiss on the cheek. "Gracias mi media naranja. Eres perfecta"

"Enough of that." Harry pretend gags, but is secretly completely thrilled that things are working out between Miguel and Selena.

Louis claps his hands together. "Well I'm lost."

"Ai carumba! You're embarrassing our guests." Selena sasses him and flits him away.

Miguel holds his hands up in defense. "Perdón. Let's do lunch then!"

Harry shakes his head and laughs. He wraps an arm around Louis' waist and they head inside.

Selena sets the table passes out plates to everyone. "Now, Harry, Miguel has told me all about you." Harry shoots him a look and Miguel smiles guiltily. "But I do not know much about Louis. Are you originally from here?" She looks to Louis' whose eyes have widened a little at being addressed.

Louis clears his throat. "No actually. Grew up and went to school in the Vegas area. Lived abroad for a year. I almost went to New York, but decided on Phoenix instead. Now I'm in San Diego."

Harry knows all of this clinically. It's just. Weird hearing him say it to other people in a way that doesn't have the emotional attachment behind it. Harry knows the stories behind all those places and the when and the why. He feels oddly defensive about Louis' personal information. Probably because it took him so long to learn all of it.

Miguel laughs. "New York. Phoenix. Same thing."

"Don't be rude mijo." Selena swats him on the shoulder. "What made you come here?" She asks Louis.

Louis shrugs. "Life just had a different plan for me. I, uh- my father traveled here for work often, so I had always grown up coming to Phoenix. I liked it. Still close enough to home."

That. Harry did not know. Louis told him it was just family vacations that brought him to Phoenix as a kid.

"Do you visit your parents often?" Selena asks.

Harry tries not to act like he's sitting on the edge of his seat. Dinner with friends that are strangers to Louis is the best idea he's ever had. He wonders if he texted Miguel questions to ask Louis if he would do it.

No. That's crazy. That's what crazy people do. Harry is not crazy.

"My parents split." Louis offers simply.

Selena sets down the bowls of different condiments and burrito innards on the table. "Ai ai ai that's horrible. Mi parents split when I was 10, then remarried when I was 14. Do you see them separately then?"

"No." Louis says finitely. He gives Harry the most imperceptible side glance.

Harry sighs. He can't just ignore Louis asking Harry to change the subject. Harry is the only line of defense Louis has in situations where he's expected to be that person between personal and professional.

"Siguiente tema por favor." Harry jumps in to let Selena know to move on to the next topic.

"Que vergüenza!" Selena holds a hand on her heart. "Perdóname."

"Esta bien." Harry says to let her know not to feel badly.

Louis is looking disapprovingly at Harry. "Jesus I didn't know you were fluent."

Harry and Miguel laugh. "Oh shit. No. Very much _not_ fluent. But you can't grow up in Arizona without picking up on some." Harry shakes his head.

"I've never heard you speak Spanish though." Louis states.

"That's because you don't speak Spanish." Harry responds with amusement.

Louis gives Harry a look that Harry is sure he thinks is vicious. He mostly looks like a cat dunked in water though and Harry wants to wrap him in a towel and snuggle him.

Harry piles a burrito together and gives it to Louis. Louis' face softens once the plate of food is placed in front of him. Harry knows he'll be over his grudge by the time his burrito is gone.

"So Harry, you've found yourself a job then?" Miguel asks.

Harry chokes on his burrito.

"Babe-" Louis offers his glass of horchata to him.

Harry takes it to swallow down the rice that had gotten lodged there. "Um, no not yet. I sent my application to a few museums and magazines on the drive here. But I haven't heard anything back yet."

"Are you looking for anything specific?" Miguel queries.

"Well... no. Not anymore honestly. Just anything I can use my degree for." Harry says, not regretting letting go of his original dream of traveling the world as an anthropologist journaling his way across the globe.

"It's funny- I just got back in touch with one of my old friends. He's actually from Vegas too. Executive producer for a new television series in So Cal. It's... what do you call it- Bollywood?" Miguel asks.

Harry lifts his eyebrows in curiosity. "Yeah...?"

"Please, no more Bollywood shows. We only have Netflix, so if it's not on there, we're not paying extra for it Haz." Louis puts his foot down like Harry doesn't have access to stream it for free anyway.

"No, they haven't filmed it yet." Miguel chuckles. "He mentioned though how they need a consultant for the show though. For historical accuracy. Is that something you're qualified to do?"

Harry _feels_ Louis smiling next to him and Harry wants to jump out of his seat. "Yeah maybe- _yeah_ actually. Holy shit. I don't have my Masters though like most historians. You think he would look at my resume and consider it anyway?"

Miguel shrugs. "I only spoke to him yesterday so I don't know all the details, but I'm sure the position is still available. Forward me your resume and I'll tell him you're up for anything short of prostitution for the position."

"Miguel!" Selena exclaims.

Louis and Harry laugh though.

"Thanks man. That'd be awesome." Harry grins, grateful that he has a good friend in Miguel.

The rest of lunch goes smoothly and Harry thinks about the rest of the things there are to pack. It's mostly just clothes. It's nice to see some of his favorite shirts and jeans though. Also, his favorite incense that he can start diffusing to make his room smell like home again.

Speaking of nice smells and things. While he's here, Harry figures he may as well make use of it. He doesn't plan on being back to Arizona any time soon and Harry is the type of person who likes to be prepared.

He waits until Selena leaves to the kitchen.

"Miguel? Tienes zacate? Traigo treinta." Harry says as inconspicuously as possible.

Miguel snorts. "Ay caramba! Debo pedir?"

"Can we English please? Or did I not make explicitly clear that I only speak one language?" Louis slits his eyes at Harry.

Harry holds his hands up. "Sorry. Habit when I'm with Miguel. Just asking if he still had one of um- my medals. From graduation. I gave it to him before walking out. He said he'd have to check and see."

"Mmhmm. Shall I help look then?" Louis offers all too generously.

Harry looks at Miguel for help. Miguel rolls his eyes.

"Amor!" Miguel calls to Selena in the kitchen. "Distrae el novio mientras hacemos transacciones de drogas ilícitas por favor!"

Harry bites his knuckles to keep from laughing.

"Voy a tener sus cajones para hacer suciedad aquí!" She calls back and Miguel blushes and Harry snorts. "Louis?! Can you help me in the kitchen?"

Louis gives Harry a deadpan look.

Harry shrugs. "I'll be back in just a second?"

"We are having a long discussion about this later and you're not going to enjoy it." Louis scoots his chair back and stomps into the kitchen.

When Louis leaves, Harry follows Miguel to the other side of the house. He turns to face Harry when they get in the bedroom. "I don't want to be the cause of dispute between you two."

"You're not." Harry says innocently. "He's fine with it."

"Then why did you ask me in a language he couldn't understand?" Miguel reprimands.

"It's not a big deal. I just... didn't want to spring it on him. And honestly I didn't even think about it till just now. So." Harry tries to sound reasonable.

"Alright. Well it's not my business to be meddling in." Miguel pulls a bag of weed out of his dresser drawer. "Just keep all four grams. I'm getting some more tomorrow anyway."

"Awesome. Thanks a ton." Harry shoves the bag into his briefs.

"Classy." Miguel rolls his eyes. "Don't get caught with it in your system before starting a new job."

Harry smirks. "I'll be responsible, I promise."

Miguel gives him a clap on the shoulder. "Right. Let's go before your boyfriend takes your balls tonight too."

"He takes them every night regardless of what filth I bring into the house." Harry says suggestively, mirroring Selena's words from earlier.

Miguel instantly retracts his hand and scrunches his nose. "Mio Dios! Nasty!"

Harry just cackles and they go back out to the dining room. When Harry sees Louis' face though, he does feel bad. There's a hint of the look he gets in his eye when a thread of trust has been broken.

Harry sighs. He should address that sooner rather than later.

For now, though, they finish packing up the moving truck. Harry is, overall, surprised at how much _stuff_ he has.

They talked about it on the drive to Arizona, and though Louis wasn't happy with Harry wanting to set his things up in the spare bedroom, Harry insisted anyway, under the pretense that they'd still sleep together most nights anyway. He just had to explain that he still needed to feel like he has his own space and needed to take his time blending their lives together.

Living together is a huge step in Harry's opinion. Hell, he's never done it before. Living with Niall through college doesn't even come _close_ to comparing to living with Louis. In every way, Harry knows it will be different.

The last month and a half that Harry's been living with Louis- he is reasonable enough to admit- has been kind of a dream. The real hardships will come when they're both working and Louis has to go out of town for a week at a time every month.

Harry has faith though. Louis is, if not anything else, dead set on what he wants. And what he wants is Harry to be around. Louis is also the one with more relationship experience. Albeit fucked up relationship experience- Louis was still right in his point that he knows what commitment means. Hell, Louis lived in a foreign country for a year with Zayn. Harry couldn't imagine ever doing that with anyone he's dated. Except for Louis of course.

So yeah. Harry has a lot of faith in Louis and lets himself rely a lot on Louis. He puts more trust in him because he realizes they're navigating these waters together.

They're on the way to Harry's mom's for dinner, when Louis speaks up.

"So." He says like he intends to figure out what Harry's hiding.

Harry shifts his groin to where he is actually physically hiding the bag of weed. "Louis, can we talk about it later? Please?"

"Is that how this works? Our roles are reversing now?" His tone is somewhere between anger and amusement and Harry is bothered that he can't quite decipher which it is.

"Let's just get through dinner, okay?" Harry says, avoiding the situation altogether.

Louis doesn't push him though and Harry wonders if it's in part due to the fact that Louis knows what it's like to be pushed to talk and to be allowed the space for when he feels the time is right.

They get to his mom's though and the three of them have dinner and as the night goes on, Harry just. He feels worse about it. He really should have fucking thought this through.

Somewhere between 'these Brussels sprouts are delicious' (a bold faced lie on Louis' part) and 'pass the salt please', it hits Harry that he is a big, fat hypocrite. It has something to do with being around his mom and being hyper aware of the double standards she points out all through dinner.

It's _not_ like it's a big deal- or at least it's not in Harry's mind- but the principle is surely the same. Why does Harry have a right to fuck off and buy whatever drugs he wants without consulting Louis? He would flip an absolute bitch if Louis went and bought ecstasy without first talking to Harry. They're a team now. A unit. A relationship. They need to run things by each other.

He excuses himself after dessert to splash some water on his face. They're driving back to Phoenix tonight and staying in a hotel and Harry doesn't know the right time to bring it up.

When he goes back out to where Louis and his mom are comfortably conversing, his mom addresses him. "Haz, why don't you show Louis your bedroom? Don't worry, I cleaned up all your dirty socks before you came back."

She asks, completely unaware of Louis paling beside her. Harry is quite taken aback by the look in all honesty.

"That's okay, we really need to be getting back to Phoenix." Louis says a little shaken.

Harry wants to object because he wants to show Louis all parts of his life. He does. He would want to see Louis' childhood bedroom.

Harry wishes he wasn't so perceptive. Wishes he could easily brush by the pleading look in Louis' still posture with ignorance. But Louis honestly means too much to him to do that. He imagines today has already been draining enough for him though.

"Yeah." He says, deflated. "We should get going."

"Alright then." Anne says suspiciously. "Come back and visit often then. And let me know how that job of yours goes."

"Will do." Harry walks over to hug her. "Love you mom."

"Love you too sweetie." She kisses him on the cheek then gives Louis a side hug. "Louis, it's good to see you again. Travel safely."

"Thank you so much for dinner." Louis smiles thinly.

They get back into the moving van and Louis breathes out a sigh of relief. "I think we can consider it a victory that I didn't barf all over the appetizer."

"I was really proud of you." Harry gives him a small smile.

Louis starts the car and they start driving towards Phoenix.

"Louis?"

"Harry?"

"Why didn't you want to see my room?" He asks.

Louis bites at the inside of his cheek for a minute. "If I tell you, then you have to tell me."

Harry nods. It's a completely fair trade.

"I'm still..." Louis starts, then pauses for a long time.

All there is to be heard is the sound of rubber against road. The blinker as they turn. Something shifting around in the back of the truck. Harry keeps his gaze fixed on Louis.

They're well onto the freeway when Louis decides to finish his thought. "I'm still processing the Niall thing. I didn't want a visual to go with it."

Harry feels a bit like he's been punched in the chest. "Lou that was- that was like, seven months ago. I don't even-"

Honestly it didn't even take Harry that long to process the fact that Louis slept with Zayn while they were more or less together.

Possibly because he saw it coming considering how god damn much Louis always spoke of Zayn. Or rather- how much he didn't. Zayn was kind of always there though. Always somewhat of an unresolved ghost that floated around Louis' house. Floated between their relationship. Harry thinks that Louis getting it out of his system was probably the best thing for Louis in the long run.

"It's different for you than it was for me." Louis says.

Harry wants to immediately interject, because he felt substantially hurt by the whole thing when it happened too. Just because Harry was willing to forgive Louis and move passed it, didn't mean it didn't still hurt him.

He decides on speaking up anyway. "It hurt for me too, you know? It's not like it didn't even phase me that you were sharing that part of you with someone else after I thought-"

Harry doesn't even bother finishing. He knew he shouldn't have spoken to begin with. Now he just sounds like an idiot. This, of course, all being aside from the fact that Harry has no right to feel upset about it since he did the exact same thing to Louis.

"I'm just saying it hurt me too. I loved you back, you know." Harry decides on saying instead.

Louis just focuses his eyes on the road. "That's not what I'm talking about."

"What are you talking about then?" Harry asks, rhetorically.

"It was different because we processed it differently. I'm not saying you weren't hurt. I know you were. I tried hurting you. I-" Louis bites his lip, "I was still high when you came over. I lied to you about that much."

"I mean, I figured as much. But I still don't know what that has to do with this." Harry fiddles with his fingers, trying not to go back to the day when Louis broke his heart.

"It has everything to do with it. I was high when you told me you slept with Niall, and I was on some form of substance nearly every day after that. For months." Louis explains.

Harry stays silent.

Louis drums his fingers on the wheel. "I only really started having to deal with reality when you showed up at my house. But at that point I was too busy sorting through what reality even was. Then it was dealing with the imbroglio that was our relationship. And, other than that morning on the hillside, I haven't thought much on the Niall shit because I've been too busy processing everything else."

Well that makes sense.

"But you... you asked for all the details though. That morning. You wanted to know everything." Harry furrows his eyebrows.

"Yeah because I didn't even know the first thing about the situation. I didn't know how I felt about it." Louis admits. "After that morning, I decided I was really hurt by the whole ordeal. Which, I get that I might not even have a right to feel that way since I did the same thing to you. But I was still hurt. I _am_ still hurt."

"No, it's okay. It's fine." Harry immediately says. "I guess you're right. I've kind of had an extra five months to process everything."

Louis just nods.

It's silent again.

Then Harry remembers something.

"That morning, you accused me of lying. Right as we were getting into the car." Harry says.

"Yeah because you were." Louis scoffs.

"No I wasn't!" Harry defends.

"You didn't tell me that you got in a fight with Zayn." Louis grits out.

"There was no way for you to know I was lying about that!" Harry says like it's supposed to mean something.

"So that makes it okay!" Louis exclaims sarcastically. "Fucking great."

"I was doing what I thought was best for you at the time, okay? And I didn't think while you were still half starved to death and half-crazy was a good time to say 'yeah, hey, I kind of ran into your ex-boyfriend and tried beating the shit out of him.' So fucking excuse me for making the wrong judgement call." Harry seethes.

"I just don't want you lying to me." Louis says, calm as ever, like he hadn't been raising his voice a moment ago.

Harry props his elbow on the window and leans his head into his hand. "How did you know I was lying anyway?"

"Harry, I was around you almost every day for three months. I picked up on a thing or two." Louis grumbles.

Harry sighs, defeated. He really is stupid for always underestimating Louis. Or what their relationship meant. Harry forgets that while he still had plenty of distractions of working and school and friends and polo practice, Louis' sole focus during those months were Harry and his job. Louis excels at what he focuses on, and he certainly excels in understanding Harry.

Well, most of the time anyway.

When Harry proclaimed his love a dozen times and Louis still asked 'why', Harry wants to pound his head against a wall because that's basically the simplest thing to understand. At least it is in Harry's mind.

"Your turn." Louis says when he realizes Harry doesn't have anything else to say.

Harry runs his hands through his hair a couple times. Right.

"Well I want to start off by saying I'm sorry. I really didn't think it through and I feel like an inconsiderate asshole. I wasn't thinking of us, I was thinking of myself, so I'm really sorry." Harry grips at his roots a little bit.

Growing pains.

Louis spares him a glance with raised eyebrows. "What exactly did you do?"

"I- uh-" Harry reaches into his pants.

"Jesus Harold. We'll be back at the hotel in a half hour. Can we wait till tomorrow before attempting road head?" Louis double and triple takes what Harry is doing.

Then Harry pulls the bag of weed out on his lap.

Louis fixates on it for a half a second before looking back to the road. "Oh."

"Yeah." Harry feels his heart lurch up his throat. Rambling seems like the best thing to do. "Like I said, I'm sorry. I really am- I just like, wasn't thinking because I'm used to just living by myself and whatever and was just thinking I should get some before we leave the state since I don't know anyone there and don't want to get us arrested and it's not like I'm going to smoke it anytime soon since I have to start applying for jobs and _God_ , not that I'll even use it- I can throw it out the window right now because I didn't even ask about how you felt about any of this since I'm an idiotic hypocrite because if the situation was reversed-"

"Haz." Louis cuts him off.

"Yeah?" Harry didn't realize he had sweat rolling down the side of his face.

"You realize we can legally buy weed in California?" Louis says.

Oh. _Oh_.

"Um. Yeah. I forgot about that." Harry scratches his head. "You're not mad?"

Louis shrugs. "I'm the one with the drug problem, not you."

Harry blinks.

Then he rambles again. "I don't think it's really fair to call it a problem honestly. Like you actually know how to manage yourself and your life- aside from like, the hallucinations thing. But still."

"Are you trying to justify my actions for your sake or mine?" Louis has a small smile tugging at his lips.

Harry doesn't say anything.

"You play your cards out way in the open Hazzaboo. I trust you to manage yourself too. You're the one who stopped yourself from smoking when it conflicted with other things you wanted in life. I'm not worried as long as you have your priorities straight." Louis says simply.

Harry's a little speechless. Louis just. It so odd. There's parts of Louis that act 16 and other parts that act 26. Parts that treat Harry like he's 16 too or 26 right alongside Louis.

"Just stop fucking lying to me." Louis tacks on demandingly for good measure.

"Okay." Harry says, at a loss for words

"Anything else you'd like to come clean about while we're on the topic?" Louis asks very maturely.

"Um..." Harry gives it some good thought. "No?"

"Good then." Louis finishes the conversation.

Harry stares in silence the rest of the way to the hotel.

~~~


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: Hope you guys are having a good week! Thank you for all the kind comments, kudos, bookmarks, and recommending this story to others. You are all amazing!!

Twitter: [@LemonSuccubus](http://www.twitter.com/lemonsuccubus)

:)

~~~   
  
"Fuck, Louis!" Harry clenches his eyes shut and grips into Louis' hair.

Louis slides off Harry's cock with a small pop. "Shh babe, I'm not even to the good part yet." His mouth promptly returns to its previous action and he takes Harry as deep as he can go.

Harry's back arches up off the motel bed. "I can't think when you keep fucking teasing."

Louis pulls off again, but this time sits back on his haunches and raises an eyebrow. "Are you complaining?"

Harry's eyes widen. "No."

"Turn around." Louis' eyes darken.

God. Harry isn't prepared for this tonight. He _knows_ Louis isn't ready to fuck him yet. He _knows_ Louis is going to edge him as long as possible now. He's already almost come once just from Louis giving him head for the 10 minutes he's already been going at it.

Harry does as Louis says though. He gets on all fours and presents his ass to Louis. He grips into the pillow and prepares himself. Louis smoothes his hands up and down the length Harry's back, then when he gets to Harry's ass, he slaps down with his hand.

"Fuck! Lou-" Harry bites his lip. That. He was not expecting.

"I love watching your ass when I spank it. Did you know that?" Louis follows up with another harsh slap.

"Ah-!" Harry feels tears already pricking his eyes. "No- didn't know."

"Love it." Louis mumbles, and Harry feels the last word vibrating into his skin.

Then there's Louis' tongue all over Harry's rim and Harry shoves his face into the cheap excuse-of-a-pillow to groan. Louis gives rim jobs like he does most everything else in his life. That is, impulsively and all instinct with everything he's got.

So when Louis' tongue circles around, then pushes passed his rim, only to pull out and give long licks again, Harry knows it has nothing to do with any kind of method other than fuck with Harry's brain.

And his dick.

Which. Louis reaches a hand around and grips the base of it to take away any temptation Harry may have felt to start getting himself to climax again.

" _Louis_ please-" Harry's going _crazy_ with all the sensation build up without any release.

"Hmm." Louis hums against his rim, eliciting a moan from Harry. "No." Then immediately lands a harsh spank that makes Harry cry out.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck-" Harry feels a tear smother into the pillow as his face slides across it.

Then Louis is off the bed and Harry turns around because why the hell isn't Louis touching him? But- oh. Right. Louis hasn't even taken off his clothes yet.

So Harry sits up and idly strokes his cock with one hand and lets his fingers circle around his rim because he needs to keep the buildup. His ass still stings from where Louis spanked him. There's a phantom emptiness where Louis' tongue was. The absence of it is only painful.

Louis hops around, trying to release himself from his jeans. "God damn it."

Harry concurs and teases at his rim. "Hurry Lou. Please."

Louis falls to the ground, foot catching in the phone charger cord and yanking it off the nightstand table- along with the old 90's digital clock that had its cord entwined with the phone's- then pulling off the lamp too, as the weight of the other two items along with the torque yank it down by its cord.

Harry bursts out into laughter and Louis is still on his ass trying to wrestle his way out of his jeans.

"Fucking hell. That's the last time I wear these fucking jeans. I think I'm getting fat." The pants are inside out by now and with one last harsh tug, Louis gets it over his foot.

"You look amazing love." Harry giggles, removing his hands from himself, plopping down on his butt, and leaning back on the bed. "I love your body. Particularly your lower half."

"Yeah well my cock isn't the part that's getting fat." Louis tosses the jeans to the other side of the room, disregarding the broken lightbulb on the lamp and retreating back to the bed to straddle Harry.

"Maybe I can help with that then." Harry wraps a hand around Louis' cock and leans in to suck on his nipple.

Louis attaches his mouth to Harry's neck and works on marking it up. Harry doesn't bother trying to stop him because it's the 21st century and there's a beautiful invention called make up that he can utilize.

Harry switches to Louis' other nipples and bites at it- making sure to leave a small hickey for him there. Deciding that he wants to move on to greener pastures now that Louis is naked, he manhandles Louis to lay down sideways with him so they're face to face.

He looks Louis dead in the eye when he takes his fingers into his mouth and sucks on them.

"Whatcha doin' Haz?" Louis whispers lowly.

"Sucking on my fingers." Harry smirks.

Louis copies Harry and sticks two of his own fingers in his mouth, getting them quickly slicked, then shoves them through Harry's thighs and into where his rim is still wet from Louis' tongue. And Louis maybe has to shimmy down the mattress just a little bit to reach better; so Harry just smiles to himself because he is terribly endeared.

Well. Endeared and turned on.

Harry bites down on his own fingers and welcomes the pushing and prodding from Louis. When he manages to relax enough for Louis' fingers to press as far in as they'll go, Harry pulls his own out of his mouth and weasels them down between Louis' legs.

"Open up." Harry taps at his thigh.

Louis' eyes flick up to meet his and he props his leg up so Harry can reach. He slides his fingers back until he finds Louis' rim, then slowly pushes up and in. Louis' hands stop what they're doing while he adjusts to Harry, and Harry decides to duck down and give him a kiss.

It's a soft kiss and Harry really takes the time to appreciate the feeling of being able to simply touch and kiss each other. He feels- wonderfully connected to Louis. He feels loved and in love. He feels happy.

And Harry will admit, it's an odd feeling to have while they're both fingering each other side by side in a cheap Motel 6 twin bed, but he feels it all the same; and the way Louis' movements are on the gentle end of passionate clues Harry into knowing that Louis feels the same.

It's just different with Louis. Harry hasn't ever had sex with people he loves. Not like Louis. It's hard to believe that what he even had with other people could be considered sex because it wasn't anything close to what this feels like.

So they kiss and suck on each other's lips and tongues as their fingers work in and out of each other; Harry sometimes bringing his out to give Louis' balls a soft tug then to lightly drag his nails up and down Louis' shaft, then back inside him again.

Louis gives three quick nips in succession to Harry's bottom lip. "Love you."

Harry feels like Louis has possibly spanked him again because he feels tears prick at his eyes again. And that's another thing too. He just- he didn't know that he could ever cry because he loved someone so much. This feels like the last time they had sex in Louis' massage room and that thought is just kind of monumental to Harry.

"Love you too." Harry gives Louis a peck to the lips, loving how they're shiny and glistening with their mixed saliva.

There's a moment where they look at each other and Harry manages to convey that he thinks he's feeling like he needs to be taken care of and Louis lets him know he can give that to him.

So Louis gets off the bed to grab the lube and coats himself in it. "Are you stretched enough?"

Harry nods feebly and lies on his back.

Louis gently pushes his fingers in one more time for good measure, scissoring him open so his muscles stretch more easily. He withdraws his fingers just moments later and then slowly eases his cock in.

Harry breathes steadily, closing his eyes and feeling much more relaxed than he thinks is normal for sex. Louis takes it slow though, and Harry's grateful for it. It just feels nice. Really nice.

Louis leans down to get closer to Harry's face and the angle changes, making Harry's lips part open in a silent moan. Louis fucks him slowly but very surely and Harry revels in the in and out and in and out rhythm of Louis pushing and pulling.

Louis keeps his cheek close to Harry's but doesn't try kissing him which is convenient for Harry in the end because his face is seven shades of blissed and any muscle movements would just be too much to focus on.

Harry's outer quads start cramping a bit and he tries lessening the extent to which his legs are spread to compensate for stretching. He squeezes the insides of his thighs against Louis' hips which simultaneously gives his quads the stretch that they need, but also changing the angle in which Louis thrusts into him.

Louis pants from above him and Harry squeezes a little harder because he like how his whole body moves with Louis' movements now. He wraps his arms around Louis' back to sort of hug him too and he just feels immeasurably meshed into him. It's definitely the most wonderful thing in the world.

"Hazza-" Louis whispers in his ear.

"Yeah. Yeah, go." Harry spreads his legs again to make it easier for Louis and lets both hands wrap around the bottoms of Louis' ass cheeks. He loves feeling the way they flex and loosen as he thrusts.

Louis' hips snap a little quicker and more frantically until Harry feels him become completely more sporadic. Harry grips into his ass to pull him in deep and Louis comes with a groan and empties himself in Harry.

Harry pets his ass because he really loves it, and then Louis sits back on his haunches, lifting Harry's hips with him so that he's still inside of Harry.

His hands deftly move down to Harry's cock and then it's strong and practiced hands that jerk Harry off. And God, Harry probably is only going out with Louis because of his hands. His masseuse hands that make everything else seem so inferior and sad. Louis knows Harry's cock like he knows the strength of his own hands; and the combo makes Harry's heart double in speed and hurtle him towards his climax.

"Lou- yeah." Harry chases the feeling, letting the heat rush and pool to his groin until finally. Finally. It's the feeling of perfect bliss as he comes in Louis' hands.

Louis rubs his thighs softly for a minute as Harry takes his time coming down from the high. Louis leaves the bed, then is back quickly with a handful of toilet paper to clean off Harry.

When they're both deemed clean enough, Harry pulls Louis into his chest and spoons him on the twin bed that they barely fit on.

They fall asleep.

~~~

When Harry wakes up, it's cold and dark. He panics, patting his hands around the bed because he's missing something. He's missing a Louis.

He sits straight up and notes Louis' jeans still shed on the floor by the broken lightbulb. The bathroom door is open, but black. The window sill is vacant.

"Louis." Harry whispers harshly.

"Hmm?" Comes the muted reply.

"Where are you?" Harry furrows his eyebrows at the blackness.

"Floor." Louis mumbles.

He's not on the side of discarded pants and broken light. So Harry looks to the floor between the bed and the window where Louis is staring at the ceiling with nothing but a pillow and a small blanket thrown over him. "Why are you on the floor?"

"I stopped trying to sleep on the bed after you pushed me off." Louis says.

"I didn't push you off!" Harry loudly whispers, affronted.

"Yep. You did actually." Louis rolls onto his side and looks up at Harry. "Four times."

"...oh..." Harry pouts. "I'm sorry."

"'S fine." Louis yawns. "I've made peace with all the cockroaches down here, so they're leaving me be."

"Oh my God!" Harry leans over and immediately yanks Louis from the floor. "Get up here." He looks Louis up and down to make sure there aren't any straggler bugs that will make their way into the bed.

"They come in three minute intervals. The last one I saw was two minutes ago, so I assure you I don't have any on me." Louis says, now on top of Harry's chest.

Harry makes a gagging face and tries to disregard the information. "What time is it anyway?"

"About half passed four. We're due to be up in an hour anyway." Louis yawns again.

"How long have you been up?" Harry gently scratches Louis' back.

"Mmm, couple hours I think." Louis says.

"Well here, how about you fall asleep on me. Then you can get some sleep before we have to leave." Harry pulls the crinkly duvet over them both.

"Already tried that." Louis gives him a peck to his shoulder. "I get pushed off the bed even faster."

"I'm sorry babe." Harry hugs him.

"S' alright." Louis mumbles.

It's silent.

Well, mostly silent. Harry thinks he can hear the cockroach walking about just in time for its three minute interval.

"Hey." Harry leans his neck back to get a look at Louis.

"Hmm?" Louis hums.

"Let me show you something." Harry sits up, taking Louis with him.

"Harold, I've been well acquainted with your penis for almost a year now." Louis' voice cracks near then end of his sentence.

"Your sass loses effectiveness this early in the morning." Harry teases.

Louis throws his pillow at Harry's face with half the effort he normally would. "What are you showing me then?"

Harry chuckles and pushes the pillow off his face. "Get dressed."

"We're leaving?" Louis picks up his pants that are still on the floor from last night.

"Yep." Harry stretches, then goes closer to where the door is since Louis tore his clothes off before the door was even shut.

"I still have dried come on me." Louis states, pulling his shirt over his head.

"Perfect." Harry grins. "No use in showering since we'll be on the road for another 10 hours anyway."

Louis shrugs. "Alright. Just don't break up with me because I have low hygiene standards."

Harry snorts. He wants to point out that he would have broken up with Louis long ago if he had any gripes with that. But it's too early in the morning, and Harry doesn't really want to ruin the mood with petty insults.

So instead, he says, "No. Love you too much to ever do that."

Since Louis is finished getting dressed, he comes over and hugs Harry while his shirt is halfway over his head. Harry lets it hang around his neck, instead letting his arms wrap around Louis' waist.

Louis just hugs him. A soft hug with no ulterior motive. Louis gives his neck a small nuzzle and Harry lets his hair tickle his nose.

Then he lets go and leaves to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Harry smiles to himself as he finishes getting dressed.

The checkout takes seconds since they're the only ones in the lobby at the hour. Then they pile into the moving truck, Louis blinking some eye drops in to clear out his eyes before driving again, and Harry tells him which direction to go.

They drive for 20 minutes until the city lights fade out behind him. The silhouette of cacti follow them around the bends and curves of the road as they leave the rest of civilization behind and drive into the hills.

"It's just up here on the right." Harry says softly into the silence of the car driving through the night.

Around another bend and the lights of the tower glow through the otherwise black scenery.

"Wow. Estrella tower?" Louis asks, seeing the sign on the side of the road and pulling into the parking lot.

"Yep." Harry pulls on his coat.

Louis follows suit and he gets out of the truck. They're the only ones in the parking lot for now. Harry knows there may be another person or two that show up for sunrise.

Louis attaches to Harry's side like a magnet, but stares at the tower that's shining in front of them. Harry tucks his hand in Louis' jacket pocket so they can hold hands. They meander through the bridges, dried streams, and xeriscaped serenity of the dimly lit pathway.

The sound of water catches Louis' ears and he looks around to see where it's coming from. They're almost there, so Harry doesn't say anything about it.

He can feel when Louis catches sight of the sign because he quickens his pace. Harry smiles to himself and lets Louis drag him up to the sign that's backlit.

Louis pauses far enough away to comfortably read the inscription on the metal. "The Estrella Star Tower is a tribute to the many stargazing cultures. The 50-foot spiral configuration was designed to resemble the Milky Way." He turns to Harry. "It's a stargazing tower?"

Harry nods. "Indeed."

Louis stares up at the tower. "It's really... beautiful."

He lets Louis take his time. Even though they're only at the base of the tower, the landscaping is immaculate and the low lighting from the tower makes the bushes and trees and cacti look like they're trying to hide in the shadows.

Louis squeezes Harry's hand and then they set up the spiral staircase. Louis walks slowly, looking at the wall of the tower as they climb. As the rushing water gets louder, Louis looks over the edge that faces the road to see a man-made waterfall that's lit up.

He doesn't say anything. Only stares at it for a long minute. He completely disregards Harry, but Harry wouldn't have it any other way. He doesn't think he's ever seen Louis so fascinated by something before and it's wonderful to watch him silently marvel at the sights.

Then Louis pulls him forward again and they make their way up to the top of the spiral staircase. It's windy at the top and they both pull their hoods over their heads.

Louis releases Harry's hand to circle about the top of the tower three times before joining Harry at the apex of the top that is closest to the mountain. The city lights show faintly in the distance to the right, and the blackness of the small canyon to the left acts as a stark contrast.

Louis doesn't say anything. Doesn't have to.

It's black until it's not and the sun rises.

Louis holds his hand and Harry hugs him.

~~~


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: Thanks for sticking in here with me guys :) I've been focusing most of my time on getting The Forgotten Habitat as well as Fading Zen published for you guys! Thank you for the constant support and stay tuned for a book giveaway in the near future :)

-Dannie Ybarra                  

~~~

Harry is pissing on a cactus when his phone vibrates against his butt.

He lifts an eyebrow, looking around at the expansive afternoon desert around him and checks the highway to double check that no one will be driving by any time soon. 

Louis still sits in the driver's side of the moving van that's pulled off to the side of the road.  He's bobbing his head and his mouth is singing along to something on the radio that they've heard nine times already.

He shrugs to himself and pulls out his phone to see a number with a foreign area code calling him.  He assumes it's a telemarketer.  But he's pissing on a cactus in the desert between Arizona and California and why not answer a random phone number?

With one hand on his penis and the other holding his phone to his ear, he goes for a thick Spanish accent.  "Eh, hello?"

 _"Oh, hello.  This is the Executive Producer's assistant, Teneal Spacklan for the show Bhakti Body.  I'm looking for Harry Styles?"_ The female voice on the other end says.

Oh shit.  Harry tries to finish peeing quickly and drops the accent.  "Yes!  Yes, this is him."

_"Great.  I was just calling because we've reviewed your resume and I would like to conduct an over-the-phone interview.  Do you have a couple of minutes?"_

"Of course!"  Harry flicks his dick then tucks himself away and zips up his fly.

_"Perfect.  Now, it says here you're recently graduated in Anthropology with an emphasis on Indian culture; minor in Journalism, is that correct?"_

"Yes ma'am."  Harry paces back and forth on the gravel.

_"And it says you physically spent six months in India?"_

"That's correct."  Harry trips a little since he's just in his slippers.

_"Can you tell me which cities you spent the most time in?"_

"Yeah of course-" Harry's head snaps behind him when he hears Louis knocking on the window from inside the truck.  Harry holds a finger up to signal he'll be a minute since he's on the phone.  Louis pouts.  Harry ignores him.  "So I spent most of my time in northern India.  I was in Kashmir for a while and then when I got to Manali I headed closer to the border and just kind of traveled downward that way.  Spent some time in Siddharthanagar for a couple days then traveled through all the cities and towns along the coast until I reached Chennai."

_"That's excellent Harry.  I know you were a referral, so are you aware of what we're doing with our television show?"_

"Um, not really."  Harry turns to look at Louis again who has squished his face against the window.  Harry stifles a snort and bout of laughter.

_"Well it's your typical boy meets girl plot line.  Only, the setting is Kashmir in the 19th century.  Boy gets involved with the First Anglo-Sikh War.  You know how it goes."_

He doesn't, actually, since he didn't study plotlines for television series in college, but he gets the gist.  The Sikh War he knows a lot about.  19th century India?  Yeah, he feels good about it.  He'll just need to freshen up everything with his textbooks.

"Okay perfect."  Harry says, waiting for whatever else she has to tell him.

_"We are specifically interested in hiring you because of your professional and personal experience with the precise territory in which the film will be set in.  We are looking to keep it low budget.  Will that be an issue for you?"_

Harry's eye twitches.  What does that even mean?  "Well, I don't know if it's too presumptuous to ask what the payment range is... but what do you mean by low budget?"

Hell, Harry's heard professors go on about this and that on potential salary options and career paths.  But now that it's staring him in the face, he's not really sure what any of it means in context.

_"For you, we would start you in the fifty range."_

Harry stares at the cactus he just pissed on.  "Excuse me?"

"As I said, we are looking to keep it low budget.  And specifically because you only have your Bachelors, you unfortunately don't meet the requirements for the next bracket that our typical Historians would fall into."

"Fifty, like... fifty dollars?"  Harry clarifies, because God, he knew he was going to be underpaid.  But that kind of stings.

_"No sir.  Fifty thousand.  You come with a high referral and experience that could be negotiated no higher than fifty-three thousand."_

Harry might puke blood.  Maybe it's the heat getting to him.  He literally has just graduated college.  He was getting paid nine dollars an hour at his last job.  Harry doesn't currently have enough money in his checking account to go buy a bundle of juicing carrots.

He clears his throat.  "And how long exactly does this go on for?"

_"We have a nine month filming contract with HBO.  Assuming we are successful enough for a second season, we will raise the budget and either hire someone with better credentials or negotiate for you to continue in your education."_

Fifty-thousand dollars.  Nine months.  HBO.  Paid education.  Fifty-thousand dollars.

"Um.  Yes."  Is the only thing Harry can manage.

_"There is one more thing Mr. Styles.  We need our historical consultant to commit to traveling with us.  The majority of the filming will be in Cleveland National Park, however we will be flying the crew out to Kashmir for a month to do filming that can only be accomplished there."_

"Yeah that's fine."  Harry's brain is in a daze. 

_"Excellent.  I'll text you the office address and time that I would like you to come to tomorrow.  You can meet the producer, screenwriter, and cinematographer.  We'll be having an overview and orientation."_

"Great."  Harry sits down on the ground Indian-style and stares into the desert.  He hears the truck door open behind him.

_"We welcome you on board and welcome you to the team Mr. Styles.  We'll see you tomorrow."_

"Have a good one."  Harry says.

_"You too.  Buh-bye."_

Harry hangs up. 

He hears the gravel crunch behind him.

"Babe, are you okay?"  Louis sits beside him.

"I..."  Harry rubs his eyes.  "I think I just got a job."

"Good job!  I knew you could do it."  Louis nips his shoulder.  "Now you can be around all your crazy Hindi loving people all day."

Harry stares into the flat distance.  There's some rocks.  Some cacti.  Some sagebrush.  "The series... it's gonna be on HBO."

"No shit?"  Louis says, truly dumbfounded.  "How long are you going to be filming for?"

"Nine months."  Harry recites.

"Here, right?  Or is in L.A.?"  Louis asks.

"No.  A place called Cleveland National Park?"  Harry didn't realize he has no idea where it is until repeating the information.  Fuck, what if he just accepted a job in like, Oregon or Washington?  Fuck.

"Oh!  That's less than an hour from our house."  Louis says delightedly.

'Our house.'

Fuck.

"Lou, can we- can we talk about this later?  I'm just really tired."  Harry gets up and walks over to the truck.

"Hazza, wait."  Louis reaches out to grab his arm.  "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong is that too many things are right.  This doesn't make sense!"  Harry huffs to himself.

Louis furrows his eyebrows.  "What are you talking about?"

"Do you know what my life was like two months ago?"  Harry demands from Louis.

Louis looks severely affronted, but doesn't make any move to answer the question.

"I was quitting my nearly minimum wage job and graduating college- fucking miserable and lost and without anything to be remotely excited for.  And now it's... it's just too much."  Harry opens the door and climbs up into the truck.

Louis climbs on the foot stand and rests his forearms across Harry's lap.  "What's too much?  Am I too much?"  He immediately sounds worried.

"No."  Harry closes his eyes and leans his head back.  His hands in his lap play with Louis' fingers and it helps calm him down.  "Just.  Things are different now."

Louis shifts around a bit.  "You know this is odd because I usually don't have to push for information.  But I still have no idea what you're talking about."

Harry looks Louis straight in the eye.  "I just got offered a job for possibly fifty-three-fucking-thousand dollars for my first job out of college _without_ a Masters.  I live in a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood with a xeriscaped yard with my beautiful boyfriend.  I _live_ with said boyfriend who is better than anything I ever could have imagined finding in life.   He, coincidentally, is well-to-do for himself and his career and like, what did I do to deserve this?  This isn't my life.  I feel like I've just jumped into someone else's."

"Babe, you deserve this."  Louis says surely.  "You do.  You worked so fucking hard for this.  This is what it's like on the other side of school.  It's all you've known for- fuck- 18 years; is school.  Now is when you get to be free of it and get paid to do what you love.  So yeah, it's going to be different.  But you worked for it and, I promise, you deserve it."

Harry doesn't say anything because honestly, no one- no thing- prepared him for post graduate life.  He never realized it would freak him out so much or that it would even be an issue.  But without school, all there is to do is work. 

Which Harry is fine with. 

Except possibly graduate school- which they mentioned is a possibility.  And if Harry could stay on with them and get other jobs like that- why the hell wouldn't he seize the opportunity? 

Also, the idea of going back to school makes things less scary to him.  He could just think of it as a nine-month break before graduate school. 

Louis breaks the silence.  "Plus, we live in Cali, Haz.  Fifty-thousand honestly isn't that much.  Like, in Arizona that would be equivalent to maybe thirty-thousand.  So don't get too freaked out." 

And okay.  Harry can think of it in terms of that.  It's comforting.  Harry can accept a job of that caliber.  He feels more deserving of it.

He nods lightly.  "Thank you."

"Ready to get going then?"  Louis asks.

He nods again.

Louis rubs his leg once before opting out of the adult path of walking around to his side of the truck, and instead, climbing over top of Harry to reach the driver's seat. 

Harry chuckles and gives his ass a good pinch on his way over. 

Louis turns the car back on, Bombay Bicycle Club blaring, and Louis singing along to every line.

~~~

When they arrived back at their house later that night, Harry couldn't stand still.  Louis had to go to sleep since he works in the morning, but Harry has been moving his things into the house all night.

Louis can sleep through anything, so it's just been Harry and his thoughts and the warm California summer night that keeps Harry company as he moves boxes into the house.

He gets stuck though when all the boxes and small furniture have been moved in and it's just his bed frame left.  He manages to get some of the smaller assembly pieces in the house, but the rest is too large and precarious to do without someone else.

So the front door of the house sits open, and Harry sits on the curbside next to the open moving van to just stare at their quiet street for a while. 

He tries to process that he's living here now.  That he lives with Louis.  Permanently.  They probably won't go back to Arizona.

He thinks about how much wasted time he's had in his life.  He regrets- wishes- that everything in life could have better prepared him for where he's at now.  For knowing how to be a good partner and lover to Louis.  For knowing how to contribute responsibilities of being an adult without having his mom to fall back on.  For knowing how to settle down and stay put.

Except there's really nothing that could have prepared him for any of this though.  A year ago, he had no idea he would ever meet someone like Louis.  He didn't realize he'd be out of school and accepting jobs and not playing water polo anymore.  He didn't think he'd be settling into permanence with someone. 

Nothing could have prepared him for those things.  Harry has to figure this out day by day.  And he's good at doing that.  He was excellent at traveling because of it.  The only difference is, he's figuring out day by day things with the end result of predictability rather than to get to the next checkpoint and start over again.

He looks at Louis, who is 26 and doing so well for himself.  Harry feels so far from that.  He feels like there's nothing that will bridge the gap of Harry's ineptitude to be at a place like Louis.

The idea and thoughts of being a freelance traveling journalist were much easier to cope with.  And maybe, for the first time, it's because Harry realizes that there isn't a way to measure failure by doing that.  Or at least it's not as obvious. 

Harry would have only been responsible for himself.  His fuck ups would be _his_ fuck ups.  But this job is more measurable. 

It's something that he has to succeed at.  And after the contract is over, he has to find something as good as or better than it.  That kind of responsibility makes him shudder.  People will be able to see Harry's ineptitude.  They'll see his failures.

He closes his eyes and buries his face in his hands.  It's just late at night, he thinks.  That's the only reason his brain is spiraling.  He's fine.  Tomorrow he'll go to the meeting and be excited and rejuvenated and it will be better. 

He shuts the van and locks the front door behind him.  He and Louis will finish unpacking tomorrow.  Everything will be fine.

For now, he strips his clothes and crawls into bed next to his boyfriend.  Louis wakes up at the movement and rolls over to place a kiss on Harry's shoulder, then spoon him till he falls asleep.

~~~


	24. Chapter 24

A/N: If you like BDSM, check out my new story, Monopolize Me if you haven't already ;)

Enjoy!

~~~

Harry wakes when Louis gets up.  He doesn't get out of bed since he knows Louis has a good breakfast to eat and a lunch packed for work.  He hears Louis tiptoe back into the room to grab a blazer that he had forgotten earlier.

"Can you give me a hug every morning before you leave?"  Harry startles him.

Louis turns around with a small gasp.  "Jesus, I didn't think you were up."

Harry nods.

Louis puts on his blazer and walks over to sit on the edge of the bed.  "I don't want to wake you up if you don't have to be up."

"I want you to."  Harry says.  "It feels like forever until I'll get to see you again."

Louis chuckles.  "You won't be saying that after you start your job."

"Yes I will."  Harry pouts.

Louis leans down to kiss his cheek and embrace him.  "Love you.  You'll do amazing.  Charm the pants off of them."

Harry gives him a kiss to the mouth.  "I'm taking that as explicit permission to get naked with my coworkers on my first day."

Louis gives him a playful sneer.  "Fine.  Then I'm getting naked with Kara at lunch."

Harry bursts out into laughter.  "Have fun with the wrath of Hayden."

"I'm not scared of her."  Louis says haughtily.

"Of course you're not."  Harry chuckles.

Louis pulls his phone out from his back pocket.  "Kara's out front.  Have a good day babe."

"You too."  Harry kisses him again, and then Louis is out the door.

Harry rolls over and looks at the blank walls that used to have Louis' blood strewn across them.

~~~

The drive to the office address that Teneal had sent him went much too quickly.  He's grateful he was able to drive Louis' car though.  If he had to sit in the back of a taxi, he surely would have gone mad.

So he triple checks that the name of the door matches the name of the company in the email and walks into Studio 78 Productions.

"Harry Styles!"  A lady at the front greets him.

Harry lets an easy smile take over his face.  "Yeah.  Hi.  How're you?"

"Good.  We were expecting you.  I'm Teneal.  Pleasure."  She walks around the desk, leaving the secretary to herself and shakes Harry's hand.

Harry likes her.  She's a little older, but dresses like she belongs on a Hollywood set.  "Good to meet you too."

"Follow me."  Teneal turns on her heel and Harry follows.  "We're just through this door- here."  She opens it to reveal a circular table with a woman and three men sitting around it.  "Everyone, this is Harry Styles, our historical consultant."

One of the older men laughs.  "Good Lord.  How old are you boy?"

Harry tries not to scowl and plays it cool instead.  "I'm 23."

The man bellows out another laugh.  "All these young 'uns and are taking over our industry Mel."

The woman chuckles goodnaturedly along with him.  "And there's a good reason for that Kev.  We need this fresh influx of creativity to keep us at the top of our game."

One of the other men, who looks substantially younger than 'Kev' and is rather handsome speaks up next.  "Welcome aboard.  I'm thrilled to no longer be the youngest crew member anymore.  Prepare for a lot of shit from these old fuckers."

Harry smiles at him.  "Consider me prepared."

The first man stands up to pull up a chair for Harry.  "Good to meet you boy.  I'm Kevin, the producer.  Been in the industry for 48 years."

Holy hell.  48 years.  Harry's been in the industry for... less than 10 minutes.  'The industry.'  Jesus, Harry never even thought he'd end up involved with film.

"I'm Mary, the screenwriter."  The woman gives him a collected smile.  "Started as an actress at 14 and moved to screenwriting after rehab.  Been doing it now for 20 years."

The third man who hasn't said anything yet speaks up.  "I'm Carrie, the cinematographer.  11 years in the industry.

"And I'm Liam, the executive producer."  The handsome one gives him a generous smile.  "Been in the industry for four years, all thanks to Kevin here."  Kevin looks proud of him.  "And I know you've met my assistant, Teneal."  Liam motions to her.

"Here's our filming schedule Harry.  If you can't ever get a hold of Kevin or Liam feel free to contact me any time of day."  She sets a file in front of him.

"Thank you.  It's really good to meet you all."  Harry grins, trying not to feel out of place.

"We're happy to have you."  Kevin says.  "So today, we really just want to collaborate on everything so that you understand what we're trying to accomplish with this series.  You will be the one person who is working with every single member of the crew.  Except Carrie.  Don't bother Carrie."

Carrie gives him a look to let Harry know not to fuck with him.

Harry nods.

"You will hardly see me on set, as I have many other things to attend to.  You will be working closest with Liam, making sure that everything being passed through him is also being passed through you.  Whether it be a change in dialogue, wardrobe, dance move, or setting, we need it to be historically accurate."  Kevin presses.

Harry gives another nod to let him know he's following.

Mary jumps in.  "We've contracted with HBO for Christ's sake.  Last thing we need is another Game of Thrones incident where our historical inaccuracy was broadcasted for the whole damn world to see and George R.R. Martin ripping us new assholes over it."

Liam grimaces.  "'Twas a grim day indeed."

Harry swallows.  These people know George R.R. Martin.  HBO.  Game of Thrones.  He maybe, possibly, is very underqualified for this.

"Didn't you have a consultant for it?"  Harry asks, because God, Game of Thrones was like, a billion-dollar series.

"We had nine full time historians."  Liam recites.  "Nine historians who forgot that the pattens in the shot weren't invented or worn until six years later.  Luckily, it was all written off as negligible since it's a fantasy world after all."

"So how many other consultants are on this project?"  Harry asks, hoping he has a strong team to bounce things off of and learn from.

"It's just you."  Mary says.

Right.

"Teneal should have told you- this _is_ low budget to start since it's an idea we bought off of a college graduate."  Liam says.  "We won't bust your balls too badly if you fuck up though.  We all make mistakes.  We just ask you to do your best."

"I definitely will."  Harry gives a cheesy grin- completely hiding the fact that he's having a meltdown inside.

"Alright."  Mary says.  "So the scene starts in the desert of Kashmir."

~~~

Harry thinks this is what it feels like for his brain to have imploded. 

So when Liam offered to take him out for drinks after, he accepted almost immediately.

Which is why Harry is currently sitting at a bar at 4pm on a Monday.  He tries not to think about the fact that it's not a new thing for him.

"So Harry, you said you're from Arizona?"  Liam asks politely.

"Born and raised."  Harry says, hoping it's a cool enough answer for Liam.

"That's awesome.  I'm from Vegas myself.  Never made it down to Arizona until we did a shoot there."  Liam takes his beer from the bartender and takes a long drink.

"When did you get into the industry by the way?"  There's no way Liam is even over 30 yet, and judging by what Harry has learned of Liam's track record, it would seem he has a great deal of seniority already.

"Film is what saved me really.  It's a bit of a story, but I won't put you through that."  Liam chuckles to himself.  "I was 22 though and needed some direction in my life after a long rough patch.  So I finally decided to follow my own dreams instead of chasing after other people and met Kevin one night when I was servicing his table at a club.  It was all downhill from there really."

"You said you've only been in the industry four years... So you're like a prodigy then?"  Harry tries to stroke his ego a little.

Liam laughs, and Harry considers it a success.  "Oh God.  No.  I've only just barely been graced with being paid for the responsibilities I handle now.  Worked my ass off for Kevin for years to learn from him.  He said if I was good, he'd make everything worth my time."

"Well Executive Producer is a pretty great title to have then.  Seems like it was worth the hard work."  Harry says amiably and sips on his beer.

Liam gives him a long look.  "You don't know anything about the industry, do you?" 

Harry blushes.  He figures it was inevitable that he got caught.  He tries to play it off.  "Well I went to school for Anthropology, not film."

Liam smirks.  "I won't hold it against you.  I, myself, had no knowledge on anything when I started.  Just a burning passion to oversee and direct something great."

Harry nods, finding Liam a very intriguing person.  It's also weird getting to know his boss like this.  Or co-worker.  He thinks Liam is kind of both.  Considering he'd been underage for most of his previous jobs, and his boss at Anthropologie was never there, it's odd getting to know Liam on a one-on-one basis.

"So what brought you to California then Harry?"  Liam asks.

Ah.  California where he doesn't have to worry about (as many) homophobes or conservatives.  "My boyfriend actually."  He says proudly.

Liam's eyes go wide and he takes a drink to hide his reaction.  "You're gay then?"

Harry blinks.  Maybe he was lucky enough to have one of the few homophobic executive producers in the state.  Great.

"Yeah sometimes." Harry says to be politically correct.  Even though he plans on just being with Louis from here on out.

"Oh, so you like girls too?"  Liam chugs the rest of his beer.

"Well, like I said.  I have a boyfriend now.  So I'm not really interested in anyone else."  Harry says surely.

Liam chokes a little.  "No, God!  I wasn't- I'm not gay.  No, I'm not hitting on you.  I have a wife and a kid."

Harry furrows his eyebrows.  "I wasn't suggesting that you were.  I was just saying it doesn't really matter if I like girls or guys because I'm with someone right now."

Harry was starting to wonder if he had lost all his social skills and charm because this conversation had certainly seemed to become more and more strained.  He's at least happy to see that it's not the case, and that Liam is just in denial as a closet gay.  Well, not _happy_ , per say.  But at least it's Liam's personal problems and not Harry's social ones.

If there's one thing he's learned, it's that it's only the homophobes or the ones in denial that make a big deal about Harry liking guys and girls. 

He wonders if Louis was like that.  Wonders what Louis' coming out story was.  Wonders if it was hard for him or if he always knew.  Wonders why Louis doesn't trust himself enough to tell Harry about it.

He ignores the stinging in his chest at the parts of Louis' past that he still hasn't disclosed with him.  It must have been hard.  Really hard for him to not ever talk about it.  Harry feels so lucky that it was all easy for him.

Even Niall.  Niall never made it a big deal.  At least when it came to Harry.  But he does remember Niall freaking out over the fact that one of the seniors on the polo team when they first started was gay.  So then again, maybe it was clear all along.  But like he told Louis, it's harder to see when he was the one in it.

So he stores the information for later and decides that as sad as it will be, for both of their sakes, Harry won't talk about Louis in front of Liam.  He would hate for his boss to already think low of him or be uncomfortable around him.

"Anyway, you said you have a wife?  What's her name?"  Harry smiles.

Liam jumps into the conversation quickly and Harry gets to hear all about their shotgun wedding and the birth of their first kid.  And, despite Liam's earlier discomfort, they find a mutual bonding point over how much they love kids, and it makes everything okay again.

~~~


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: Hello friends, it's been a while :) I'm still here and still writing. Just have a lot going on personally and need to put most of my time and efforts elsewhere for now. I'll still be uploading chapters as I'm able to.

I'm focused mainly on finishing up this story (I have a bit more of it pre written already- I just need to write the ending) and continue on writing Monopolize Me (the bdsm story). As far as Purple Reign 2 goes, I have the first several chapters written, but am going to wait on uploading it until I can devote more time there.

Enjoy

-Dannie                 

~~~

Harry is dipping the rim of last shot glass in chocolate syrup when Louis walks through the door.

"Hazza!  How was your first day?"  Louis skids to a halt when he looks at the table that's set up with chocolate fondue and little trays of dipping fruits and desserts.  "When did you buy a fondue set?"

Harry pops a strawberry in his mouth.  "You've always owned it.  I saw it when I was unpacking."

Louis squints extra hard at the contraption set up on his kitchen table.  Then understanding fills his eyes.  "Ooooooooh!  That's what that was.  Yeah- someone got it for me at a Christmas party a few years back."

"Figured, seeing as it was unopened."  Harry picks up a Tim Tam and dips it in the melted chocolate.  He takes a slow bite and some chocolate drips over his lips and onto his chin.

"So."  Louis drops his briefcase to the ground and shucks off his blazer.  "What are we celebrating?  Or- _oh_."  Louis stares a long moment at the Kahlua and Jager he's just spotted.  "I'm going to have a terrible hangover tomorrow aren't I?"

"Yep!"  Harry licks his lips. 

"Judging by the lack of food, I assume we're skipping dinner?"  Louis looks nervously at the full table before him.

"Don't be ridiculous.  I made chicken Caesar salad."  Harry dips a banana slice into the chocolate.  "But I already ate since I've been home for an hour already.  So you go ahead and eat while I enjoy myself and get an early start on the drinking."

Louis walks over to the fridge to pull out a plate that is Saran wrapped with a post-it note with his name on it.  "I'm glad you labeled it as mine.  Gary might have stolen it otherwise."

Harry laughs in spite of himself and dips his strawberry in his glass of Jager.  Which.  Oops.

"Are you alright Haz?"  Louis scoots a dish of marshmallows to the side to make room for his salad.  "Does the fondue have alcohol in it?"

"Not yet."  Harry says mischievously.  "But I can fix that if you want."

Louis takes a couple bites of salad and assesses Harry carefully.  "You don't work with a bunch of assholes, do you?"

"Nope!"  Harry dips the stem of his strawberry in his Jager and eats it too.  He's always believed the green part was healthier than the red part anyway.  "They're great."

"So you had a good day?"  Louis reiterates.

"Mmhmm."  Harry hums.  "How was your day?"

"It's been good.  Did a manager and massage training at one of the local spas and did some surprise inspections for a couple other ones."  Louis takes another bite and swallows before speaking again.  "Am I about to get bitched out for doing something wrong?"

Harry laughs because Louis is cute.  He adores Louis.  Louis knows when he's done something wrong and is confused when he's done nothing wrong.

"Babe, are you okay?"  Louis stops eating.

"Fine."  Harry waves off.  "Just had a couple drinks."

"How many is a couple?"  Louis probes.

"Liiiike," Harry thinks about it because it's been a long hour, "several beers with Liam.  And I tested some of the shots to make sure they tasted right."

"Liam?"  Louis looks completely taken off guard.

"Yeah, my boss."  Harry clarifies.  "Or co-worker.  Or both."

"Oh... weird."  Louis shakes his head to himself.  "My car is in the garage.  Did he drive you here?"

"Nope.  Drove myself."  Harry finishes off his Jager that now has a slight strawberry flavor to it.

"What the fuck Harry?  Were you at the bar with him for several hours, or did you drive under the influence?"  Louis demands.

"I was... it was..."  Harry thinks of the right way to say it.  "I was only slightly buzzed.  I was fine.  I've driven in much more questionable circumstances."

"Well cops don't really _care_ if you were fine or not if you breathe over the legal limit."  Louis tries not to raise his voice.  "And what about your dad?  Why would you even _risk_ drinking and driving?"

Harry smiles and does the sign of the cross.  Bless his father.  May he rest in peace.  "What about _your_ dad?"

" _Harry_."  Louis stands up.

"Either start talking or start drinking."  Harry sets a shot glass by his seat.

"We can't just ignore the fact that you broke the law and put your life at risk!"  Louis yells.

Harry meets his gaze and gives him a firm look.  "You did it all the fucking time and I never said shit.  I'm asking for the same treatment in return." 

Louis snatches up his salad bowl and tosses it into the sink with a loud clatter.  Then he stomps into his room to presumably get changed.

Harry pours himself some more Jager and dips a marshmallow into it this time.

Louis comes back out in joggers without a shirt, showing off his tattoos. 

"You look beautiful."  Harry admires.

"Give me that."  Louis snatches the alcohol from Harry and dumps a generous amount into the chocolate fondue.

"Technically- I don't think it's meant to hold alcohol."  Harry says slowly.  "Because it'll change the... the ions or something."

"What?"  Louis dips a strawberry in the alcoholic fondue and eats everything but the stem.

"I don't know."  Harry dismisses.  "I was never good at chemistry."

"I became good friends with a girl in my chemistry class and she's the only reason I passed."  Louis dips an entire Tim Tam in the fondue and eats it in one go.

"Hey, have you ever done a Tim Tam slam?"  Harry perks up at his new brilliant ideas.  Louis gives him brilliant ideas.

"No."  Louis quirks an eyebrow.

"So.  So.  It's an Australian thing.  I bet they do it there all the time."  Harry picks up a Tim Tam.  "You're supposed to do it with milk, but whatever.  So you bite off both ends of the Tim Tam."

Harry demonstrates and Louis picks up his own to follow suit. 

"Then you dip one end in and use it like a straw."  Harry leans over the fondue pot to suck up the melted chocolate through the chocolate cookie.  It's difficult because the melted chocolate is a much thicker consistency than milk, but it works nonetheless.

The Tim Tam melts in his fingers and he pushes the rest of the cookie in his mouth.  He shivers from the sugar rush.

"You really take things to another level when it comes to alcohol."  Louis says mostly to himself then leans over to do the same.  His eyes clench shut as the sweetness undoubtedly floods his body.  "Holy God, this is better than the chocolate cake shots."

"Oh yeah!"  Harry is reminded.  "I've prepared another shot that I think you'll like."

"Okay."  Louis says, doing another Tim Tam slam with the fondue.

"Okay, it's called a Tossed Salad."  Harry grins.  "Because there's chocolate salad-" Harry pauses.  "No.  Chocolate _syrup_ on the rim and you have to drink it with your mouth only.  Hands behind your back."

"That's rather lewd."  Louis looks amused anyway.

"Here, here.  Just try it."  Harry pours equal amounts of the coffee and herbal liqueur into the shot glass that had been previously dipped in chocolate.

"And I have to have my hands behind my back?"  Louis looks down at the shot in front of him.

"Just like when you toss my salad."  Harry smirks at his cleverness.

"Harold I always use my hands to assist with that."  Louis puts his arms behind his back anyway.

"Well maybe next time I'll handcuff you and sit on your face so you don't have the option."  Harry's body inconveniently pushes his blood to his groin region.

It also maybe has something to do with Louis bent down with his face near the table and looking up at Harry with dark eyes.  He lets his tongue obscenely trace the rim of the glass to lick up the chocolate and then slurps up the alcohol in one go.  He's got small bits of chocolate smeared on his lips and keeps his hands behind his back.

"Jesus."  Harry mutters.

"Pour me another then.  I've a ways to go."  Louis lifts an eyebrow in anticipation.

Harry pours him three in a row because he can, and Louis drinks them all much more lecherous than Harry thinks was ever intended.  So he takes a small break to sit on Louis' lap and suck off the chocolate syrup that is smeared across his lips and chin.

Harry's nibbling on his jawbone when Louis speaks up.  "You know if you'd have told me I'd be letting you suck chocolate off my face a year ago, I would have laughed and never believed you?"

"Yeah I know."  Harry leans backwards to dip his fingers in the fondue and purposely smears some more along Louis' cheekbones because they're sinful as hell and he needs them in his mouth right now.

"By all means.  Take advantage of it."  Louis rolls his eyes.

"Thank you, I think I will."  Harry sucks a small hickey onto the apple of Louis' cheek and rolls his crotch into Louis'.

Louis' hands slither up Harry's shirt until he's successfully pulled it from over his head.  "Why don't we take this into the bedroom then?"

Harry instantly pulls back, remembering his original motive.  "No.  Drink more."

Louis sighs at his foiled plan. 

"Here, let's... let's do this..." Harry pours them both an almost full cup of Kahlua.

"Love, I'll probably die if I drink that straight.  As much drinking as I've done, I don't hold liqueur as well as tequila or vodka."  Louis grimaces down at the full glass in front of him.

"No, no."  Harry hands him a Tim Tam.  "Just so we can reach it since the cookies are kind of short."

"Oh."  Louis looks from his drink to Harry.  "Alright then."

"Want to make it a game?"  Harry smiles devilishly.

"What are the rules?"  Louis' game face automatically goes on.

"Whoever can drink the most through Tim Tams wins."  Harry already knows he'll win.  He's ready this time.  "If it gets too mushy to drink through, you have to eat it."

"Shit.  Okay."  Louis bites off the ends of a couple Tim Tams in preparation.

"Ready?"  Harry holds his cookie close to the surface of the alcohol. 

Louis nods.

"Go!"  Harry and Louis say in unison and both duck their heads down to suck up the coffee Kahlua.

Harry's cookie starts to crumble, so he shoves it in his mouth to eat it and moves onto the next one.  He sees Louis do the same.

By the time they're on their fifth Tim Tam, Louis chokes and grabs a napkin to spit into.  Harry still slurps happily, even though the alcohol is getting harder to reach the deeper in the cup it gets.

"Good Lord."  Louis buckles over and grabs his stomach.

Harry eats the rest of the cookie and then decides on finishing the rest of his Kahlua for the hell of it.

"I'm either going to puke or be shitfaced in like, three seconds."  Louis groans.

"Sorry babe."  Harry grins.

"You influence me to do terrible things."  Louis slurs.

Harry pops a marshmallow into his mouth.  "So I really like my job, but it's like, really fucking intimidating because these guys are like, big wigs or whatever in the industry- or at least they sure seem like it- but they're really nice."

"You said you work with a Liam?"  Louis lays his face on the table.

"Yeah.  He's the executive producer.  He was really nice and took me out for drinks since I'd be working closely with him for the next nine months."  Harry explains.

"'S really fucking weird."  Louis says.

"No, he's a pretty normal guy.  Like he's pretty young, but he's married and has a kid.  He was just trying to be welcoming I think.  Trying to get to know me better."  Harry says.

"No, I mean it's weird his name is Liam.  My friend's name was Liam."  Louis reminds him.

Oh.  Yeah.  Harry always forgets that.  Well, he's inebriated, so he doesn't feel too bad.  "Yeah, there's like a bajillion Liam's out there Lou."

"I know, I know."  Louis nods and slurs to himself.

"I talked to him about kids for a while."  Harry tries to smoothly segue.

"Why?"  Louis hiccups.

"Because I like kids."  Harry says truthfully.

"Hang on."  Louis holds a hand up to pause Harry.  He fumbles to reach over and grab the Jager.  He takes several hearty gulps, then motions for Harry to go on.  "Okay, continue."

"Do you think there's, like, ever a chance you would want kids?"  Harry asks.

Louis grimaces and takes another swig before answering.  "Hazza, if there was 'nyone I'd ever had kids with, it'd be you.  But I don't want kids for a long time b'cause that's too much responsibility.  And I'd be a shitty dad."

Hearing Louis say the last part makes Harry really sad.  "Why do you think that?"

"Because my dad.  My dad hates me.  Because I'm gay.  What if I hate my kid for being straight?  Or lesbian?  Or trans?  Or something else?"  Louis dips a marshmallow into the alcoholic fondue.

"Lou, you don't... you don't hate your kids for liking or being a certain gender."  Harry says.

"Well I thought my dad loved me.  I thought he loved me a lot.  And then, nope.  I'm gay so he doesn't love me anymore.  If it happened to him, what if it happens to me?  Like, is it just a switch?  I don't know.  But also how am I supposed to raise a kid to be an adult when I hardly feel like one?"  Louis eats another marshmallow.

"Well, to address your first thing... No, that won't happen to you.  You're a good person- and I'm sure your dad was too- but he just didn't understand and he was scared."  Harry takes a drink of water because this conversation dove real deep, real quickly.  " _You_ understand though.  And you're compassionate and fearless.  You would love a kid regardless of their self-discovery.  You aren't your dad."

"How am I supposed to know that?"  Louis melodically strings the words together.

"Because you don't judge people.  You don't judge _me_.  You love me and you don't judge me.  You'd love your- _our_ \- kids too and wouldn't judge them."  Harry tries explaining.

"Maybe."  Louis hums and drinks another shot of Jager.

"And you are an adult.  You're like, the most adult person I know.  'S part of the reason why I love you."  Harry grins.

"I still feel stuck at 15."  Louis admits.

"What happened when you were 15?"  Harry asks.

Louis picks up a strawberry to dip it into his cup of alcohol.  "It was a good day.  The sky was blue and it was sunny out.  I had just won first place at the writing competition at school.  My parents told me they were proud of me.  I had been kissing a boy named Evan for a week." 

Harry swallows and waits for Louis to continue.

"I told Evan I was going to come out to my parents because I had known since I was 12.  I had always had crushes on boys.  So after I went home with my parents with my blue ribbon, I told them I was gay.  Then my dad slapped me across the face and said he wouldn't have a gay son.  So he left."  Louis stirs a banana in his Jager.

"He left, and a week later handed my mom divorce papers.  She waved them in my face and told me all of this was my fault."  He makes the motion with his hands. 

"So I tried to lean on Evan for support and that's the first boy who told me I was clingy.  He 'broke up' with me and then I became the school blow job specialist to prove to my dad that I didn't give a shit about what he thought about me.  But everyone called me clingy because I just wanted to fucking talk to someone.  Luckily I found Liam and he let me talk.  I talked to him all the time and I never fucked him.  By the time I graduated, I realized, you don't talk to the people you fuck.  And you don't fuck the people you talk to."  Louis says.

Harry nods to show he's still keeping up; also further connecting dots because of course he should have known Louis had a perfectly good reason for being averse to discussing certain things.

"So I moved in with Liam when I went to massage school when we were 18.  He was working at a night club to save money so he could move to L.A.  When I finally met Zayn right before I graduated, I finally had it figured out that you shut up and receive whatever is given to you.  Don't argue a lot.  Be happy with what you have in life.  Don't bitch and complain or people won't want to be around you.  Don't act like a clingy fuck and you might finally get laid."  Louis says sourly.  "You basically know the rest from there."

Harry's heart knots and twists and he would hug Louis, but he doesn't want it to come off as pitying.  So he stays seated instead.  He can hug Louis all night long to make up for it.

"So when's the last time you talked to your dad?"  Harry asks.

"I was 16 and I showed up at his doorstep with Liam as moral support."  Louis looks like he might be sick.  "I told him I wanted to talk and he said he wouldn't talk to me as long as I was gay.  So I said he'd never be able to talk to me again and he laughed and told me to leave and never come back."

Harry feels sick too.  He understands why Louis never wanted to talk about this before. 

"Um."  He takes another swallow of water.  "What about your mum then?"

"I call her on Christmas and Mother's day, reminding her that I exist even though she never wanted me to in the first place."  Louis says as if that's all there is to know.

Harry wonders how far he can push the topic.  "She... are you guys on good terms?"  He decides to ask.

Louis shrugs.

Harry doesn't know what that means.  What in the hell does a shrug mean in response to one's relationship with their mother?  Harry would never shrug.  "When's the last time you talked to her?"  He asks.

"Mother's Day."  Louis repeats.  "Actually.  No.  Christmas.  I forgot about Mother's Day this year."

Fuck, Harry actually did too.  He was preoccupied with reviving Louis.  But still.  Christmas? 

"And you guys, like, catch up and stuff?  She knows about your life and everything?"  Harry asks.

"I told her Merry Christmas."  Louis says vacantly.

Harry waits for more.

But more doesn't come.

"Does she know about me?"  He has to ask, because his mom knew about Louis after their first date.

"No."  Louis says simply.

Harry doesn't plan on looking upset, but it must show because Louis continues on.

"I was high and had just slept with Zayn and you were gone and I was planning on leaving you the moment you got back.  What was there to tell?  I don't have casual conversations with her about my flings."  Louis says.

That certainly didn't do anything to help the state of Harry's upset-ness.  "I want you to tell her about me."  He decides. 

"Okay."  Louis rolls his eyes.  "I'll put it on the calendar for December 25th."

"No.  I want you to tell her tonight."  Harry is important.  He deserves to feel important.  Like more than a fucking 'fling.'

"I don't know if she even knows how to text."  Louis scoops up the fondue into one of the shot glasses and drinks it.

"Call her then."  Harry says, not understanding why Louis thinks there are a million excuses not to.

"No."  Louis' empty glass gets set on the table with a clink.

"Then drink more until you will."  Harry demands.

"I'm not calling my mom when I'm shit-faced."  Louis scoffs.  "You're being unreasonable.  You're drunk."

"I'm not drunk."  Harry's not sure if he's lying, but he goes with it anyway.  "And I'm not being unreasonable."

"I agreed to being intoxicated and informing.  Not _doing_ shit I don't want to do."  Louis defends.

"So you don't want to tell people we're together?"  Harry bites out. 

"God, you're fucking impossible."  Louis huffs, but doesn't make any move to leave the table.

"Do it Lou.  For me.  Please?"  Harry is probably drunk, so he drinks some more.  Begging might get him somewhere.

"No."  Louis says belligerently.

"Let's do body shots then!"  Harry exclaims, changing tactics before Louis gets stuck in his 'no' rut.

"That's not going to change my mind Haz."  Louis warns.

"I'm not trying to change your mind.  I just want you to be naked."  Harry says as innocuously as possible.

"Then let's go to the bedroom.  If you give me another 15 minutes, I could probably get hard."  Louis experimentally gives himself a tug through his sweats.

"No."  Harry pouts.  "I want you naked, and I want more alcohol."

"I think you've had enough alcohol."  Louis says evenly.

"If I had a dime."  Harry rolls his eyes.

"What was that?"  Louis squints at him.

"I said I've heard that enough to last three lifetimes.  Come off it."  Harry says sharply.

Louis looks taken aback at not knowing he had hit a soft spot.  It's not like it should be that surprising though.  Louis should have figured it out.

Then again, maybe not.  Louis probably didn't ever have _that_ friend who always had to be reminded that drinking eventually had to stop.  Except, in Harry's group of friends, it was split pretty evenly, so he never felt harped on too badly.

"How about we go to bed then?"  Louis offers.

"How about we drink more instead?"  Harry places the Jager in front of Louis.

"I have to work tomorrow.  Last time we drank too much you got in a crash and I had the shittiest work day known to mankind."  Louis says.

"How about this."  Harry blinks a few times to gather his thoughts.  "How about.  You either take seven more shots with me, or you call your mom."

Louis laughs.

"Which one will it be then?"  Harry stands by his great ability to back people into a corner.

"Neither.  I'm going to bed."  Louis pushes the chair back from the table.

"I'll sleep in my own room tonight."  Harry threatens.

"Your bed is still out in the moving truck."  Louis says venomously.  "And grow the fuck up."

"You grow up!"  Harry is standing and yelling before he realizes it.  "Grow the fuck up and call your fucking mom!"

"Having heart-to-hearts with my mom doesn't make me grown up!"  Louis argues back.

"Maybe not, but it also makes me feel like shit that you don't even want to tell your own _mother_ about me!"  Harry points to himself.  "Jesus, am I _really_ not that important to you?!"

"Harry, my mom doesn't even know about _Zayn_!"  Louis shouts, and then its deathly silent.

Harry thinks he can only hear the thumping of his heart in his ears, not realizing how worked up he had gotten. 

Louis stands there with his chest heaving in and out too. 

"Well I'm not Zayn."  Harry decides to say.

Louis shakes his head.  "Telling my mom about you literally doesn't mean anything to me.  I don't know why you care so fucking much."

Ouch.

He ignores the heat of frustration and hurt flooding through his body.  "If it doesn't mean anything to you, then why would you have such a hard time doing it for me?

Louis sighs shortly and whips out his phone.  "Fucking _fine_.  If this will get you off my god damned back about this."

Harry doesn't move.  He's too scared to say anything either. 

Louis puts it on speaker and glares at Harry as it rings.

A woman's voice- Johanna's voice- comes through the crackly speaker.  "Louis?"

Something breaks in Louis' face that Harry hasn't ever seen before.  Something guarded that wasn't supposed to show.  Something that looks a lot like Louis is scared.

"Yeah... hey mom."  Louis' voice instantly takes a different tone.

"Is everything okay?"  She asks, an obvious air of anxiety behind it.

Harry swallows, trying not to think about the fact that it's been almost eight months since they last spoke.

"Yeah, yeah."  Louis says softly.  "Um, how are things with you?"

It's silent for a moment before she speaks again.  "Good.  You sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, um."  Louis clears his throat, forcing himself through the conversation.  "It's just been a while.  I know I forgot to call you on Mother's Day.  I'm sorry about missing that."

"It's fine."  She says, and the tense silence ensues again.  "Are you in the area?  Do you need money?"

Louis' eyes flick up to Harry with something steely behind the look as if to say 'See?  This is what you get for making me call my mother.'

"No mom.  I, um.  I'm seeing someone."  Louis jumps right into it.

"You're- you're seeing someone?"  She repeats.  "Like, a woman?"

Louis looks up to the ceiling and bites at his lip for a minute.  "No.  No, it's a guy."

Johanna sighs.  "Honey, you know I don't-"

"No!"  Louis cuts in.  "Just let me finish... please?"

Louis doesn't say anything while he waits for Johanna to respond.

"Sure."  She says unsurely. 

"His name is Harry.  Harry Styles."  Louis pauses a moment to have a secret smile to himself that Harry can see from where he's standing.  "He's three years younger than me.  He um, he just graduated college.  I've known him for almost a year now.  And we, uh.  We live together in San Diego."

Harry can nearly hear Louis holding his breath, waiting for her response. 

"You're living in San Diego now?"  She asks.

"Yeah.  With Harry."  Louis reemphasizes.  "He's actually here.  With me.  Right now.  You're on speaker."

"Oh."  Johanna says.  "Hello Harry."

Harry feels very much like a deer in the headlights.  "Hi-" He's about to call her Mrs. Tomlinson, then remembers that she's divorced from Louis' dad.  Which, he would address her by her maiden name, except Harry doesn't have a fucking clue what it is.

"Hi."  He finishes dumbly.

"How is San Diego?"  She asks with an overstrained pleasantry.

"Good."  He swallows.  "How's um..."  He has no fucking clue where Johanna lives.  "Vegas?"  He tries, since he knows it's where Louis grew up.

"Oh I'm in Logandale now."  She says and Harry has no idea what that means, but apparently Louis does.

"Logandale?  Why are you in Logandale?"  Louis asks like he might already know the answer.

"Louis honey."  She pauses.  "I got married."

"To Jack."  He says.

"We've been dating for five years now.  It was time."  Johanna says like she's scared she's offended Louis.

"How long?"  He asks assertively.

"We got married in February."  She says.

Louis takes a deep breath.  "Congratulations.  I hope you're happy."

"Thank you.  I hope you're happy too."  She says back.

"Bye."  Louis ends the conversation abruptly.

"Bye."  She doesn't make any effort to stop it.

Louis hangs up and Harry feels... hollow.

"Happy?"  Louis snaps.

"I'm... sorry."  Harry rubs at his forehead.  "I didn't know it was like that."

"Yeah, because you didn't bother fucking listening to me when I tried to tell you it was."  Louis pockets his phone.  "Join me in bed when you're done.  I'll clean this tomorrow."  Louis motions to the table, then goes into the bedroom.

Harry sits back down at the table.

He pours himself a drink. 

~~~


End file.
